"One dark and stormy night it was.....

….we never really know our neighbors, now do we? What really goes on behind the closed door.." Dale Jarrett quietly chuckled as Alan Bestwick leaned close. A faint, knowing smile played about the veteran driver's lips as his host sat across from him practically drooling.

"…so what you're saying is there's this whole underground lifestyle that NASCAR doesn't know about? Something of a `swinger's paradise'?" Perpetually unflappable and unfailingly dapper, Bestwick tried not to pry too deeply into this underground world-no need for naming names; all names to be changed in order to protect the guilty, so the old saying goes. But yes, he was none the less curious….

"Well…if you must pry…" Dale began, clearing his throat and absently running his hand through his shock of grey hair.

Bestwick smiled, "But I must! I must!"

"Remember-sometimes the more you know in the end, the more you wish you didn't!" So the man who the world wanted to drive the Big Brown Truck began a behind the scenes story of the ages…..

********************'

Talladega

Along the narrow road, miles away from the sanctuary of the speedway. a small rental car cautiously made it's way through the murk. It was a perfect Halloween night; something palatable and ominous hung in the air, thick as the storm they were driving into. Jamie squinted as he peered through the streaky windshield looking for some sort of sign, mentally reviewing the directions to the crumbling plantation manor house and the annual Halloween throw- down. Beside him, Kasey's wide, stricken eyes and drawn face bore witness to his nervousness, partially due to the raging storm and Jamie's haphazard driving.

A bolt of chain lightening suddenly ripped through the heavens and dissected a live oak at the crossroads ahead of them. The tiny Mitsubishi shook from the reverberating thunder. Jamie eased the car over as he regained his composure and tried to get his bearings.

"Goddamn this rain!" sputtered Jamie. Rain sluiced down in an icy sheet, driven side-ways by a vicious wind. In their never-ending quest to muck up the racing schedule, the NASCAR demi-gods in their infinite wisdom had moved the fall race to Halloween weekend and now the late Alabama autumn rain put an end to the festivities for at least the qualifying portion of the day.

"Oh hey…there's the driveway-and that must be the house lights beyond…" murmured Jamie. Grinning, he turned to Kasey, "Well, they only allow newbies every five years to this shindig, so we mustn't keep our hosts waiting!"

"You sure we can't just say `thanks, but no thanks?'"

Frowning slightly, Jamie shook his head, "No way-this is a big deal. They don't let everybody in, y'know. C'mon…it'll be a blast!"

"The RSVP said it was a masquerade ball-we didn't bring costumes."

"Yeah…and if you read the fine print, it said `optional dress' and attire would be provided. Stop whining!" With that, Jamie pulled the car up the drive, parked it next to some others and started up the front porch.

Kasey pouted, "Y'know…the last place I really want to be is hanging out with Waltrip-that guy give's me the creeps!" Kasey muttered, pulling his windbreaker up around his ears to ward off the tempest. He was almost at a trot, trying to keep pace with Jamie.

"Why's that? Mikey's a good guy-a little odd from time to time. He'd give the shirt off his back for ya." Jamie shot back.

"Every time I'm around him, he's always coming on to me! Ugh! Last time I did `Trackside', he was practically flaming on me!" Kasey pouted.

"Just your imagination. He was only horsin' around with ya." Jamie grinned, "But you don't help any-look atcha! You've got this baby- face....you're too damned pretty for your own good!"

Kasey scowled and decided to change the subject. "So what's this Halloween party?"

"I dunno…they've done it every year since King Richard was on training wheels. I've usually got an appearance or some shit going on, so this is my first time. Junior said it's about time I made an appearance-…." Jamie paused for a moment, brows furrowing as the two stopped in front of the ornate door. "Junior said something kinda weird though-he said, `this is gonna be special! Two virgins to sacrifice!" he chuckled, "I swear, both of `em are nuts! Mikey and Junior….leave it to those two to come up with some goofy shit…"

Kasey opened his mouth, "Ok-that's it! I'm outta here! I'm not going to pa rtake in some sick fantasy shit!"

Just at that moment of impending departure, the front door swung open and Junior leaned languidly against it. He wore a strange, hungry expression on his face and a ratty butler's tuxedo. His penetrating blue-ice gaze bore into his guests as he licked his lips and casually took a sip from his beer."You're wet." He said flatly.

"Uhm…yeah…and getting wetter." Jamie cleared his throat. "Quck fuckin' around and let us in, asshole!" Junior smiled thinly as he studied Jamie and Kasey as a cat would a mouse.

"Ah yes….the Master will be expecting you." With that, Junior turned abruptly and left Jamie and Kasey exchanging puzzled looks. "Won't you please join us? But remember-no one leaves until dawn……it's not too late you know." Again he turned and smiled wickedly.

A chill ran down Kasey's spine as he felt already he was quite in over his head. Like a child, he pulled on Jamie's arm.

