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"I would rather live and love where death is king than have eternal life where love is not"
"Your slower then a heard of turtle's stampeding threw peanut butter"
"If I think more about death than some other people, it is probably because I love life more than they do"

I open my eyes
I try to see but Im blinded by the white light
I cant remember how
I cant remember why
Im lying here tonight

And I cant stand the pain
And I cant make it go away
No I cant stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Ive got no where to run
The night goes on
As Im fading away
Im sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybodys screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
Im slipping off the edge
Im hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I cant explain what happened
And I cant erase the things that Ive done
No I cant

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Ive got no where to run
The night goes on
As Im fading away
Im sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
Ive got no where to run
The night goes on
As Im fading away
Im sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me


So yeah there I was, right? Its been so long since I have gotten to sit down and update, but right now I just feel like I shud! You know you better be reading this, CAUSE IF NOT, I'M GONNA MAKE YOU AND IF YOU DONT I'LL MAKE YOU..YEAH BITCH! lol, Freak Nasty! Beach Bitch! Anyways I had a blast this last weekand, went to Fargo wif Nina and Amber and just went with the flow and just had a grate time. I broke up with Jsyn though, I felt like such a ass, but sumtimes I really hate being wrong, I just hate it... I felt bad though, my thoughts just were crumbled up and thrown down deep inside of me. I got a call from Bri and Jsyn wanted me to go to his house, so me and Nicole and Nina and sum other peeps rolled over to his house. I walked in his house and he had this little fun game that I had to find 10 enveleopes. I just felt bad...knowing that I had been a biznatch to him. At the end of the game he had a dozen roses waiting for me on his bed, I was in awe...I loved it, I made the best of the game and yeah I laughed. I told him I would be back at around 11, I went out with Nina and them agian and just hung out. I told them my feelings and they helped me out, I felt like a ass though. Anyways yeah I got dropped off at Jsyns house and we talked it out. Okay so you have heard that! Jsyn, Lance, Josh L., and I on Sunday got pretty trashed. That was fun man! Okay well I gots to run man! Peace out homslices, MCL.


WATS UP BITCHES! So HALLOWICKED was da shit, I love...ok brb. lunch time.


Hey! Wassup my nigglets! Hmm...I just thought i would update for you all, Yah I don't know who all reads this, but whoever does, should tell me in person sumtime, cause otherwise I feel like I shouldn't update anymore if no one reads or sumtin like that...ya know!? Anyways hear me out for a little bit... so um I'm shur u all heard about Mary's rollover in her Geo Metro, it hasn't fun to think about lately. Everytime I see a car in the ditch or any kind of accident, I just get images in my head, like that could of been her, damn man, I know shes well alive and what not, but hell if I lost her, thats like losing half of my life, thats like everything going down in a casket 6ft under the ground, all those memories, all those fun times, all those moments in time, all those stupid fights that Mary and I have had.
I was sitting outside school and I asked where Mary was. Nicole took me away from the group outside and took me inside and told me, I lost it. I started to bawl right there in school, I got really weak and sick to my stomach. My first thought was "I have to go right NOW! I have to see my best friend" Nicole told me she was alright and what not, But I still lost it, I had to go, I had to see her, I couldn't belive she was alright. A few mintutes later she walked in the school doors, I calmed down that instant to see she was walking and talking and what not. But those images just flashed threw my head as we all stood there in the hallway of the school. I didn't know if I should hug her or just keep it to myself... I was scared for some reason, I guess she noticed how shooken up I was, she gave me a hug and I just bawled on her shoulder, most of our friends thought, wow I'm guessin! Thank God shes alive! I wrote her a note later that day, I was still shooken up, I wrote her a note tellin her how much she meaned to me!
Lately shes kind of gotten down in the dumps agian, I hope shes doing good in a few weeks though, I gotch your back Firecrotch!
Yah I dunno, I just thought it would help me out here. Schools been doing aight! Its going good! Anyways um, I went to VICA in Jamestown and I placed 1st place for a promotional bulletin bored me and this gurl Jen from Jamestown made in like a 1 1/2 hours to do.Oh my gosh, so like Will Hart's band has been playing in Jsyns basement and I think they have a really good band, it sounds awesome. Jsyns been doing sum underground work to, but I'll leave that to him to tell you! I guess their gonna start selling some stuff, either me or Jsyn will have to tell you when they do that! So yeah I just wanted to support them here! Anyways I think I'm kinda gettin long here, but I hope you read it. love ya Jsyn. MCL to all! Pea's out!


