A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from far he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening. Saturday night the man arrives at her house with flowers and candy.
To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."
With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and Mom is busy knitting.
After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.
After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.
At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye."
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.
The man can't believe her casual response.
"That's how they communicate!, Mom was simply saying, "Are you going to get this asshole a drink?" and Dad was replying, "No, fuck him - I'm watching the match."
A mother had 3 virgen daughters.they were all getting married soon, and because mom was a bit worrried about how their sex life would get started she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The 1st girl sent a card from Hawaii 2 days after the wedding. the card said nothing but "NESCAFE." mom was puzzled at first but then went to the kichen and got out the Nescafe jar. it said" GOOD TILL THE LAST DROP." mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The 2nd girl sent a card from Vermont a week after the wedding and the card read" BENSON & HEDGES." mom now knew to go straight to her husbands cigarettes and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack "EXTRA LONG KING SIZE." she was again slightly embarresed but still happy for her daughter.
The 3rd girl left for the honeymoon to the Carribbean. mom waited for a week and nothing. another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month a card finaly arrived. Written in shaky handwritting were the words "BRITISH AIRWAYS." mom took out her lastest Bazaar magazine flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finaly found the ad for the airline. The ad said"3 TIMES A DAY, 7 DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS" mom fainted!!!
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy....... So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
And... Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
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