Schoolie Taxonomy
& Societal Structure
Taxonomy
Superficially, the
Schoolie herd appears to be one species living in a relatively simplistic
society. Further inspection, however, reveals
a variety of complex relationships and various taxonomic permutations:
The Schoolie kingdom
divides into two general classes: the Commuter Schoolie and the Resident
Schoolie. As the titles reveal, the
former lives in the Potsdam area and commutes to classes, whereas the latter
lives on-campus. Aside from the place of
residence, there are no other differences.
Within each class,
there are several orders and families.
For example, there are Chameleon Schoolies who are able to blend into
non-Schoolie crowds and undermine normal society from within. The Super Schoolies comprise another family;
the menacing individuals belonging to this group make even other Schoolies
appear to be slackers and underachievers.
Within each family,
there are individual Schoolie species that are differentiated by defining,
phenotypic expressions. For example, at present there is a Giraffe Schoolie (Giraffus longneckus) and a Pig Schoolie
(Obesius fatti) who logically
ressemble the animal after which they are named. Such defining characteristics must be learned
by extensive field work before one may identify an individual Schoolie with
skill.
Societal Structure
The relationships that
exist in the Schoolie society are even more complex than the taxonomic
identification by which each is identified.
A heirarchy exists, shaped by the defining characteristics of each
species mentioned above. At the top is
the reigning queen, Nadeeka, who will be discussed on an entire page dedicated
to her. (Visit it here) The Schoolie aristocracy – composed primarily
of Super Schoolies – lies beneath her; these super students are hyperactive
mutants whose defining behavioral characteristics will be explained
forthwith.
At the bottom of the
Schoolie social order are the defective ones whose scholastic and intellectual
capacity falls far beneath that of most typical, non-Schoolie students. These outcasts, of course, remain in this position
for as long as they do not meet the pre-established standards of the Schoolie
society. They cease being pariahs when
their GPA returns to 3.8 or higher or when they score the highest possible
grade on a difficult exam, e.g., a
100 on a chem exam with a mean score of 55.
Those Schoolies who do
not fall in the Aristocracy or Untouchable castes – as most of them do not –
exist in intermediate social classes, distinguished usually by areas of
academic concentration, by grades, and by other accomplishments. Due to the intrinsic differences that exist
between species, social mobility and – as a result – instability exist in the
Schoolie World. An aristrocratic
Schoolie can quickly fall to the bottom with one abysmal grade, and vice versa.
Schoolie Behavior
Schoolie species are
not only distinguished by phenotype, but by behavior as well. Super Schoolies can be identified by such
behaviors as sitting in the front row – in the same seats – in each lecture
hall. If displaced from these seats,
they display a disgruntled scowl which remains for as long as they are not in
their desired seats. Other behaviors
characteristic of Super Schoolies include compulsive studying, e.g., studying for an exam weeks in
advance, and excessive over-achievement and participation.
Schoolies generally
travel in herds ranging in size from three to upwards of ten. If passed by a herd, it is best to curl in a
ball on the ground and pray that you survive the stampede. Remember: they are determined and are not
above destroying anything that lies in their path. Knowledge of other Schoolie behaviors must be
learned by experience, as the majority of behaviors by which inidividual
Schoolie species are distinguished is composed of indiosyncracies and differences
are frequently minute.
