My Crazy Story.....
His name was Christopher Ryan. Gosh, was he gorgeous. I spotted him in High School, my freshman year, as my best friend explained to me that she had just met him in her art class. I remember looking at him and thinking, "Wow... he's nice lookin'!" Brown eyes, tall, nice body, hair down to his chin.. I was into the longer hair then. As the year went on, I knew that he knew who I was and I knew who he was: my best friend was "in love" with that boy. Every day she'd make sure she saw him, and one time at her house she said, "Imagine what our kids would look like??!" I admit that at this point I was a little annoyed, but I knew that I would be just as excited if I felt such feelings for someone, so I kept my mouth shut.
At the end of the school year, I remember my best friend being upset because he was going to a different school. At that point, I really didn't know what to tell her: I couldn't do anything but hug her and tell her she still had me *HUGE SMILE*.
Sophomore year. My best friend had moved on from Chris and met Samuel Freeman; a guy in my grade who we had always referred to before as, "Pig Pen." His long blond hair, glasses and scrubby appearance in Jr. High gave us the impression that he was the character from Charlie Brown. *At this point, of course, he had shorter hair and contacts, so he was all set, hehe.* The Homecoming dance was on it's way and all of my friends were going except for one person: me. I wasn't in the mood to stand on the side and watch my friends' with their dates slow dancing and having me be the odd ball: I would have rather watched movies at my house and just heard about it afterwards. My best friend, Cori, begged me to go, but with my stubbornness- nope! I wasn't going to budge. So, she had her boyfriend ask me to homecoming. I pestered them and they pastered me and I said, "YES!" to get them off my back: they knew I wasn't actually going to go with my BEST FRIEND'S boyfriend- that's just nuts! So the next day I walk into homeroom and my best friend, with her perky, "can't get me down!" attitude, ran up to me and said, "YOU ARE GOING TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE BECAUSE I HAVE A DATE FOR YOU!" Listening to her ramble on, I realized that Chris wanted to come to Homecoming, but didn't want to go alone. So, within a few days, it was set. I was going to go with Chris. Well, needless to say.... I never showed up.
Yes, it's true, I stood him up. But hey, hear me out: I didn't know the guy, had never talked to him, and I found out that he had a girlfriend at his other school. I just wasn't up to that. So, my best friend gave me his AIM screen name and I IM'ed him with an apology. Come to find out, he had caught his girlfriend cheating on him either that night or the night before-- ouch.
Days went by, then weeks, and suddenly Chris and I found ourselves needing to talk to eachother every day. We enjoyed our talks, our jokes, our flirtatious comments. When he asked me to go to the movies with him, that was it: there was no way I was going to miss it. So I called him up and the very first time I hear his voice I melted: it was so soulful and, well, dreamy.
Arriving at the movie theater to see "Urban Legend: Final Cut" *the only movie playing worthy enough to consider*, I stood in line to find my cousin and his girlfriend waiting to see a movie. I began talking to them as I looked around for the white hat that I was told to keep an eye out for. When I saw it, I saw him: coming out of the theater towards me wearing his khakis and a light colored shirt, my heart stopped: he was gorgeous.
He smiled at me and we said our "hello's" and after the movie, my ride arrived. I asked him if he needed a ride but he said that he had one. So he hugged me and thanked me for coming and when I got in the car all I wanted to do was scream!
We began dating on October 28, 2000. His mom didn't like me so much, I think it was the fact that I was "taking away" her son: I really don't know. They fought about me a lot and how I got his sister all hyper every time I came to his house: she was just excited to see me.
On our 6th month anniversary Chris had the most romantic idea to celebrate it: climb up a mountain and have a picnic on top. It took a while for me to get up to the top because I had such bad asthma, but he was there every step of the way. We went to Winter Carnival and Prom together-- the song "Never Say Goodbye" by BonJovi came on during my junior, his senior prom. I cried because I knew that he was going away to college in a few months: such a scary thought.
I went to his graduation and he signed up to go to UMO: The University of Maine at Orono. I was so nervous about what was going to happen when he went there, but I knew that this was our time.