Jamie shook him off, "C'mon…it's Halloween and they're just fucking with us." They walked through the door and greeted a few of their comrades lounging about in the front room. It simply looked like any other drinking get-together.

"You're right…don't know what got into me." Kasey shrugged, "They're fuckin' with us."

To his right, Tony Stewart grinned evilly, "Not yet…but soon…be patient!"

Small talk and more drink. Race talk and yet more drink. Kasey leaned against a door that no doubt led into the master bedroom. He had started to loosen up a bit as the Budweiser flowed. Junior graciously provided a fresh beer as soon as an empty bottle was set aside.

Jeff Gordon made his appearance, dressed outrageously in a French maid's uniform. A halo of frizzy red wig swirled about his face as he grinned wolfishly as he grabbed Jamie's crotch.

"Jaaaaammmie! I'm soooo happy you decided to join us!" Jamie squeaked in reply as Gordon's talon-like grip increased just a little bit more. Kasey's eyes bulged. What the fuck?! He mouthed at his stunned companion.

Jeff leaned close, conspiracy dancing in his eyes, "You're just in time to see the floor show!"

"Yes! The floor show! You gotta see the floor show!" Both newcomers jumped at the newest apparition to appear. Dressed in a mini-skirt, fishnet stockings and tux jacket with swallow tails, it was almost impossible to figure out who or what stood next to Jeff. Bright blue eyes glittered beneath a ridiculous top hat and mile-wide smile. "OH..you two must be the VIRGINS!" he/it howled with a maniacal laugh. Howls of approval echoed throughout the coach.

"Herman??" Jamie asked incredulously. Herman as in Kenny "Herman" Wallace; brother of the fierce champion Rusty Wallace-now a saucy drag queen!

Grinning broadly, Herman poked Jamie in the ribs, "Call me Columbia tonight!" he cackled.

"I think we oughtta call the nuthouse and cut you off on those damned Stinger cocktails!" growled Stewart who draped his arms around Herman and buried his face in his neck. The stocky Home Depot driver was decked out in the garb of a 50's greaser-tight jeans, black leather jacket and hair pomaded into an Elvis-like pompadore.

"Eddie!!!" swooned Herman as he threw his arms around Stewart, kissing him full and hard on the lips.

Kasey backed nervously away from the scene, shaking his head. "Oh man…I gotta get outta here!...NOW!" So caught up in his own panic, he failed to hear the bedroom door open behind him.

"Now sweetie…don't get your panties in a wad!" Kasey turned and uttered a screech as he came face to chest with the owner of that familiar, slightly lispy drawl. Instead of the familiar Napa blue fire suit, what greeted dear Kasey was decked out a black leather chaps and a thong. He ominously tapped a riding crop against Junior's rump as he passed by. "You can't go now, darling…the party's just begun!"

Kasey stood transfixed beside the equally startled Jamie, both were mentally trying to decipher this surreal world in which they had arrived in. Mikey stood eyeing them with an expression that could best be described as a wolf eyeing it's prey …or perhaps a new bitch to hump. At once repulsed and enticed, the young rookie's gaze absorbed the tall, muscular veteran.

"Mmmmm…Kasey…so very, very happy to see you…" Michael purred. "I do hope you're up to a little fun and games…we've got something special planned for tonight, don't we?" A chorus of primal grunts answered back. "But first! You're both wearing too many clothes! We need to get rid of them-RiffRaff! Magenta! Disrobe them!"

"Ok Michael. That's enough!" Jamie walked towards Michael. Jeff and Junior imposed themselves between the two. Jeff immediately went to work undressing a stunned Kasey while Junior roughly pulled Jamie's shirt over his head. Before long, both men stood shivering in their underwear. Michael raked his eyes over both of them and nodded appreciatively, "Very nice!" He lingered on Jamie's tight abs and broad chest; Kasey appeared almost willowy in comparison.

"What a lovely Brad `n' Janet they'd make…" he murmured. "Jeffy?"

"Yesssssss…lovely!" Jeff hissed, teeth bared.

BONG! BONG! BONG!

"What the hell was that?!" Jamie shrieked, his nerves finally frayed to the breaking point. This evening wasn't going anywhere he expected. It altogether had the feel of some dreadful fraternity initiation ceremony.

Junior solemnly glanced at the ancient clock in the hall, which had just struck the hour of 7.

"It's time, Master." he announced, as formal as an undertaker.

Suddenly the others in the room rose as one and stood in a circle around Jamie and Kasey. From hidden speakers, distorted music suddenly began to blast a rapid bass line.

Junior/Riffraff: It's astounding,
Time is fleeting
Madness takes it's toll
But listen closely….
Jeff/Magenta:
Not for very much longer…….

