Time: 09:02 pm. May 30th 2003
Mood: Mixed Emotions
Music: Play 'I Must Not Chase The Boys'

Yea, yea haven't updated in wayyy over a month but its not like you care eh? yea, I didn't think so...but here we go start off at square one i guess *yawn* What has happened over the past month. Well actually a lot of good and yet still some bad sooo here we go, exciting isn't it? Yea...thats what i thought.

So, it's been 7 months and i can finally say that I am completely over Scott, he still tries to make me feel like crap but i think hes starting to get it through his head that i really don't care whether im around him or not, hes just there...i think deep down hes pissed about it because whenever he gets a litle chance he takes a mile of it and comes up with the best insults he an get but they dont bother me, its funny really im still nice to the kid after all the torment he put me through. Like i was eating nachos and like i offered TiAnna and Frank some and i asked him if he wanted some and he said No Thanks...let me just say i was very surprised and then i said something like Ok ill eat em all myself and Scott had his chance and he took it and ran with it saying Wow she's eating and i just looked at him giggled and said Yea I do it all the time. What he says doesn't bother me anymore and i couldnt be happier about that. As Jordan used to say...Yay for me..

I can also say im completely over Chris. I dunno how it happened he just like pissed me off and i just thought to myself, "What the hell am I doing? Why do I always forgive him? In the long run all it is going to acomplish is him treating me like shit again and then me running back to him so whats the point of always getting hurt?...hes an asshole and plain and simple I dont care about him at all...I literally hate him and i wouldnt care if I never saw him again. He probably thinks it bothers me that im not talking to him, if it did i woulda came back to him already now wouldn't I have? All he is is an irritation and just causes me a lot of grief, it just took me a while to realize I dont need to put up with that shit. Hes just some kid who is just full of petty lying bullshit which is a waste of my time. Ill never realize why I let guys do to me what they do. Its always they are the biggest sweethearts then i go hook line and sinker and then they try to manipulate me to prove how powerful the male species is to the female species. Funny thing is, none of the guys i ever like are that cute...so why dont i just walk away? Dont ask me cuz i dont fucking know.

Anyway May 17th was the wedding reception which Im sure you all have heard about because I cant fucking shut up about it...I cant help it tho I had soo much fun there. Its kind of ironic that i would because before we left I told my friend Nikki that it was going to be boring and i didnt wanna go but it really wasnt it really turned out to be one of the best nights of my life. Hmm...Lets see it was me, my cousin Michael, His fiancee Jessica, my sister Nikki and my cousin Katie all sitting there and then i see my aunt (Mikes mom) talking to a kid about my age...i leaned over to nikki and i was like "Whos that hot guy Aunt Debbies talking to" Well then my aunt brings him over and introduces us to him a kid she nannied ever since he was a baby. WTF! Why have i never met him!? *sighs* Well yea anyway, his name is Frances (no laugh, lotasa hot guys named Frances like Frances from Malcolm in the Middle mmm...*drools* ) but we call him Frankie, after all its his nickname and all lol But i did make one mistake though, i told my cousin Michael that I liked him Why Brooke WHY!!!! Well, yea I get up to refill my pop and mike told Frankie i liked him! ugh.. nikki was like "ohhh mike, Brookes gonna kill you" and he said "well how she gonna know?" Uh...Easy! Your fiancee told me you meanie!! It wasnt a bad thing though because when i went to yell at my cousin he told me Frankie said I was puuurdy :) so i was basically on a high all night after that flirting and drinking with Frankie. Yes, open bar, free beer and they were givin it underage Vodka and Cranberry Juice *mm...sooo good* and I also took Miks beer and chugged it, which was hella fun! Frankie offered me shots and shit omg...i had soo much fun with him. Then Katie begged me to dance with her i kept telling her no but then the "doggy dance song" as i refer to it came on and i couldnt resist to do the doggy dance for it so i was doing it, then my cousin started doing it, then my sister then the bride herself i was like, wow, i start trends lol! although my dancing sorta got me in trouble because i dance...well...provacatively and Katies moms boyfriend had the fucking nerve to yell at me Ugh i hate him i was sooo half tempted to say "yea im glad im not your fucking daughter, what right do you have to critisize what i do, you're not my father so dont scold me, its not your place" Ok, if my mom had a problem with it, she woulda said something but she knew i was having fun. Asshole...The other bad thing is that my sister asked Frankie to dance RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME She asked him, and she denies asking him, um...yea you did I was right there, granted it was cause Katie liked Frankies brother but still...no need to lie about it, when i was walking by when she did it! Well, before i go i\on heres a pic of Frankie Click here I Like Him SOOOOOO MUCH! Hes on the far right :p Anyway...my sister always pulls that shit so i guess in a way im used to it I mean she did it with another guy so it figures she would do it again...i guess maybe she does it to show me how much better she thinks she is than me like with Adam...i had the biggest crush on him and she hated him...when he asked her out she supposedly hated him and she says yes, which i personally think was to spite me! but anyway they dated for like a week and when they broke up she acted like he was some big asshole, im sorry but when he constantly puts you down and does shit intentionally to piss you off and make you cry for no purpose but to know hes getting to you for months you have no place to say it! Actually after they broke up he couldnt possibly be an asshole to her since shes too fucking pussy to go to the place he works to talk to our other friends because he might be there which is fine with me because now we used to just joke now we have more serious talks probably cause shes not around he can talk to me now i dunno, i cant wait till he comes back in town from college in Florida this summer then i can visit him and no doubt my sister will still be too puss to go up there seeing as once you say the name Adam she gives you dirty looks well, ADAM ADAM ADAM! i dont care, really, i like him hes a cool guy but anyway herehe is this is like from a year and a half ago i think but he still looked the same when he left last summer Click here Well I have to go now, soooo have fun. Im not done yet ill write more tomorrow!