hey nigglets whats cracken!? just chillin here in school! Ok so I went to homecomin wit my jsyn and it was awesome. our pics which i just got today their are soo cute! so i have been a soak all weekand, drinkin til i pass out! first it was karla and i and then the next day it was bri and we drank sum shit, Hot 100 and Peach schnapps and mikes hard and shit. night train, thats the shit! mmm mmm. ur like omg shes such a alcoholic, but hey its fun.... so BOOO on you! but aight im out til later. peace out nigglets...DONT STEAL THAT WORD, lol. MCL. love you jsyn


So the game was awesome, I loved seeing Kellie punch Kayla Straabe. LOL! Im kinda sore, but not really. JSYN #25 DOES NOT SUCK!! LOL! So Mary and I skipped the whole day of school yesterday. We didn't need to go to sum stupid career fair shit. LOL! Our alternative teacher told us baseically we didn't really have to go.... so we didn't! LMAO! We went to Fingal and hung around there. Then we came back into town and hung around there. Went up to her house and watched Underworld, I actureally love that movie! So yeah, I love being over here at Alternative, I get alot done in a little time. It takes u a whole year to do a book, well it takes me 2-3 weeks to be done with ONE book! Well anyways the game ruled, senoirs won of course, its rigged to be that way! But yah with that I'm gonna bounce out, I gotz to get to Journalism! PEACE, MCL.. Love u Jsyn. oxoxo


Wazzzp nigga's!? Nothing to much here. So we got our shirts on Friday, there pretty cool. Didn't get number 17, but oh well man, I will live! So this weekand has been pretty fucked up! Friday I drank up at Jason Wind's house and shit, it was intense and then I went to Fargo that night wit Katt and Amber and yeeah, I passed out when I got their, so I was pretty trashed. I got up and drank a beer and didn't feel to good, so I threw up. Isshy!! Yucky! Any ways, yah it was pretty messed up. I met a couple new people this weekand, mostly guyz, but they were cool. Levi, Ashley and Damon... lol. there aight, but yeah. and yes Ashley is a guy! Well we went to the mall for a little bit and I stole A ICP shirt and shoe laces, lol. Thats the fun for Friday. On Saterday me and Jsyn went to the movie Andaconda's and it was tight. lol. Then we went home and we drank a bottle of Night Train to ourselves, got pretty fucked up there too. Anyways yeeah its been a FUCKED UP weekand, So with that Im out. COME TO THE GAME TOMMOROW. PEACE!


Did you hear that? Yesterday we didn't get our shirts, but I hear we get them today, so I'm all good with that! We had practice agian last night, I still like it. Next practice isnt til Sunday!! So wish us luck man! Its been a alright day. I kinda like it this way. Jsyn stayed with me at my house last night, it was cool, I'm lovin it more and more we are together. So yeah. Jsyns got bowling tonight, wish you good luck on ur second week. So theres a party this weekand I got invited to go to. IDK if I really want to go though, so yeeeah....we shall see later on! Anyways up at Vo-Tech I was makin Vinal stickers for lots of peeps, I made one for my Jsyn and for Kellie and Mary and Heidi actureally I made a few for Heidi and stuck them on her car....anyways I'm makin a huge one for my car out of mettalic silver vinal and its gonna say "Shor-Tae" in Old English letters, so thats gonna kick sum ass. Anyways I'm gonna bounce, Im bored! PEACE.MCL