Junior:
I've got to keep control……I remember doing the time-warp!
Drinking those moments when…
The blackness would hit me and the void would be calling

The Drivers:
Let's do the time-warp again!
Let's do the time-warp again!

Meanwhile back in the Speed studio….

Dale Jarrett was explaining to Bestwick….

"Ya see…it was a jump to the left.." The tall UPS driver awkwardly hopped to the left. "And then a jump to the right." Another unsteady hop. "Now, put your hands on your hips…that's it…and bring your knees in tight!" Bestwick did his best to follow along. Jarrett continued, "And the pelvic thrust—" A very audible crack as he performed this movement with the grace of a bull moose. "OH GODDAMMIT! OHHH-OHHHHH! SHIT!"

"CUT!" yelled the producer offstage……fade to a commercial break. Cue the Napa commercial….Mikey and Junior necking in the back seat…

Jeff: (as he seductively wrapped his wiry frame around Junior, sticking his tongue in his ear.)
It's so dreamy, o fantasy free me! So you can't see me…no, not at all.
In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention…
Well secluded…I see all!

Junior:
With a bit of a mind flip

Jeff:
You're into the time slip

Junior:
And nothing can ever be the same

Jeff:
You're spaced on sensation

Junior:
Like you're under sedation

All:
Let's do the time warp again….LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

As the song ended, all the players slumped together in an erotic pile on the floor. Kasey soon found himself in Mikey's arms. Struggling, he pulled away, ignoring the wounded pout on Michael's face. "Dammit! Get off me!"

"Oh pleeeease….? Can't I have just one little, teensy-weensy bite?...Hmmmmm?"

"NO!"

Kasey scrambled backward on the floor as Michael tackled him, playfully straddling him. Now nose to nose with Kasey, Michael whispered low, gently licking his ear, "I'd love to play with you but first we must have dinner!"

Kasey gulped, "Am I the main course?" he laughed nervously; trying in vain to avert his eyes from staring at Michael's bulging crotch.

"Such tension!" Michael turned and winked to the others who stood over the two. "I see you shiver with anticipation…. But maybe the rain Is really to blame!" He lightly kissed Kasey's trembling lips, "I'll remove the cause……..but not the symptom!"

The rest of the gathered drivers broke into spontaneous applause. Kasey watched Michael rise and depart with his `servents', sweating profusely and much to his dismay, completely aroused!

Jeff rang the dinner bell and shrieked in a mock-Teutonic accent, "Dinner is served!"

"Come up to the lab and see what's on the slab!" Jamie chuckled, drawing approving glances from his cohorts.

"You're catching on." Whispered Schrader, who was dressed to the nines in a Marilyn Monroe halter dress and platinum wig. As bizarre as this evening turned out, it didn't phase Jamie or Kasey in the least. In the corner, Brian France sat in an oversized high-chair in diapers. The brothers Labonte were in a corner paddling Todd Bodine with flyswatters. No, it couldn't possibly, possibly get any more bizarre!

"It's beyond me….
Help me mommy!"

"You're not playing by the rules" Growled Junior, as he nudged Mikey in the ribs on their way to the laboratory. "You know Rocky's birthday scene comes before the dinner!"

A wicked grin spreads across Michael's face as he turned to Junior; eyes glittering with lust, "Mmmm…I know but he's just so damned yummy…"

"Behave yourself..yer m'bitch.."

Michael snorted, "Hmmph! Last time I checked, my name's Michael-not Martin!"

"Ugh! ..It always comes back to this!" Junior halted, arms folded. "You're so jealous it's beyond funny, Waltrip! Why can't you give it a break, huh??"

Michael turned from him, somewhat miffed at the merest suggestion that he could possibly be jealous of Junior's protégé. "REALLY! Jealous of what? He might be a racecar driver when he grows up…but he can't drive you like I do."

Junior glared furiously as Michael strutted ahead of him. And damn him-the big sumbitch was right……

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Moments later, the party found itself in what appeared to be a cross between a sauna and a medieval dungeon. The room was located down a series of clammy, steep stone steps-amid the complementary cobwebs and spiders, of course. In the center of the room, was a gurney, complete with a shrouded, apparently lifeless form lying prostrate.

"Shit…please tell me that's not a body…" groaned Jamie, "C'mon guys… this is getting' sick…."

"Tsk..tsk…." Junior smirked, "Such a drama queen…"

"Ah…" chuckled Michael, enjoying his guests' unease, "It's good to be the queen…!" He turned and stood before the assembled group. "Well! Tonight is a special night indeed!" He promptly backed up to inert form on the table and situated himself on the corpse's lap.

Jeff snickered, "Ohhh…is he stiff?"

"A stiff from a stiff!" Kenny chortled.

Michael grinned evilly at Jeff, "Ooooh…would Jeffy like a stiffy?" (*A/N-this could quite possibly be fanfic's WORST line of 2004…sorry folks…)

"Seriously folks…I've been working on a man…"

Hoots of approval from the others, all moving towards Michael and the gurney.

