The Bobbits lived carefree and harmonic lives within the honeycombed hills of Bobbiton, drinking, having sex, and doing drugs.

But not Dildo. No, Dildo Bagthings was a strange old Bobbit who preferred anonymous butt sex, cough syrup over hard liquor, and getting high off of potpourri. He had once explored the Magical Mountains in search of a mate and instead discovered a rotten banana at the entrance to a cave.

From within this dark tunnel Dildo heard a foreboding voice call out, "SEXY! SEXY! COME BACK MY SEXY!"

Dildo gazed down at his shriveled up banana.

"Let's blow this popsicle stand," he said.

Dildo proceeded to mount his pony and return to Bobbiton... With the bruised banana in his possession.

Decades passed. Dildo's relationship with the rotten produce blossomed. They got married in Vegas, made French toast, renewed their wedding vows, and settled down to start a family. Dildo was eighty-five and the banana a hundred and two when they first gave birth to their love child, Mojo.

Mojo was quite an extraordinary lad. He, like all Bobbits, grew to be extremely short, with hairy knee caps and a passion for the occassional beer. But what set him apart from the other Bobbits was his love for frolicking. Yes, Mojo was a frolicker. He frolicked in fields, meadows, and the iciest of tundras. Nothing could put an end to this Bobbit's love for tenacious frolicking.

One day he was frolicking in a peaceful glade, blowing on his bagpipe. He decided to take a rest and daydream about male figure skaters when he heard a familiar noise in the distance. "Grabralph's come back to Bobbiton! Oh, joy!"

Grabralph the Gay, Harry Potter's uncle's butt-clown's milkman's sister-in-law's toy poodle's designated postal distributor's neighbor's hair dresser, sat in the driver's seat of a rickety old cart filled to the brim with beads and other naughty playthings. He was merrily humming a tune while rolling up a doobie.

"Grabralph, you old magician you," said Mojo.

"Who the hell are you?" Grabralph asked, stopping the cart.

"Why, it's me, your old pal Mojo. Remember last year's Christmas party? You got drunk and had sex with one of Santa's reindeer," Mojo explained.

"Oh... Yes. Come, sit next to me. I have candy," Grabralph said.

"Black licorice?" asked Mojo.

"Pink licorice."

"Oh, boy! Father told me never to trust strangers promising sweets, but what the hell," said Mojo, hopping onto the cart. He turned to Grabralph. "So, what brings you to Bobbiton?"

"I'm here to deliver some kinky sex toys to your father's coming out party," Grabralph explained.

"Father's coming out? Out of what?" asked Mojo.

"Out of the closet," said Grabralph.

"Father's gay!?"

"Well he's married to a banana isn't he."

"Mom's a banana!?" Mojo cried.

Grabralph pulled the cart up to Dildo's house. The mailbox read 'Dildo's Love Shack' and a sign posted in the front yard said 'Booty Calls By Appointment Only'.

"Well, I'd better be running along. I have more frolicking to do. See you at tonight's festivities," said Mojo.

"Catch you on da East Side brudda," Grabralph said. He knocked on the front door.

"I said it once and I'll say it again, I'm not interested in a two-year subscription to Playbobbit," yelled a voice from inside the burrow.

"How about subscribing to an old friend?" asked Grabralph.

Dildo opened the door and peered out. He was wearing leather pants, star-frammed sunglasses, and a pair of nipple rings.

"How's it hanging?" asked Dildo.

"Shriveled and a little to the left," Grabralph said.

The old friends warmly embrace.

"Come in, come in. I'll make iced tea," said Dildo.

"Where's the misses?" Grabralph asked, scanning the room for any sign of the moldy banana.

"In the food pantry. Care for some pink packets with your iced tea?" Dildo called from the kitchen.

"No, I take Equal in mine."

"Very well then," Dildo said, walking into the room with a pitcher of iced tea. He poured the old wizard a glass and they both sat down.

"So... Where'd you get this furniture?" Grabralph asked, taking a sip of his tea.

"Dry Ice," said Dildo.

"Oh... I see."

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"Dildo, is that a banana in your pocket?" Grabralph inquired.

"What!? I don't see any banana."

"You're stroking it," Grabralph noticed.

"I won't let you rob me of my sexy banana! I won't!" screamed Dildo. "I won't let you take my sexy!"

"DILDO BAGTHINGS! THE LAST THING I'D TRY TO DO IS RIP YOU OFF!" Grabralph yelled, making the entire burrow shake.

"I'm terribly sorry, Grabralph. I don't know what came over me," Dildo apologized.

"Very well. Now, after this coming out party of yours I must get Mojo and the banana to a secure location. Dark forces are on their way to Bobbiton, and no Bobbit is safe," said Grabralph.

"You mean... I must part with the banana?" asked Dildo.

"I'm afraid so, yes. I've already enrolled Mojo in Pigbunions, school for witchcraft and wizardry. I took the only position they had left, sex ed professor, so I can keep a watchful eye over your son," Grabralph explained.

"F*@% Mojo, what about my sexy?"

"Mojo will bear the banana from thus forth. Lord Sorethumb must not get his nine fingers on it, or all of Middle East will be lost," said Grabralph.

The front door opened and Mojo frolicked in.

"Father, your guests have arrived. Is something wrong? You haven't been harassed by those door-to-door Catholic bible salesmen again, have you?" Mojo asked.

"No, everything's fine. Grabralph was just about to escort me down to the party, weren't you Grabralph?" Dildo asked.

"Oh... Yes."

Grabralph and Dildo held hands and skipped out of the burrow. They followed Mojo down the hill to a giant tent where Elton John, Richard Simmons, and a bunch of Catholic priests had gathered.

Not finished.