Lord of the Millenium Items – The Two Pyramids (a Yu-Gi-Oh parody of Lord of the Rings)
Written by Naomi
Author's Notes- I’M NOT DEAD YET! XP Quite the contrary, I’m very much alive. After a quick peek in the guest book here at Crayon Vision, I realized that I actually had fans of this stupid little fic o.o; How odd. But that’s okay! I’m here to settle all of your Lord of the Millenium Items needs! ^^ As always, I don’t own Yu-Gi-Oh OR Lord of the Rings. I don’t own C.J or Makoré either. I own Naomi. Yep. E-mail me at CardCaptor505@aol.com if you have anything to say o_o
Oh, and on a minor note, the Orcs and Uruk-Hai have now been cast as Rare Hunters! XD Lovely!
Thank you Jessie for the space on Crayon Vision! ^^
Chapter One – WE RETURN TO J00! XP
Naomi: Okay now! Quiet on the set! *looks around and makes sure that everything is in place* All right! Take one of Lord of the Millenium Items – The Two Pyramids, ready… and action!
*scene opens to a dream-type scene with Pegasus fighting the gigantic Balrog… again*
Pegasus: You cannot pass! For the sake of my darling Frodo-boy, I will protect him from you!
Yugi: *looks at his script* Didn’t we do this already, Naomi?
Naomi: Be quiet, Yugi! This is just a dream scene!
Pegasus: If this is a dream, that means that I can fly! *leaps off of the bridge of Khazad-Dum and past the Balrog, singing* Fly into your SOOOOOOUL! *his voice echoes as he falls into the abyss*
Naomi: …
Yugi: o.o;
Balrog: Um… okay. *walks away*
*the dream abruptly comes to an end and Yugi bolts up from his rocky bed on the side of Mordor*
Joey: Are you all right Yug- I mean, Mr. Frodo?
Yugi: o.o I just had a weird dream about Pegasus… he was singing ‘fly into your soul’…
Joey: You’re right. That *is* weird.
*Yugi and Joey continue to walk on the mountain to see a badly crayoned volcano erupting with crayon magma in the distance*
Yugi: Naomi…
Naomi: Don’t look at me! It was Jessie’s idea!
Jessie: *holds up her crayons and grins*
Yugi: *closes his eyes and the Eye of Sauron is briefly shown*
Yami Malik: I SEE YOU!!!
Joey: *pushes Yami Malik away, sending the possessed one tumbling down the side of the mountain* Frodo? … it’s the Puzzle, isn’t it?
Yugi: *sighs and looks back at Joey* It’s getting heavier… what food do we have left?
Joey: Well, let me see… *looks in his pack. A few Mai pictures fall out of it* Oh…. ahem, we have Lambas bread. *stuffs a whole slice of bread into his mouth and tosses one to Yugi. After a second of chewing, his face turns sour and he spits the bread out* What the hell is that thing made of?!
C.J: *snickers* You don’t want to know…
Joey: *his face turns green as he runs down the mountainside. Vomiting noises are heard soon after*
Yugi: Ewwww! *tosses his Lambas bread over his shoulder, hitting Yami Malik with it in the face, knocking the insane spirit down the mountain again*
*the scene changes to Yugi and Joey walking… again*
Joey: This place looks familiar…
Yugi: That’s because we’ve been here before! We’re going in circles!
Joey: Hey, don’t blame me! I can’t read a thing that Naomi wrote down on this ‘map’ of hers!
Naomi: HEY!
Joey: *inhales and suddenly gags* What the heck is that horrible smell?!
Yugi: Don’t look at me, *I* didn’t have Mexican before the movie!
Joey: *grins sheepishly and continues to walk*
*the scene changes. It is now nighttime and the two ‘Hobbits’ are sleeping. A dark figure crawls on the rocks and hisses in the night air*
Weevil: *whines* I’m... so… cold! *clings to his loin cloth as if it were some kind of life-support*
Naomi: Hurry up and say your lines! *smiles* I’ll give you a sweater if you do…
Weevil: *his skin starts to turn a sickening color of blue as he hisses out his lines through chattering teeth* T-those thieves! Those f-filthy little t-thieves! Wheeere issss it?! They stole it from us… my preciousss!
*suddenly, Yugi and Joey both spring up on Weevil and a great struggle takes place. Wevil leaps upon Joey, scratching and biting him like a rabid animal*
Yugi: o_o!!! *pulls out his wooden “sword” and beats Weevil over the head with it, knocking him out*
Joey: … *starts to nurse his wounds, glancing down at Weevil* What are we going to do with him now?
*scene changes to morning. Joey is dragging Weevil on a leash as he screams and wails in protest*
Weevil: Do I LOOK like a pet dog to YOU?!