"So what else is new?? You're always workin' on a man!" yelled Stewart.

"…with brown hair and a tan…mmmmm! Ladies and Germs-meet Rocky! And tonight is his birthday!" With a flourish, Michael leapt off the gurney and removed the shroud. On the table, naked as the day he was born except for a very thin, gold lame thong, Robby Gordon sat bolt upright and howled. Outside, a brilliant bolt of lightning illuminated the room followed by an ear-splitting crack of thunder.

"GOOD MORNING, VIET NAM!" he shouted as he bounded off the table. "Happy Birthday to me!" he giggled as Michael wrapped his arms around him; planting a passionate kiss on his lips.

"Happy birthday, dahlink. I vant you to meet our guests! They've come to play with us tonight!"

"I think I'm going to be sick…" moaned Kasey, altogether not feeling well at all. He looked even more pale and rather frail than usual. He looked to Jamie for some reassurance bur Jamie was already trading barbs with Kenny and Stewart.

"Hmmmm..perhaps you'd like to freshen up, m'dear…or perhaps lie down?" Kasey looked up to find Michael's long arms around him. He ignored the muffled snickers from the peanut gallery as he shook his head. Robby stood behind Michael, eyebrow arched and a jilted look upon his puss.

"Yeah…that's it…maybe I'm coming down with something…" muttered Kasey. "Sorry Mikey…"

"You heard the man, show him his room!" Junior roughly shoved Jeff towards Kasey and Jamie. "Make them comfy!"

"Perhaps you'd like me to swab your throat…" Michael ventured amid more snickers. "Or maybe we should take your temperature…!"

"Din-din's at 10…don't be late…" growled Junior. "Whine asses…" he muttered once Kasey and Jamie were escorted to their rooms.

"Oh Master!" Robby called, desperately trying to get Michael's attention, "Time for my protein injection!"

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

"Jamie-I can't take this anymore! I'm not cut out for this scene!" Kasey wailed, "I just want to go back to the track and forget this ever happened!"

"Kase-it's all in fun! Just relax and go with it….." Jamie looked at his companion and narrowed his eyes, "You have no idea what this is all about, do you…."

"Uhm…what do you mean…? This is just a Halloween party, right?"

Jamie shook his head, "Uhm…no..not exactly. You mean to tell me you had no idea about The Transylvanian Underground?"

"The Transylvanian WHAT!??"

"hoboy…." Signed Jamie, "I don't know how to tell you this but the Underground is a swinger's club for the drivers, bluntly putting it. It's all about a few laughs and a lotta sex."

Downstairs, the party rages on…….

Kasey sat musing; rather sadly musing for that matter. The shadows cast by the antiquated gas light fixtures danced in time to the muted music from below. In a adjacent room, the faint sounds of refusal then sweet surrender lastly building to a rather noisy climax. While the identity of the lovers remained a mystery to Kasey, it didn't matter. He longed, ached to partake but his inhibitions held him at bay.

"I was feeling done in….couldn't win
I've only ever been kissed before…" he whispered, in rhyme to himself…or so he thought…

In front of the monitor, Jeff and Kenny were now joined by Jamie. Kenny sat perched and grinning insanely on a convenient bed while Jeff absently fingered himself beside a half-dressed Jamie.

"You mean he-" whispered an increasingly excited Jeff.

"Uh huh…" murmured Jamie, intensely watching Kasey; oblivious as Jeff began to fondle him.

"I thought there's no use getting.. into heavy petting.
It only leads to trouble and seat wetting!"

Kasey sighed as he slipped out of his underwear and decided to lie down for a while as he wrestled with his suddenly out-of-control emotions. Think of something unsexy! He thought. Hmmm….Jimmy Spencer in a teddy…Benny Parsons in a tutu….Kurt Busch. Period.

Ohhh…but now the picture of Kurt slowly morphed in Kasey's mind to Tony Stewart; in a black leather harness, on his knees before him. "I'm your bitch now, Kase…" The mock image whispered almost mockingly. The unsexy images began to give way to a steady stream of non-stop fantasies: Stewart, slowly licking and suckling his toes, working his way to his groin. Robby pressing against him from behind, slowly rubbing his slick member between Kasey's slender buttocks….

"Stop it!! Stop it!!" Kasey sat up in bed, resting his head on his knees and wrapping his arms around himself as if he were trying to retreat into some sort of cocoon. This is sick! This was beyond wrong and against everything he had been taught. Yet-

Suddenly, he felt a presence behind him and soft, full lips on the back of his neck.

"Shhhh sssheee…don't torture yourself anymore." Came the whisper in the darkness. "Just relax…" Large, strong hands slowly worked his shoulders and traveled slowly down his back. The lips weren't too far behind. Kasey squeezed his eyes tight, trying desperately to not to enjoy this yet his body betrayed him.

