Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: limp bizkit
omg i havent said anything for a long long time. i'm dating rob again. yeah yeah. have been for awhile. he lied to me about him smoking. and i snuck out of my house and blah blah blah im grounded. that sums up everything for now. i'll catch up more later.

its been over a month since i've said anything. i went out with robbie for like 2 days. i liked him but not enough. and i didnt like that my friends didnt like him. especially laurel. but she doesnt know him like i do. even though i dumped him. i still find myself getting onlinet o talk to him.and hoping hes on. and flirting with him and stuff. i dont think this is healthy. i mean i think if we had a realtionship it could prolly be healthy. but hes too old.and im not going to date anyone until i knkow for sure that i like them. so nice of laurel to completely ditch me last night. right after we made up. i thought we needed time together. i can feel that we still arent the same. but then last night when she left..i could tell she wasnt the same. she is different. itslike everything she has taught me..she has lost. all for 2 stupid guys who dont even realize how special ashley and laurel are. they are stupid. tonight im doing hing wiht lee ann ..if i can leave the house. not sure what she will want to do but brandon said i could visit him at amoco and terry said we could go to their band practice but w/e she wants to do is fine. so josh is going to h/c wiht jessica. and.....lee is going with greg. ashlye and laurel dont have dates yet..you know why? cause those guys are dicks. i dont want a date. but i dont want to go by myself and i dont want to take robbie. so yeah...i guess i'll go with trista and gibbs. wow i feel like a loser. maybe i should just ask someone. geez who cares.it doesnt have to be perfect. maybe i should just ask someone. i thought it would be more fun to go with friends though. too bad i didnt know who my friends were. actuallyi take that back. josh is my friend. robbie is. jessica is. trista laura casie and mallory is. ok def. not ashlye because shes selfish and doesnt care waht happens as long as she gets her way. and laurel is starting to be exactly like that. i'll still talk to her but i just wont be best friends with her. lee ann robbie and josh are like my best friends right now. no more ditching. i hate that like 10 people ask me to do something a night. so..someone is always mad that im never with them. but tonight i told lee ann we woul ddo something and then terry said he had band practice at 8 so we could go to that and brandon said to come visit him at amoco and nichole wants me to get her if we go there. and then aaron asked me to go bowling wiht him and shannon. its too much to do. im overwhelmed. no wonder people get mad at me. i have too many friends. so i think that im doing something with lee ann. i dont care what. we will prolly end up seeing terry play. and if she decides to visit brandon we cna. and i might even get nichole. but i dont think so. cause im with lee annt onight. and if we get bored we could stop at joshs but i dont want her thinking that robbie is more important than her. cause hes not. i dont have time for a b/f. for sur.e i dont even have time for my friends. and im not going to put up wtih ashlye being all nice and pretending shes not mad at me and then blowing up at me when i dont talk to her right away. last night on aol she asked me waht was up and not even one whole minute later. (the time shows on the messages) she responds with fine i'll go find someone more exciting to talk to and got offline.....and she always takes forever to even respond to me. soyeah. i think that im not goin to go out of wya to talk to her or out of my way to ignore her. as for laurel i'll talk to her when she talks to me...but i'll juts have to accept shes not the same person and we iwll nto be the same. ok anyway im going to go do my homework now.

i had to work this morning. my mom drove me ALL the way to the nursing home because of the snow. w/e. lets see today was fun/boring. cause it was the last day before break. so it was a complete blow off day. but it was like still boring. we got out earlier than 210. and we got to open our christmas cards. i got some kind of bubble gum thing. lol my christmas cards were great. i sent one to everyone in the school. so yeah..uhm..then me and laurel cruised after school. and then i wrapped presents. i got my dad a $25 gift certificate for caseys. and my mom a candle and a callendar. and danielle a walk to remember and...i forget. oh the wedding planner. and my brother. dumb and dumber and the fast and furious. and then heather got a lava lamp and a make up thing. and holly got a barbie and candy. and i have to get my friends presents tonight. me laurel joe and ashley are going to bloomington tonihgt. we are supposed to go to barnes and noble and applebees and the mall. but i really hope we spend more time at the mall than barnes and noble cause i have some serious shopping to do. hopefully joe doesnt feel funny. i dont think he will though. it should be fun. im hungry. yay supper time. i'll eat before applebees im too hungry. see ya

