Turkey Day
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Liar [ it takes one to know one] by Taking Back Sunday
Topic: Home Sweet Hell

im a vegeterian so turkey day aint my fav holiday.  my whole family all chummed out together faking smiles so hard i was sure thier jaws would fall out. i felt like i was about to puke when they said grace. GIVE ME a Break! xmas turkey day easter and funerals are the only  days we pray on. what about the other 361 days of the year?!? anyway i pissed off my aunt in the first ten minutes. i was sitting down pissed b/c i couldn't smoke then my four year old cousin decides to start PRANCE down the hall. i am kinda amused and weirded out by this so i say " does he always act this enfiminte?" of

What I've been up to
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: "Uncle Fucker" by South Park
Topic: Ketchup
i have solved the old problem. i have and will have no one. (d) doesnt care for me. i hurt i left everyone and i am so alone it hurts somtimes. i write alot and try and hide. i dk i guess nowdays i am too tired to care about anything except surving. oh well. cant care about not caring. im gonna probably get a job and then move out of the hell im currently in.

my lifes so so the end bye

Sexuality
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: "Downtown" by Summer Rose
Topic: Just Thinking
I'm checking out the Kinsey Scale. It’s a scale of sexuality. I find it interesting. I took a test based on the Kinsey scale. My Results: “You got a 54% so you’re a 3.You’re equally heterosexual and homosexual. You are one of the few people who could be truly bisexual. Most people who are bisexual tend to lean more towards the men or the women." I think of myself more as a 2.5 but 3 is the best the test can do.
Here’s a couple of sexuality scales:
"Jen's Theory of Sexuality" http://www.outminds.com/outspoken/outspoken_column.cfm?cid=295
0-25: Straight. The higher the number, the more interested in the same sex, although it is still safe to say you're straight. Some experimentation may be involved.
26-40: Bi-Curious, with a lean towards the opposite sex. Perhaps you've had a crush on someone (or a few someones) of your sex and you question your sexuality.
41-60: Bisexual. Sexually attracted to members of both sexes. Your ratio from women to men will greatly depend on personal tastes.
61-75: Bi-Curious, with a lean towards the same sex. What we're usually dealing with at this stage is figuring out weather or not one is gay or lesbian, as opposed to purely bisexual.
76-85: Bisexual. Sexuality attracted to both sexes, your ratio will slant to the same sex. An attraction to the opposite sex is still present, although not as strongly felt.
86-100: Gay/Lesbian. Almost exclusively attracted to the same sex. Lower numbers may indicate some sexual relations or experimentation with the opposite sex, though your attraction is clearly with the same sex.

“The Kinsey Scale”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale
0 Exclusively heterosexual
1 Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
2 Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3 Equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5 Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
6 Exclusively homosexual
X Asexual

My Disclaimer
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: "Pretending" by H.I.M.
Topic: Explaining Myself
I had another human come look at this bared soul of mine on display right in front of your eyes. They said I sounded like I was having an affair with death. Those weren?t their exact words but that?s what I heard. Just to clarify everything for some idiot who stumbles here, I don?t advertise suicide. I think it?s idiotic because it?s final. The only reasons I ever feel suicidal is because my shoulders start to feel like their breaking from pressure and my mind is so full I?d like to empty it with a bullet. I still dent see it as a solution though I just get so overwhelmed by problems the only solution I see is immediate death but in death you can find no relief. I will admit sometimes it seems so tempting I look for a means to kill myself but when I sit and think about it I just slam my hand on the wall and start crying. I will admit it I cry. I crumble to the fucking floor and let my hate, confusion, and hurt come though as I cry. I hate the desperation that fills me. If I could I?d leave it but I can?t so I drop to the floor to let my emotions flow in teardrops. Then I wipe away the tears, stand up, and go on with my day. Now you know, I don?t grab a blade, do drugs, try and die, fight, or fuck, I just cry. Happy? I clarified it so I don?t get sued for some kid reading this shit and blowing his head off.

Thinking
Mood:  sad
Topic: Where I Am
This site has proven to be quite intresting.
I feel it is quite enlighting. It's nice to know the light still works in my lighthouse of hope.