On our one year anniversary he came down from college and bought me a flower and a ring. Things had been hard the past few months with him at college: we had fought all the time because we never saw eachother and he could never stay on the phone long or he was always talking to people in the background while I was trying to talk to him. The day before Thanksgiving he broke up with me. He said that he had done some things that he knew I would hate him for, and he said that he had began drinking, which he knew I didn't like. I had the most miserable Thanksgiving ever.
With the help of my best friend, I got through the breakup, though it wasn't easy. She kept apologizing to me for getting him and I together; my response: thank you. It was an amazing experience and I had finally knew what love had felt like- to love and be loved.
My best friends' next project: get me to meet her friend, Trenton. What a guy he was said to be! Sure, he was funny and he was entertaining, but did he really have the qualities that I had wanted? I knew that my best friends' intention wasn't to set us up, but it was to get us to know eachother: she always said we'd make great friends!
Friendship turned to interest and interest turned into a bit more. I had been declared his "true love," dispite the fact that he had been inlove before- I was supposidly his "real" love.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am not going to hide the fact that I was a bit curious to my feelings and that I was still at a "volnerable" stage because I had just truely began getting over Chris, but was it really right for what happened next to happen?
Trenton and I began to date. He was a grade below mine, but was mature on specific subjects and always knew how to make me laugh. He once did drugs and drank, but at the time wouldn't even touch caffeine *how he did it, I have no idea*. I picked him up on the way to school every day and he always made thoughtful gestures: always walking me to class and skipping class just to see me. Then Valentine's Day came. I admit, dispite everything that happens (and you will surely read about it), this was a great Valentine's Day.
In each class I went into, there was a gift for me waiting on my desk. All had a type of candy, but on the card it had said something sweet on it, always leading up to the next gift.
Finally, when I got to my car at the end of the day, I had a picture frame sitting on my dashboard with a picture of him and I, a picture that my best friend had taken of us the very first time Trenton and I had hung out. The comment on the tag was somewhere along the lines of, "..and they are perfect together." When I got home, I had roses sitting on my bed. How he did all of this, I have no idea, but let me tell you-- it was breath taking!
So, as I said, we dated and he went to Florida for a week with his family. Chris came down to spend a week with his and alllllll these emotions came running back to me. It was the first time I had seen him since our breakup. I liked him, I liked Trenton; I didn't know what to do. So, being me, I did what (at the time) was the only thing I knew to do: call it off with Trenton and just be single.
Of course, Trenton was heartbroken and I felt like a total bitch, but what else was I to do? I didn't want to be with one person while thinking of another, it's just not fair.
Chris went back to school and Trenton and I began to talk: he wanted another chance, from what I recall. After a while of thinking, I thought, "I like him, and he's here, not Chris.." *as you can tell, my mind was quite boggled at this time: I don't know if it was me going off of my anti-depressents or what it was, but it was certainly something*. So, we dated again. And yet again, for some reason, we broke up. Now, I know what you're thinking: "WTF was this girl on??????!" Good question. When I find out, I'll let you know.
Prom came. My senior prom. At this time, my best friend and I weren't friends anymore because she thought that Trenton and I were ignoring her. Now, in High School, I was quiet and didn't have many friends. I had my best friend (Cori), Lisa and Kayla. Yup, that was it. So, at this point we can eliminate Cori.. so all I had left was Kayla and Lisa.
As I said, Prom came and I wasn't even going to go. To be honest, my mom made me go. "Why miss your senior prom because of someone?" Hey, it's not that I didn't want to see Cori and Trenton, I did.. I just didn't want them to see me.
I went to the prom with Drew Madden, the little brother of a guy my brother grew up with. He just happened to be in my grade and friends with my cousin, and he asked me to Prom because neither of us had dates. "Why not?" I knew he wasn't going to rape me or something, he's a cool guy, sure, I'll go to prom with him. =/
Prom, needless to say, was horrible. I cried most of my prom and to be honest, I don't remember exactly why. Oh wait, yes I do-- it was because I had wanted to be with Trenton again. Yes, that was it. That and, the most important reason, me and my best friend had always talked about our senior prom and how we were going to do this and that.. but it obviously didn't happen.
So, prom came and prom went.
Trenton came to my house one day because he wanted to talk and frankly so did I. He sat on my bed and I sat on my bed and we talked about everything. The things I had done and the fun times that we had. I asked him for one more chance. At the time, I thought it was going to work. Obviously, it's far from true.