Joey: More like a disgusting pet cockroach…. *drags Weevil along, his screaming continuing* It’s no use… every Orc in Mordor will hear this racket!
Weevil: *screeches* I’M GOING TO DIE OF FROSTBITE!!!
Yugi: *gets fed up with the arguing and walks back to Weevil* Do you know the way back to Mordor?
Weevil: *through chattering teeth* Y-y-yesss….
Yugi: You’ve been there before?
Weevil: Y-yesss… *sneezes*
Yugi: You will lead us to the Black Gate. *takes the rope off of Weevil*
Weevil: *sneezes loudly on Yugi*
Yugi: Ewwww!!! *whips his coat off with discust*
*scene changes to a large pack of UGLY RARE HUNTERS running over the fields of Rohan, carrying Téa and Tristan as they run*
Tristan: Merry! Merry! *pauses to realize that Téa is unconscious* … never mind.
A VERY UGLY RARE HUNTER: *stops as another Rare Hunter signals for them* What is it? What do you smell?
A VERY UGLY RARE HUNTER WITH GREASY HAIR: I smell… *sniffs* I smell… TAAAACOOOOS!
Makoré: *in the distance* I love the little tacos!
Naomi: Come on, get it together people!
A VERY UGLY RARE HUNTER WITH GREASY HAIR: Ur… I mean… Man Flesh…
Makoré: Maaaaaan fleeeeesh!
Naomi: Shut UP, Makoré!
A VERY UGLY RARE HUNTER: *looks back to the other Rare Hunters* They’ve picked up our trail! Let’s go!
Tristan: *takes his elvish broach in his teeth and rips it off of his cloak. He throws it as the Rare Hunters take off*
*the scene changes to Yami lying on the ground with his ear placed to the dirt. He is listening carefully with his eyes shut. That is, until Bakura, oblivious to everything, trips over him and falls flat on his British butt*
Yami: HEY!!! >< Dammit, Legolas!
Bakura: ^^; Sorry! I didn’t see you down there…
Yami: Idiot. *stands* Their pace quickens. They must have caught our scent.
Mokuba: *quickly hides some food he was nibbling on*
Yami: We must move. Hurry! *runs off with Mokuba close behind. Bakura struggles to keep up with them, walking in an odd way even for him. Yami stops as he spots the pendant that Tristan dropped on the ground* …
Bakura: *whines* Guuuuuys!!! My elvish tights are giving me a wedgie!
Yami and Mokuba: o_O; *shudder as they continue to run with Bakura, trying to pull at his pants, brings up the… ahem, “rear” (yes, and the bad jokes insure!)*
*the scene changes to Yami Bakura talking to no one… again o_o*
Yami Bakura: Just admit it SAURON! You’d be completely useless without ME!
Yami Malik: You just wait! Once I have all of the Millenium Items, I will kill the Pharaoh and-
Naomi: *taps her foot in impatience* Back to the MOVIE, people!
Yami Malik: - I WILL RULE MIDDLE EARTH!!! AH HA HA HA!!!
Yami Bakura: *sighs and walks outside to command his angsty army of Rare Hunters* All we have to do is kill our enemies to gain VICTORY! The men have stolen your LANDS! They drove you out of your HOMES! They… oh screw it, just go kill them ALL! And make it look GOOD!
Rare Hunters: *growl and roar like animals*
Yami Bakura: … why ME? *sighs*
*scene changes to the Rare Hunters attacking a small village. A woman (who is actually Jessie) calls to her children in the amiss*
Jessie: Why do *I* have to be *her* mother?! I don’t even like children! *looks at Rebecca and growls*
Rebecca: *holds up her bear* Teddy says he doesn’t like you either, so nya!!!
Teddy: …
Naomi: *sighs* Come on, guys… just work with it for the sake of the movie, okay?
Jessie: Fine… *looks at her script and then to Rebecca’s Teddy* Eothain… *gets a weird “I can’t believe I’m talking to a stuffed bear” look* Take your sister! *roughly pushes her “children” onto a horse*
Rebecca: *holds her Teddy to her ear* But Mommy! Teddy says that we cannot ride!
Teddy: …
Jessie: *snarls at Rebecca* Do what you’re told, you little brat! *turns back to Teddy* Ride to Edoras and sound the alarm… *gets a twisted look* Or else!
Teddy: … *falls over on the seat of the horse*
Rebecca: He understands, Mommy… *rides off with her Teddy*
Jessie: *mumbles something about talking to stuffed animals as they ride away*
Yami Bakura: Rohan, my lord, is ready to FALL.
Yami Malik: FALL BEFORE ME!!! ALL WILL BOW TO ME! MUAHAHAHA!!!
