Maybe next week
Mood:  lazy
Well, it never started. But I'm ok with that. Maybe I need to wait awhile and maintain, the go at it again. As long as I don't go back to where I was. I feel pretty tonight. Tired, but pretty. Maybe all the BS I get to deal with in the coming weeks will make everything better.

It's always tomorrow
Mood:  a-ok
I feel pretty good today. I got so much accomplished with the new workload and other tasks that have been looming at home. Now, if I could only get onto the bandwagon with my problem. I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be the day. Well, maybe tomorrow will be this time.

It hurts
Mood:  don't ask
Well, I couldn't do it yesterday and I'm not even going to bother trying today. Well, maybe a little. All except for tonight. I think that I might need to drink a lot tonight. It will make it easy to do what I need to tonight. I've been craving the alcohol alot lately. Probably not a good thing. Starting Monday on the right path. Well, a different path.

Is it possible to make myself into someone that I never was? Maybe. I guess I'm up for a challenge. But I feel like purging. And my back hurts. Damned cement floor. Put a mat on the shopping list. Uggh, the money. I hate this time of year because of the money. Well, I think that I might be able to swing it though. We'll see...

Now what
Mood:  blue
Now,why should I have a problem lusting over the man if he is still married? I mean, nothing was ever going to happen. It's the real world, I would never have a chance to meet him, and I don't think that he would give me a second glance even if we did.

Just because I had those couple stray so long ago doesn't mean I would ever want another to do that.

Will anyone desire me the way that I desired him? But that is why it was safe to obsess over him like that. Pick a target that will never be a threat. Why should I feel guilty if he is taken? Am I not taken also? Why is my quilt about the lust and desire less when it comes to my sins of the heart?

What I want
Mood:  mischievious
I want it to be like it was before. Before, when I hated myself. Before, when all I thought that I wanted is what I have now. I miss the place in the city. I miss the looks that I got. I miss being able to have anyone I wanted. Now, it's just me playing the same old game day in and day out.

To what lengths will I go to get back there? Well, I never will make it back there. So much has changed. If I do have the chance, to get somewhat back there, will I make the same mistake and end up here again? Will it be different the next time. It all depends on what happens in the next 10 years. I don't really want THAT to happen (deep down in my heart), but I that is the only way out of the situation.

Some times I think that if I just have a taste of what I want, that I could control the urge. I guess that's why I put my focus on the unattainable. I wouldn't want to end up like the ones that I dispise.

But to what lenghts will I go to reach the next step. I will try tomorrow, or no later then Monday to do the insane, but I probably won't last. I know what I need to do, but it is taking to long. But, I only have time now, so what's the big deal.

I just hope that they are waiting for me when this is all said and done.

I want them to feel me the way that the others have.