By the way I played Mash online and this is what i got:

You will live in Apartment.
You will drive a black Stratus.
You will marry Frances and have 1 kids.
You will be a Nurse in Cali.

Talk about fate hehe! well anyway play Mash here

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Time: 03:38 pm. April 9th 2003
Mood: Depressed
Music: Shakira Tu

Hey people...how are you all doing? I hope your lives are going better than mine cause mine has sucked. I know it's been almost a week since i last updated but now's as good a time as any to introduce Scott to you I guess. You see...Scott's what most call their first love. He was my first real boyfriend and made me feel beautiful when I dated him. He's the only person that actually makes me feel truly happy as corny as that sounds it's true. Anyway we got together way back in October...heh...the 18th to be exact. The last home football game, against Green...*sigh* Technically we weren't together for the game because I dunno how it was he like reall liked me but thought i'd say no if he asked me out or whatever...so yes after lots and lots of my friends asking me if i'd go out with him if he asked and lots of flirting...he asked me out right at the end of the game. I of course said yes cause I liked him too...He was the sweetest guy I had ever met and at the Aftergame Dance he said the best things to me. I can't tell you how happy i was to be in his arms . Throughout that whole game howeveer he made me feel worthy of someone...was incredibly sweet and heh...dropped me on the concrete and slit open my chin hehe I told him i never wanted to talk to him again and he sat down againt the gate with his head down and basically got depressed...that's how much he liked me at the time. Anyway he gave me my first real kiss(es)abnd for the first time i felt like i was wanted after a whole blow-out with Dan whoa...I wasn't at best with guys but Scott changed all that and he told me when i asked him whta our friends would think I don't care what they think I ve Liked You And Now That I have You Im Not Letting You Go...*smiles*...anyway over the weekend was Sweetests Day and i was sooo happy I had a sweetie and supposedly...since my phone number isnt listed in the phone book he asked my friend for my number like all weekend...*sigh* Then....school...meaning Chris... yea Chris is like his best friend who hates me...don't know why, he just does. I don't know I guess he like screamed at Scott when he found out then he had MY FRIEND dump me for him 'cause he was too chicken to do it I really don't think he wanted to do it but Chris had scared him with threats I don't know what exactly happened but then i talked to him about it and he called me Anorexic...i mean god! Me Anorexic? God, I eat all the fucking time! But yea, I blame Chris for the break-up Although he denies anything I know it was him and everyone does too...I was in love and my heart was broken in those stupid hallways. At the time I didn't think I cared but when I got home I cried and cried...I just couldn't stop and then Scott treated well he still does he treats me like shit...makes me cry almost every night still...I still love him even after everything and he complains to people no one loves him but why can't he just open his fucking eyes because I love him and I would be there for him through thick and thin hell I already have and what do i get...nothing in return. I know he still has those feelings for me he just can't open 'em cause he's too afraid but hey he's doing well for himself gots himself a girlfriend and all I wish him well though I knw he belongs with me I feel like so unloved...so used and dirty and Im in love with one of the only people I know I cant have because I would give him my world..the funny rthing is...when I started liking Chris he seemed kinda jealous he wouldwalk up to my friends and say "So Brooke loves someone new" all sad and shit but he never could talk to me unless he was mean...he takes pleasure out of my pain and through all of it I still love him.

