hold on if you feel like letting go
hold on if you feel like letting go
hey well right now i am so upset i cant stop crying. all i can think about is death but i wont go through with it i wont even think about doing something like that to myself because i hate ppl who are like that and i mean every teenager has these moments but you should be strong dont let nething get to you there is so many things around you that u love to much to leave and you have so many ppl who love you even if they dont say it or show it. i mean my mom for start she is an awesome person i love her so much but i never say it to her because she was never around when i was little so i didnt have much of the conection but when i was lil i loved it when she was there now that she is always around its so hard because you try to act like the teenager who cant stand there parents so you treat them like shit and i regret every moment i treat my mom like that i ahte it but i never tell her i am srry i wish i had a better connection with her so i can tell her i am sorry and i know i get on her nervous and she gets on mine. i just recently started saying i love you too her b4 i hang up the phone when i am on it with her and i bet that makes her feel happy. and then there are my 2 brothers who raised me and i love them dearly and i get along with them greatly but i dont talk with them nemore not like i did when i was lil i find it so hard to be serious wiht either one of them speically the oldest cus he loves to joke around all hte time. then there is the second oldset bro who is sleeping or playing video games down in his room and then he works late at night so i never get to see him and if i do we never say nething to each other lucky if its only a few words.
~but my mind is somewhere out the door
then me 16years old and has a bf who wants to marry me after high school, his my first love first real bf cus i was scared of dating b4 scared of wut guys would do or try to do so i would always push them away after a week but this one i couldnt push away and when i got into my moods even if it was the time of the month he would still stand next to me strong take all the moodiness i have and thats another thing i hate about myself is when i get into my moods i take it out on my mom mostly.
but i dont know wut to do nemore because i mean there were times where my bf did really mean things towards me and they always get to me i wont menchine ne of it but i will say he never once hit me not once he is not like that but i mean its just mean wut he did and i cry about it alot and i dont know wut to do i feel like i dont know who i am nemore and i wish i could turn back time. and there are a few things i did that i wish i could tell my mom but our connection isnt that great and i wish i could tell her but i am scared. and no its not drugs never once did that or drink i hate the taste of beer or nething else like it and smoking i cant stand the taste of it only tried it once with my bro like took one puff and *yuck* but yea then the after taste of it i couldnt take it felt like i wanted to throw up. didnt know i dont know wut to do nemore i wish i just had a lil advice or help but i am going to go cus i ran out of things to talk about and i kinda am crying so yea chou

wedding bells
hey so yea i have been going to swimming at school i only have bikinis tho which isnt bad but yea dustin gave me his swim shorts to wear cus he didnt want me to have to much skin plus i didnt wanna feel so naked which i didnt but yea i just wanted to wear his shorts lol i love wearing his close so yea. but yea swimming i love it and i misscarried so i am not pregnant nemore which sucks me and dustin were really looking forward to it we miss it so much right now and i have been crying for days and he has been crying off and on but yea its from this chick who gutted me its sumone dustin was friends with but he hasnt seen her for 2 yrs now she is back to ruin his life and she knew i was pregnant. and yea now dustin is pist off he wants to kill her so bad they are in life a huge speech fight right now and he wants her to come to the schol monday so he can hurt her. he is pist off that she was beating me up there ididnt wanna move cus i was trying to keep my tummy safe so i took the beatings. but yea it was cus hte day b4 i kicked her ass for trying to beat me up and monday if i see her again i will kick her ass like i did the other day. but yea dustin is at work now he is trying to get everything out of his mind but its not working cus the only reason why he wanted a job was to buy me things which i told him i dont want him to buy me nething and also to take care of me and the baby but now he has the job for me this is the 3rd baby i lost and once again it was a girl me and him both wanted 3 kids 2 girls and a boy. the first time my mom forced me to abort it the second one i had taken sleeping pills. like i didnt know i was pregnant then and i have these seizers and everytime i get one i have to take a sleeping pill to control the seizers. i get seizers from when my dad used to beat me up but that was when i was a baby i dont see him i never knew him really. but yea so i lost it cus of the sleeping pills like afteri took it was bleeding and it wasnt my time and i wuldnt stop so i went to the doc and i found out there. yea so yesterday me and dustin are offically married yay i am so happy about that we are going ot have a second marriage after high school with everyone there our friends and faimly and all that. but i am not feeling so good so i am going to go now ttyl bye

happy easter monday
hey happy easter monday,
yesterday i had easter dinner with my family then i went to dustin cus he wanted to spend the day with me and i ate tehre too i didnt really feel like eating there but his family wanted me to stay they ordered kfc lol o wells. yea but then today i invited dustin over we hungout side where it was nice then we watched a movie very scary too then he had to go early cus his mom was acting like a bitch thats how he worded it. yea i dont know what else to write about but i dont watn to go to school tomorrow cus i have swimming in gym and i might be pregnant and i dont really wanna be swimming during this time so yea i will talk to you later chou

next best thing
hey
i was getting really bored with this one journal i used to work on at another site it was the same old thing everyday. lots of people were reading it and responded to almost everything i had to say which i guess was great and no one knew who i was i became friends with a few of the people but they only knew me as my user name. well i am going to say a bit about myself now i guess. i am 16yrs old i live in canada and have a bf who i am madly in love with and he returns that love more then i ever thought a guy would. he is different from most guys but wow he can be a real asshole sumdays. but when we get into fights it just makes us stronger. everyone says we act like a married couple which i guess is ok cus we are planing on getting married after high school. and i know we are young but we have known each other for a long long time so no rushing. but yea i have 2 cats who i love deeply i am a huge animal person yea kinda like a one of those who over reacts when i hear sumthing bad happening to animals but hey thats who i am. i have so many great friends now that i know who is a real friend and who is not i kinda mixed up the group and now ihangout with the real friends and not the ppl who had backstabed my other friends which i find kinda weird now that my other friends still consider them friends since they keep doing it to them. confused yet lol. i dont think i made much sense there but i bet u got it. yea neways i should go i have a lot to do today and i am trying to spend my spring break to the fullest so chat up later chou