MILKinTHEcabinet: hrm..

MILKinTHEcabinet: you took me off your LJ...again.. for like the 4th time.

MILKinTHEcabinet: lol

MILKinTHEcabinet: just leave me off it

MILKinTHEcabinet: you obviously need a vent without my invasion and lectures

FlyAwayBreakaway: yes

FlyAwayBreakaway: lol

MILKinTHEcabinet: oh!?

MILKinTHEcabinet: well screw you too then!

MILKinTHEcabinet: lol

FlyAwayBreakaway: you're the one...who wanted to figure stuff out. i figured that you should figure your stuff out without reading my thought provoking shit

FlyAwayBreakaway: lol

MILKinTHEcabinet: well actually ive been doing a helluva lota thinking about thayt

MILKinTHEcabinet: and...

MILKinTHEcabinet: i havent figured anything out

FlyAwayBreakaway: how insightful!

MILKinTHEcabinet: lol

MILKinTHEcabinet: i tried writing alot of it down, you know, organize my thoughts.

MILKinTHEcabinet: that didnt work very well.

FlyAwayBreakaway: yeah i'd imagine

MILKinTHEcabinet: but honestly..

MILKinTHEcabinet: i dont really need to figure anything out

MILKinTHEcabinet: i dont think

MILKinTHEcabinet: nothing involving you anyways

FlyAwayBreakaway: ok

MILKinTHEcabinet: there are 2 main reasons

MILKinTHEcabinet: why i wanted to "not see you" (as weird as that sounds)

MILKinTHEcabinet: i feel like i cant help you

MILKinTHEcabinet: and i you wont help youself

MILKinTHEcabinet: *and you

MILKinTHEcabinet: your constantly talking so negatively

FlyAwayBreakaway: yeah

FlyAwayBreakaway: thus the reasoni took you off my journal lol

MILKinTHEcabinet: "my life sucks, i wish i could get away, i hate my life" sort of thing

MILKinTHEcabinet: that pisses me off

FlyAwayBreakaway: i don't say my life sucks

FlyAwayBreakaway: i say i hate life, meaning i hate emotions, people and blah blah blah

FlyAwayBreakaway: but i don't say my life sucks.

MILKinTHEcabinet: ok

MILKinTHEcabinet: sorry

FlyAwayBreakaway: my life would suck if i were homeless, pregnant and abused by my crack addict boyfriend

FlyAwayBreakaway: but i still wouldn't say it sucked

FlyAwayBreakaway: cause there's always someone who has it worse.

MILKinTHEcabinet: ragardless, it pisses me off seeing that ALL you see, is the shit

MILKinTHEcabinet: and by that statement you just made, its obvious you can see both sides

MILKinTHEcabinet: which ive always known you've been able to do

MILKinTHEcabinet: which is why it so frastrating seeing you so misreble because your dwelling on just 1 side of it

MILKinTHEcabinet: if you look for something, no matter what it is, no matter where it is. your going to find it

MILKinTHEcabinet: and it seems like your just looking for shit to be depressed about

FlyAwayBreakaway: i'm not...i've been trying to move on.

MILKinTHEcabinet: you say you hate your life, and im not trying to be offensive (so please dont lash out about how im wrong), you havent done anything to change it

MILKinTHEcabinet: you havent exhausted your options

MILKinTHEcabinet: everyone gets these horrible foreign, where the hell, these arent mine, who am i, thoughts.

MILKinTHEcabinet: but its only when you dwell on them that they become a problem

FlyAwayBreakaway: look...what CAN i do to change it?! i couldn't hack school and for a while, my parents weren't at allll open to the idea of me getting my GED so i was pretty much stuck between a rock and a hard place. i think they thought kellar was magically gonna change my mind and i'd be super going back to school. but they saw that this was the only way i was gonna go. so finally they give in. great, i'm excited to move on and happy that i get to make the changes i wanna make.

FlyAwayBreakaway: so i need a job. i job hunt, i apply, i hear nothing...

FlyAwayBreakaway: and now i'm waiting

FlyAwayBreakaway: i WANT things to change, i've DONE things to make them change and i'm waiting...and that's the frustrating part.

