myhead : online journal

justin101: random info about me

links: links to a variety of sites

name::Justin

location::Denton,TX

birthday::June 20^th, 1980

orientation::queer
e-mail::lilblueworld21@charter.net

AIM::Evolving Alone

movie::the matrix reloaded

reading::Skinny Legs & All - Tom Robbins

spinning::the best deceptions – dashboard confessionals

watching::the new he-man

June 14, 2003 19:00::decomposition

Okay so im doing a really shitty job of keeping up with this journal.. so Sam came and went .. not before I went to a wedding and got drunk and told her parents that I was in love with her .. yea.. umm .. Im gay .. I then told her that I thought moving to Oregon was a bad bad idea .. not because I was in love with her but because moving to a city for a boy that youre in love with but has no interest in you .. not such a good idea.. so anyways that made things all fucked up and she left and we weren’t on the best terms … besides that the roommate thing just kinda fell apart .. I didn’t get the apt across from shaye because of credit issues .. so now im gonna just move into her place .. we’ll see how that turns out .. if we kill each other or not .. im not on the lease so if it sux I can just move out … there are a few boiz that are into me .. however I don’t think that my soul really wants to be with anyone right now .. I have something wrong with my heart … Im doing blood work on Monday to figure out whats going on.. and I took last week off for no reason at all .. so I guess a lot has happened in the last 15 days .. I should reall try to keep up with this journal.

May 31, 2003 17:39::return of soul

Sam came home today .. like a breeze coming off the ocean she wiped away the stagnant air and made me smile.. In true Sam fashion she just kinda showed up.. 3 days late.. im tryin to not feel so excited because I know shes leaving in a week or so.. I need her in my life .. the fact that shes leaving makes my heart hurt so much .. she asked me to go to Oregon with her .. I told her I could never leave Texas no matter how much I hate it here until I knew for sure that my mother was going to be taken care of .. I didn’t make it to the party to make balloon animals today because I couldn’t get anyone to answer the phone to tell me how to get there .. I bought boxes today .. Im so excited about moving .. and Dean and I have a deff. Lunch date on Monday.. I hope he likes me.. I really need a room mate.. Tomorrow is 6 feet under .. The whole gang is coming over .. we’re gonna make a night of it .. the last one with all of us here .. I added Sam and Matt’s mp3 at the top.. im not just sayin this because they are my friends .. but its so so awesome .. and describes exactly how I feel.. check it out.

May 30, 2003 11:24::odds and ends

Im goin to sign the lease at the new apt .. that just happens to be across the street across the way from Shaye.. My mom agreed to pay my deposit when I told her I had a potential room mate.. his name is Dean.. I met him on gay.com.. fuckin hot as hell .. livin with him would be tough cuz hes freakin hot.. but whatev .. I lived with kyle for a year and dealt with that.. I had a dream last night about my exbf kasey.. you know how everyone has their big ex.. kasey is my big ex.. he sent me a new pic of himself.. his face is all different… when we were together I was his first.. he was still dealing with coming out and was doing the straight acting thing .. he says hes done with that and last night he called me “sweetie”.. don’t know how I feel about that.. the boi I loved is gone.. that’s so fuckin depressing.

May 29, 2003 10:49::bad boiz

I’ve been on gay.com lookin 4 a bad boi.. my tattoo/sk8er/punk rock fetish is getting outta control .. im also tryin to figure out money 4 a deposit on a new place .. money fuckin blows.. work is there … I used my rent money today to pay the internet/cable bills .. priorities ya know..

May 23, 2003 13:51::Creeping in

The depression is creeping in .. actually more than creeping.. its here .. im so depressed I don’t even feel like writing in this fucking journal.

May 15, 2003 13:41::Adult Feelings (not the dirty kind)

I hate it when I feel like an adult.. like this morning when I woke up and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep … I couldn’t though… I wasn’t physically able.. my Mom has this problem.. I remember thinking about how much it sucked for her that she couldn’t sleep in.. anyways.. totally random

May 14, 2003 13:54::Denton in the Summer

Denton in the summer is so fucked up .. it has this unique feeling … the whole town shuts down when school is out.. everyone is looking for summer jobs .. going on vacation .. fun times.. im still looking for a reason to wake up in the morning .. right now im leaving from moment to self medicated moment.. my mother just made me an agreement that she would pay the balance I have at the university ($2,300) if I would get a second job.. hmm .. what I need is more responsibility because im doing so good with the responsibility I have… im suppose to go home this weekend and then again the week after .. hmm.. I don’t know how that is gonna happen with no radio .. 3.5 hours of silence just might be what pushes me over the edge.. jk.. Ruben wants to hang out and fuck.. I guess fucking exbfs is okay .. right.. yeah I think so.

May 13, 2003 12:03::The sound of breaking glass

The last few days have been interesting.. On Sunday I didn’t do ANYTHING all day really.. I got a Gamecube for some reason.. So I’ve been feeling extra dorky .. its was fun though when Shaye got really stoned and while she was watching me play had visions of what I would be like if I was straight.. I know this might be unhealthy but I really like it when people think I’m straight.. Anyways.. when Matt arrived at my apt to watch Six Feet Under he had this horrible look on his face and said “umm I think your car has been broken into”.. so I went out to find my driver’s side window busted and my cd player and all my cds gone.. ugg.. so not what I needed .. but my Mom was cool about it and paid for the new window.. I still don’t have a car radio .. no telling when ill get another one .. oh well .. silence is golden.