numb
i feel so relieved.
to have finally let go of you.
who would have thought after everything
that i would have nothing left
except a numb feeling.
it still feels like some things are left uncomplete
i wish we could do it for fun
lets do it just one last time
but never again.
one last time.
but never again.
cause i cant take you anymore
i think once i got together with you
i realized that with the lack of interest
that i really do deserve better
and i have to find better
but lets do it one last time
and never again.
so we can end on good turns.
dont think bad about me
i dont think bad about you.
i dont regret you
do you regret me?
do you ever think about me?
and what you missed out on?
what could have been?
i do.
but really i dont want you back.
i couldnt even face you
i just want to stop thinking about you
altogether.
im so glad we are done
i am as happy now that we are through
as when we first started.
and i can finally breathe
and let go
and realize i am doing everything right
and that i didnt do anything wrong.
except worry about you.
and i am free.
this was a lesson to be learned.
baby you have to let me know
so you can be free.
but you did a good job.
of waiting for me to be ready
so that the blow was soft
and i couldnt just let us dissolve
i had to know it wouldnt work
i had to have it officially over
because thats what i needed to hear all along
i needed to be given the chance
and then shown that it just wouldnt work.
and now that i was givne the chance
and see for myself that it doesnt work.
it doesnt bother me.
im just numb.
and although there is no one like you
i have faith that i will find another
that is nothing like you
and everything and more that i wnat them to be
and one day everything will be fine.
everything is fine.
one day.

well i hardly had time to write anything anymore. kinda funny how things work out now. i called ian to break up with him and he ended up breaking up with me. its funny how i didnt feel anything anymore. like i knew we were finally over so i didnt continue the feeligns i had for him. its almost like i never liked him. i dont regret it though. ok so then we ended up stalking alex knepp and brandon and we were joking around with brandon online when he was at terrys. terry and lee ann are prolly going to hook up. ian called lee ann. and me and laurel both made out with brandon. and kayla got mad. ashley is trying to dump robbie. a nd josh is trying to dump melissa. and laurel is trying to hook up with joe. and brandon and tony both like her. and lets see....uhm....i dunno. i dont regret brandon or ian. but i did see ian at the methodist and he kinda ignored me but i guess what do i expect. i dont want him to hate me like he ended up hating ashley or jackie. but eh im not like them. he prolly just thought i would go farther than i did with him. and seriously if i couldnt even ksis him that much..i kissed brandon more. but ian is better.
ok anyway. uhm...cant wait til christmas break. went to youth group last night. and worked tuesday night and monday i went to a basketball game. from now on im going to try and update my journal daily. and maybe write some more. i cant get over how fast i got over ian. i felt weird. its so werid. i mean you saw what i wrote like before this entry and how the feelinsg could just disappear. its so odd. i still think about him though. i think thats prolly natural. i dont hold anything against him but i wouldnt date him again. we arent on the same page. buti would make out with him cause he really is a good kisser.
ok i think im going to go write something before i ahve to go to work. dude tomorrow i s going to be a blow off day cause its friday and last day before christmas break! yeah! i hope i stay busy over break though. i have plans for friday and sat alreayd. im going to eat sunday. but ok i think i should just go now. i think brandon has been acting a little bit weird to me though. even though i havent really seen him. he made the first move. he did.
so...eh i dont care. it didnt mean anything. to either of us. we were joking around all night about making out.
and then he went downstairs and me and ashlye went down there and hes like ok rock paper scissors and i won. so i figured we werent actually going to but he made the move. so yeah of course i was going to. alright anyway leaving now.

no one like you.
when your hand found mine
i choked back my tears.
never has such a simple action
made me lose control so much.
it scares me to know how
bad you could hurt me.
i was hesitant because i was scared.
and now i have to see you again.
i dont know how to feed this hunger.
i've never been this happy.
you knew all the right things to do.
my body is aching to be next to yours again.
and if you leave me here alone.
i dont know what i would do.
i need you here with me.
i didnt want to leave you
anymore than you wanted met o elave.
your hand in mine.
feeling your heart
and your breath.
and i could feel you shaking
could you feel me?
i need to talk to you again but when?
there is no one like you.
the words i wanted to say
but couldnt. i had to be sure
and when you found my lips
and when your fingers grazed mine
and i couldnt let go.
there is no one like you.
im bleeding here all by myself.
i need you here with me again.
dont leave me.
what if i dont see you again?
you need me just as much as i need you.
desperately.