MILKinTHEcabinet: why do you hate your life so much?

FlyAwayBreakaway: cause i feel stuck, i feel controlled, i feel misunderstood

FlyAwayBreakaway: but i didn't say i hated my life

FlyAwayBreakaway: i said i hated life

FlyAwayBreakaway: there's a difference.

MILKinTHEcabinet: excuse me

FlyAwayBreakaway: and i don't hate life

FlyAwayBreakaway: maybe did in the past...

MILKinTHEcabinet: then why are you still acting like it?

FlyAwayBreakaway: am i? how?

FlyAwayBreakaway: have you even been able to gather any insight on my views on life in the past 2 weeks?

MILKinTHEcabinet: it was what 5 days ago on you LJ that you posted another im depressed thread?

MILKinTHEcabinet: i think it was on christmas maybe a little before or after

FlyAwayBreakaway: I'm just...sad.

FlyAwayBreakaway: dec 26th

FlyAwayBreakaway: i wasn't depressed or suicidal or anything

FlyAwayBreakaway: i said i was sad

FlyAwayBreakaway: simply having a bad day...

MILKinTHEcabinet: sorry for the misunderstanding

MILKinTHEcabinet: bad timing

FlyAwayBreakaway: bad timing?

MILKinTHEcabinet: this is really pissing me off now

MILKinTHEcabinet: yes

FlyAwayBreakaway: whats pissing you off now?

MILKinTHEcabinet: you started to change as i decided id leave till you did

FlyAwayBreakaway: no

FlyAwayBreakaway: i'

MILKinTHEcabinet: which is what it appears to be

FlyAwayBreakaway: i've BEEN changing

FlyAwayBreakaway: you haven't even cared

FlyAwayBreakaway: you didn't even notice

MILKinTHEcabinet: ohhh fuuuckkkk thhhattttt

MILKinTHEcabinet: aside from the last few weeks ive ALWAYS been asking and prodding to find out what the latest status is in the world of kim

MILKinTHEcabinet: ive ALWAYS been wishing you could get out of it.

MILKinTHEcabinet: im sorry if i "didnt notice" but that is no fault of mine. not saying it is of yours either but damn

FlyAwayBreakaway: I really need to change the way I think. I try not to stress about this stuff, but when I don't think about it it gets supressed and then I have that heavy weight feeling, like I'm carrying this huge burden.

FlyAwayBreakaway: december 11th...

MILKinTHEcabinet: i almost always get lack of answers or missed opportunities to see you

FlyAwayBreakaway: what?

MILKinTHEcabinet: excuse me for not reading your fucking live journal on a day to day basis. But after several YEARS of the same bullshit it got a little old

MILKinTHEcabinet: the last time i saw it was the same story

MILKinTHEcabinet: i believe it was at "youth group"

MILKinTHEcabinet: *i saw you

FlyAwayBreakaway: i'm not saying you have to read my journall!!!!! you aren't even hearing me. i'm just trying to say that i've been making attempts to change, for a long long time...and the fact that you haven't noticed that means you don't really know me at all.

MILKinTHEcabinet: how the fuck could i notice!?

MILKinTHEcabinet: when im around you you act the exact same as always

MILKinTHEcabinet: when i talk to you i still get the same answers

FlyAwayBreakaway: because the minute i SAY i'm fucking doing better it's like i jinx it...and i hateeeeeeeeeeeeee talking about myself so it's not like i'm gonna start spewing out all this stuff.

MILKinTHEcabinet: "because the minute i SAY i'm fucking doing better it's like i jinx it." that would be kind of one of my points

MILKinTHEcabinet: you say your doing better then the next second your not

MILKinTHEcabinet: gives kinda the "girl who cried better" feeling doesnt it?

FlyAwayBreakaway: don't you think performing again was a sign i'm getting better?

MILKinTHEcabinet: well im going to take that. your right, i didnt know you stopped performing

FlyAwayBreakaway: or my whole "realization" while i was at the center...actually, i don't think you knew because you didn't talk to me for more than a 'hey what's up' during that time.