Slowly he turned around to face the entity behind him and cracked an eye open. Startled, he was greeted with those delicious lips crushing his.

"MICHAEL!" he exclaimed.

"Hmmm hmmm…." Came a low, devious chuckle. In the darkness, Kasey could see Michael's eyes glittering lustily in the darkness and those lips curled in a wolfish smile. "Nuts isn't it?"

"You shouldn't be doing this-WE shouldn't be doing this! Where's Jamie-what have you done to him??"

Michael sat back, somewhat perplexed. "Uhm…nothing. Do you think I should?" Again, he leaned into Kasey, lips brushing lightly against Kasey's skin.

Kasey's reserve was slowly evaporating. "Y-you guys tricked me. I didn't know what I was getting into…you guys are crazy-sick even….this isn't right…" He stifled a groan as Michael licked his ear and began to tenderly nip his neck down to his shoulders. His bare, creamy white shoulders….grrrrrrr….!

"I know..but it ain't all bad, is it?" Michael slowly licked his lips, never breaking Kasey's gaze. "In fact…I think you found it quite pleasurable…" One large hand found it's way to Kasey's now- engorged organ and slowly began stroking him. "Give into your desires, baby.." he whispered, his voice low and husky. He gently pushed Kasey back on the bed and covered his slight body with his own lanky form.

Kasey gasped as he felt the warm, wet mouth cover him, driving him crazy. He tangled his fingers tightly in Michael's thick mane. "You won't tell…anyone…will you, M-Mikey?"

"Mmmm…..huh?" Michael paused from the task at hand to briefly look at Kasey, "No…no one is gonna know…it's like Vegas, baby! What happens here-stays here…m'ok?" Once again, he dived between Kasey's trembling legs, taking him further than the boy had ever gone before.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@

"Oh..that's nice…very, very nice…" Jeff panted, writhing on Jamie's lap; all the while watching the monitor. Jamie was already seeing stars, all interest in the on-screen image of Kasey being impaled obliterated as he came loudly and sinking his teeth into Jeff's shoulder. "oooooooo! Heavens, schmeavens!" he giggled as he cast a glance at Kenny, now passed out in an orgasmic stupor.

"Mmmm…I do believe we made a mess!" Jeff wagged his finger at Jamie as he dismounted and trotted to the loo to retrieve a towel. Jamie slumped over backward on the bed next to Kenny and stared at the ceiling. "Wow." Was the extent of his vocabulary at the moment. Neither of the room's occupants heard the door crash open as an angry and obviously pissed Robby glowered in the doorway.

"Well isn't this just peachy?!" he snapped. "It's MY birthday and I AM the guest of honor! I was supposed to get laid first! Nobody gets to cum before Rocky!"

"Oh chill" grunted Jeff, returning from the bathroom. "Michael had to get his ya-ya's out…otherwise we wouldn't be able to stand him."

On the monitor, Michael lay back on the bed, playing with Kasey's hair while Kasey casually smoked a cigarette.

"I didn't know he smoked…" mused Jamie.

"I didn't know he could swallow something roughly the size of a Genoa Salami either!" snickered Jeff.

"Oh bother…now who's gonna do me?" whined Robby.

A little while later…….give or take an hour or two…..

"Awwww…c'mon now, baby…don't be mad." Michael purred as he strolled leisurely into the grand dining hall. He paused briefly to tousle Robby's hair while Robby glowered and pouted. The table was set with shimmering candles and piled high with a pirate's bounty of food. All of the guests lounged about the table in various states of dress or barely dressed at all. Kasey sat quietly, blushing furiously beside Jamie. He kept his eyes downcast-not from shame but from the knowledge that he could seduce any man in the room. And this, boys and girls, he liked very, very much! Not only had Michael had his way with him, Kasey had turned the tables on his gracious host and gleefully taken him as well!

He became aware of not only Robby staring fixedly at him but Junior as well. He looked sheepishly up at the famous Earnhardt glare. He smiled rather smugly at that thin, ferret-like visage and long aquiline nose.

"Are we having fun tonight?" Junior hissed; red hackles rising. It wasn't fair! Michael was HIS! Daddy said so, he thought furiously.

"Oh..he was just delicious….his lust is so sincere. He's very gifted and I don't mean his gift of gab!" Kasey smiled widely.

Michael watched this tense little exchange with amused interest. "Oh, don't you know it! We Waltrips are cunning linguists!...Heck, my brother's a master debater!" He ignored the groans at the table.

"Excuse me." Junior rose from the table in a huff and stormed off into the galley. The guests continued feasting and chuckling at Michael's bad puns; the loud, wavering howl echoing from the galley into which Junior had departed went unheard. (or ignored-another one of Junebug's hissy fits)

"Somebody's gonna get a spankin'…bad Bud Boy!" snickered Robby; now perched beside Michael. He rested his hand on Michael's thigh and winked at Kasey, who was also fondling their host.