Yo! So today is going pretty good, last night we had practice for Powder Puff and I have to admit it was cool. We were doing drills and what not...and the guys were watching us....I heard Casey.M say I had a good arm for throwing and catching...this was only 15 mins into drillz, so I felt good bout myself. Yaah and I hear we get our P.P shirts today.. SOOO THATS FUCKING AWESOME! Ya plus we got practice again tonight at 7pm at Pioneer Park. But last night was awesome, we are all hyped up bout the game, SENOIRS ARE GOING DOWWWWWN TO DA GRROOOOUNDD!! Mwuhahaha. Oooh and you betcha the senoirs are gettin more then a asswhoopin at the game, but a great surprise before the game too.....WOOO! **AND IF I HAD IT MY WAY THE FUCKING SUN WOULD BE GONE** anyways, I brought my cd player to school So I'm jammin to Hell's Pit! Unlike you people over at the other school listenin to a boring old teacher and takin stupid ass notes you DONT need! Lmao! Gawd damn my mom was being mean last night... It just pissed me off... DAMN IT! grrr! Heh!? Yah man, In Graphic Design my pictures turned out least from what I seen, either ppl got there pictures to dark or they didn't work out...Soo yeah...all mine turned out though...very nice.. I love them! Oooh and sumtin else.....JSYNS REALLY HOT! Alright I think I'm gonna bounce out and go to journalism...BTW I got my cartoon done for the paper.... hehe. OK IM DONE. MCL. LOVE YOU JSYN, we be hangin out tonight.


ahhh GRRR damn it, alright so I got sum steam to blow off here. Alright so for the last week I have been thinkin its gonna be grate to get my job back and shit... so I call today to make shur I work at 4pm and Duane (the boss) gets on the phone and tells me I have been switched with sum other person for sum STUPID reason, which is really fuckin pissen me off... soo here I am all excited to be back at my job and to be let back down agian, IM SO FUCKING PISSED! So I asked Duane if I was gonna be on the sced. for this commin week and he said I can try and work sumthing out, SO WTF is going on, I hate that shit... I hate being toyed with. GRRR! Im so glad "my boss" calls to tell me this really great fuckin news, wouldnt it piss u off. Okay Im done...but I still hope I have that job. MCL


Hey hey, whats going on!? Nothing here at all, Im doing pretty good but I could be better, yah heard!? So its finally Friday, and guess what? ANOTHER PARTY TOMMOROW MAN, its gonna be cool, yeeeah and its in Fingal and Jennas house at 8-8:30pm, so yer welcome to come, theres gonna be alot of ppl there anyways.---> So today I thought I would take a Expo marker to Heidi's car and tell her to come to that, lol. its the shit! Hope u love it Heidi! Well I go back to work tommrow, it shud be coo and all... waitressing, im pretty excited! Yesterday was pretty coo too, me and Mary went to the football game and shit, it was alright...then I went and watched my baby Jsyn at bowling and Chelsey came to hang with me and we did homework and shit, it was tight! THROW IT UP MOTHERFUCKER!! Today Kayleigh was really pissen me off, I hate people that think they know everything and flaunt their shit, as far as im concerned they can shove it all up their ass! Yah, woo.. So Journalism is going really good, I got like 3 things to do, like coloumns and little things and the cartoon, yeeah the comics are gonna be the shit with me and Jess Kamstra doing have to see it... YOU MUST!! you will know its my work of art, U will love it just as much as I do!! Hmmm anyways I got balloons and flowers the other day, there awesome, thanks Kellie...ur the best!! Well I think Im gonna bounce on out, schools bout to bust a nut, I mean BUST OUT! OOOOOKAY!! Peace out. MCL. LOVE YOU JSYN! MCL


YOOO!! Wat the hell is up!? Me and Jess are chillin on the puters in Alternative and I'm jammin to KottonMouth Kings man, pretty good shit!! JESS IS HOT!!! hahaha man, idk!? Im gonna hang out with my boi tonight, cannot wait... i have been excited all day! Sooo last night I cleaned my room damn good, like you all care, but it took forever. I found sum old, old, old skool shit, like old pictures and notes from like forever ago, but to myself I had hella fun looking threw that shit... anyways THROW IT UP MOTHERFUCKER!! WHHHHHATTT? YEEEEEAH!!! OOOOOKAY! Anyways Brianna I love yer hair it looks awesome! Heidi man thanks for the shroom necklace its very nice....Jsyn baby thank you for the bracelet and dinner at Olive Garden, love you! Oh and Heidi thanks for the cupcake in my face... CHELSEY....whats wrong with you... you got WHITE SHIT on yer shirt man. Lmao, Im just pullin things outta my ass. Peace. MCL