So, we dated AGAIN for the 3rd or 4th time. Whichever one. This time, though, things would get a little hectic..
Trenton and I began to get a little sexual. Now, "ooh, oh, big deal," but for someone like me, who has always said, "I could not imagine having sex with someone that I did not love," suddenly erases from my mind. I thought I loved Trenton, perhaps I wanted to love Trenton. So, yeah, we had sex. He wasn't my first, Chris was- but the catch: I was his first.
I ignored Chris. I ignored Chris because he and I had gotten into a fight over something and he wrote me an email saying, "You were not my first. I have had sex with about 8 woman and I just decided not to tell you.." Trenton was sitting next to me at this point and I was furious! What is this shit?? So, of course, me being me and freaking out, Trenton, me and his friend and my acquaintance, Brandon, all went to get tested for any STD's. Brandon came because, well, frankly, Brandon is a pimp. Yyyeah, he's quite the ladies' guy and so he thought, "I may as well go again, too.." *rolls eyes*.
Thankfully we were alright. I find out later, that Chris was being "sarcastic" and he swears up and down that he wasn't serious. Chris cries to me and tells me that something happened to him *now what happened is for me and only those he has told to know... sorry!* and so I call him and we begin talking again. At this point, Trenton gives me an option: Chris or him.
Now, wait a sec..... Chris and I are only friends, I am clearly over him and he is making me CHOOSE??? Then he goes on to say *Trenton, that is* that he has given up all of HIS friends for me! My argument: I never told him to. Why would he do something stupid like that? Seriously. *rolls eyes*
My senior trip came. The first senior event at the end of the year. I was excited, but nervous. I was going to hang with Lisa and Kayla, who were being very sketchy to me because of this whole Trenton thing and me bonding with Chris again. When I return home, there is an email from Chris. Turns out that that day he went to the school dressed very nicely: button-up shirt, shaved head and everything and he asked people where I was. When he saw me: he was going to get down on one knee and ask me to marry him. When I returned to school the following week I asked people and what he had said was true: he really did come in looking for me dressed nicely.. he was going to ask me to marry him.
I meet with Chris and have lunch to discuss everything: did he really lie about his email? What really happened to him? As we sit in the car afterwords, we talk. We talk until our mouths go numb. He asks me for another chance. He says that he will do all he can to make me happy. I just look at him. What am I to say to that? I know that he is a great guy and that he obviously really does care for me, but what about Trenton? What should I do about him? Lately, I had felt as though I had been apart of a tug-of-war game and I was the rope. I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the lips *I won't lie, I did* and when I turned around, there was Kayla: uh-oh.
So, yeah, Trenton and I broke up and Chris and I didn't go out so soon. I told him he had to prove it to me that he wanted to be with me. He took me through a really nice garden, had a picnic in a park, and eventually I accepted his proposition for one more chance.
One thing that I forgot to mention *clears throat nervously* is that in April of that year, when Trenton and I weren't together and when Chris and I weren't together, I went to see him at UMO for his Spring Fling: Jeremiah Freed and some other bands. It was fun, we watched movies and talked and we had sex. Yes, I admit. When we talked in the car after lunch that day when Kayla caught us, he said that he had been lieing to himself this whole time. When he finally realized that he still loved me, I was with Trenton and didn't know what to do.
So, other senior things came about: cruise, picnic, Senior Awards night.. I didn't go. I was tired of going to school to finish my classes and being called a "slut" and a "whore." People make mistakes, do they not? Well, apparently to Kayla, Lisa, and at this point even Cori, I was a slut. And to Trenton-- probably his worst mistake. I didn't go to school for the last 3 weeks. I didn't want to her the names and the back-talking people did: I had nobody at school. Nobody. So, after talking to my mom and finding out that she had a blood clot in her leg *from her calf up to her mid-thigh* I used it. I used it as an excuse to stay home. I "needed to take care of my mother," my principle closed all my grades as they were. I still haven't forgiven myself for using that excuse..
