Jon's Page of Murphy's, Stupid, and Personal Quotes

Quotes by Murphy

Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant

Nice guys(girls) finish last.

Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.

Friendly fire ain't

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence

Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases

If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious

Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interpreted as managerial ability.

The integral of the gravitational potential taken around any loop trail you chose to hike always comes out positive

Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

The weight of your pack increases in direct proportion to the amount of food you consume from it. If you run out of food, the pack weight goes on increasing anyway

The local density of mosquitos is inversely proportional to your remaining repellent.

Speed bumps are of negligible effect when the vehicle exceeds triple the desired restraining speed.

If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges

Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

The more costly the object, the more likely it is to be accidentally broken

Stupid Quotes

"I invented the internet". - Al Gore, former U.S. Vice President

Here I sit, broken hearted
Came to shit, but only farted - Bathroom stall

"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." - Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." - Charles De Gaulle, former French President

"Most lies about blondes are false." - Cincinnati Times-Star, headline

"The world is more like it is now then it ever has before." - Dwight Eisenhower

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." - Everett Dirksen, Congressman

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." - George Gobel

"I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding." - Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." - Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

"Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding." - Mickey Rivers, baseball player

"Solutions are not the answer." - Richard Nixon, former U.S. President

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." - Terry Venables

Other Random Funny Quotes

These quote I don't know who said, but I like anyways...or quotes I use periodically.

Beauty fades, stupidity is forever.

Nobody is perfect, I am a nobody, therefore I am perfect.


Women take time and money (WOMEN = TIME X MONEY)

Time is Money (TIME = MONEY)

Women take money and money (WOMEN = MONEY X MONEY)

Women equal money squared (WOMEN = MONEY^2

Money is the route of all evil (MONEY = EVIL^1/2 (square root of evil))

Money squared is route of all evil squared (Money^2 = (EVIL^1/2)^2)

Money squared equals all evil (MONEY^2 = EVIL)

Women equals money squared equals evil (WOMEN = Money^2 = Evil)

Women are evil (WOMEN = EVIL)

Instead of getting married I will just find a girl I hate and give her a house.

Life is a gift, that is why they call it the present.

Procrastination is self-dillusion, you will have to dot he work eventually.

How many times do i have to tell you, I never repeat myself.

I always contradict myself, wait, no I don't.

There are three types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't.

Internet porn is the reason half the men who own computers bought them.

Oh my god, Becky, look at her butt, it is so big!

If it werent for rap, my dad would have nothing to complain about.

If you don't stop to smell the flowers, you will get to your destination much faster.

Life is like a box of chocolates, wait, scratch that, life is nothing like a box of chocolates.

Avoid cliches like the plague.

Any women who has worn low cut blouses or mini-skirts or revealing outfits of any type forfits her right to complain when men gawk at her. If you are trying to get guys' attention don't bitch when you get it.

Speed Limits are merely polite suggestions.

From Clue: (Wadsworth):We are like the mounties, we always get our man. (Green): Oh my god! Mrs. Peacock was a man!

Stupidity is often punishable by death.

If he (she) is here, then who is running hell.

From Two Towers: (Treebeard): That doesn't make sense to me, but then again, you are very small.

From South Park: Cartman: Mom, kitty's being a dildo!
Cartman's Mom: I know a certain kitty who'll be sleeping with mommy tonight.

From South Park: Cartman: I like playing with myself. In fact I could play with myself all day long!

Stand up for yourself! If you keep giving others an inch, pretty soon they will be the ruler.

From Allison: It's so big!

From Me: Damn it! I was swallowing!

Learn to laugh at yourself and you will never cease to be amused.

From The Thing...when a head grows spider legs and walks away: You have got to be fucking kidding me.

People need to be more descriptive when they describe stuff.

From When Harry met Sally: Harry: Men can not be friends with attractive women because they always want to sleep with them.
Sally: So you are saying men can only be friends with ugly women?
Harry: No, men pretty much want to sleep with them too.

Gravity; it's not just a good idea, it's the law!

I want to suceed in life, i just dont want to work hard in order to do it.

Those who say there are no easy answers just arent looking hard enough.

From Sarah: You know now that we both have been on the road to regret and made it through with new resolutions we can be more truly bonded by experience.

When life gives you lemons, make brownies.

Being chaste is no longer considered the necessarily virtuous behavior it was in the 50s.\

From Pirates: She is safe just like I promised, you are ready to die for her just like you promised, and she is going to marry the Commodore just like she promised. So we are all men of our word, except for the lady who is a woman.

Twas the night before exam week, and all through the dorms.
Not a student was studying, this was usually the norm.
Kegs in the kitchen, jello shots in the hall.
Thanks to the liquor, it was a late night for all.
Passed out all around, the kids all slept tight.
When they woke up the next day, they thought, "Man, whatta night!"
We are too hung over to study they shouted with cheer.
So forget the exams and bring on the beer!

was the night before exams and all through the dorm
Everyone was studying (and not looking at porn)
Their clothes for the next day draped over their chairs
Not necesarily clean (but who the fuck cares?)
Those ill-prepared were giving up the fight
Due to the fact it was starting to get light
The 11th hour slowly drew near...
"Let's get it over with so we can all go get beer!!!"

It's time to go home now, little anal-dwelling butt monkey. ~Bruce Almighty

Sex is like a box of chocolates you never know which STD you are going to get.

Sex is like spades if you dont have a good partner you better have a good hand.

"Semper In Excretio, Solum Profundum Variat"
(Always in the shit, only the depth varies)

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now

Its that time of year, christmas, its snowin' too, i need a snowbunny....

If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of 'progress'

Poli = many, tics = bloodsucking animals. Politics = ?

What was the big deal with stopping comunism, couldn't we just not elect a communist? - Me

Have you even had a dream that was so real you coul dnot tell you were dreaming? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How could you tell teh difference between the real world and the dream world? - Morpheus, the Matrix

"I am not a playa, I am only 5'2"" - Daboki

"Lets check the water on that one...what do you know, it's shallow" - Me

"I am a high school dropout" - Surgeon General

"I like STDs, they taste good" - My Brother

"I worked for a Fortune 500 company, handled million dollar checks, and have balanced my checkbook for the last 20 years." - Person who ran against me for treasurer of AED.

"Oh shit" - Me in response to previous statement.

"Jon, you need a freak...and I don't mean like a goth freak." - My brother

"You know what they say, April showers bring MAy flowers SKEET SKEET SKEET SKEET!!!!" - My brother

"I know you are not one to kiss and tell, but in this case it does not seem like there was much kissign involved." - Me

"Nala was hot, she had that seductive tail" - J.T.

"Canada isnt a country, it is just an extension of Montana that also speaks French" - My brother.

Do not mettle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.