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Daily Dispositions
Thursday, 29 October 2009

It's been over two years since the last entry and here I am today, still not quite able to step out of the looming shadows and into the promises of tomorrow.  How's that for progress....frankly, pretty fucking pathetic.  I hate that I can't allow myself to see things in clear black and white, that i have to reach my hand into the pot to stir up hazy grey mucks of messes that really should have been left to stew on its own.  Some days I feel like I should just be this selfish and all-consuming person who takes and takes everything and gives nothing in return because, why not, those who are that way seem to always come out ahead of the game.  And that thing people call karma that supposedly is lurking around waiting to come and deliver justice to the bad boys and girls, well surely that must be just a myth.  This jaded thing called life is really starting to chip away at any resolve and integrity that I've built up all these years.  Today has been a rough day...     

Posted by crazy/missmary at 12:04 AM PDT
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Tuesday, 26 June 2007

In the dawn of a new day

I let go and wash away

The inhibitions that cloud my fears

I drowned in a puddle of my own tears


I wipe clean the slate of yesterday

Gone are the dark and lonely days

I bury it deep to die a shallow death

I breathe in as I take my last breath


As I peer upon the shadows of tomorrow

I don a mask that silence the sorrows

That reigned a darkness upon my gaze

I shall look towards the dawn of a new day


Posted by crazy/missmary at 2:34 AM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 2 July 2009 11:45 PM PDT
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Monday, 28 May 2007

How many of us are actually happy with who we are as individuals? When it comes to personailty traits, phsyical appearances, emotional stabilty, social status, etc...can we honestly say that there is absolutely nothing that we would want to change about ourselves? I don't know of anyone who fits that mold. More often than not we look at ourselves and wish that we were something or someone that we're not. We often are not content and will want more in order for us to become happier with who we are because maybe we want to be taller, or more outgoing, or have more money. Is it because we are built that way and that it's just human nature, perhaps its a result of the society that we live in and the cultural upbringings we have come to base our lives around.

We all fall prey to social pressure throughout our lives and that plays a major role in our constant quest to be accepted by those around us. We become so eager to prove ourselves worthy that we look for ways to please our friends and family, lovers, acqaintances, strangers, and ultimately ourselves by doing so. Sometimes we compromise who we are in order to gain that acceptance. We lose track of the things that should matter to us and the things that define who we are as beings in order to make those around us accept us socially, emotionally, physically. Sometimes we become so immersed in it that we veer off the path and wind up in an illusionary distortion of reality. It is one thing to want to better ourselves and strive to maximize our potentials, but we should never compromise who we are in that process. We are all distinct individuals with our own set of values and traits that differentiate us from everyone else, and we should never lose grip of our integrity and who we have become just because we think it might make someone like us more or that it would help make us fit in. Be unique and never compromise your individuality.

Posted by crazy/missmary at 1:04 AM PDT
Updated: Monday, 28 May 2007 9:53 PM PDT
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Sunday, 20 May 2007

I'm feeling a little heavy hearted today...It's been a long time since I cried....I mean, really cried and I feel like I need to let it out of my system. Everyone has their own way of relieving whatever burdens they shoulder. Some people drink it away, some people sleep it, I do it by crying. I don't know what it is about crying, but it's as if by crying, I'm letting all the bad feelings flow out of my body through my tears.

I never want anyone to see me cry, not because I see it as a sign of weakness, but more because it's a moment of solitude and reflection for me. I take a step back and I look at myself and think about all of the things that are bothering me and the things that are important to me. I look at my past and think about everyone that has come in and out of my life and how they have impacted me. I think about all the mistakes that I have made and how they have become ingrained within me, like a scar that will never fade away with time but instead serves as a constant reminder. I try to answer all the questions that I have floating around inside my head. I try to forget about everything just for that brief moment in time when I cry. Perhaps it's my way of temporarily escaping from the heaviness in my heart and for that I cry. And tomorrow, I put on the happy smile that has come to be my trademark signture

Posted by crazy/missmary at 12:37 AM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 20 May 2007 8:22 PM PDT
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Thursday, 17 May 2007
I sometimes wonder what role my faith has played in my life and how it has shaped me as a person. Being born and raised under the Catholic religion has definitely had an impact on me as an individual. I admit that I have at times straddled the line that separates religion and atheism and have lived life with one step outside of the bounds of the Catholic teachings. Doing so has taught me some invaluable lessons that I feel are shielded under the protective armour of the Catholic faith.