and lets see waht else...i remember him asking me out and me saying i dont know. cause of lee ann . and hes like why and i said lee ann and he said i dont like lee ann. i like you. and he also told me i was beautiful. and he blew in my ear. and this is the sweet too...he like dialed the phone and put it between our ears and he was calling lee ann but good thing she didnt answer cause i would have no clue what i would say to her. and he squeezed me. that got me. and then when i went back tues. he wal ike did you talk to lee ann and i wal ike yeah. hes like what did she say and im like she doesnt care. and then we decided to go watcha movie. while derek was moving his truck. so he went and washed his hands and then put his arm around me so i put my arm around him. and then he sat me in his lap and put his hands on my stomach. and hes like my hands are cold. and im like yeah. and then we layed down. and hesl ike your trapped and im like oh well. i didnt say that though. which reminds me on sat. he wouldnt let me go. i tried to get up once and he kept me back..even though that really was fine with me but the second time he let me. and he told me he didnt want me to leave. and sat. lets see its just all this stuff i remember. uhm...at one point hes like i ownt kiss you and well that soon passed. andt hen he took me home and kissed me. again. and then i went back wed. with lee ann and when we left he still kissed me. and then i saw him on teus in varna. that night wasnt too good. well it was fine for me and him but not me lee ann and him. yeah if that makes sense. he was in town all weekend but i didnt see him. and yesterday but i didnt see him. i hope i see him this weekend. otherwise what would be the point in going out if we arnet going to see each other. i wrote some lyrics im going to type up now. i love tthem. i should be a songwriter.

its been almost 3 months sinc ei have updated this. so what have i done since then. uhm...i've seen terrys band. laurel went out wtih greg only for him to break up with her and her to realize she still likes michael. uhm...corey aeschleman asked me out. matt ratliff liked laurel. uhm...me and matt ratliff are badminton partners. ok ian liked lee ann. but i had been spending more and more time with him. ok this is going to be hilarious how much i talk about him now. ok so i went to his house after youth group a couple of times wiht lee ann. and then one night we went to horizons and it was closed with ashley and we met ian and we were complaining to him and he told us to go to his house. so we did and tony pita was with him. and then the next day after church we went back. and then this one sat. i was taking danielle to k&a and i saw him and he pulled over and i talked to him and im like whats up and hes like what are you doing tonight and im like i dont know and hes like are you staying in town and im like yeah and hes like i'll find you. so then i was on my wya to pick lee ann up with laura and we found ian and chico and he told us to come to his house and screw lee ann. yes i felt bad but i knew she would understand and just had to do it. so we went there and just kinda chilled and then we decided to go driving around. i forget why. oh we ewre going to pick lee ann up so we all sat in ians truck the 4 of us. and chico was like in my lap and then somehow we got out and then got back in and i got in so i could sit next to ian. and he kept changing the channel and putting his arm on my leg but i thought nothing of it. and then he like had his arm on mine but i thought it was cuase we were so squished and he had no where to put it. and then tony went to pick laurels mom up a card at the iga. and me ian and laura waited in the parkin lto. and ian kept nudging me wiht his elbow like he always does so i did the same thing back. and we ewre like waiting forever and ian told laura to go get him so she did an di scooted over a little. not much though lol. and then logan and nick came and talked to him and i had my hand down by my side and then ian put his hand down by his side and our hands were touching. omg i sound gay but whos going to read this. so i figured he didnt even notice. and then he started nudging me with his hand and i nudged him back. and thne he like moved his hand to like change the heat and he put his hand right back. and i was like michelle do not like him. he likes lee ann and lee ann was trying to decide if she liked him or terry. and then he held my hand. and i felt like i wanted to cry. lmao. seriously i did. and then logan and nick left..and it was just us 2 of like 10 seconds i think. and then laura and tony came back and he let go of my hand and i had to scoot over and he had his leg right next to mine. and then we got back to ians and then well i cant rememeber whwen we were chasing lee ann around. but yeah he didnt like how dumbs he was being. cause she wasnt at her house when we got there. ok anywya. then we went back to ians to watch a movie. so tony is like this coach is reserved for laurel which i wasnt going to sit there anyway so laura went on the other coach and i sat by her and ian sat by me. and chico put the movie in and hit the lights and ian held my hand again. and then oh hyeah in the truck he was ticlkling me.


and then he like put his arm around me.


and then i put my head against his so he scooted over.

and he was just like messing with my hand and then his mom called him up so laura told me she wanted to go home so i took her to her car. and oh yeah he kissed my hand. and when i came back ian was laying on the coach so i just sat on the end. and then he pulled me down to him. his face was cute when he did that. and then he was like youre beautiful. he said that. and he kissed me. and he saked me out. andi said i dont know because of lee ann and he gave me his phone to call ehr but she never answered. and thers just so much to say. i didnt really let him ksis my lips. cause of lee ann. but.........
at one point i moved in this weird way and hes like now how am i supposed to kiss you. and
he kept squeezing me that was cute.
and uhm then the movie got over and tony and laurel left and ian told himt o put in another movie. so we had like 10 min. by ourselves and he laid on top of me. and just rested his head on mine. and kissed my forehead. and i'llt ell more later . i gotta go to thanksgiving.