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Time: 10:12 pm. April 3rd 2003
Mood: Extremely Pissed Off
Music: Kelly Clarkson Just Missed The Train

Tsk, tsk, tsk time for another exciting journal entry spanning over things that hav been on my mind in 24 hours and on the recent...mind-boggling happenings...so anyway yea. Let's start off with this Michelle-Me-Kris-Halle scandal thing going on. I must say I was very wrong about whatever I said in my last entry because it's apparent that Michelle seems to be the one backstabbing and conniving all of us. It hurts me soo bad though to know that my best friend the one that knows everything that I am so close to...would do something like this to me ya know? It also hurts to overread all the nasty things I said about Halle in my last entry knowing that she's an innocent victim as am I. So Halle hun if you are reading this Im sorry for making those comments. I was just mad. Anyway me and Halle plan to have a long talk on Monday on the bus which is best probably because i need to talk to her about it. All this crap really stresses me out I cant believe she would have the nerve to do this...I mean she's supposed to be my best friend and look what she does...not like it hasn't happened before...but she's always done something to make me forgive her that i hear from people who don't like her like one time she stood up for me in a group of guys making fun of me and that showed friendship cuz she lovvvveeess the guys and I dunno...a part of me will always want to be best friends with her but I just don't know if I can let myself take us to that degree again.

Anyway I have been thinking to myself lately about family and the effects that my dysfunctional family has on me. Granted some may have it worse than me, it doesn't get much worse than it. I know that may sound pretty cynical but none of you live behind these walls and go through what I go through to possibly comprehend what actually goes on in my family life. I'll try my best to fill you in on it. I live in a screwed up 4-person household. Not a home, not a family well at least not a real family. My dad left when I was 2 and then my mom remarried when I was three I personally say it was the rebound anyway they lasted for about 5 months or so and the man became abusive...my mom doesn't like his name brought up much though. She claims it was a bad choice but really...how do you know people until you ghet in that serious? I mean there's no possible way to read someones true colors until theres a major connection to them like marriage...a kid or even a house. Anyway after that divorce we kinda stayed out of the eye of men she didn't date much until when I was in Kindergarten my mom started dating...him. Then he moves in. All was good for a while then in second grade we moved to where I currently live then everything just went downhill. The man became verbally and emotionally abusive towards me my mother and my sister. It's basically a recurring cycle though it has turned physical when it's me and him...Ive told my mom and she doesn't believe me till they are in one of their big fights which really irks me. Theres a fight in my house everyday and when we are all ignoring each other he always looks at me when Im walking in the living room and gives me some smart-allick remark like. "Oh look Brooke you fucked up me and your mom's relationship again" Im not gonna lie I sit there and i talk back to him I dont care I dont let him phase me I set him straight like when he said that the last time...when we left the house i was walking out the door but i turned around looked him straight in the face and said "that's bullshit you did everything yourself" My mom yells at me but who is gonna stand up to him? Yea me and Nikki intagonize but it always leads to a big fight between him and my mother him placing the blame on us...knowingly Im sorry but he knows it's his deep down. It's been this way for the 9 years we lived in this house and he's sucked up all my mother's money and left us with nothing so he knows we can't leave as much as my mom wants to we can't so we have to live with this being under our skins. I mean how do you think it feels walking on pins and needles all the time hoping that when he gets home you're not alone or since you are alone you are hoping he had a good day because im telling you this guy gets set off at everything. I called my mother once at work for a check-up (ive almost been kidnapped b4 walking up my driveway so i have to call her afterschool now) and it was in one of his bad days where he was basically screaming at us the second he got home and then he looked at my sister in the kitchen and said "WHAT THE FUCK IS UR SISTER DOING ON THE PHONE" my siter just looked at him and said "She's calling mom" then he was "WHY THE FUCK IS SHE DOING THAT" and nikki's like "I dont know does she need a reason to call her own mother?" Well my moms office machine clicked so i told her to call me and the guy came back in my room and hes like "You're grounded from the phone ya stupid fucking bitch!" and I just looked at him and then he was like "Why the fuck were you calling your mother" and I looked at him again and said "She likes to check up and I had to ask her something" and he looked at m,e really evilly and said "ASK ME" and im like "Well, I was gonna ask mom what time Sam could come over since she said she could" and he just exploded "SHES NOT FUCKING COMING OVER ALL YOUR FUCKING PRIVELIGES ARE STRIPPED YOU'RE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT AND WORTH TO ME IS ONLY BY IRRITATION NOW WHEN YOU ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING AROUND HERE MAYBE YOU'LL GET SOME OF YOUR PRIVELIGES BACK" Oh and Im not getting into anything else that happened that night it's too strong but nothing can express the hatred I have for this man. He physically threw me by my hair onto the couch and twisted my arm while pushingmy head into the wall staring at me yelling at me for FOLDING CLOTHES i was folding HIS fucking laundry! keep in mind this guy's huge and im lanky and 110 lbs. But I was FOLDING LAUNDRY and because I didn't get up to get him something I was wrong. And believe me when I said the guy goes off for no reason I mean it because he told me to get him the remote and i was alllll the way at the other end of the house and i walk over to the entrance to the living room and the remote is sitting two feet from him...yes hes the most lazy person I have ever met..I just gave him a look and said Get it yourself and walked away spawning a huge argument because hes lazy but yet Im the laziest person in theworld go figure.