For most of my life up, I grew up going to church almost everyday with parents who followed the beliefs and teachings of the church to the core. We were raised to believe in the goodness of people and the sacrifices that were put forth to provide us with the opportunities to live a better life and to give back to those in need. Respect, love, trust, honesty, and humbleness are only a few things that we were taught to live life by. And I am thankful to my parents and my faith for building this foundation that molded me in to who I have become. At the same time, we lived life solely within the confines of the walls that the church has built -- we become so immersed in trying to become "good" people that we overlook what the real world is really like outside of these walls. If each and every one of us followed the teachings of Christ, would teh world really be a better place? Would it make everyone love and respect each other more? Would it solve some of the major issues we see today like sex, drugs, and alcoholism. Maybe, maybe not. There were days where I felt like I was stuck within these walls and that I couldn't move beyond them to explore all the other things on the outside. It was only after I moved away for college that I had the freedom to see what else was out there. I tip-toed my way through 4 years of college pretty cautiously, exploring a little bit here and there, but never too far away from this metaphoric house that I built. It wasn't until I met one of the most defining people who have come in to my life that I really learned to open up and let go of some of the fears and trepidations that reigned on me. He taught me to be strong and confident and to not give a shit about the things that shouldn't matter. He was my best friend....I really miss him. It was our own mistakes and pride that tore us apart...but that is for another day, another dose of the daily disposition....

I will always have my faith behind me as it will be a part of my future. Only, this time I will continue to keep one foot outside in the realm of realism....

Posted by crazy/missmary at 10:03 PM PDT
Updated: Friday, 18 May 2007 12:01 AM PDT
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Thursday, 3 May 2007
50 Years...
In a couple of months, my parents will have been married for 50 years....50 years....amazing. Growing up as a kid there were times when I didn't understand why my parents were even married. I didn't see the love in their eyes, I didn't see the affection they showed each other...all I saw was a lot of what I felt was emotional abuse directed towards my mom. I used to hate my dad for treating her the way he did. I didn't understand what drove that kind of behavior in him. We never did anything bad, yet the punishments seem so severe in comparison. I didn't understand why my mom tolerated it. Why didn't she ever say anything back to him. Never said a word even though we all knew he was wrong. I always wondered why he was the way he was.... Because of pride? Fuck pride. What about your family and your wife and how they felt? How could he put himself ahead of the things that meant so much more than a stupid thing like pride? I used to get upset at my dad for that....and worse, I got angry at my mom for not being strong enough to stand up for herself and for us.

Interesting how your perspective and perception on things change as you grow older. Now I realize it wasn't that my mom was weak...she was really the strongest one of us all.....she was the glue that kept us all together. 50 years...what an incredibly long time. I look back and I see a lot of the challenges that my parents have gone through together without fully understanding it. 9 kids and a baby along the way when they made that trek to's crazy how they managed all that. I can only imagine all the frustrating and desperate moments they must have gone through. And yet after all that, 50 years later, they are still together...and happier than ever. My parents have a love for each other that is different from the commercialized hallmark that most people associate with. They were brought up in an entirely different world, in another moment of time and who's to make judgement on who they are and what they have become. No matter how hard it was, they stuck matter what. You've got to admire that. Now, when I look at my parents I no longer see what I saw as a's interesting how you see things through a different set of eyes as you come to understand the things that never used to make sense to you. 50 years....amazing....

Posted by crazy/missmary at 9:01 PM PDT
Updated: Wednesday, 16 May 2007 12:00 AM PDT
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