Sunday
Mood:  a-ok
well, i am trying to write in this thing every day, even though no one is reading it and no one is making any comments to me, to help me and give me an opinion, i think in a way this is kinda theraputic for me. It is giveing me the chance to completely let go, and get all my feelings out and all my anger. they say that sometimes when you say something out loud that it helps make it better, just to be able to get it off your chest. i do not think that it is actually helping my problems, i just kinda feel satisfied like i am telling someone else my problems, sometimes you just need somone to listen. Anyways, so last night my boyfriend decided not to go out with his friends, and spent the night with just me, we actually didnt do much of anything, but it was a pretty goood night! It was really bad out last night all the roads were extreemly icy, and my car was sliding everywhere, so i told him that i really didnt want to be out in that, so we just went to a few stores and looked around, and then went home and watched a movie on tv, and just chilled out. We relaxed together, and talked a little and it felt pretty good. Sometimes i feel like the only time that i feel calm is when its just me and him locked away somewhere. So, who knows, i just hada decent night to add to my bad nights.. lol.. i hope that someone reads my stuff soon, and can give me some comments, but until then, its just me and my computer!!!

Another Day
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Just Today
So, another day in my boring life. Its Saturday night and i am waiting on my boyfriend to get here... fun fun! Anyways, so there have been a few new changes that have occurred since the last time i wrote... we had a huge fight yesterday because he got tonight off, and that never happens, he works at a restaurant as a second job at night, so he never gets a weekend night off, and he actually did. So being his girlfriend who is patient, i figured that he would want to go out and spend some time with me, ya know since the only time that i get to see him is when he gets off work at 11 at night and then we go to be, and then we both have to get up early every day and go out separate ways. So i was excited yesterday when i remembered that he had Saturday night off, but then he mad a comment that he wanted to go out and drink. Well, i will not be 21 for another few weeks, so i knew when he said that, that his plans did not include me. So, i was kinda pissed and i started asking questions, and i asked who he was planning of going out with, and he told me his friend Chris who is a total bar slut, and goes from bar to bar every night and picks up random girls and sleeps with then and then never calls them again. He is a very attractive guy thats how he pulls it off, but like i want my boyfriend around that! I doubt it! Yeah right, so i was not trying to make him mad or threaten him, but i just told him to go do what he wants. That if he wants that kinda of a single life, then go get it i don't want to hold him back! And he blew up at me and told me that i was so stupid i would leave him because he wanted to go out with his friends, and i know what you are thinking. But let me just say this, i am only 20, almost 21 in a few weeks, i am almost done with school, in less than a month, and i am trying my hardest to work and save money so that i can have nice things and a good life. I have partied so much in my life, i went down that road already, i drank every night for about a year and went to the clubs and did my thing every night! I have been there, and then i woke up on morning, and i realized that i had done nothing with my life in the past year except party and drink, and sleep with random guys, and i realized that i was better than that and that i wanted more for myself. So, i went after my goals and i have done pretty well for myself. I want to finish school, and get a good job, save money and find the right person who also shares my goals and dreams, and start a life and a family together. Now i know that sounds like a story book, but that i what i have set my goals at and that is what i am working for and my parents are behind me and encouraging me, and i know that i can accomplish that. Now my boyfriend however, works two jobs and makes decent money, but he has to spend all day everyday at two jobs to make that kind of money. He always talks about going to school, and doing this and that with his life, but talk is cheap. not saying that i will only be with someone who goes to school, but i want him to have a good life too, and not have to work 2 jobs to make it! Anyways, he has that life and then sometimes the other old side comes out! And he wants to hang out at the bars and drink all the time and that is not going to get him or us where we claim that we want to be! So, i have nothing against drinking, don't get me wrong, i can appreciate a good night every now and then, and a beer here and there, but i just let it get in my way once and i refuse to let that happen again! So, heres my problem, that is not who my boyfriend is, he is not lush or drunk, he usually is a job oriented person, who is really good at getting his bills paid first, and he usually is the right guy for me, the stay home with me family guy, but it comes in spirts that he wants to drink and go out a lot, and last time he went out he started talking to that Amanda girl, so.. i just don't really have a lot of trust for him anymore, so until he earns that back, and can prove to me than when he goes out with these bar slut friends that he has, that he is not going to pick up any girls numbers and call them behind my back, and act like a single guy, but then have me whenever he wants me and treat me like a princess when around, but then behind my back he just calls other girls, not down with that.. just sooooo confused and i feel like none has the answers!!!!!!