Murder me. I Am Failure
Mood:  down
Topic: life today
I almost wish my existence was torture then I could at least somewhat understand why I feel so awful. Most of the time i'm so irritated and fidgety I just want to explode. I just allowed a couple of people to know about me being bisexual. I have known for a while but I have been chicken shit. No one really knew because of my fear. I am afraid of prejudice and people who say ?You?re not transgender. You?re just a confused little faggot.? Bastards do say that and more insulting things. I?ve known since around fifth grade but kept my mouth shut. I still have a major crush on Davey Havok of AFI. He is so good looking that when I saw him I knew I wasn?t as straight as I had thought I was. If you haven?t seen him, here is a bunch of pictures with him looking hot. He looks like a girly guy or a guy like girl. Another really hot guy would probably be Ville Valo from H.I.M. his voice is so fucking awesome too. He seems so mysterious and dark. Bam is also an all right looking dude. Bam and Ville seem so cool by themselves but those two together would make anyone melt.
Davey Havok

Ville Valo


Bam

Bam & Ville Valo

Bam & Ville Valo

Bam & Ville Valo

Honesty
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: life today



In all honesty I?m confused, really confused. Why does life have to be so fucking irritating? Some days I just want to blow my brains out because I?m scared. Decisions overwhelm me. My mind goes so fast all the time. I wish I could have One Fucking Second of Peace. I don?t want to use drugs, I don?t want to die, and I really don?t want to cut, but I want relief. I ask myself questions that keep me up late. I stare at the pages of work but they are as blank as I am. I stare at worksheets and yet there is no comprehension. My mind starts to race and I?m silently begging myself to just get through this block but I just stare. I feel so useless and frustrated I can?t stand my reflection. It literally sickens me to look in the mirror. I?ve failed myself. I hate this feeling but it doesn?t cease to exist just because I hate it. My feeling of emptiness is so sharp and there is nothing I can do to make it go away. I feel hopeless. Despair circles me and when I try to tear myself from it but it doesn?t go away. At night or when I?m just sitting my mind turns to the emptiness I can feel feelings of uselessness, sadness creeping in. I can see the ache coming and I can?t do a single thing about it! If that isn?t the most frustrating thing what is? Anger, hate, sadness, none of it gets me anywhere. I just don?t understand what I?m supposed to do and it tears me up. I feel like there isn?t an answer. The only release I get is my tears. Crying doesn?t solve anything but I have no other way of releasing every feeling. I can?t feel without crying. I feel like I just cry because I can?t do anything but cry. I?d give up if it weren?t for the people who care.

Bored
Mood:  spacey
As a kid I always wanted to be a pirate. To be honest I still do. In fact if I I could get real adventure I?d be a modern day pirate. My love for the idea of matching your wits against law and nature has never waned. Unfortunately reality long ago slapped me in the face with the knowledge that piracy no longer holds the danger and glamour it once held.

All Alone
Topic: so empty
I feel like I?m being crushed. I feel like every single event is my responsibility. I look at my family and my love for them is suffocating but they leave me so empty. I am stuck as a protector, and the peacemaker. Where is my break? I feel every single inking of pain that anyone emits and it drives me insane. I feel it and so I feel I have to fix it. I don?t have the energy to save myself or anybody else. I feel so drained. My life is pretty good compared to a lot of lives but I hate the pain in it. I can deal with it I guess but it hurts and I wish it didn?t.

How I Feel on the Shitty Days
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: " He Who Laughs Last" by A.F.I.
Topic: Shitty Days
Humanity fills me with disgust. I am well aware I too am a part of humanity so leave me alone. I hate humanity is because of the pitiful excuse for humans that search for mistakes, a damn parasitic fuckers who feeding off imperfection, the tyrants the soapbox losers the try to hard and fucking followers. I hate them because they’re all an excuse, a joke, fucking funny scared bitches who feel so shitty they got to go around making all of us miserable. I have died and I steal the life from others making me a vampire. I plunder human's innocence and happiness making me a pirate.

Bored
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: "Square Dance" by Eminiem
I like The Nightmare Before Christmas because I feel as though I can relate to the main character Jack Skellington. His struggle for something he can?t find that ends exactly where he began is parallel to my life in many ways.

