Bob Joins the Presidential Race
Announces radical campaign platform
SAN DIEGO, CA (AP)-- Bob the Tribble threw
his hat in the presidential pool with a splash today, announcing his intention
to run in the 2004 presidential elections.
Speaking through a human interpreter at an outdoor press conference, Bob
proclaimed his love for the United States and his desire to make it better.
"Such wonderful restaurants and grocery chains we have, it's a shame really
that some of the other parts of the country aren't quite up to snuff.
"...I want to do my part to make this great nation the greatest it can
be. It's the least I can do to express my gratitude for the opportunities
I've been given over the years."
Asked what entrepreneurial success he was referring to, Bob replied, "Ontro-po-what?
You mean, like starting a business? I'm talking about all the pie-eating
contests I've entered in the past. Mmm-mmm, cherry pie!"
One would expect aliens such as tribbles to be barred from running by
the requirement that candidates for the presidency be natural-born citizens
of the United States. Bob, however, was born in Podunk, Kansas to a poor
corn farmer tribble who immigrated to the U.S. via California in the late
1960's. He also has had several courts rule that he is indeed old enough
in tribble years to be President. He will be running on the Caput Party
ticket. The Caput Party may be ever-so-microscopically better-known to the
public under its previous name, the Copout Party. The party changed names
on the 28th of March when its originator and only confirmed human member,
a shadowy, ill-known weirdo who goes by the pseudonym of "NAHTMMM", had
a "fit of inspiration" as to what his party "should really be called".
A running mate had not been announced at the time this story went to print.
Bob also took the opportunity to outline his campaign
platform. Much of it coincides with that of the Caput Party, but Bob made
it clear that he is his own man--er, own tribble--and that he has ideas of
his own.
"I promise a balanced budget every year of my term if I am elected," he
boldly proclaimed. "When the budget bill reaches me, I will go through page
by page, line by line, looking for porkbarrel legislation. Any pork I find
will be eaten by myself immediately, personally, and with extreme prejudice.
Mmmm, pork..."
If that take on the usual pledge of responsible spending seems rather
unusual, consider Bob's reaction to questions about Iraq. As might be expected
of a candidate who lacks the initials "G.W.B.", he criticized Bush's handling
of the situation. But there he and such luminaries as John Kerry diverged
sharply.
"If I am president, I'll see to it that we find the WMD's. We'll find
them if I have to go to Iraq personally, sniff them out, and devour them
one by one, if that's what it takes to protect the innocent citizens of
this country. Er, and the guilty ones too. Of course. Not that there's anything
wrong with that...." Here Bob seemed to become rather flustered. He was brought
up short by a chirp from another tribble who had been sitting quietly off
to the side on an overturned dog food bowl, holding aloft a red-white-and-blue
sign that read "Elect a fuzzball, not a slimeball!". Upon hearing the chirp
Bob seemed to fidget for a moment, then apologized for rambling before continuing
to speak.
Even the expected promise of an improved education system managed to
cause its share of raised eyebrows, as he hinted that special attention would
be paid to improving culinary curricula.
His statement that there would be a new national anthem, on the other
hand, caused several jaws to drop. Not so much that "The Star-Spangled Banner"
would be retired; there have been many others who have expressed dissatisfaction
with the difficult-to-sing tune. What took much of the audience by surprise
was his choice for a new anthem: "The new anthem," Bob said, "will be that
wonderful song, 'I'm Henry the Eighth I Am, Henry the Eighth I Am I Am'",
referring to the old song popularized in America by the Herman's Hermits band.
Bob seemed quite enthusiastic about this idea, declaring that "the children
will love it" before inviting everyone to join in on singing it. Most of
those present plucked up the necessary courage by the second verse, although
the press section, never known for its singing skills, was noticeably silent.
Upon being asked whether he thought that perhaps he had taken too long
to begin campaigning, Bob said, "No, not really. I prefer wine myself." When
the miscommunication was explained, he said, "Well, if I find I'm coming
up a few votes short, I can always roll out a few million offspring to even
things out."
Dated March 31, 2004.