MILKinTHEcabinet: i was never told you stopped, or started again, hinting that you once did stop

FlyAwayBreakaway: while i was leaving the center

FlyAwayBreakaway: i stopped...for like a year maybe i didn't perform

MILKinTHEcabinet: well damn, sorry i missed that. dont know how i could of cosidering all of our convos over the past several months have been consisting of me trying desperately to get answers to what was going on, and you saying "ok"

FlyAwayBreakaway: maybe the reason you don't know any of this, or you didn't know that i've been better, is because i don't talk about shit...so yeah that's my fault

MILKinTHEcabinet: oigjiosdj

FlyAwayBreakaway: but i cant say that you telling me i bring you down makes me want to tell you anything

MILKinTHEcabinet: i DIDNT say that

MILKinTHEcabinet: your twisting my words when i specifically said not to, but we'll get back to that in a moment

FlyAwayBreakaway: MILKinTHEcabinet: im finally comming out of the depression shit
MILKinTHEcabinet: but everytime i see you it's like im being pulled back in

FlyAwayBreakaway: MILKinTHEcabinet: be happy
MILKinTHEcabinet: but your not, and everytime i see you im reminded of that
MILKinTHEcabinet: and it brings me to a place that i dont want to be

MILKinTHEcabinet: your pulling that out of context but again what a fucking second

MILKinTHEcabinet: wait

MILKinTHEcabinet: " maybe the reason you don't know any of this, or you didn't know that i've been better, is because i don't talk about shit...so yeah that's my fault" of course i dont! After a FUCKING YEAR of you constantly shutting down my attempts to find out, or strike up a conversation. I learn to just avoid it, because it began to make me feel like if i kept going with it it would push you away

FlyAwayBreakaway: i'm sorry!!! i'm not making excuses, but i have allllllways been the one who listens to other peoples' problems and helps out. for me to be the one spilling things out is a completely foreign concept

MILKinTHEcabinet: EXACTLY MY POINT!

MILKinTHEcabinet: you cant blame me for not know about your advances in comming out of the hole if i never hear shit of it

MILKinTHEcabinet: however i also agree that i cant blame you for me not knowing either

MILKinTHEcabinet: i appologizes for not continuing to prod when you were finally ready. but your the only person who i truely care about after such a long time of denial the discouraging aspect of it tends to kick in

MILKinTHEcabinet: which just to be clear about, i also dont blame you for.

MILKinTHEcabinet: *and after

MILKinTHEcabinet: MILKinTHEcabinet: be happy
MILKinTHEcabinet: but your not, and everytime i see you im reminded of that
MILKinTHEcabinet: and it brings me to a place that i dont want to be

MILKinTHEcabinet: i believe i also said, or tried to say. That you WERENT the cause of that

MILKinTHEcabinet: and that it was my OWN confusions, thoughts, feelings, and insecurities that made it that way

FlyAwayBreakaway: yeah but it still meant that seeing me was causing you to think things that brought you down...

MILKinTHEcabinet: which was exactly what i didnt want you to think

FlyAwayBreakaway: but it's true!!!

MILKinTHEcabinet: well can we please both agree that we both fucked up on atleast a very small measure so that we can please stop fighting

FlyAwayBreakaway: sure

MILKinTHEcabinet: im sorry i make things so complicated

FlyAwayBreakaway: you don't...

MILKinTHEcabinet: your right, i didnt pick up on the signs. i should have noticed you were changing

FlyAwayBreakaway: i wanted you to come to youth and hang out...i called you...asked you to go out driving...

MILKinTHEcabinet: the one time i didnt want to go =(

MILKinTHEcabinet: i just figured it would be same old same old, and i didnt feel like dealing with that

FlyAwayBreakaway: i understand.

MILKinTHEcabinet: im hoping you also understand that it wasnt just my, misunderstandings

FlyAwayBreakaway: yeah

MILKinTHEcabinet: im going to go now...

FlyAwayBreakaway: ok
MILKinTHEcabinet signed off at 1:37:27 AM.