Song Lyrics to Soap Box Derby
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: "Soap Box Derby" by A.F.I.
Topic: A Good Song
I'm not angry,
I'm just amused at your quest for attention
Through your self abuse.
The only response that you get for your pleas is sorely
Less than sympathy.
What reason is there to be alive?
When the word is against you how can you survive?
All your friends are apathetic at best,
And your entire life is a total mess.
Give it a fuckin' rest!
You can't, you can't, feel me, feel,
I'm scarred so deep.
No one could ever need me.
Could you please leave me alone?
I'm sorry to hear that your world's sinking fast
And you've lost your stable ground
And I'm sorry to add to your disappointment,
But I won't be brought down.
I'm not angry,
I'm just amused at all the dramatics you love to use,
But one thing I have noticed that is strange to me is
That you're not happy till you're unhappy,
And you're always so alone because you can't be found.
You're soul is black and you're filled with hate.
How much more can you possible take?
Give me a fuckin' break!
You can't, you can't, feel me, feel,
I'm scarred so deep.
No one could ever need me.
Could you please leave me alone?
You can't, you can't, feel me, feel,
I'm scarred so deep.
No one could ever need me.
Could you please leave me alone?
I'm sorry to hear that your world's sinking fast
And you've lost your stable ground
And I'm sorry to add to your disappointment,
But I won't be brought down.

Lost
Mood:  don't ask
I want to set the world on fire. The letters arranged in sentences in my textbooks have answers but no matter how desperately I search for them they still remain elusive. Oh why is everything out of focused? Why can?t I comprehend anything today? I see my teacher?s words pouring from her lips but no sound can reach me. I?m begging for help. I?m falling into a pit of despair. I find nothing. No one. I get so angry so filled with frustration. . I? m burning inside, and shaking noticeably. Someone attempts to make contact but I cannot form words.. Help! I shout slowly sinking into darkness. I begin to pray but I remember there is nothing to hear me. Why can?t I function? I?m unsure and lost all, all around me tread other people. They yell, they laugh, they point. Stop taunting me I silently plead! My anger just grows nurtured by their scorn. Fools! I sit here staring insanity in face and people still mock me! If this fog over my senses doesn?t leave, I will be in snug straightjacket before I?m twenty.

Wondering all kinds of things......
Mood:  lyrical
Now Playing: puddle of mudd
Topic: confusion
Fickle society you’re so full of your demons. Go ahead mock me! Spit your deception! Hell, I don’t care anymore. Desensitized ‘cause after all this time I have existed I now realize how most of this existence is just an empty masquerade. I shall show my contempt for the blind bootlickers and unfeeling tyrants. I want to scream my mind, blasting my thoughts to all you that come along for the ride to my little maze of a head. If you don’t what to be seen or identified hide behind a mask. Everyone hides inside his or her masks in a masquerade. They dance, talk, drink, playing this game of distraction. Together they pretend and everyone is so happy hiding and no one takes their mask off. But don’t forget down inside every participant lies a mischievous malignant instinct lies the deep desire is to find and expose those around them. You want to pull off the masks of others. It’s growing, festering slowly dying. Oops! All of a sudden your leash is broken and your demon of truth is out. He’ll grab someone’s precious mask of lies. Watch him rip the mask off a little scared individual exposing them. The thundering laughs and humiliating looks spread like wildfire, and that my friend is our very own empty masquerade.Think what you want, if it’s true to you it’s as real as everything else.

A Thought on Reality
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: "Bwomp" by Mushroomhead
No one is staring from the clouds to make sure I?ll be okay. Everything I have been through has taught me that reality is what you make it. All beliefs that are held become truth. This seems contradicting but truth is a fluid concept. The truth you live by becomes real through you. Therefore the ?truth? now real to you is real and if something is real is it not part of reality? This is not as confusing as it may seem at first but this proves to be simple and true if you believe it. For example, if you say to yourself ?This life is not so bad because ?god? is going to help.? This "god? you?re referring to doesn?t have to exist because you just created the comfort you?d find in ?god?. You in fact are your ?god ? because honestly you helped yourself get through the day by treating ?god? and his comfort real. You treat ?god? real and suddenly the good he'd be able to do if he exist is done and if he does not exist the work is still done! It is almost too unreal and insane to comprehend, but it proves to be true to me! See truth is all about your idea of truth and your faith in your truth. You create your entire reality in a way. This information, if believed, can be enlightening and burdening. This belief makes everyone responsible for his or her own fate. This responsibility most people choose not to want. Instead they blame the car, bills, their government, and tons of other bullshit. I wish they?d stand up, grow some balls, and take responsibility for their actions. Don?t get me wrong some days I find responsibility hard to accept. I am like any selfish human; I don?t want to point the finger at myself and say,? Yes it's my fault.? I just want to blame my mom, childhood or any other thing that pops into my head. I?m hypocritical person who knows everything he gets pissed at is in him. I know I?m what I hate.