1) Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
2) When the boogey man goes to bed every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
3) Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac from Burger King and got one.
4) Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, he decides what time it is.
5) The quickest way to a mans heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
6) Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
7) Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
8) Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
9) Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
10) Chuck Norris has 2 speeds. Walk. And kill.
11) There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
12) There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
13) Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills people
14) Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.
15) The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
16) Chuck Norris did, in fact, build Rome in a day.
17) Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups. He does earth-downs.
18) Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
19) Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cried.
20) Chuck Norris sleeps with a night-light because the dark is afraid of him.
21) If at first you don’t succeed. You’re obviously not Chuck Norris.
22) There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold so he turned the sun up.
23) If Chuck Norris is late, then time better slow the fuck down.
24) Chuck Norris does not tea bag the ladies. He potato sacks them.
25) Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
26) Chuck Norris does not read books. He stares them down until they give him the information he wants.
27) Chuck Norris has counted to infinity-twice.
28) Leading hand sanitizers claim to kill 99.9 percent of bacteria. Chuck Norris kills 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
29) Chuck Norris’ calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd. Nobody fools Chuck Norris
30) Some kids piss their name into snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
31) Chuck Norris can speak Braille
32) Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character of 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
33) Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now known as the Islands.
34) Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris’ sperm escaped and got into the engine. This truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
35) Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
36) If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
37) Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
38) Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
39) Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
40) Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
41) Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
42) Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
43) Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
44) Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
45) Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
46) Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever asks him for his ID.
47) Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
48) Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
49) Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
50) When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
51) Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
52) Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
53) If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.
54) Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
55) Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
56) Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
57) Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and wins.
58) If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
59) Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
60) Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
61) Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
62) Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
63) Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
64) Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
65) Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
66) The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
67) Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
68) When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
69) Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
70) The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.
71) Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
72) When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
73) Jack was nimble, jack was quick, but Jack still couldn’t dodge Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick.
74) Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
75) Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
76) Piñatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
77) Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
78) The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
79) If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
80) The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
81) The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
82) It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
83) Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelry."
84) Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
85) A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
86) Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
87) Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
88) Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
89) Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
90) Chuck Norris defeated IBM's Deep Blue computer chess program using only one pawn and the thimble from Monopoly. He also collected $200 for passing "Go" in the process.
91) The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
92) Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.
93) A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.
94) M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
95) When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
96) When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Chuck Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in his diamond mines.
97) Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".
98) Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
99) Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. Historians have recorded this as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
100) Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
101) Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
102) Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
103) The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.
104) Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
105) Curiosity may have killed the cat, but Chuck Norris killed everything else.
106) The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
107) The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
108) Nobody has ever received a high-five from Chuck Norris. However, many have received a low two, which is a direct kick to the nuts.
109) Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
110) It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
111) Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
112) The Judaists are pissed because they can no longer tell their recruits to expect 73 virgins in heaven. The best they can do now is 73 women who have already had sex with Chuck Norris.
113) When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says, "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.
114) We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
115) Chuck Norris once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.
116) Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
117) Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
118) There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
119) Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
120) In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
121) Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people.
122) In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
123) Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
124) When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
125) When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
126) Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
127) Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
128) When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
129) God wanted 10 days to create the world. Chuck Norris gave him 6.
130) Chuck Norris can drink so much that his urine is regularly used as a type of rocket fuel.
131) Every year on his brithday Chuck Norris selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
132) Chuck Norris decided it was a good idea to bottle his urine. We’ve come to know it as Red Bull!
133) A Chevy truck was totaled in an accident. The truck hit a patch of black ice, then hit Chuck Norris.
134) Once, Chuck Noris built a time machine, went back before the universe existed. God appeared startling Chuck, with a sudden bang he round housed kicked god. And within that bang of a kick the universe was made.
135) Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term ‘Virgin’ Mary he laughs out loud…enough said.
136) It used to be called the Tower of Pisa…until Chuck Norris decided to roundhouse kick the shit out of it
137) Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
138) Chuck Norris can take a number 2 standing up.
139) Chuck Norris once shot down a German plane by pointing his finger and yelling “bang” 140) Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by pointing at her and saying “boo-ya”.
141) Chuck Norris doesn’t use a razor to shave in the morning, he roundhouse kicks himself in the face… because the only thing hard enough to cut Chuck Norris, is Chuck Norris.
142) The sun dont shine on Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris shine on the sun.
143) Chuck Norris invented the internet so he’d have a place to store his porn.
144) Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove he isn’t racist.
145) Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes so he can “accidentally” roundhouse kick kids in the neck.
146) Every time Chuck Norris kills a man, an angel gets its wings.
147) A little known fact, The second pope actually went through the bible before it was mass produced and replaced the name Chuck Norris with God.
