[A milkman is walking down the street merrily humming a tune.]
Narrator: This is a milkman. He sells milk and he is a man.
[An innocent little turtle walks onto the sidewalk in front of the milkman.]
Narrator: Holy oyster crackers! Look, a turtle with syphilis. That milkman's no match for a syphilis with turtle.
[The turtle lunges at the milkman's jugular.]
Milkman: Aaaahhh!!!
Narrator: The turtle is gnawing off that milkman's antlers! Yes, I said antlers.
[The turtle swallows the milkman then grabs a bottle of milk.]
Narrator: He's going for the milk! Everybody knows turtles are intolerant lactose.
[The turtle drinks the milk then poses for the camera with a milk mustache.]
Narrator: The pint-sized turtle, affected dramatically by the dairy enriched milk, begins to undergo tremendous physical changes.
[The turtle, now 50 feet tall, goes on a rampage throughout the city, destroying everything in its path.]
Dumb Blonde: I'm too blonde to die!
[A hysterical woman holds up a baked potato with a face drawn on it.]
Hysterical Woman: Take my baby! Somebody, please, take my baby!
Ted Nugent: I'll save everyone because I'm Ted Fuckin' Nugent and I am God!
Nick Schubert: You're my hero Ted!
Ted Nugent: Step aside young fellow.
[Ted Nugent starts beating the turtle's leg with a noodle. The turtle steps on him.]
Nick Schubert: Noooooo!!!
Narrator: Meanwhile, in a helicopter somewhere.
Sexy Female Reporter: I'm the sexy female reporter who later falls out of the helicopter for no apparent reason.
Nerdy Cameraman: And I'm the nerdy cameraman who later saves the day and gets the girl.
Stoned Helicopter Pilot: Hey, where the fuck am I?
Nerdy Cameraman: I can see the turtle. And he's destroying Payless!
Sexy Female Reporter: Who gives a shit? I'm falling out of the helicopter now.
[Sexy Female Reporter falls out of the helicopter, screaming as she plummets to her death.]
Nerdy Cameraman: She landed on the turtle's shell! We have to save her.
Stoned Helicopter Pilot: I'm on it!
[Stoned Helicopter Pilot crashes the helicopter into the turtle's shell.]
Nerdy Cameraman: Was that necessary?
[Sexy Female Reporter runs up.]
Sexy Female Reporter: Oh my God, you guys! You're never going to believe this. I just got chased by cross-dressing chimpanzees! And worst of all, they tried marking on me with cheap make up from Claire's.
Nerdy Cameraman: Wait, what are transvestite chimps doing here?
Ice Cream Man: What am I doing here? And why is this gay leprechaun humping my leg?
Nerdy Cameraman: I don't know. But we have to figure out a way off this turtle. Any ideas?
Sexy Female Reporter: We could grow wings and fly off.
Nerdy Cameraman: The chimps will just fling panty hose at us.
Gay Leprechaun: An' we can't jump off because we'd land in a giant pool o' spicy elephant urine.
Ice Cream Man: Listen, guys. All we gotta do is blow up my patented inflateable pool toy shaped like Cindy Crawford's breasts.
Nerdy Cameraman: Then what?
Ice Cream Man: Then we float across an in-ground swimming pool to safety.
Nerdy Cameraman: Yeah, but where are we gonna get an in-ground swimming pool on the back of a 50 ft. turtle?
[Ice Cream Man points to an in-ground swimming pool a few feet away.]
Ice Cream Man: All turtles come with one.
Nerdy Cameraman: Oh.
Gay Leprechaun: I'm magically delicious!
[Ice Cream Man blows up the pool toy and everybody climbs aboard.]
Nerdy Cameraman: Gay Leprechaun, grab onto the left nipple so you don't slide off.
Gay Leprechaun: I'd rather drown.
[As they float across the pool, sea monkeys attack the pool toy.]
Ice Cream Man: They're going for the implants!
Sexy Female Reporter: I'm falling off the kinky pool toy now.
[Sexy Female Reporter falls overboard and sinks to the bottom. Nerdy Cameraman puts on a mask and snorkel, a pair of water wings, and ear plugs.]
Ice Cream Man: How could you even think about snorkeling at a time like this?
[Nerdy Cameraman jumps into the pool. A few seconds later he returns to the surface with Sexy Female Reporter in his arms.]
Ice Cream Man: The sea monkeys ripped off all of her clothes!
Nerdy Cameraman: Actually I did that.
Ice Cream Man: Oh.
Gay Leprechaun: My retinas are meltin' from the spiciness of this non-gay situation!
Nerdy Cameraman: That's great. But has anybody seen Stoned Helicopter Pilot?
Ice Cream Man: Last time I saw him he was getting high with those transvestite chimps.
Nerdy Cameraman: That explains it.
[The four survivors reach the opposite end of the pool.]
Ice Cream Man: Look, in the sky, a giant migrating tea bag!
[A helicopter carrying a huge tea bag flies toward them.]
Nerdy Cameraman: Everybody grab on!
[The group jumps onto the tea bag as it soars by.]
Narrator: Unaware that it's tea time for the 50 ft. turtle, the helpless victims are about to be dropped in a cup of searing hot liquid.
Turtle: I always enjoy a cup of tea after laying my eggs.
[The helicopter drops the tea bag into the turtle's tea, incinerating everyone holding on. The turtle takes a sip and drops dead, demolishing Old Navy.]
Narrator: The tea bag contained soy milk, poison to intolerant lactose turtles. But out of every 50 ft. turtle's egg, a Kevin Hicks is born...
[Kevin Hicks hatches out of an egg.]
Kevin Hicks: Do you love me?
Narrator: The end. Or is it?