First of all, I love cows. Pretty much the only thing I am capable of drawing are my signature kissing cows. (Ha ha, I drew them in colour changing chalk that Banny gave me out in my driveway. I wish I had a digital camera to show you all.) I have always loved cows. I deemed myself "Princess Moo" a very long time ago, as a select handful of you may have seen, that was my MSN Messenger SN for quite awhile. Also, we cannot forget my FAVOURITE COW IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE: Lyle the cow. Ignore the blue-ish lighting, and look at him, for he is adorable.

He is fucking adorable -- love him.

I have another beanie babie cow, but in honesty he doesn't amount to Lyle...at all. Nope, not even close. Regardless, in the spirit of fairness, here is a picture of him as well.

I just realized I don't even have a name for ^^that cow(if anyone has any suggestions for names, feel free to contact me!), but whatever, he's still cute and I still love him and his cow goodness.

Again, in the spirit of fairness, I absolutely must show you my cow panties that Banny (_cerise_) bought for me.

Yes, I know, they are the most fantastic panties you HAVE EVER SEEN. Okay, I'm going to stop posting pictures now before I end up showing you every cow thing I own.

Back to the point. Among the many insults that have been carelessly thrown at me lately, someone labeled me an 'illiterate cow'. (I did my best to find the post so that I could link you all, but I couldn't find it again. :( )This is, by far, the best insult I have ever received. I simply love it, and it has sparked the inspiration for this entire post!

In one of the many episodes of South Park, aliens came to South Park looking for the most intelligent beings on the planet. Did they discover humans? No! They found COWS to be the most intillegent beings on Earth! (That didn't really tie in anywhere, but I felt like mentioning it. Go South Park!)

Now, let's discuss this illiterate cow thing. First off, let's be clear about what illiterate means. As said by the dictionary:

il·lit·er·ate
adj.

-Unable to read and write.
-Having little or no formal education.
-Marked by inferiority to an expected standard of familiarity with language and literature.

Which definition of illiterate should we use?

As far as my knowledge goes, no cows are able to write nor read. At least in 'human' language. For the sake of going on, let's assume this person meant illiterate cow by cow standards. Now, us humans would label another human who was not able to read or write one of the 'human languages' as illiterate. I'm mentally trying to picture a cow using a pen/pencil to write, and no matter how I set it up in my head (them holding the pencil with their hoof, mouth, by pressing two cow bodies together and pinning the pencil inbetween, etc) I don't see it as being easy at all for the cow to write. If cows can't write, then there's nothing in cow language that's accessible to them to read. Going by this information, it's safe to assume that we can scratch out the first definition.

il·lit·er·ate adj.
-Unable to read and write.
-Having little or no formal education.
-Marked by inferiority to an expected standard of familiarity with language and literature.

I don't know about you, but I have never seen a school for cows. Don't get me wrong, I'm completely open to the idea (I'd probably be a teacher there, if I knew the cow language), I'm just saying I've never seen it happen. True, the cows COULD keep these things secret from us, but I still think that over the many years cows & humans have known each other, the word would have gotten out. So, I think it's safe to scratch out the second definition as well. (Side Note: If anyone finds any information that goes against what I have just said, please contact me and update me. I hate to be misinformed.)

il·lit·er·ate adj.
-Unable to read and write.
-Having little or no formal education.
-Marked by inferiority to an expected standard of familiarity with language and literature.

Seeing as we only have one definition left, I suppose that's the one that we're going to apply in this situation. "Marked by inferiority to an expected standard of familiarity with language and literature." I'm going to attempt to simplify that, and just say an illiterate cow (or person) is "One who does not uphold the expected familiarity with its language". I'm going to assume familiarity is refering to the ability to comprehend and speak the language, not just the level of comfort one has linked to it.

To clearly state the conclusion I have just drawn, an illiterate cow is a cow who cannot comprehend nor speak its language well. As we all know, cows communicate by mooing. What do you picture when you picture an illiterate cow, by the definition I have just concluded? I don't know about you, but I picture a retarded cow that cannot moo properly... and nothing is more sad than a cow that cannot moo. My heart goes out to this cow, to this adorable, illiterate cow. Oh! Wait! I almost forgot. I am the illiterate cow! Let's see if it's true....I shall now attempt to moo.

[Insert me mooing outloud here. No really, I seriously just mood.]

Okay, so I'm not a very good mooer. Granted, I'm better than most, but I do not completely sound like a genuine cow. I suppose I am an illiterate cow then, for I cannot moo nor understand moos properly! For being a person that doesn't know me at all, whoever called me an illiterate cow sure did hit the nail on the head!

Well, I guess that's it then. I am the one and only, illiterate cow. If you ever see any of my bethren, please be sure to contact me. I'd like to know the location of the alleged illiterate cow so I can check the situation out, and hopefully bring an end to my uniqueness.

(Admit it, children. Who wants to be unique anymore! That's sooo boring! Yes yes, you should all conform and be JUST LIKE EACH OTHER! Don't forget, kids, it's down the road, not across the street! Make it count.;) )

I do pity any other illiterate cows that may be out there, for (as I said earlier) it breaks my heart to picture a cow that cannot moo properly.

If my cow illiteracy allows even ONE other cow to be normal and not illiterate, I will be happy. I suppose it's fit that I am to bear this burden as the illiterate cow, I do love cows so much and am happy that it's me instead of them. In the mean time, I will do the best an illiterate cow like me, in my position, can.