JAnarchySYN!-->No Chelsey I Do Not Have To "Cuff" My Underwear Cause Im So Short. Lmao!! "G" I love being short man!! REPERSANT WHOOT! Okay Im Done! Alright so my day has gone okay today! Hmmm but this weekand was hella fun, WE PARTIED HARD, at least for the most of them, I was pretty trashed by the end of the night! LOL, Bri was gone man, She was so high she couldnt even stand herself! LOL, thats when you know u are toasted, well Jsyn was like black toast, soo he was pretty burnt from smokin up too! Wooo High Times man! LOL! So um it was my birthday and shit, I got mostly money and shit, so all together I have 90 dollarz and then my dad is givin me more, I think around 200 maybe less!? Anyways... yeah dude, I foregot to mention that I'm gonna be in PowderPuff and im # 17, thats right, ICP's fave. number man....if you dont know what the fuck im talkin bout, ur fucking retarded urself! Oh and what else....I might be in Theater for crew and shit, that would be fun!! I hung out with Jess today, it was pretty cool and what not... we met up with Jsyn and John at the football game and what not... MAN I MISS MY BABY!!! *cries* oooo well we got tommorow Jsyn! Oh yeah and this Saterday in Fingal, were having a huge party agian, it should be hella fun, so ur welcome to come man! DID I FUCKING TELL YOU I GOT MY JOB BACK? YAA IM WAITRESSING THIS TIME AT KENNYS, IM EXCITED AS ALL HELL! Did I also mention That I Love Seafood, no for real... i love seafood...its the best diet you could have!! Well fuck its like midnight, I really need to get the last of my room picked the fuck up and the few worksheets in Literature man, so peace out lo'z and lettes. LOVE, ME!!! I LOVE YOU JSYN ALLEN LEADBETTER! *Muah* KISS! MCL


Hey you weeners! Guess what? Guess what? OOOOHH thats right you dont knoooow? YER ASS BETTA CALL SUUMMMBOOODY!! *I miss Road Dogg* anyways, 2 Days til my bday, Im excited, just more excited that Jsyn and I are going back out, this time we are starten frreash!But on the same day the 3rd, that was last night!!
Yeeah me and Jsyn were walkin towards the football game last night and it was like 8:30 er so, so it was dark and all, he like had me come into the light, the light post by his house and told me to reach in his pocket, so I was a little like you know worried what the hell it was, anyways it was a bracelet that said "Rissa" on it, its soo beautiful! I can't tell you how happy I was, but damn I was happy:D! We went walking around town and decided to sit on Central and what not! Later on Mary and them asked us to go to Kayleighs party, so thats what we did, it was a awesome party, we both got pretty trashed and drove back to Jsyns house!! I just wanted to tell peeps man cause Im bored! WOOOO! Anyways Im gonna bounce out and chill wit my boifren! WOOO!. Love ya Jsyn! PEACE-MCL


Heeey! You know whats so cool is that in Alternative is that we can be on the puter forever and not get kicked off! Im just sitten here jammin to sum Tupac on the Itunes! Wooo this is the life... I just wanted to update and say that Im having my party this Saterday(which is tommorow) in Fingal, I cannot wait to be older and shit, wooo.... Yeah school is going really good for the first time in my life, I get things done and I have time to do things that I wanna do... Ms. Wagger is my teach and she does Yearbook, so Im thinkin about doing that sumtime soon here, she said that there should be a spot open later on, so its all good, I got plenty of time to work on things and get things done. I got Bridges going too, and to tell you the truth I love it! I love everything about it! I thought of doing a column on Dick today, sooo Nina and I are gonna do a column on Dick Phiel, hes my AA teacher and yah I love him to death, which is sad b/c he is very ill, he has brain cancer, it makes me sad, hes like a good friend and a great listener, so keep a look out for that column later this year I suppose! For sum reason I just want to CRY so hard today, I don't know why I want to, but I think I need a good cry! Hehe well I don't know though, Im doing pretty good. I havent talked to my probation officer in like 2 weeks and yeah who cares though, its just Kurt Brown Anyways since I can update in schoool and what not I will do that more then likely alot. Well I'm outta here, I gots to go hang with my baby! I think were going to the game tonight too!! PEACE. MCL