All I had was Chris. He was my only true friend and he was the only one who comforted me when I had nobody else. During graduation, when I got my diploma, my best friend yelled from the crowd, "DIE!" That was a nice touch.. thanks, Cori. :(
My graduation party was horrible, I won't go into that because that really has nothign to do with Trenton and Chris, although Chris was there: he was the only one I really confided in for anything. When I had problems or fights with him, the only one for me to talk to was my mom. Sometimes you just need more than that.
The summer went well. After Chris had gone to college, he made his mom promise to keep an eye on me: make sure I was eating right *chuckle*. This promise made her and I become great friends. I began calling her "mom" and she referred to me as her daughter, and his little sister sometimes knew me as her sister.
I started college this past fall. A freshman at SJC majoring in Psychology and minoring in Sociology. I didn't get into UMO like I had wanted so badly to because my grades weren't good enough.
My mom, being the amazing, inspiring person that she is, talked to Cori on the phone without me knowing. To make that story short, my mom got Cori and I to be friends again, this was in November of 2002. I talked to her about how I was unhappy in the dorm that I was in (first semester) and I talked to her about how I missed her and how I suspected Chris was lieing to me about drinking. I hate lies. I talked to her friend, Mathias (he goes to the same school as Chris), and he had said that Chris's room is a party room *which I knew* and that Chris drinks all the time. SO, I asked him about it. He got angry with me saying that it was none of my business. So it was dropped. He came to see me one weekend during school, first semester, and while we were trying to cuddle and watch a movie, people on my floor were being annoying and wouldn't leave us alone. I said that this is why I didn't want to stay here this weekend and we got into a huge fight. Now, when I get upset or nervous, I play with my lip, so that's what I began to do. He looked at me and said firmly, "Stop." How am I supposed to know what he's talking about? I've done it before and he never said anything.
"Stop what?" I asked, getting nervous.
"STOP!" he snapped, grabbing my wrist and squeezing it so tight. It hurt so much; I tugged my arm back and eventually, I got free. My wrist was pink with finger marks on it and my eyes began to water. He looked away and began slamming a few things, swearing and breathing heavily. He turned and looked at me and began to cry. "Why do you have to do that?" he asked. "Why do you have to start?" I just looked at him; I sat on the bed and just held my wrist. "What the hell..?" He came over and began to hug me. He layed me down and we both cried. He held me and as he layed on top of me and started kissing me, he kept saying that he was sorry. He "does not remember" doing any of that to me.
Mathias talked to me again. He was a little concerned, he said, because he didn't want me to always be worried. Of course, Mathias had the hots for me, but then again, he had the hots for anything with tits.
I heard from my friend Danielle up near Bangor. She wrote a thing in her diary saying that she has a friend who's boyfriend drinks and lies to her about it and she was describing a situation that was exactly like mine and Chris's. When I asked her about it, she got all defensive and calling me names, my best friend names and Chris names. Of course, I gave it right back to her and when I told Chris that he needed to tell me the truth, he wouldn't talk to me. He said that it was none of my business what he did, he said he didn't want to hear my voice and he called me names.
Oddly enough after we made up, that night he said, "I went out drinking tonight.." A gut feeling told me it had been going on longer. Chris and I dragged our relationship on for a few months. He wasn't sure if he loved me and I wasn't happy. He made me feel as though my opinions and my feelings weren't valid. Eventually I wasn't "allowed" to feel angry because there was "no reason" for it. Of course, only he and I know what all of this means and what really happened, but this is just the sum-up.
Chris and I broke up January 3, 2003. I haven't seen him and I have heard from him few times. I will not go into Hannaford 'cause Trenton works there: I just don't want to see him and I don't want him to see me. He still finds it amusing to call me names and has this big hatred towards me. Not that I can say that I wouldn't blame him for being hurt, I did take away his virginity and I did break his heart a few times; I did feel like shit for all of it.
I've done a lot of growing from this whole situation: I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about relationships. I am actually quite scared for whoever reads this and what they will think of me. I am a romantic. I'm affectionate and caring, but I am also very demanding, stubborn and I don't know what else. I know that I have become the most faithful person, and I have learned so much.
Chris was my first love and my first everything. Trenton was my first mistake and I am sure that I am his biggest mistake and his biggest rival right now; yet my situation with him taught me a lot.
Life throws you curveballs... and things get pretty fuckin' crazy!