Inside the galley, Junior angrily took a deep slug off a bottle of Southern Comfort. "Bitch!" he spat, throwing the bottle against the wall. He stood there fuming, unaware of Jeff's presence behind him.

"That's not very nice."

Junior continued his pout, "I don't care! He's so jealous of Martin, yet he screws everything with a hole! I mean, this sucks…he gets Kasey, then Robby-YOU get Jamie…and..and…NOBODY WANTS ME!!!" he wailed.

"Oh puhleease…don't start with the `nobody wants the red-headed stepbaby routine' ". Michael muttered, standing in the doorway with arms crossed. "Where is your little play-toy anyway?"

"He won't come out to play with us." Junior sniffed, "…says you scare him!" Jeff rolled his eyes heavenward and turned from the two DEI sweethearts, shaking his head.

"Nobody loves me!" Junior whined. Michael attempted to regard Junior in an aloof manner, but one look at that pathetic, hangdog face-so much like the sad little boy that used to haunt the Cup garages and his resolve slowly melted.

"Awwww…" Michael wrapped his long arms around Junior and gave him a big, slurpy kiss on the cheek. "I wuvs you, Junebug!"

Sniff. "Weally? Does Mikey weally wuv me?" Sniff.

"Yes I weally, weeallly wuvs ya!" Snuggle.

BBBBBLLLLLLEEEEEAAAAACCCCCHHHHH!!! Retched Jeff, gagging before he left the galley. Time to muscle in on the Kasey/Robby action, left bereft of Michael's company.

"Nobody loves you like I do." Growled Michael in Junior's ear. He swooned against Michael's chest. "Now let's get naked so I can lick you!"

Junior turned and started sucking Michael's neck; slowly sliding down his torso. Michael untied the sash to his vintage smoking jacket, giving Junior greater access to his sinewy body. His body shook from anticipation as Junior's tongue slithered across his delicious package. The two oblivious to the party beyond the galley door as Michael tackled Junior to the floor. The two became a joyous tangle of naked flesh as bodily fluids exchanged to the music of rumbling thunder……

….And an obnoxious knocking at the front door.

"Mmmmph….get the door, will you sweetie?? I'm not decent…" mumbled Michael from between Junior's legs.

"Ain't nobody decent, numbnuts!"

"I know, I know! But you're supposed to be the butler…."

With a grunt and a "yersupposedtobethebutler…grumble…grumble" Junior snipped as he pulled his ratty servant's jacket on along with his boxers and padded to the door. Pulling it opened and regarding the guest who blessed the doorway with a barely concealed snarl, "fuck!"

Kurt Busch glared at his host, "Well that's a helluva way to greet your guest!"

"You weren't invited, fuckstick!" Junior snapped. "This is a private party!"

"M'ok." Busch replied flippantly, "I agree with you on that-it's a PRIVATES party!" He strolled into the room as the guests gathered in the foyer to see what all the fuss was about. As soon as their eyes fell on Busch, a low hiss emitted from the gathering throng.

"You perverts have been throwing this party for years and I'm the champion! I should be the guest of honor! If you don't let me in on your little fun and games here, I'm sure that dude on Jayski would just LOVE to know what the Transylvanian Underground is all about!"

"I don't think that would be necessary." Michael imposed himself on Busch, towering over him. "I'm sure we can accommodate one more, can't we gentlemen?"

"That's right, Michael. After all, he IS the champion. I'm sure the omission of his invitation was simply an oversight." Mike Helton loomed beside Michael and Junior, fussily tugging at his teddy that seemed to be riding up in the rear. He whispered something to Michael, which left a large, somewhat inhuman grin on the NAPA driver's countenance and sent him scurrying out of the room, dragging Jeff with him.

"We even have a date lined up for you, Kurt. So sit back and relax….have a few drinks once you're dressed for the party."

"Oh no, you are NOT putting me in drag!" growled the elf-eared one.

Junior glared at him, "If you want to party with The Master, you'll do as you're told, Keebler." He looked at Robby, waiting in the wings, "Oh Robby! Can you take Kurt down to the boudoir and make him presentable for his …uhm…date?"

Robby's eyes grew wide, "Date?...huh….you're not talking about Spe- ?"

Junior clamped his hand over Robby's mouth, "Shhhhhhhh!" he hissed. "You'll fuck it up. Go now! And ignore Michael if you bump into him in the hall…no matter how much he begs for a little bite!"

"But he's so adorable when he begs…"

"Ugh…just go."

Kurt left with Robby, who escorted Sharpie-Boy with his strong, stout hand clamped tightly over Busch's miniscule buttock. "Kurt's got a girlie! Kurt's got a girlie!" he giggled. "You can have `er, I don't want `er..she's too fat for me!" he sang, much to Kurt's bewilderment.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Back in the Speed Studio, Alan listened intently as Jarrett continued to relate this bizarre tale.

