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"Suck You!" -C
"Is it a happy cookie?" -Us
"Don't lie in front of the children!"-C
"Classic." -Us.
"You're my chestnut..my little chestnut...my cute little chesnut roasting on an open fire."-C
"Go play Russian Roulette with a crossbow." - Danny
"Lmaso!" -C
"Mpnkah!" -P
"
"I'm so addicted to smoothies! It's like a drug...or nintendo!"-P
" 'ey, GET OUT THE BUSHES!" -C
"I got a fucking Jenny Craig email - it's a sign, they know I'm fat!!!"-P
"Mommy, where do babies come from?"
"Well, we got bored and got you from the government!" -Us
"Do not follow where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." -Isadora Duncan (Okay so it's not very funny, but it's one of our favourites)
"Run, run away, run far, run fast." -C
"Yup yup uppy pup." -P
"I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES."
"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!"
"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."
"God bless those pagans."
"That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!"
"I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night."
"No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed."
"Ignore the boy, Lord."
"Trying is the first step towards failure."
"I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four."
"The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!!!"
"And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"
"Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers."
"When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces...I just know they're about to jab me with something."
"Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You"
"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"
"Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless."
SOUTH PARK
"Each year, the Rainforest is responsible for over three thousand deaths from accidents, attacks or illnesses. There are over seven hundred things in the Rainforest that cause cancer. Join the fight now and help stop the Rainforest before it's too late." -- Captions on the screen at the end of "Rainforest Schmainforest"
"I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I'd be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!" -- Cartman
"Why does this happen every month? It seems like right about the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something, and I always end up getting screwed by it." -- Cartman
"Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job or Kenny's dad would be a millionare!" -- Cartman
"If some sissy chick tried to kick my ass I would say hey, missy, go knit me a sweater before I slap you in the face!" -- Cartman
"Mom -- kitty is being a dildo." -- Cartman
"I know a special little kitty that's sleeping with mommy tonight." -- Cartman's mom replies
"Kenny's family is so poor that yesterday, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage." -- Cartman
"Anyway Kenny, Yellow MegaMan is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two." -- Eric Cartman
"Well I looked in my moms closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas, an ultravibe pleasure 2000." --Cartman
"It's an Afghanistan goat, so it can't stay here, or else it'll choke on the sweet air of freedom." -- Cartman on a goat sent to him and his friends by some kids in Afghanistan
"There's a time and a place for everything, and it's called college." -- Chef
"Tolerant, but not stupid! Look, just because you have to tolerate something doesn't mean you have to approve of it! ..."Tolerate" means you're just putting up with it! You tolerate a crying child sitting next to you on the airplane or, or you tolerate a bad cold. It can still piss you off!" -- Mr. Garrison
"Half the kids in the class didn't vote for your nephew. What about them? You don't give a crap about them because they aren't on your side. People like you preach tolerance and openmindedness all the time but when it comes to middle America you think we're all evil and stupid country yokels who need your political alignment. Just because you're on TV doesn't mean you know crap about the government." -- Mr. Garrison yelling at Rosie O'Donnell
"Say "hi" to Sexual Harassment Panda!" -- Mr. Garrison
"Hi, Sexual Harassment Panda." -- The class
"Did you know that when one little panda pulls on another little panda's underwear, that's sexual harassment? That makes me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda" -- Sexual Harassment Panda
"This is freaking me out, dude." -- Kyle [to Stan]
"And when one little panda puts his furry little willy in another panda's ear, that makes me a very sad panda. Now, I'm going to pass out these booklets, and we're going to go through each and every sexual harassment law." -- Sexual Harassment Panda
"Awwww!" -- The class
"That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Frederick Douglass and freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France." -- Mr. Garrison's hand puppet Mr. Hat
"Just remember what the MPAA says: Horrific, deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don't say any naughty words!" -- Kyle's Mom
"If there are any questions, direct them to that brick wall over there." -- Network President
"It's been six weeks since Saddam Hussein was killed by wild boars and the world is still glad to be rid of him." -- Newscaster
"The President responded to the situation by saying "Screw those commie bastards and screw their wussy space station." -- Newscaster
"[the soldier next to him cocks his shotgun] You white Americans make me sick! [emphasizes his disgust with thumps on the table] You waste food, oil, and everything else because you're so rich, and then you tell the rest of the world to save the rainforest because you like its pretty flowers." -- People's Army Leader in the rainforest
"There's a place called the rainforest; it truly sucks ass.
Let's knock it all down and get rid of it fast.
You say, "Save the rainforest," but what do you know?
You've never been to the rainforest before.
Getting Gay With Kids is here!
To tell you things you might not like to hear.
You only fight these causes 'cause caring sells.
All you activists can go fuck yourselves!
Someday if we work hard, boys and girls,
There'll be no more rainforests left in the entire world!
Getting Gay With Kids is here!
To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah!
Getting Gay With Kids is here!
Let's knock down the rainforest! What do you say?!
It's totally gay! It's totally gay!" -- Song from "Rainforest Schmainforest" by the children's choir called "Getting Gay With Kids"
"I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that you're perfectly healthy. The bad news is that you have cancer." -- Terrance
"Would you like a monkey claw, Phillip?" -- Terrance
"Yes, please." -- Phillip
[farts and has the jury laughing] "That's called a monkey claw because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys!" -- Terrance
"The monkey claw is smelly." -- Phillip
" ... I don't want to shoot the bunny." -- Stan
"No nephew of mine is going to be a tree hugger." -- Jimbo
"Yeah hippie, go back to Woodstock if you don't want to shoot anything." -- Cartman
"Stan, what did I tell you about watching the Osbournes? It's going to make you retarded!" -- Stan's Mom
"ENOUGH!! Oh, Haa-ha. Anyway, if you'll come with me in my car, I'll take you up to my condo where I'll kill you - I I mean-uh, uh give you - moneyy - for the triangle." -- Barbara Streisand
"Sweet! I'm gonna be rich. Bet you wish you hadn't given me that triangle back now, huh, Kyle? Dumbass! [heads for the car]" -- Cartman
"Wait. Isn't there some rule about not getting into cars with strangers?" -- Kyle
"No, not when money is involved, stupid! [The kids climb into her car and Barbara revs it up]" -- Cartman
"Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly!" -- Wendy
"Intelligent and friendly on rye bread, with some mayonnaise." -- Cartman
OTHER
"It's not rape, it's surprise sex!" - He wishes to stay anonymous
"Minds can wander, Hands get slapped" - Unknown
"Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife." --James H. Kabbler III
"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off." --Stephen King
"A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials." --Ronald Knox
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." --Joe E Lewis
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." --Ernest Hemmingway
"What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others." --Diogenes
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day." --Dean Martin
"A bartender is a pharmacist with better tasting inventory." -- Unkown
"Men are not pigs! Pigs are gentle, intelligent beings." -- Unknown
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." --Jim Carrey
"Only way you'll wear me out is to sketch my name in your pants." -Nelly
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are." --Matt Lauer (on NBC's Today Show).
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" --Steven Wright
"I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup." --Eddie Izzard
"The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead." --Albert Einstein
"I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me." --R. Geis
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up, because by that time I was too famous. -- Robert Benchley
Always forgive your enemies -- Nothing annoys them so much. -- Oscar Wilde
Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil! -- Golda Meir
Roses are red, Violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. -- Oscar Levant
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. -- Robert Orben
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. -- George Bernard Shaw
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.-- Woody Allen
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. -- Groucho Marx
The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. --Lucille Ball
Cheer up! The worst is yet to come!-- Mark Twain
"Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand." -- Benny Hill