Continued...
Mood:  chatty
Topic: The backround
so i figured while i am at it on here today, I'm making good grounds, i will just give you all the history of me and my boyfriend, so that you have the full story so that you reply to me and leave me a message with the whole view. Trust me your opinions are needed! So, when we first got together, we were like kinda friends with benefits. We both had out reasons for being with each other, my reasons were mostly that i didn't want to be alone and that it kinda pissed my X off a lot when he found out that i was with someone else... anyways his reasons were I'm assuming the same as mine and maybe cause his baby's mom got really jealous. So the first week that we were together, he slept with his baby's mom. i know what a way to start it all of right? lol. but its the truth, no keep in mind, i have known this guy since like 6th grade, we were not fiends, but we knew each other. He had a crush on my, but i didn't give him the time of day! Anyways, so i kinda was hurt but he was just another guy to me at the time, so i was like.. well he slept with her, but they had just broken up and he needed to get that out of his system, and technically we were just friends with benefits. SO, then when we were officially together this girl named Amanda kept calling him all the time i kept telling myself that something was going on because he would never answer the phone when he was with me and she would call. Well after many, many nights of fighting about her and why she called and why he couldn't answer the phone with me there, i got curious. Well some would call it physco, i got her phone number out of his phone one night while he was sleeping and i saved it in my phone. Well, i kept if for like 3 weeks, and i never could get enough nerve to call her because i didn't want him to get mad at me and blah blah. So one night, i had had it, she had called like 10 times in a row, and i told him to answer it. I said if she is just your friend like you say that she is, why cant you talk to her in fount of me? Am i wrong for being like that? I don't feel like i am? Anyways, so i told him that if he didn't answer the phone i was taking him home and i was leaving. Well, he would not call her, so i took him home, and i called the bitch! She told me that my boyfriend had told her that he was single, (by the way this is a girl that he has dated before) and that he loved her and missed her, and she is the one that he wants to be with. And he will do anything to prove to her that he is really serious this time. So, so make a long story really short, it took me leaving him and breaking up with him to make him realize that he loved me and that i was the one that he really wanted, and blah blah. Well since then, things have been stronger between us, his phone is not a secret, he always answers it, and he lets me call numbers that i don't know, and all that physco stuff us girls do. But, it broke a lot of trust. And honestly, i forgave him for it, because he never actually hung out with her, (she even told me that) but it still really hurts me i was being faithful the whole time, even thought i had opportunities to cheat.. i was faithful.. SOOOO, that is why this physco girl has the right to not trust my boyfriend!

November 30th, 2005
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Where's My Angel
Well, hey everyone out there! This is my new web site, and the point of all of this is basically, just so i can share my life and my feelings out there with other people and maybe get some opinions, and deferent feelings on issues i just cannot Handel all on my own. To brief everyone up, i am a 20 year old female, in college, almost done, studying in the medical field. And my life is complicated and trying every single day! not that i have it any worse than anyone out there i just feel like sharing. Actually, the family situation is great i have parents that love me and love my dreams and goals, and are very supportive to most of the decisions that i make. I have a big family with a lot of love, and never with a dull moment. I have been dating this guy for going on 7 months and things are just different with him! He is defferent than any guy that i have ever dated. All my life i have dated the guys that just fall head over heels in love with me, and become obsessive and possessive, and jealous and i cannot even breath. But that is all that i have ever known. Guys that chase me and do anything that i tell them to do. Well, not this guy... he tests me and try's me equally. We do not have a jealous relationship to an extent, but all the things that i used to hate about my boyfriends, he's not. He is the guy who is layed back, and is not jealous and lets me go out with my friends, and you know that did to me? It made me jealous! It like reversed the roles on me, and i have never felt like this about someone before. He makes me wake up and greet the day with a big question and never know what is going to happen. All my life i have been a planner. Not anymore, we never know what is going to happen. I think that maybe is the challenge that i love so much... don't get me wrong.. i still give him a run for his money, and he wants to rip his hair out a lot, and he tells me that i am the most complicated girl that he has ever dealt with in his whole life! Ha ha, yeah right.. i am not that complicated... but sometimes, i feel like we both like the challenges that we give each other and what if we stop, would there be anything left? And is that normal? Should we have to work to have a relationship? I would really like some opinions on this... There are a lot of things that have made me jealous and i am very justified for my feelings, and he just thinks that i need to move on.. but that is another day, and another story that i would love to share then... But just let me know about some of your relationships, and am i the only one out there who is leading a relationship that is complicated like this.. should i just give up and go on?