148) Macgyver once tried to give Chuck Norris advice on diffusing a bomb. Chuck Norris then disemboweled Mcguyver using a plastic spoon, a wooden nickel, and the left arm of a midget… yes, a live midget.
149) Chuck Norris doesn’t pray to god, god prays to Chuck.
150) Pictures of the Berlin Wall falling do not show Chuck Norris on the opposite side, roundhouse kicking the shit out of it.
151) Ever wondered why Hawaii is so far out in the Pacific? It used to be a small pineapple-producing island 20 miles off the coast of San Diego. During one visit, Chuck Norris ate a bad pineapple…
152) chuck norris is secretly a sith lord.
153) Chuck Norris was turning blue when he was born. The doctors turned him upside down and slapped his butt. Chuck Norris, the first infant to successfully perform a roundhouse kick.
154) Before e-mail was invented, chuck norris would attatch messages to kittens and roundhouse them.
155) chuck norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
156) Chuck Norris doesn’t need to shower. Dirt is too scared to touch him.
157) 150,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris related accidents every year.
158) Chuck Norris isn’t cool, cool models itself after Chuck Norris.
159) When someone sneezes, God says Chuck Bless you.
160) Chuck Norris knows the secret to world peace, He just thinks its more fun to kill people
161) People often wonder about the origin of Chuck Norris’s cowboy boots… There is no origin, they have always been, and have coexisted with Chuck since the beginning. Actual first verse of Bible: “In the beginning, there was the Chuck and the Cowboy boots. And the LORD tried to seperate them, but got a roundhouse-kick to the face.”
162) Chuck Norris doesn’t need air, air needs chuck norris.
163) Even if you have the oldest black and white 32cm television, all movies and series starring Chuck Norris will come out in High Definition widescreen with Dolby Digital 6.1 channel surround.
164) While on a nature trek in Wasington State, Chuck Norris stubbed his toe on a rock and proceeded to deliver the tiny rock a roundhouse. This event is also known as the Mt. St Helens eruption of May 1980.
165) Chuck Norris climed to the summit of Mt Everest in only shorts and a tank top.
166) Chuck Norris’ urine can dissolve a cast iron shot-put in 15 minutes.
167) While filming “Top dog II” in Cuba, Chuck sneezed, we know it as Hurricane Katrina.
168) The only child ever to survive a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris was Gary Coleman. He has not grown since.
169) When Chuck Norris was born, he had already had sex, three times
170) Steven Hawkings was the only man to outsmart Chuck Norris, he got what he deserved…
171) Chuck norris owns the internet, he didn’t buy it, nor did he invent it, it was a peace offering.
172) Chuck Norris is the Presiden of the USA, bush is just his pet chimp.
173) Two things can survive a nuclear holocaust. Cockraoches and Chuck Norris
174) Michael Jordan owns a Chuck Norris jersey.
175) A deal was once made between Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee during the filming of Enter the Dragon where Bruce would defeat Chuck in a fight. No one knows the conditions of that deal but Mr. Lee died “mysteriously” soon after leaving behind only one witness who claims there was a flash of light and a single roundhouse kick. that witness is now dead. by reading this, you have become a threat to Chuck Norris. if you cant see him right now, you may already be dead.
176) The true story of how the ninja turtles came into existence is that chuck norris ate a live turtle….. when he shit, the turtle was now 6 ft tall and a master in martial arts!
177) After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the Atomic bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Instead of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning, the bomb was more “humane”.
178) chuck norris can make rocks bleed
179) God did not create man in his image but in the image of Chuck Norris.
180) Chuck Norris’ farts are irresistable to women. This is now canned and know as Axe Body Spray.
181) Even chuck Norris’ piss clogs toilets.
182) It took five women three years to give birth to Chuck Norris.
183) When Chuck Norris was in elementary school, he had to write an essay on ‘courage’. He wrote two words; “Chuck Norris”.
184) Chuck Norris once pissed on a baby and then they called the baby the golden child.
185) Chuck Norris is black from the waist down.
186) As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
187) Chuck norris once beat michael jordan in a basketball game soon after micheal tried playing baseball out of shame.
188) Chuck Norris was the one really crucified by the Romans, and reincarnated on Easter.
189) Chuck Norris has been struck by lightening 46 times. To celebrate his might, Chuck Norris beat God himself in an arm wrestling contest prior to beating him at thumb wrestling.
190) No one has ever made eye contact with Chuck Norris. Attempting to do so is asking for a roundhouse kick.
191) Chuck Norris was once drafted by the Arizona Cardinals. Chuck Norris had to be cut when it was clear to the coaches that Chuck Norris kept killing players during practice.
