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Schoolie Taxonomy & Societal Structure



Superficially, the Schoolie herd appears to be one species living in a relatively simplistic society. Further inspection, however, reveals a variety of complex relationships and various taxonomic permutations:

The Schoolie kingdom divides into two general classes: the Commuter Schoolie and the Resident Schoolie. As the titles reveal, the former lives in the Potsdam area and commutes to classes, whereas the latter lives on-campus. Aside from the place of residence, there are no other differences.

Within each class, there are several orders and families. For example, there are Chameleon Schoolies who are able to blend into non-Schoolie crowds and undermine normal society from within. The Super Schoolies comprise another family; the menacing individuals belonging to this group make even other Schoolies appear to be slackers and underachievers.

Within each family, there are individual Schoolie species that are differentiated by defining, phenotypic expressions. For example, at present there is a Giraffe Schoolie (Giraffus longneckus) and a Pig Schoolie (Obesius fatti) who logically ressemble the animal after which they are named. Such defining characteristics must be learned by extensive field work before one may identify an individual Schoolie with skill.


Societal Structure

The relationships that exist in the Schoolie society are even more complex than the taxonomic identification by which each is identified. A heirarchy exists, shaped by the defining characteristics of each species mentioned above. At the top is the reigning queen, Nadeeka, who will be discussed on an entire page dedicated to her. (Visit it here) The Schoolie aristocracy composed primarily of Super Schoolies lies beneath her; these super students are hyperactive mutants whose defining behavioral characteristics will be explained forthwith.

At the bottom of the Schoolie social order are the defective ones whose scholastic and intellectual capacity falls far beneath that of most typical, non-Schoolie students. These outcasts, of course, remain in this position for as long as they do not meet the pre-established standards of the Schoolie society. They cease being pariahs when their GPA returns to 3.8 or higher or when they score the highest possible grade on a difficult exam, e.g., a 100 on a chem exam with a mean score of 55.

Those Schoolies who do not fall in the Aristocracy or Untouchable castes as most of them do not exist in intermediate social classes, distinguished usually by areas of academic concentration, by grades, and by other accomplishments. Due to the intrinsic differences that exist between species, social mobility and as a result instability exist in the Schoolie World. An aristrocratic Schoolie can quickly fall to the bottom with one abysmal grade, and vice versa.


Schoolie Behavior

Schoolie species are not only distinguished by phenotype, but by behavior as well. Super Schoolies can be identified by such behaviors as sitting in the front row in the same seats in each lecture hall. If displaced from these seats, they display a disgruntled scowl which remains for as long as they are not in their desired seats. Other behaviors characteristic of Super Schoolies include compulsive studying, e.g., studying for an exam weeks in advance, and excessive over-achievement and participation.

Schoolies generally travel in herds ranging in size from three to upwards of ten. If passed by a herd, it is best to curl in a ball on the ground and pray that you survive the stampede. Remember: they are determined and are not above destroying anything that lies in their path. Knowledge of other Schoolie behaviors must be learned by experience, as the majority of behaviors by which inidividual Schoolie species are distinguished is composed of indiosyncracies and differences are frequently minute.


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