Anyway...that's enough for you to take in for now ill talk more about other family incidents (ah yes there are many many more i told you it happens almost everyday) and a couple things I think you need to know about a guy named Scott tomorrow.

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Time: 4:52 pm. April 2nd 2003
Mood: Pissed Off
Music: Linkin Park Somewhere I Belong

You know I decided to start now...I think that would be best though because Im feeling mixed up about a few certain things right now. Im in the middle of the worst Spring Break I have ever had. I thinks its bullshit though 'cause personally after this experience I never want another Spring Break again becauise Im fucking sick and for all intensive purposes Ive lost three friends which really pisses me off. Well, I mean i never talk to one of them I guess you could say that she never really was a good friend bitching at me with the bullshit problems of her life and I just dont feel like talking to her much anymore which I guess I dont have to worry about right? Since the nosy bitch read my best friend Michelle's journal which said PERSONAL shit that she has no business knowing. Sure it may have had something about her in it but excuse me does that give her the right to read a personal journal!? I dont think so. Then she has the nerve to instant message me and say this bullshit saying Michelle told her all the stuff when she was at her house so me being the smart one calls Michelle who tells me kinda a far-fetched story saying that the bitch was at her house and she read her journal but I honestly believe the girl would do something like that. Well...all i have to say is that you know Halle...you dont know any of that bullshit thats going on so keep your nose outta shit that it doesnt belong. If I wanted Michelle to break you and Kris up...then believe me with all the dirt I have on you it woulda been done already but no I didn't and you arent gonna believe this but it was Michelles idea all in the beginning and I just went along with it but believe me if we really wanted to do it then it would have been done already. But its you with your nosiness that screws up your relationship with me AND your relationship with Michelle because yea Michelle didn't like you much before but now shes fucking pissed to hell at you for reading her journal. God why dont you mind your own business but you obviously can't...hn trust me this is far from over because Im sure you went and whined to Kris about it making him pissed at me and now we aren't friends anymore probably and thats all YOUR fault which ur just prolly sooo incredibly happy about eh? Well, congrats hunny you finally prevented us from being friends but you know what else...Kris was one of my friends and you fucked that up...so trust me you are gonna end up getting fucked up as well. Trust me, Im not letting you cost me one of my friends without anything happening in the end to you. You'll pay, trust me you will.

Anyway...new subject, that bitch ugh...I just don't wanna talk about her or to her or just let's not go ther but i did im her she was too big of a puss to write back...fucking bitch! Anyway...I dont know Im actually getting over my sickness finally! I know it's like ur supposed to be having fun party on it's spring break but little Brookie is stuck in her house on the computer cuz shes sick. I had a little Hyperventilation scare yetserday and it was hard for me to breathe but I got through it with help from Sam and Suz thankies. Thats sooo scary you feel like you are gonna die and I kept coughing while i tried to breathe cuz I was sick...FUCK SICKNESS i HAVE SAID IT BEFORE AND IMMA SAY IT AGAIN its retarded and I dont see the need for it. Its gay...anyway back to what I was saying...it was sooo scary the perfect way to end off that shit day I had yesterday by almost dying...*rolls eyes* note the sarcasm here. Life sux Ive figured that one out a while ago...its prolly a recurring cycle for me. I dont think Ive had a good day this fucking year. Stress is gay and its finally gfetting to me causing hyperventilation...God just loves me this year dont he? That probably was one of the scariest things that has ever happened to me though I thought i was gonna pass out or die or something. I dont wish that to happen to anyone. But yea people suck Spring Break sux...Im just one big fucking ray of sunshine arent I? Im fucking pissed off today...UGH! God! People stress me out so bad that I like...almost die here and whats the apprecation i get for caring that much? They like continue to treat me like shit hm...maybe next time it'll actually kill me and if I do die ill be sure to make it known just WHO was the reason and Im sure they know who they are because heh...well yea Im outy for now.

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Time: 4:48 pm. April 2nd 2003
Mood: Excited
Music: Stacie Orrico Stuck

Alright guys This is my own personal journal. For one, me and Suz were bored so we did this lol. But also this is someting I have wanted to do for a while now because I really need to find a way to express my feelings without people in my family getting into the middle of my business. I'm sick of having write-in journals 'cause they always get lost and my nosy family always end up reading 'em So anyway...thats the jyst of muh new journal. Ain't it purdy?? I think so :) Anyway here's my journal enjoy.