Heeey nigz, whats cracken? Nothing on this fine ass Saterday afternoon, just chillin. I just wanted to tell peeps that YOU ALL SUCK GOING TO VCHS!! Thaaats right bitches, Im in alternative and you know what? It kicks royal ass, Me and Mary and Jess love it.. its great. Im gonna be done with school THIS YEAR...maybe that is. Anyways ALTERNATIVE FUCKING RULES!!! OOOOH and you better belive this Im in Journalism and for that I get to write colums and DRAW cartoons with Jessie Kamstra, its gonna be off da hook. The first issue of Bridges comes out on Sept sumtin, lol. SOO I EXPECT U TO WATCH OUT FOR THE PAPER!! Ms. Foth loved my ideas for the newspaper and yeeeeeah this is only my first year of Journalism!! IM LOVIN IT, like Juggalo McDonalds! OOOH AND ANOTHER THING ITS MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY IN 9 DAYS, THATS GONNA BE HUGE MAN, SO YEEER ALL INVITED TO COME TO FINGAL THAT NIGHT!! Hells Pit is commin out, like U already knew that shit, MAN IM FUCKING EXCITED! *MEOW MOTHERFUCKERS*. MARYS ON FIRE DAMN IT, THROW SUM WATER ON HER JESS!!! lol, IDK but Im really lovin school, for all you that are Squashmores, prepare for a year in hell with all those dumb fuckers, god I hated last year! MWUAHAHAHA! Anyways you crackers, Me and Jsyn and Mike and Lance went to Pizza Slut and ate sum pizza and shit it was fuckin funnie shit.. they were like makin beats with anything and everything on the table, I LOVED IT, it almost made me cream my shorts, JK! Anyways we cruised for a little today and that was funnie too, can you imgaine 3 guys JAMMIN TO FUCKING BRITTANY SPEARS, OMG thats the best shit ever! AIGHT FUCKERS IM OUT. PEACE. MCL


Hey yo! I got sum shit to get off my mind. Im pissed about the whole Jsyn and Cara thing, but you would think it gets to me huh? U think I would flip out, ya u guessed it right, are u fucking happy, watchin me suffer, you got what u wanted, making a fool out of me...thank you all for making me feel like shit and making a complete idiot out of me, you got what u wanted to read, now you can go away, away from my life and my feelings and my respect! You know A close friend of mine said that those arent your true frenz, and right now I want to belive her, I wanna belive that nothing went wrong, so in my head thats what I will tell myself, nothing went wrong and everyones good in my little black book, Ive decided that I'm gonna just try and erase it from my mind and let it go hopefully. Yah Heidi and Brianna you are the baseically the ones who were suppose to let me know shit, I thought I could trust you, but you make me look like a fool instead, but hey... I always say that things happen for a reason, so why not now, should I foregive you both, Id say "no" at this time, but I know I can, so don't think Im not a fren. If you all knew, how come you waited for so long to tell me, what your scared that Jsyn will hate you and Cara, thats bullshit.. if you care about sumone so much, you should let them know, so they don't get hurt, Id do the fucking same thing for anyone of you. But I guess whatever!
School starts this week, Im excited, it gets me out and I cannot wait to start my graphic design and auto tech classes, and ooh yeah I get done at 2:30 this year! Ooh and since Jsyn and I had plans to go to wrestling in Fargo, we went, it was fun.. Jsyn bought me a Lita necklace, I was excited to get that and to see sum ass beating in the WE ring! We got tons of pictures, so sumtime U should see them! Aight well Im gonna head out and do sumthing constructive sumtime soon here. Peace. MCL


So its been a long fucking time since I have updated, no one cares anyway, but hell I don't have a life when I am at home, so fuck here my thoughts and storys go.