"Let me take a stab on who Kurt's date is…"

Jarrett shook his sage head, "Nope…don't spoil it for the audience! It's a surprise!"

"How exactly DID Kurt wind up nearly electrocuted??"

"Shhhhh!! Not another word! Now be quiet or I'll break your other leg!"

When we last left the boys at the ball, Kurt Busch had come a- knocking and invited himself to the festivities. At the risk of exposing themselves, the Transylvanian Underground had no choice except to welcome Busch's sorry behind to the party…..)

"You touch me just once and I swear I'll knock your block off!" growled Kurt, balling his fist and shoving it in Robby's face.

"Oooooo…..aren't we being snippy! I just loooove it when you're being butch!" Robby snickered and showed Kurt to his room. "Get dressed-you can't keep The Master waiting!" Chuckling as a potential funny rattled around his usually dense skull, "Master… waiting….heheh! …get it?"

"Get out, Gordon!" Stupid ass! Note to self, Kurt mused wickedly, be sure to punt him into the nearest Bodine tomorrow…. Sighing, he glanced at the pile of clothes on the bed. "No way…." He grimaced as he held up the baby-pink bustier and matching garter belt.

"Oh yes way…!" Came a whisper next to the closet. Kurt looked up astonished at the shapely silhouette in the dim light. The speaker faced the window but what a shapely creature! Long, lean frame poured into a violet sequined sheath and platinum hair piled high. "Wow…." He breathed. "I don't think I got your name, sweetie…." As the lovely vision before him turned, Kurt nearly screamed in shock. The body and hair were right on but peering below the long, blonde bangs were Greg Biffle's fish-like, hooded eyes!

"T-They've got you too! Damn these sick, twisted bastards!" Kurt immediately backed up against the wall as Greg advanced upon him, drawing him close. Greg grinned wolfishly as his hands closed around Kurt's throat.

"Happy taught me this….auto-asphyxiation is little freaky at first but man! What a rush!" he snickered. "I mean if it's done correctly, that is…" he squeezed a little more; Kurt's eyes beginning to pop out their sockets almost as bad as his own. "Of course, IF I were to fuck up and squeeze just a little too hard……"

"Greg….I didn't mean to wreck you in the All-Star ….." gasped Kurt, frantically pawing at Biffle's iron-like vise grip. "We went over … and over….*gack* this!" Sweating profusely as his life flashed before his eyes, he idly wondered what else lay in store for him- providing he lived that long.

Greg abruptly released him-not before giving his nipple a playful tug-and turned before leaving, "You better hurry up-you don't want to keep your date waiting!"

Oh yes..the mystery date. Kurt groaned inwardly. Perhaps crashing this party was a grave mistake…

@@@@@@@@@@

"Hey birthday boy….." Michael stole up behind Robby, who was sitting morosely at the dinner table by his lonesome self. "Time to have your cake and eat it too..!" he purred huskily in Robby's ear. He reached over at the enormous birthday cake that was sitting as a centerpiece on the table and scooped up a large dollop of frosting. Playfully, Michael smeared a generous amount on Robby's lips. Robby, in turn, began to enthusiastically suck Michael's finger as his hands eagerly groped between Michael's legs.

Growling low in his throat, Michael roughly grabbed Robby in bear hug and pushed him down on the table-right in the middle of the cake. Frosting everywhere, two naked bodies writhing amidst the gooey confection…two lovers happily feasting on one another.

"Mmm…wine me, dine me and sixty-nine me!" Michael moaned as he buried his face in Robby's crotch.

"Uh…hold on a sec…I think I've got a candle stuck up my ass…!" Robby grunted, trying to reposition himself.

Michael looked up with a look of shock on his frosting-covered face, "A candle up yer ass?! That's sick!"

Meanwhile, the rest of the party had found it's way back into the dining hall and the guests were presently feasting their eyes on the rather disturbingly erotic sight of Robby and Michael joyously eating each other out; both men covered head to toe in frosting and the remains of the cake. While the majority of the gathered were quite content to enjoy the view and pleasure themselves, a few wanted a piece of cake for themselves!

"I'm hungry!" Whined Kasey, envious of Robby as he repeatedly swallowed Michael's cock.

"You're the guest of honor-I say we should dig in!" Junior was already on Michael; exploring his nether-regions with glee.

"Yow! THAT didn't feel like a candle…"

"Just think of me as a space pirate in search of Uranus."

"Now THAT'S sick-even for you…."

Junior smacked him upside the head. "I'm being sick?? Let's look at this for a moment, shall we? We're naked, covered in birthday cake, you and Robby are sucking each other off and I'm buggerin' yer ass and I think Kasey's looking for his watch or something up Robby's behind and now you're implying that one of my puns is in poor taste?"

