My night in jail...

Thursday, May 8, 2003

(All people are real and all times are approximate, important parts are in BOLD)

4:30pm: 1933 I Sunchase roommates Weric (Weasel) and Dave are both finished with final exams.

7:00pm: Weric, Dave and myself decide to make a trip to the local Food Lion to prepare for a celebration of the end of a wonderful scholastic career.

7:30pm: We leave the Food Lion with 1 bottle of the Lion's finest Mum's champagne (approx. $11.99), 1 box of white zinfandel wine (approx. $12.99), and 1 package of Food Lion Honey BBQ Chicken Tenders (approx. awesome and about $4.00.)

7:45pm: Weric cooks up some of the 300 pounds of bratwurst he had stockpiled in the freezer while I prepare Honey BBQ chicken tenders.

8:00pm: After consulting with Thorns of 1948A Sunchase, we decide to make trip to the Sunchase pool to begin the celebration with bottle of Champagne.

8:01pm: Despite sign clearly stating that Sunchase pool is to close at 9pm, the clubhouse worker on duty denies Weric, Dave, Thorns and myself access to the pool area. The gate is locked, we are pissed and robbed of an hour of pool time fun.

8:05pm: Dave, Weric and I return to 1933I and proceed to drink the champagne in approximately 10 minutes. The box of wine sits in the refrigerator.

9:00pm: After deliberation and conversation, Thorns decides that the boys of 1948A will purchase a box of wine in order to organize a "box of wine race" between 1933I and 1948A.

10:00pm: Several people (competitors and spectators) arrive at 1933I for the race. Thorns places the box of wine in the refrigerator.

10:05pm: The race begins. Teams are Weric, Dave and myself vs. Beerman, Old Heller and Thorns. Goat and No Stude pass on the action.

10:15pm: 1933I gets out to an early lead, I think. Competition is paused briefly by the Beerman.

10:30pm: After competition resumes, things get exciting. The boxes of wine (approx. 40 servings/box) near empty.

10:31pm: Thorns pukes off the balcony. 1948A falls behind in race.

10:32pm: Thorns decides that he will finish the entire box of wine himself for his team.

10:33pm: Thorns edges out the men of 1933I in a photo finish.

10:34pm: Lots of yelling and drunkenness. Thorns actions declared cheating by 1933I...incredible, but cheating. Massive amounts of boxed wine kick in, things get blurry.

(Times very estimated from this point until morning)

11:45???: Somehow separated from everyone else, Thorns and I decide to climb over the fence into the pool area. Clubhouse guy comes out, yells, threatens to call the police, and apparently does so with his cell phone. I laugh at him, Thorns swears at him. "We want our hour back, fucker!" says Thorns. We walk away unaware of any trouble this may lead to.

11:50pm: We stop in front of 1948A to talk to two girls we know. Thorns continues to yell and taunt pool worker. 4 cop cars show up out of nowhere. The girls take off. "You talking to me?" says the cop. Next thing you know, Thorns is on the ground with the "arm thing" being applied by the cops. I apparently start yelling at the cops, telling them that we "didn't do shit." Cops ask me for some ID. I don't have any, so I say I'll go get some from my apartment. I start to walk away. Next thing I know, I'm face down in some mulch with the handcuffs being slapped on. We are escorted into the police car.

May 9, 2003

Midnight: As we sit in the back of the car, I continue to talk to the cop and tell him that he didn't even read us our rights, and all kinds of shit. Except, when he asks us questions, then we don't answer. Cops get pissed. Here is a possible exchange between me and a cop...

    ME: You didn't read us our rights, where's my god damn lawyer?

    COP: You think you got rights boy? What are you, a Poli-sci major?

    ME: You should know that, didn't you go to community college?

12:10am: We arrive at the police station. They take Thorns away somewhere. I continue to harrass the cops. They mention something about how it would not be a bad thing if I died. This does not make me stop talking shit, and demanding my phone call.  They also take everything away from us...cell phone, necklace, etc. (more on this later.)