192) Chuck Norris had his Achilles Tendons surgically removed since they imply a source of weakness.
193) Chuck Norris can rhyme a word with ‘orange’. The word means ’roundhouse kick’ in badass.
194) Chuck Norris’ sperm are capable of flight. The frequently perform recon flights for the US military.
195) Chuck Norris does not value money. He instead pays for goods and services with the teeth of his enemies.
196) Chuck Norris was once asked why Walker Texas Ranger was cancelled. He immediately took off his shirt and started doing situps. There is no further information at this time.
197) Chuck Noriss only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
198) Chuck Norris once killed 182 people with only six bullets.
199) God himself has a Chuck Norris poster in his living room.
200) Chuck Norris can piss the entire declaration of independence in the snow.
201) When Chuck Norris used to go trick or treating with his son, he did not wear a costume, but would ring the door bell and wait while crouching in a position ready to attack. One time, an old woman opened the door and asked politely, “what are you supposed to be?” Naturally, Chuck was offended that the woman did not recognize his trademark face and proceeded to roundhouse kick her in the chest. After her body exploded with one kick, Chuck left the body, grabbed all of the candy, and fled. To this day, everyone in Chuck’s hometown leaves their Halloween candy outside in a bowl.
202) Chuck Norris once stumbled upon a website with random facts about himself. Although he was flattered, he sent an email to each person who submitted an untrue fact. Upon opening the email, a leather cowboy boot came through each computer screen and roundhouse kicked everyone within a 30 meter radius.
203) The Bible Belt is simply where illiterate Native Americans experienced the shock waves from a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, automatically learned to read, and immediately built churches and turned to the Holy Scriptures for spiritual comfort.
204) Had Chuck Norris played Neo in “The Matrix” series rather than Keanu Reeves, they would’ve found Zion halfway into the first movie.
205) Chuck Norris laughs in death’s face by skydiving without a parachute.
206) A class that all Navy Seals must pass teaches them to shout a Chuck Norris one liner before killing a terrorist.
207) The Titanic didn’t sink because it hit an iceberg…it sunk because it hit chuck norris while he was swimming laps.
208) Having Chuck Norris log on to your computer is the ultimate anti-virus.
209) chuck norris doesn’t have the reflexes of a cat…cats have the reflexes of chuck norris.
210) Chuck Norris was the 4th wiseman. He gave baby Jesus the gift of the beard. The other wiseman were so jealous they had Chuck excluded from the bible. Strangely, the other wiseman died of unknown roundhouse-kick related deaths.
211) Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man so hard that his fooot broke the speed of light and killed Emelia Earhardt over the pacific ocean.
212) Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK asassination deflecting all 3 bullets with his beard. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
213) Chuck norris is actually 857 years old but he gets a 35 days younger every time he roundhouse kicks someone in the face.
214) Chuck Norris steals pennies from Mall Fountains. Why? Cause he’s fucking Chuck Norris.
215) Chcuk Norris doesn’t watch paint dry he stares it down until it stops being wet.
216) When Chuck Norris drinks the water in Mexico the water gets sick.
217) Chcuk Norris once forgot to answer in the form of a question, Alex Trebek and the judges wear too afraid to correct him.
218) Chuck Norris “knows” what happened to DB COOPER!
219) Santa knows when Chuck Norris is awake, Chuck Norris knows when santa sleeping.
220) On the 2nd day god created chuck norris.
221) Someone once said your looking good to chuck norris, in return he roundhouse kicked him and said “good looks me, bitch.”
222) Chuck Norris doesn’t refer to his penis as Chuck Norris Jr. he refers to it as Chuck Norris Sr. because his penis is in fact 5 in. taller than Chuck Norris.
223) Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
224) Chuck Norris knows exactly what Don Vito trys to say.
225) If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
226) Chuck norrises penis has its own elbow which he uses to karate chop midgets.
227) Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
228) There really is a god. He’s just afraid that if He intervenes in human affairs again he’ll have to answer to Chuck Norris.
229) Chuck Norris never skiped class, class was always cancled.
230) Once a police officer pulled Chuck Norris over for speeding. The police officer walks up to the car and says “Guess how fast you were going?” Somehow Chuck Norris roundhouse kickes him in the face. Chuck Norris dosent guess he knows.
231) You know Chuck Norris means business, because hes listed on the stock exchange. His stockes are always up.
232) Chuck Norris is so manly he has no nipples.
233) If I had a dime for everytime Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked some one in the face, Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick me in the face and take my dimes.
234) There was once a rumour that Chuck Norris was beaten by a pirate… but in fact it was a rumour created by Chuck Norris to lure more pirates to him.