"Just shut yer pie-hole and fuck me senseless…."

Everywhere in the room, bodies entwined in one glorious celebration…..

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Some time later that evening, long after the last of the birthday cake had been cleaned up, Jamie, Kasey, Junior, Jeff and Michael gathered in front of the assembled guests. Off to the side, sat a box-like device roughly the size of a breadbox. It sported a simple switch a funnel-like attachment on one side and a large dildo on the other.

"What the hell is that??" Wondered Junior.

"THAT is the Accu-Jack 3000!" Mike Helton beamed triumphantly. "It's a special prize for our honored guest, Kurt Busch!"

"Does that say `Die-Hard' on the side?" Indeed, the white lettering faintly shown through the gold spray paint.

"We had some of the finest minds in the NASCAR garage working on this! It's guaranteed to provide the ultimate orgasm and it's officially approved. What a better recipient than our Champion?"

Junior shook his head, "THAT is a Sears Die-Hard battery!"

"Michael-go stick something in his mouth to shut him up, will you….?" Growled Helton.

Meanwhile, Busch was escorted into the room on the arm of his date. His rather large date. Beneath the frizzy red wig, pink teddy and fishnets, was Kurt's old friend, Jimmy Spencer. Kurt was walking a little bowlegged and not at all happy with the evening thus far. (*A/N-the author will graciously spare the readers the details of Kurt's date with Jimmy-I have my limits! Besides, someone out there may be eating….)

"You are all gathered here for a special award. I wasn't sure who to present it to since Kasey here has been such a good sport" Helton began. Kurt's jaws began clenching furiously (as did his sore buttocks). "I think I will give this to Kasey-"

"NO!" yelled Kurt, jumping up. "I just went through every possible kind of humiliation tonight and you bastards owe me!" He ran up to the "Accu-Jack" , clasping it to his chest protectively.

"Uhm…ok." Helton shrugged, secretly smiling-his plan worked! Reverse psychology works every time. "Just plug yourself in and flip the switch. Knock *chuckle* yourself out."

With a wild, feral smirk, Kurt scampered off into the adjacent room with his new toy.

"Do we get to watch?" Michael asked curiously .

"You'd rather not…" Helton said, "It might not be pretty. I think we may now at last be rid of him. Can you believe he wanted to be Riff Raff this year?"

"Only I get to be Riff Raff! Daddy said I come from a long line of riff raff!" growled Junior.

"Yes Junior…."

@@@@@@@@@@

Once alone with his new prize, Kurt quickly surmised how the device worked. Insert body part A into port B and plug D(ildo) into A(nus)- a flip of the switch and BAM!

BAM was exactly what he got as in his haste to play with his new toy, he neglected to see the words "Die-Hard"…..

After the loud, inhuman shriek, the gathered guests stood quietly outside the door; ignoring the smell of burning hair and fried pork.

"Uhm…what if he's …uh….gone?" Junior again scratched his head. (damned chiggers)

"It was an old battery…all he'll get is a good shock and a lesson learned not to go where he's not wanted." Jeff said firmly, still eyeing the door for signs of life.

Indeed, after a moment or two, a naked and slightly crispy Kurt Busch emerged. Far more subdued when he first arrived on the scene and a vow never again to cross the Transylvanian Underground.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Kasey stood somewhat sadly outside the Master's suite as most of the guests were leaving. How could he just go back to business as usual after this strange and erotic night?

"Why so sad, Punkin?" Michael whispered in his ears, long arms around him.

"I-I just can't go back and pretend all of this didn't happen!" Michael shushed him and gently kissed his lips. Kasey's arms went around his neck and he pressed his body against Michael's hardness.

"C'mon…one more for the road…." Michael grinned as he pushed Kasey back into the bedroom. Within moments, Kasey was on his back with his legs wrapped around Michael's torso and Michael's heat deep within him.

"Ohhhh Kasey! Kasey! …" He moaned as he rocked against Kasey.

"KASEY!!"

Jolting awake, heart beating a mile a minute and a throbbing hard-on pressing against his five-point safety harness, Kasey shook his head.

"Hey! Wake up, man! It's time to go!" What the hell happened??? It can't be possible! This was all a dream!!

"GENTLEMEN! START YOUR ENGINES!" boomed the PA system as a squadron of jets roared over.

"C'mon kiddo-let's do the time warp!" yelled his crew chief as he snapped the window net up. Kasey opened his mouth to say something- anything but was drowned out by the growl of the cars around him. He felt a sharp tap on his rear bumper that slowly brought him back to reality. He looked up in the rear view mirror as the Napa Chevy tapped him again.

Over his radio, somehow Michael logged onto his frequency and Kasey's heart jumped at the low, familiar chuckle, "Nut's isn't it??"

Fin. Review Me

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