12:30am: After 20 minutes, Thorns returns. They then take me to see a magistrate (whatever that is.) Cop tells his version of the story. During the middle of this, I yell "Objection" a couple of times, to no avail. I am found guilty apparently.  My version of the story is never heard, until now.

12:45am: Return to main room. Thorns and me are placed in the same cell. Of course, this is after I yelled "Don't place me in the same cell as that crazy son of a bitch!"  The reverse psychology worked I guess.

12:50am: Immediately upon entering the cell, we rip off our t-shirts and start getting rowdy. The cops are not pleased.  The cops enter the cell and attempt to take our t-shirts away.  I give mine up. Thorns refuses and tries to hold it away from the cops grasp.  The cop gets angry and applies the arm thing to Thorns (again!) Apparently, the arm thing is painful, as Thorns screams and cries "OWWWWW! OWWWW! That hurts!" Cops leave with our shirts. Jail cell discovered to be very cold, with only a steel bench and a toilet.

1:00am: Despite numerous warnings from the cops and myself, Thorns continues to yell that he will sue their asses. Cops threaten to move him to another cell. Cops follow through on threat, and Thorns is escorted to a smaller cell across the room.

1:15am: Me and Thorns begin attempts to communicate through large thick plated glass windows across the room. Jumping jacks and miming are main tactics used (mostly the mime rope trick as well as the mime climbing a ladder trick.) Cops become angered again. Miming continues.

2:00am: After miming for a while, Thorns disappears, apparently sleeping. I lay down on the cold steel bench to try to sleep off the drunkenness. I think I might have puked a couple times first. Roll of toilet paper is used as a pillow. I wake up several times and look over to see Thorns staring at the cops with a pissed off look on his face. We also attempt to continue our attempts to communicate. Sleep is relatively unsuccessful.

4:00am: Wake up to hear Thorns and cops in a heated dispute. Cops apparently threaten to mace Thorns, not sure of the whole story there. Around this time, a new drunk kid is brought in. He is wearing only boxers, and despite my protests is placed in my cell. Thorns starts cracking up from his cell.

4:30am: My new cellmate, who appears to possibly be mentally challenged, tells me of his plot to break out. Unaware of how jail works, he then bangs on the door for about half hour and tells the cops that the door is locked. Then he tells me that his plan is to get the cops by our cell. From there, I am supposed to knock them all out, while he runs out the door. I just laugh at him. He is not pleased.

5:00am: After banging on the door for another hour and rambling to me, the cellmate passes out. For a while, he appears to be dead. I get up and demand my phone call again. Surprisingly, the lady agrees, and lets me out for a minute. After some delay, I get my phone call, and realize there is no one I really want to call. I pretend to make a phone call nonetheless.

5:30am: I ask to be breathalyzed so I can leave. Nice lady cop agrees, and gives me the test. I read .075, right at the legal limit. She says I can't go until 8:00am though, after I eat my breakfast. She also gives us our shirts back. Feels much better.

6:30am:  Breakfast time. Cheerios, Milk, a peach, and a donut. This is the best breakfast I have eaten all semester. After breakfast, Thorns is given a breathalyzer. Unfortunately, Thorns registers a .14, well over the legal limit. Thorns gets sad and pissed off look on his face. I laugh at him.

8:30am: Cellmate still passed out, possibly dead. Lady lets me out. Thorns tells me to ask when he is getting out. "Oh, he'll be here for a while," she responds. Me and another guy are processed and released.

8:45am: Lady brings out bag with my possessions.  Bag contains 1 deflated little Incredible Hulk, 1 graduation gown hood, and 1 bling bling necklace. Thorns falls down laughing in his cell upon seeing the contents. I pick up my stuff and head out. Disoriented, I have no idea where the jail is located in relation to my apartment.

9:15am: After finding my way back to campus, I get a bus back to Sunchase carrying the Little Hulk and wearing the hood and the bling bling necklace.

12:45pm: Thorns calls and asks for a ride home. Our ordeal is finally complete. We walk away with a $74 fine and a great story.

***Warning: Story may not be 100% accurate as large amounts of cheap alcohol were involved. Updates may be forthcoming as well***

Contact me with questions or comments: Ch15r36iS@aol.com