235) Once a blind man bumped into Chuck Norris on the street. Chuck said to the man “Do you know who I am?” I’m Chuck Norris”. The sheer mention of his name cured the man from blindness. Unfortunately the first, last, and only thing the man saw was the fatal roundhouse kick that chuck delivered.
236) When Chuck Norris chops onions they cry.
237) Chuck Norris drives a golf cart made of human skulls.
238) Chuck Norris is currently applying to be on the reality show Survivor..not as a contestant, but as the obsticle the contestants have to survive.
239) We never actually dropped an Atomic bomb on Japan. Instead Truman told Chuck Norris that the Japanese were planning to secretly shave his beard. Chuck volunteered to be dropped on Japan twice. When Chuck found out about the lie, he roundhouse kick Truman in is kidney. To cover up the incident, Truman’s staff invented to atomic bomb story and told the U.S. he suffered from polio.
240) Chuck Norris once got in an argument with his father. Instead of talking out their differences Chuck traveled back in time to 10 minutes before he was conceived. Killed his father with a devastating round house kick, then knocked up his mother himself.
241) If a train leaves Denver at 12:35, Chuck Norris will round house kick it by one.
242) When Chuck Norris Plays Monopoly he always passes Go and always collects 200 dollars.
243) Similar to Willie Wonka putting golden tickets in his candybars, Chuck Norris decided to place random pieces of fresh meat in ipod boxes across the country to mark the next vitcim of a roundhouse kick.
244) The square root of an ass kicking is Chuck Norris to the second power.
245) Beard plus four minus two equals Chuck. With a remainder Norris.
246) Gray hair is afraid to grow on Chuck Norris’ head.
247) The 9th Rule Of Fight Club………DO NOT talk about Chuck Norris.
248) What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.
249) Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”
250) When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
251) Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.
252) When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.
253) Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
254) Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
255) There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
256) Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don’t really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
257) The crossing lights in Chuck Norris’s home town say “Die slowly” and “die quickly”. They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
258) Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
259) When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
260) The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they’ll be the same thing.
261) Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
262) It is said that looking into Chuck Norris’ eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody’s future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
263) Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
264) We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
265) Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
266) Count from one to ten. That’s how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you…Fourty seven times.
267) Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
268) They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be “Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick.”
269) In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn’t chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
270) Chuck Norris’ pulse is measured on the richter scale.
271) For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more “Missing in Action” sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
272) Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
273) They wanted to put Chuck Norris on Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't tough enough for Chuck's beard.
274) Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
275) If a tree falls in a forest, does anybody hear it? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it.
276) There is no such thing as a lesbian. Only a woman who hasn't met Chuck Norris yet.
277) Chuck Norris was the model for Superman, but when he was asked to shave his beard he delivered a roundhouse kick that was “faster than a speeding bullet”, and “more powerful than a locomotive”.
278) Chuck Norris can talk and give round house kicks on msn without being online.
279) Chuck Norris caught the Road-Runner Wile E Coyote couldn’t……Then round housed kicked Wile E. in the face, said ” Beep Beep Mother-F’Nocker ” and took off in a cloud of diamond dust.
280) Chuck Norris lives in a haunted house and the ghosts tell stories about him.
281) Chuck Norris’ action figure has slept with more women then most men.
282) One day, Chuck Norris happened to cross the road, upon doing so, he was hit by a car. Moments later, the news flashed that Princess Diana died of a car crash.
283) On the side of Chuck Norris’ boot, it is written, “One kick to rule them all…”
284) The Terminator told Chuck Norris, “I’ll be back.” The Terminator never returned.
285) A movie about the life of Chuck Norris is being made. It will be called “Walker Texas Roundhouse Masacer.”
286) The sun rises in the east because Chuck Norris sleeps facing west.
287) There have actually been 5 intelligent species in the universe aside from humans, each capable of destroying the earth. Fortunately for us, each one of them pissed off Chuck Norris.
288) Chuck Norris can lick his own elbow.
289) Chuck Norris can make you lick your own elbow.
290) Chuck Norris is what’s eating Gilbert Grape.
291) Chuck Norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop.
292) Chuck Norris doesn’t have dandruff and head & shoulders has nothing to do with it.
293) Which came first, A) the chicken, or B) the egg. The answer is C) Chuck Norris.
294) Chuck Norris can eat just one Lays potato chip.
295) Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.
296) Chuck Norris read “War and Peace”. He liked the first half better.
297) Rick James once said “I’m Chuck Norris bitch!”. may he rest in piece.
298) There are no steroids in baseball. Only players that Chuck Norris has breathed on.
299) When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends in blank forms and only a picture of himself crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes. Ever.
More to come soon!
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