May 10, 2003 13:52::Geronimo

They opened a new gay bar in Denton, Geronimo’s, Shaye, Matt, and I decided to go.. it was really really strange.. first of all I was stoned.. so that didn’t help the feeling of weirdness.. we get there and there it was dead.. I did see Stein .. he’s this boy I knew when I lived in the dorms .. we used to make out in the cafeteria in front of tour groups.. wow I was so trashy.. anyways.. he invited me over to what was obviously the popular section of the bar.. I say that because there was this section of cuter boys that all the other old men and trolls were obviously jealous of .. anyways .. non of them were interesting at all… Matt said I should of stayed .. whatever, I much preferred the company of my really high buddy’s.. so we stayed about 20 mins. and left to go to a straight bar.. I love Denton .. there are so many hippy and emo type kids in this town.. anyways .. we left and went back to Shaye’s and watched this Japanese movie about a bed and breakfast that had a curse that caused everyone who came there to commit suicide .. I know it sounds horrible but it was the funniest movie I had ever seen.. maybe I was just high but claymation rocks.

May 9, 2003 14:35::adventures in babysitting

Last night this chick came into the ER with a 3 year old she was babysitting.. She didn't know the kid's last name, address, birthday, or how to get in touch with the child's parents.. after thinking about it for a bit I was like .. hmm .. this might be a tad fishy.. so I called the police.. umm.. that went over really well when the kids parents finally did show up.. the father was a hippy professor with a "question authority" button on his shirt.. so you can imagine how much he loved walking into his kid's ER room with 2 police officers waiting on him.. needless to say I got yelled at .. a lot... I also got pulled over twice for my car's registration that had been expired for a year.. how is it that I can go a whole year with out being stopped and then be stopped two times in one day.. the nice bike cop informed me that I have a warrant for my arrest in Dallas county for a speeding ticket.. he said "I'm not in the mood to arrest you today" .. so that was a plus... so I went this am and stood in a loooong ass line to get new registration this morning.. fun stuff.. now its time for work.. maybe I'll get yelled at some more .. sweet.

May 8, 2003 02:30::It hurts my eyes to be clever

Kristen gave me some Soma at work.. came home and took some Lortab.. drank a bottle of wine.. now im sleepy and lost in thought... I want so bad to be whitty and clever.. however, words as always escape me.. sitting here at a blank screen makes me feel like I'm 10 years old again ... only now I'm apathetic.. well not really.. but I can sleep tonight and that's a start ß total drama queen statement.

May 7, 2003 13:44::the daily grind

Umm so I'm bored.. wake up go to work .. come home sleep.. get up and work.. no pot.. nothing to do ... just me, the tv, and the kitty.

May 6, 2003 10:36::moving things around

I think this period of my life is all about moving my life around and organizing It for whatever comes next. Like this morning I'm going to pick up an application for a possible move across the street to Shaye's place.. I still have no roommate although Brent is a possibility. We'll see how things unfold.

May 5, 2003 10:52::my head hurts

So last night was kind of crazy... first of all Matt came over and smoked me and Shaye out.. I don't have any pot of my own because Shaye refuses to hook my up because she insists I have a problem.. and I probably do have one.. Anyways we watched 6 feet under.. and let me just say that it was the most eventful episode.. we were all really stoned so it felt like we were on an incredible emotional rollercoaster.. after that wine was spilled on the cable modem.. it started smoking and almost started an electrical fire... however, I woke up and plugged it in and its working fine.. I don think im going to leave it plugged in while im not here though.. at some point during the night Mary called to check in on the party.. not to cause drama at all <cough>... I saw an old friend from freshman year online.. we talked about getting the old group back together for a visit.. im not sure exactly how that would go.. im off to buy a razor and drop off rent.. cheers.

May 4, 2003 21:07::trouble in paradise

I just called Mary to see how she was doing .. she and Shaye are still in a squabble .. Im stuck in the middle as usual .. I just found out that Tori has 3 b-sides that I've never heard.. Matt was suppose to be here at 9 to watch QAF.. but its all good because its not on for some reason.. Sam has still not emailed me back.. its been like 3 weeks since she left.. I miss her so much .. I have no one to look at clouds with.

May 4, 2003 17:18::bad bad Justin

I just stood up my aunt.. I don't know why I even pretended to think that I was actually going to go.. I knew I wouldn't ... so I'm just sitting here waiting for Shaye and Matt to come over to watch 6 feet under and Queer As Folk. Oh, and I spilled bong water in the carpet... it smells like ass.

May 4,2003 11:35::dirty dreams

So I just woke up .. I had this really great dream about some random guy that I don't even know... he was all like this sk8er guy with really hot tatts... im my dream he lived next door to shaye, I think I need a bf.

May 4, 2003 01:41::yawn

Interesting conversation with this boy from gay.com.. we've been talking on and off for awhile and I thought he was kind of a dick at first... but lately hes been kind of bad ass.. there is a good chance that this whole thing will either turn out to be either disappointing or just creepy... we'll see.. im suppose to go to my Aunts tomorrow.. fun. Time for bed now.

May 3, 2003 22:49::Alone, Lazy, and Bored

Okay, so I know that this is my third entry today ... and there could be several reasons for this.. 1) I've been left alone this evening because Shaye decided to stand me up and stay in Carrollton with her friends. I don't know why im upset about it.. I mean its not like we don't spend a ridiculous amount of time together. 2) I need more friends.. anyone want to come and rescue me? Side note: I haven't done anything constructive today besides make this webpage.. the dishes stink and I have no clean clothes... mental note: lack of motivation seriously becoming an issue.

May 3, 2003 19:10::Webpages Suck Ass

So I made this page in like an hour but it took me like 3 hours to figure out how to upload it onto a server. I don't know if I dig the anglefire thing or not yet.. the ads are shitty.. however.. its free and im broke.

May 3, 2003 15:00::Self Expression

Online journaling is I'm sure is considered nerdy. However, being that I have no real creative talent I thought I would give it a shot. After all, all anyone ever wants is to be understood. Who knows, maybe self expression is over rated.

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