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Attack of the 50 Ft. Turtle





[A milkman is walking down the street merrily humming a tune.]

Narrator: This is a milkman. He sells milk and he is a man.

[An innocent little turtle walks onto the sidewalk in front of the milkman.]

Narrator: Holy oyster crackers! Look, a turtle with syphilis. That milkman's no match for a syphilis with turtle.

[The turtle lunges at the milkman's jugular.]

Milkman: Aaaahhh!!!

Narrator: The turtle is gnawing off that milkman's antlers! Yes, I said antlers.

[The turtle swallows the milkman then grabs a bottle of milk.]

Narrator: He's going for the milk! Everybody knows turtles are intolerant lactose.

[The turtle drinks the milk then poses for the camera with a milk mustache.]

Narrator: The pint-sized turtle, affected dramatically by the dairy enriched milk, begins to undergo tremendous physical changes.

[The turtle, now 50 feet tall, goes on a rampage throughout the city, destroying everything in its path.]

Dumb Blonde: I'm too blonde to die!

[A hysterical woman holds up a baked potato with a face drawn on it.]

Hysterical Woman: Take my baby! Somebody, please, take my baby!

Ted Nugent: I'll save everyone because I'm Ted Fuckin' Nugent and I am God!

Nick Schubert: You're my hero Ted!

Ted Nugent: Step aside young fellow.

[Ted Nugent starts beating the turtle's leg with a noodle. The turtle steps on him.]

Nick Schubert: Noooooo!!!

Narrator: Meanwhile, in a helicopter somewhere.

Sexy Female Reporter: I'm the sexy female reporter who later falls out of the helicopter for no apparent reason.

Nerdy Cameraman: And I'm the nerdy cameraman who later saves the day and gets the girl.

Stoned Helicopter Pilot: Hey, where the fuck am I?

Nerdy Cameraman: I can see the turtle. And he's destroying Payless!

Sexy Female Reporter: Who gives a shit? I'm falling out of the helicopter now.

[Sexy Female Reporter falls out of the helicopter, screaming as she plummets to her death.]

Nerdy Cameraman: She landed on the turtle's shell! We have to save her.

Stoned Helicopter Pilot: I'm on it!

[Stoned Helicopter Pilot crashes the helicopter into the turtle's shell.]

Nerdy Cameraman: Was that necessary?

[Sexy Female Reporter runs up.]

Sexy Female Reporter: Oh my God, you guys! You're never going to believe this. I just got chased by cross-dressing chimpanzees! And worst of all, they tried marking on me with cheap make up from Claire's.

Nerdy Cameraman: Wait, what are transvestite chimps doing here?

Ice Cream Man: What am I doing here? And why is this gay leprechaun humping my leg?

Nerdy Cameraman: I don't know. But we have to figure out a way off this turtle. Any ideas?

Sexy Female Reporter: We could grow wings and fly off.

Nerdy Cameraman: The chimps will just fling panty hose at us.

Gay Leprechaun: An' we can't jump off because we'd land in a giant pool o' spicy elephant urine.

Ice Cream Man: Listen, guys. All we gotta do is blow up my patented inflateable pool toy shaped like Cindy Crawford's breasts.

Nerdy Cameraman: Then what?

Ice Cream Man: Then we float across an in-ground swimming pool to safety.

Nerdy Cameraman: Yeah, but where are we gonna get an in-ground swimming pool on the back of a 50 ft. turtle?

[Ice Cream Man points to an in-ground swimming pool a few feet away.]

Ice Cream Man: All turtles come with one.

Nerdy Cameraman: Oh.

Gay Leprechaun: I'm magically delicious!

[Ice Cream Man blows up the pool toy and everybody climbs aboard.]

Nerdy Cameraman: Gay Leprechaun, grab onto the left nipple so you don't slide off.

Gay Leprechaun: I'd rather drown.

[As they float across the pool, sea monkeys attack the pool toy.]

Ice Cream Man: They're going for the implants!

Sexy Female Reporter: I'm falling off the kinky pool toy now.

[Sexy Female Reporter falls overboard and sinks to the bottom. Nerdy Cameraman puts on a mask and snorkel, a pair of water wings, and ear plugs.]

Ice Cream Man: How could you even think about snorkeling at a time like this?

[Nerdy Cameraman jumps into the pool. A few seconds later he returns to the surface with Sexy Female Reporter in his arms.]

Ice Cream Man: The sea monkeys ripped off all of her clothes!

Nerdy Cameraman: Actually I did that.

Ice Cream Man: Oh.

Gay Leprechaun: My retinas are meltin' from the spiciness of this non-gay situation!

Nerdy Cameraman: That's great. But has anybody seen Stoned Helicopter Pilot?

Ice Cream Man: Last time I saw him he was getting high with those transvestite chimps.

Nerdy Cameraman: That explains it.

[The four survivors reach the opposite end of the pool.]

Ice Cream Man: Look, in the sky, a giant migrating tea bag!

[A helicopter carrying a huge tea bag flies toward them.]

Nerdy Cameraman: Everybody grab on!

[The group jumps onto the tea bag as it soars by.]

Narrator: Unaware that it's tea time for the 50 ft. turtle, the helpless victims are about to be dropped in a cup of searing hot liquid.

Turtle: I always enjoy a cup of tea after laying my eggs.

[The helicopter drops the tea bag into the turtle's tea, incinerating everyone holding on. The turtle takes a sip and drops dead, demolishing Old Navy.]

Narrator: The tea bag contained soy milk, poison to intolerant lactose turtles. But out of every 50 ft. turtle's egg, a Kevin Hicks is born...

[Kevin Hicks hatches out of an egg.]

Kevin Hicks: Do you love me?

Narrator: The end. Or is it?





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