Hitchhiker’s Guide to the GalaxyBack to CRAPGenre: Comedy/Adventure
Release Date: April 29
This is the type of movie that will never get full approval from anybody, simply because those who haven’t read the original book won’t be attracted to it, and those who have read the book will – well, let’s face it, people who read books are ruining society. Do you know the only thing you ever hear from someone who reads books? Mention anything, and their response will be: “Well, the book was better.” Not just movies, either; entire geographic landmarks (“The pamphlet looked better”), people (“The biography was better”), and even breakfast (“The recipe was better”).
There is only one outcome for the movie Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: angry mobs of literate people storming the director’s home, hoisting up violent signs that read “The book was better.” That will be Hollywood’s eventual epitaph, I think; its gravestone will read, in immortal, carved script: “The book was better.”
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
Release Date: May 19
George Lucas watched and waited for a long time before giving us the Phantom Menace. (Unfortunately, it was only delaying the inevitable.) Common opinion was once that he was observing the market, trying to find the best possible way to conclude his sprawling sci-fi epic masterpiece. After having sat through the first two-thirds of his new trilogy, common opinion has changed. Common opinion is now that he was devising a cunning plan which would enable him to create movies that sucked horribly. And in this, George Lucas is a complete success.
Now, the last bastions of Star Wars fans (who were once hordes, I might remind you) are no longer hoping that this movie is good. They’re simply hoping (pleading, praying) that it just doesn’t suck.
The trailer reveals many important details about this film. The first is that it has a terrible title. Let’s look at a trend, since I like doing that: “The Phantom Menace,” “Attack of the Clones,” and “Revenge of the Sith.” I hate to say it, but “The Phantom Menace” is the best title of the three, and it sounds like the title of a fan-fiction piece. “Attack of the Clones” and “Revenge of the Sith” resemble Golden Age comic book titles, which is an insult to the Golden Age. In fact, saying the titles resemble fan fiction is an insult to George Lucas’ own fan faction. You see how bad it’s become? The fan fiction inspired by Star Wars is now better than it. Pubescent fourteen year old boys are skipping dances and avoiding girls so they can write about Jedi Knights and bounty hunters, and they still do the universe better justice than Lucasarts.
But I haven’t seen Revenge of the Sith yet. So let’s talk about what we know. Darth Vader, arguably one of the greatest villains in cinematic history, makes a comeback in this movie. A “revenge,” if you will. This is good news. Unfortunately, the awesomeness of Vader’s presence will be counterbalanced by the high-pitched annoying whining of Anakin Skywalker’s presence. I don’t see why they just don’t cut the entire character of Anakin out and have the whole movie about Vader.
Chances are good that Natalie Portman will wear a giant dress, about the appropriate size to house a family of four. They do this so that when she’s in a scene, there’s something there stiffer than her acting. (Oh burn.) Okay, enough Star Wars bashing; it’ll be fine. There will still be lightsabers. (I am not making this up. I saw them in the trailer, with my own two eyes.)
Sin City
Genre: Film Noir / Action
Release Date: April 1
I’m suspicious that on the release date of Sin City, it will simply be 3 hours of the text “April Fools! Did you really think someone would make another comic book movie? Foolish masses.” But I doubt it.
I’ll start by admitting that I’ve seen this trailer like 17 times, partly because it looks like a great movie, but mostly because the music it’s put to severely rocks. It’s “Cell” by The Servant, and I’ve had it on repeat most of the day.
The apparent idea of Sin City is to cram all the major characters of seven entire books of “graphic novel” into one movie, while tying all of their separate plot strings together into one dark, gritty film. I’ve seen the cast, and I doubt they’ll fail that first part. We’re talking a cast of Bruce Willis, Clive Owen, Jessica Alba, Benicio Del Toro, Mickey Rourke, Elijah Wood, and half of those guys are supporting cast. They’ve basically contracted the entire Actor’s Guild to fill out all the other roles.
Even if the acting doesn’t work out for them, and the plot is confusing, they can’t fail the dark and gritty part. Apparently, most of the movie is put to black and white- and yes, this is on purpose. You can tell because certain things get colored, like random girl’s lips or eyes, and a guy named Yellow Bastard. (Guess what color he is. I’ll give you a hint: it starts with ‘y’ and rhymes with ‘yellow’.) He’s got elfish ears and a large nose, which leads me to the question: How does a yellow gnome end up in a film noir?
But it looks like they’re going to do it all really well. The author of the original graphic novels is co-directing, and the art direction looks absolutely fantastic (if you can pull off an angry yellow gnome, you're doing something right). It feels grittier than a mouthful of teeth and asphalt. (That's really gritty.)
The whole comic-book-into-movie thing has made me realize something: Hollywood is getting lazy. Do you know why they like to put things to comic books these days? There’s already a cult following. The dialogue and characters are completely written out already. Every important shot and angle is already drawn. Instead of hiring overpriced screenwriters to make yet another romantic comedy, producers purchase a license and get to read comic books all day.
The Cave
Genre: Horror/Utter Crap
Release Date: Too Soon
An aspiring screenwriter, who didn’t realize that comic book authors are indirectly stealing his job, realized that nobody had made a scary movie about a cave. You know, a really deep, dark, and mysterious cave. So some characters have to go down into the cave (mental note: don’t forget to include black character). This is, by the way, a really scary cave and – here’s the clincher – they can’t get out. There will be this surprising twist in the movie where the characters find out there’s something bad in the cave which doesn’t like them much. The screenwriter decides this is a rather clever story idea, which will bank on the demographic of people who don’t like caves, as well as the demographic of people who are blind and deaf.
You know it will be a scary movie when at the end of the trailer, the gravelly narrator utters: “Beneath Heaven lies Hell. Beneath Hell lies…the Cave.” So logically, if Hell is beneath Heaven, and Hell is a lot worse than heaven, and if the Cave is beneath Hell, then the Cave is even worse, and scarier than Hell? Boy, this movie just gets spookier and spookier. I am fully persuaded that the terrors of the Cave are worse than skinny-dipping in a lake of fire and brimstone. Wait, let me reword that: I am fully persuaded that seeing The Cave is worse than skinny-dipping in a lake of fire and brimstone.