Aight well I was gonna update about the KottonMouth Kings concert, but I got lazy and besides that it was okay concert, I got a free KMK sticker from one of the guys and shit and a KMK sweatband for my wrist, me and Karla and Silkee went, I LOVE KARLA FOR IT and Im dearly sorry when our good time was ruined Karla. I still tried to have the best fun, I did on the otherhand loved drinking with you and having fun. BTW I LOVED BELCOURT, I had fun and I didn't mean to scare u with driving without a license and shit, we did have fun though Karla, right!? I'll have to tell u the story ppl, me, Karla, her dad and her sis Kelly decided to drive up to Belcourt to get "Cheese" and like it was grate I got to drive 3 1/2 hrs, to and from Belcourt for some god damn CHEESE, yaaah thats right Bri and Heidi... me and Karla drove 3 hrs to get CHEESE, beat that. HAHA! Want to hear the funniest part of the story, on the way up to Belcourt, Jesse (Karlas dad) was on the phone and calling a bunch of ppl for sum "cheese" well the whole time I thought he was using a drug slang, so I finally asked.. and I found out that it was CHEESE, like real fucking cheese, I laughed so hard. Great Times! Oh yeah and I got a 65$ ticket for speeding on the way up there. WHOOO on the fucking record for most speeding tickets!

I can't even remember some of the good shit to update about just b/c theres been alot since my last update. I do remember me and Bri. and Heidi hung out at Movieland and I got bored and decided to use the copy machine and make funnie photocopys, I loved hangin out. Oh and the othertime, this last week I got really drunk with De De and Simon Reeves, (DeDe is Darci) one of my really good long lost best friends, anyways we went booze cruzin and got really trashed and I called Cara I guess and told her that she was a bitch and shit, well its Drunk talk, I actureally dont remember calling. But yah. Crazy shit. We were going to John Lonskis party, but we went the wrong way..LMAO. Anyways, Yaaah dude, if I think of what I wanted to say agian, Ill update agian tonight, but that upate will not be good. Peace. MCL. LoVe, AnYboDy RiSsA

Whoop! Look at dis shit... I figured that this would just go on my site since Jsyn took it off his... and considering I have time when Im at home to update I will do it... sooo yeeeah. Well last day of Drivers Ed tommorow it should kick sum royal ass, cause then I don't have to worry about it. Aight well shit... Im gonna bounce for tonight. Peace. MCL


wį| ? I thought to myself I shud just update since I don't have a journal or anything... I need one though, I miss writing my thoughts down!! Anyways, Yesterday was awesome, first I get a baby Chuiwhawha, it's a she and she's so tiny its unbeliveable, I wanna name her Mercede's or Preicous, you know sumtin fierce but sumthing gurlie, IDK but my great Mother surprized me with it yesterday, I was so tickled!
Also yesterday I went to the fair in Fargo with Jsyn and D-Rock and then met up with Chelsey and Heidi and Cara there, the only thing that kinda sucked was I paid 25$ for a wristband and didn't really use it to the max, you know what I mean? O-well it was all good, I liked the rides. I don't know why everyone decided to leave after Pharoh's ride... but it seemed to be my fault or sumtin, makes me feel like shit when people call me pissy or a bitch, so let me guess everytime I don't talk and everyone things I'm pissed off? Heh, thats pretty retarded, I don't always have to be a cheery little person, I have my up's and definetly my downs, doesnt everyone? Anyways for the most part, I had fun. We all went on the Spaceship and the Carni. reconized Jsyn's 50$ Dark Lotus shirt and decided to play sum ICP for us, it was awesome! After the fair... we went to see White Chicks with the Waynes Brothers, that movie is so funnie, I just bout died laughing and the ladies in front of us made me laugh harder the way they laughed! LMFAO! Thats about it for yesterday. The other day Jsyn got his license back and its been good and all, I helped pay for his license.. so Jsyn.. you owe me one. Well Jsyn was not to great that day he was pretty mad that his bump wasnt good in his car, so I told him to stop at Wire Workz in Jamestown and it just so happens that Mike H. lives in Jamestown... well he decides to call Jsyn about his system, cause Jsyns gonna buy his system and belive me its worth it! Aight well we just hung out in Jamestown that day, got our hair cut and then came home and dyed it! Well I think I'm done now. Peace. MCL