I never write in these, but I figure what the hell. My life has been so fucked up lately, and I'm trying to be stronger than ever. I have made so many mistakes in my life already and I'm only 17 years old. I have ditched my family for my friends, but my friends were the ones who were just talking behind my back. I am tired of everyone saying one thing to me and then turning around and saying shit about me. I don't understand it. I've always been straightforward with people because that's what I've wanted in return. Mike for instance, has always talked to me and "been there"... I just now found out that he hasn't.. it was all lies. He really has stirred up a lot of drama in my life, which I guarentee wouldn't have been there in the beginning. I still miss Drew, but I know that it was just a big summer mistake. I'm finally being more like myself, but I am doing it all on my own. Katie left and moved to South Carolina to get away from the drama, and I've never been without her. I wish for once that punishments would effect me, but for some reason they don't. I wouldn't be in half this trouble if they did. My mom is a bitch, but I love her so much. She has always just wanted to keep me from turning into my dad, and I might have instantly. My life isn't all that bad. I have a great family, a great job, and I go to an awesome school. I just always think about the negative side to everything. I feel so used right now from Leah. It's like she's my friend when she needs money for school lunch or gas money, but she talks badly about me behind my back. I might never be good friends with her again. I made the mistake of trying to help out earlier this year. I thought that it was kind of working with me because I did quit doing drugs, but it wasn't the drugs. I just am tired of being alone. I have no true friends, and practically everyone knows everything about my life. I talk too much about it. I wish I could go back in time and change what I did to Leah, but I know that all i can do is move on. I'm going by everyday individually, but I still miss having fun with my friends. Right now, I am catching up my school work because I've missed so much school. I hate being locked up for stupid stuff. That's fucking crazy. I'm on house arrest yet again. My 17th birthday was loads of fun too... NOT.. I am trying to hard not to run away from my problems. My entire life I have fought the idea of depression, until the day I tried to OD. I hate even having thoughts like that come into my head. I wish that I didn't think so different. I've ruined a lot of things in the past year, which I know I could have stopped. I ruined even a friendship with Drew. I made my sister think of me as a bad role model, and my dad hates me for the first time. I've always been daddy's little girl. I'm so tired of drugs
!!! I wish they wouldn't exist. I'm stuck in this cycle and i can't get out. My friends are slowly getting drained down that path, but worse of all, I started to too. Now, I have no friends because the "druggies" think I'm a snitch for trying to save a friend, and the "goodies" think I'm the most rebellious thing ever. Samantha and I used to be the best of friends. We hung out ALL the time, but I pushed her and Ashley L. away because they didn't like hangin out with people that smoked pot all of the time. I would give anything to take that back and go back to my trips to the mall and laying at the pool at Windermere. It seems like I am never satisfied with anything. I like things to go my way, but I never know exactly what I want. This is one big babbling entry, but it helps to just get all of this shit out. I was living a lie, and I'm done. Only 30 more years left to live, and I want to enjoy every second of it, which means I don't want to ever fight with anything/ anyone. I've created enough drama in my life. I'm done with all of the bullshit. I'm tired of being everyone's friend when it's conveniant for them. FUCK THAT. I'm a person. I might act stupid sometimes, but I'm a lot smarter than everyone thinks. I know what I've done, and that is allow other people's opinion's influence me way too much. I'm done with all of that. It's high school and it's challenging, but this is more than that. I was in jail when my grandpa had a stroke. I would go crazy if he would have died. Not to mention anyone else. I can't handle all of this stress, but for some reason, I can't talk to anyone about it. I only tell people about the drama and the fake stuff. I HATE being called "SHERMAN" my name is KRISTEN... Sherman reminds me of lies, failures, and unhappiness. It was all so fake before.
Friend or not :( ----