wow the time goes by so quick its scary. it seems like i just wrote an entry in here 2 days ago. but apparentally not so update time. uhm we won our first volleyball game. it was against fieldcrest. and we lost against flanagan. but i think if mrs.zeman would have used some better judgement calls we could have won. for example..not let amanda or traci serve. and put amanda back in when april went to the front row.but whatever. sometimes it hink i would make a better coach. cause i do a lot of observing on other peoples skill. and i think erin should be playinga lot more than she does. although theres a lot of good players on our team. i just dont think we found a good combination. i think brittany should be playing more too. and...i think leigh anna is good. she should play and i think haley should play less her hits arent very hard. why not have amanda and leigh anna sub. cause amanda isnt too good at back row. ok ANYWAY. laurel rolled her ankle. it sucks for her. we play gridley next. and then midland. sooo....i dunno. anyway uhm ian kept nudging me with his elbow one day. and then he said hey in the hallway. oh YEAH. lmao. danielle and rachel schneider went on abike ride and they thought it was me and my cousin. lmao. i guess ian was yelling at them and they drove down my street. lol. they should have stopped. anyway....nick wa sin church. i actually feel less stupid now that i bitched him out. which doesnt make sense but i dont really care. uhm last night laura and laurel and mallory came over and we watched tuck everlasting i like that movie. i also saw catch me if you can. i hate sounding arrogant..but it may be possible...possibly...that nick was...showing off today. possibly. i mean i prolly misread that. in fact im sure i did. but...he did make a point to talk to me well not really. ugh. stupid guys. actually stupid me. ok anyway....wed. youth group was good it was me laura jackie lee ann and ashley. we went to mcdonalds too. so i ate supper at holly hodels and brittany bachman's. uhm.... can feel my soul it's bleeding says:
what were you doing last night
many men wish death upon me says:
whe we drove by your house?
i can feel my soul it's bleeding says:
yeah
many men wish death upon me says:
we thought those 2 lil girls were u an ur cuz lol

i just wanted to see what the last thingi had copy and pasted was. lol ok so thtas it.i think nichole is camping i didnt get to give her my note. max kept trying to play my flute. and i spit lemonade all over laura and salt. ok enough said. i wish i knew some good lyrics.

wow im slacking on this. its been forever since i've been typing. ok so lets try to get everything updated. last night i went to a metamora football game and i saw laura finney. and matt andersons dad and his sister it was so cute. and kt. and OUR GUYS. i saw norme aka harry potter (hott) joey nick aaron. i was like so excited that i recognized them. i was so excited. lol. ok and then we went to mcdonalds. and then me and laura cruised around town listening to hick music. ok im scared because i listen to it a lot now. and i like know a bunch of songs. ok anyway. then lets see volleyball is going extremely well i really do like mrs.zeman better than mrs.husek. mrs.husek always thought i sucked. she
always played maddie over me. adn mrs.zeman is playing me over amy maddie and laurel. i know weird. laurel really is better than me. maddie isnt. and amy...has potential. but laurel really is better than me. so we dont have enough uniforms i have to fucking share a uniform with laurel. like i dont even dress every game. oh well it's not like i would play anyway. but i hope that on the days i do dress that she'll feel sorry for me and play me. lol. i cant wait til next year. because i think i really am going to be good. and omg i can overhand serve. well not really. but sorta. ok and ian is online still. i think from now on i am not IMing him cause he doesnt talk back. and hes not one to do that. hes prolly not at the computer. he's prolly at his dad's house. but yeah anyway...alex fehr punched him. and he showed up at school in a cowboy hat for pictures. but we have to reschedule pictures on wed. cause we got out at 1. which i'm glad cause i looked like crap and i didnt want to wear that. i want to wear my white and black stripped shirt with my black pants. the only reason i didnt was cause i had already wore that this year. i just dont want to wear the same thing twice. lol. ok uhm.....lets see waht else.....oh im not going to get in with all the fights i've been in. oh yeah i saw dan simmons stomach. it was nice. lmao. uhm..........................i dont think i have much else to say. i keep calling nichole so i like actually tlak to her on the phone. ok my plan was to get offline after ian but that could be forever. he's prolly at his dad's and he prolly left it connected and is like....mowing or something. or sleeping is more like it. so i missed family night but i wasnt too bummed. well i think im going to go find some lyrics now. and plus laurels online.