Two.Souls.&.One.Thought :: Two.Hearts.&.One.Pulse

SUNDAY, OCTOBER FIFTH, TWO.THOUSAND.THREE :::I decided to start writing to you here. You may never read this, but it's a place where I can feel connected to you once again. This is my way of self-help. I went to church at St. Joseph's this morning. Thought how each time I was there, I was there with you, but being there by myself was definately a step forward for me. I sat there thinkin how someone should be holding my hand, someone who should kiss my cheek as he would say "may peace be with you," someone to pray on bended knees with... but you weren't there. I did it by myself though. I was surrounded by so many people, but I felt so alone. I had tears throughout the one hour mass. I prayed for you, for myself, for my family, and for us. Silly of me to even think that we will become one again. I'll keep waiting and waiting till the wait is over... After church, I stopped by Valley Fair to pick up a birthday present for you. I had many ideas flowing through my head for the past 2 weeks or so. It was a wide range of totally different gifts. I finally settled to one theme: double deuce. Why? It's something that I think, or at least hope that you will like. I guess because that has become my favorite number as well. It was definately a challenge, but mission accomplished. I hope you like your two new peices of double deuces. Regardless whether you will accept my gifts or appreciate them, it makes me feel good inside because I wanted to do it. You will either put them to use or return/exchange them. You could use it as a rag for all I know... but knowing that I made it as a mission for the day to find what I wanted to give you, gives me satisfaction. I'll never know what you will do with them. hehe but I guess sometimes, it's better to be on the edge. I see that you're back from Reno. I prayed thro the weekend that you wouldn't drink much while you were there, but I'll never know if you did or not. I wish you knew how much I care about you. It hurts me a lot that you can't even set aside half a day to sit w/me and talk. You don't know how much it bothers me each day. Each day it grows bigger and bigger, not knowing what to do with my thoughts... It ends up gettin too much to handle and I burst and have another emotional breakdown because I don't know what to do. It's amazing what you have made me into. I never thought I'd be so into someone so much that I can't move on. I have guys to the left & right asking me out, but I cannot seem to close the door behind me. Maybe when we exchange the last bit of our stuff... Then I'll know that there will be nothing there to bring us back together again. But until then, my heart, my mind, my God has given me more hope and faith that you will be back in my life, cuz that's where you belong. You are the ONE and forever will be... 143.