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Man? Myth? Hero.
Chris was forced to close his eyes, due to the
gleam disrupting the camera
On March 15, 1984, the angels erupted into
song, for in Herndon, VA, a child was born. Maureen Naquin became the
second most famous mother in history when little Chris, a 8 pound 6 ounce bundle
of perfection was delivered. Coincidentally, the effects of his birth were
felt throughout the world, as a stalemate concerning the adoption of the
Tanzanian Constitution was broken due to the sudden euphoria felt by every being
on earth. This child would go on to become one of the greatest members of
any society since the invention of history (which was once credited to Naquin.
This idea was quickly squashed when researches discovered history dating
thousands of years before his birth).
Naquin did many amazing and glorious things
throughout his life, some of which are outlined below...
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At the age of 6, Naquin discovered the
theory of relativity all on his own. Mistaken for a "brown cow standing
in a field", his mother threw the piece of paper away, all but erasing the
memory of Naquin being a child genius. |
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In the 3rd grade, Naquin wrote a paper on a
dog he had as a small boy. His teacher, Susan Miran submitted it to the
Pulitzer Association. It won the award, and his work is now compared to
the likes of "Great Expectations", "The Scarlet Letter" and "The Hardy Boys"
series. Susan Miran went on to become a best selling novelist, basing
her books on Naquin's little puppy. |
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On the day of his birth, Naquin's mother
was visited by God, NASCAR great Richard Petty and A.C. Slater from Saved By
The Bell. A fight broke out concerning who would be the first to kiss
young Chris, with Petty easily defeating God with a leg sweep. |
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When he was 14, Naquin was offered the
Nobel Prize for Physics, having broken the sound barrier using only brute
strength and a soap box derby car. He refused the award, citing that he
"simply got lucky". |
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At 16, Naquin's parents refused to buy him
his dream car, a 1967 ruby red Firebird, so he took matters into his own
hands. Funded by a loan from his local bank, Naquin bought 2500 shares
of stock in Pfizer, Inc, the makers of Viagra. The stock boomed shortly
thereafter, and Naquin was able to buy a ruby red jumbo jet instead, and
still, to this day, refuses to let his parents ride it. |
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After receiving a hair cut in July of 2001,
his barber was seen wearing pieces of Naquin's hair duct taped to his own bald
head. That same day, the barber won the Mega Millions lottery, was
proposed to by the Queen of England and saved an elderly couple from a fiery
bus accident. Naquin was quoted as saying "I didn't even know he was
bald". |
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In 1998, Chris was offered his own reality
TV show, tentatively titled "Chris Naquin Rocks", but the show never made it
off the ground due to Naquin breaking every camera lens with his crazy good
looks. He later offered another explanation, citing the cameras were
actually broken by mind bullets. The story is yet to be resolved. |
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As a senior at Herndon High School, Naquin
reportedly scored 487 goals in 15 games (a state record). Not wanting to
steal the limelight from his teammates, Chris broke into every building in the
state that held evidence of his feat. Armed with only white out and a
black sharpie, he changed 487 to 16, thus erasing virtually all memory of his
record-setting season. The story was broken by a reporter who broke into
Naquin's JMU residence, and heard the legend freestyle rapping in his sleep
about his senior year in high school. |
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Naquin did manage a short acting career,
appearing on 5 episodes of Zena: Warrior Princess in its 5th season. His
characters name was Mandu, the Half-Breed. He was removed from the show
after the 5th episode. ABC blamed the FCC for the unfortunate incident,
due to an overload of viewers. Below is an episode guide... |
| Episode Title |
Episode Description |
| "A Sticky Situation" |
Zena happens across a seemingly defenseless young man in the
woods stuck in a tar pit. The man, who turned out to be Mandu, the
Half-Breed, was simply bathing in the sticky black liquid. Embarrassed
Zena thought he was in danger, Mandu proceeded to breathe on the tar,
melting it and doing laps in the boiling liquid. Zena then joined him
for a swim. |
| "Strange Sensations" |
Zena and Mandu happen upon a magic wand in the badlands.
The wand is discovered to give the bearer unlimited powers. Mandu,
knocking Zena over with a flick of his wrist, examines the wand to discover
it is no more then the pencil he used to write his Pulitzer winning story.
The pencil absorbed Mandu (Naquins) magical powers, and was revered by all
cultures. |
| "A heart turns cold" |
Mandu, with his newfound wand, imprisons Hercules and Zena
in the core of the earth, tying them up with strands of his golden hair.
He then covers the earth's core with his cloak, burying the earth in a
frost. |
| "Boy, he's quick" |
Bored, Mandu decides to try and sprint around the equator in
less then 15 minutes. Making it in 7, he quickly discovers his feat
has sped up the earth's revolutions and rotations. Days are mere
minutes and Years become days. The problem is averted when he simple
runs back the way he came, slowing down the earths revolutions. He
also did 300 push-ups in Madagascar, settling the Earth back into its normal
orbit. |
| "A Man Removed" |
Mandu releases Zena and Hercules, as well as his cloak, and
stabs himself in the heart with his pencil/wand. Original scripts
called for Mandu to be taken out by a meteor, but it was discovered he could
not even be killed in fiction, and therefore had to take his own life. |
Some Articles on "The Man"
Genes
Unearthed
The article that lead
to the prime meridian being moved from his birthplace to Greenwich, England.
Scholars previously believed he was the spawn of God and Venus. The writer
of this article never wrote again, due to shame.
"The Man" Graduates
The brains of several
readers exploded after reading Naquin's quotes. Apparently, the
hemorrhaging began when trying to decipher whether Naquin, stating "It's all
gone by so fast", was talking about his high school career or everything when he
runs.
© Chris Naquin, 2005.
Can you feel it?
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