GQ Archive

Please note, this is the original message. My edited copy was lost in a recent storm that blew my main computer up. If you have any complaints/comments, send me an e-mail at jial_silverthorn@hotmail.com




y'know, I figured four years would do this place some good. but evidently I can't forget my past and neither can you. people look back and remember my screwed-up ways without ever once thinking I coulda changed. but I did. and for the better, I might think. I look back now on the things I did. I regret them more than any of you can hope to comprehend. something about the beginnings of adolescence, I figure. now I can look back and see how crazy I really was. but if all any of you can do is talk about me like I haven't moved on with my life, then I'm not the depressing one. :/

I turned 18 yesterday. I'm going off to college in a few days. I've had to deal with the worst part of my life with my parents watching my every move, them never trusting me, no matter how many times I proved 'em wrong. a year of that was spent in therapy that I didn't even need. if anything it made me feel worse about myself. but I also know now that what I've had to go through isn't completely my fault. those who thought I should be dealt with by my parents are the ones who got me ripped from anything close to a life I coulda had. and it seems no matter what I do, no one forgets the times I screwed up, especially me.

I'm not some sex-starved twit. I'm not an attention whore. I don't try to transform things into what they're not (I saw part 3). I may have once been close to those things, but I'm not now. I never will be. I don't wanna be what I was back then, and I'm glad I'm not now. I'm only saying all this so I can finally put my past behind me that has been torturing me so since then. for me it's a form of closure from what I once was and what I strived to never become. all I wanted to be was an above-average student, a good singer, and a decent writer. and I have done those things. and I'll keep doing those things until the day I die.

that's all I have to say. take them how you will. I know things'll never change, and I don't intend to try to make them. I just stay away from what turned me into the person I wanna forget. good day. oh, and that field of flowers died years ago. keep it that way. :)