Yami Bakura: *sighs* I’m going to get some ADVIL. You’re laughing has given me a HEADACHE. *walks away*
*scene changes to a group of horsemen riding to a kingdom in the middle of nowhere. Rex Raptor is in the lead as a VERY reluctant Kaiba sits slumped over his “horse” Bandit Keith, who is carrying the two and using every ounce of his will not to pass out on the spot. They all reach the kingdom of Edoras, where the scene changes yet again to Serenity and Rex rushing to meet the injured Kaiba in the bedchamber*
Serenity: Théodred! *kneels beside him*
Kaiba: Shut the hell up, woman! *is very angsty, since he dies in the movie… yet again!*
Rex: Um… this guy’s supposed to be dead, right? O.o;
Serenity: *flips through her script* Well… it says here that he can hear me speaking to him, so I guess he’s alive for now… but he isn’t supposed to be talking like that…
Rex: I can take care of that! *slams an elbow in Kaiba’s gut*
Kaiba: Rex, you *^%$!!! *cries out in agony*
Serenity: That’s more like it! *moves over to Kaiba and pulls off the bed sheet that he’s under to see his “wound”*
Kaiba: What the HELL are you doing?! *leaps up out of the bed dispite his “wounded” situation*
Joey: *suddenly flies through a window* NO ONE will talk to my sister that way! Not even you, Kaiba! *leaps onto Kaiba and proceeds to beat his rich head into the stone floor*
Rex: o_o; *looks to Serenity* If Kaiba’s not dead, he probably will be when Joey gets done with him…
Serenity: *looks to Naomi* ^^; Naomi, aren’t you going to break this up?
Naomi: No way! This is good material for Kaiba’s blackmail! XD
Kaiba: HEY!
*the scene finally changes to Serenity and Duke Devilin, who looks reaaaaally old and reaaaaly stoned. By his side is Espa Roba, the eyebrowless freak*
Serenity: We regret to inform you, my lord, but your son has been mortally wounded… he, er… fell out of the tenth story window.
Joey: *snickers*
Kaiba: Ow…. ><
Rex: What my dear sister means is that he was ambushed by Orcs. They have been roaming the country. If we don’t defend our country, Saruman will take it by force!
Espa: *in his freaky voice* My psychic powers tell me that what you say is a lie…
Rex: Stuff all of that psychic crap! THAT is the only thing that is a lie here!
Duke: Do I have any say in this? I am the king, you know.
Espa and Rex: NO!
Duke: o.o; A-all right…
Rex: I have proof of what I say! *drops a helmet onto the ground. It rolls over to reveal a crude chibi Bakura painted onto it, making an evil face*
Espa: *narrows his eyebrowless eyes and looks at Rex* Why do you burden your Uncle at this time? Can’t you see that he’s stoned right now?
Duke: HEY! It’s just an eye condition, I swear!
Espa: *ignores him* He is weary of your malcontent… your warmongering.
Rex: What the hell kind of word is warmaronging? O_o;
Espa: It’s warmongering, you dolt.
Rex: Oh…
Espa: *looks back at Serenity and smiles*
Rex: *grabs Espa by the collar* Look at me dammit, or I’ll get Joey in here.
Espa: Gack! *chokes as he reads out his next lines* You have seen too much Éomer! You are now banished from Rohan! *struggles and calls his minions, which are the other Roba children, and is dropped by Rex* Gah… I can breathe!
*scene changes to the Rare Hunter pack, stopping at nightfall, ready to make camp*
A VERY UGLY RARE HUNTER WITH A CROOKED NOSE: I ain’t goin’ no further ‘til I ‘ad a breather! (Lookie there, a British Rare Hunter! XD)
*the “Hobbits” are put down on the grass*
Tristan: Merry! Merry, wake up already! *kicks Téa*
Téa: I’m awake, I’m awake! What do you want anyway? *a loud rumbling sound is heard*
Tristan: Gods… I hope that was your stomach, Merry…
Téa: It wasn’t me you idiot, it was the trees!
Tristan: *arches an eyebrow* The… trees?
Téa: You remember the Old Forest back home? The one by the river? People used to say that there was something in the water that made the trees tall and come alive!
Tristan: I think that blow to your head back there knocked a few too many of your brain cells loose.
Téa: *in a spooky trance-like voice* Trees that could whisper… talk to each other… even move!
Tristan: Uh-huh. And you call ME the odd one.
A VERY UGLY RARE HUNTER WITH A CROOKED NOSE: *stomach growls* I’m hungry! We ain’t ‘ad nothin’ but maggoty bread for three stinkin’ days!
A VERY UGLY RARE HUNTER WITH ROTTEN TEETH: *whines* But I LIKE maggoty bread!
Everyone on set: *stares at the Rare Hunter* Eeeeeeew!
A VERY UGLY RARE HUNTER WITH BLOODSHOT EYES: Why can’t we have some meat? *looks at Tristan and Téa* What about them? They’re fresh!
Tristan and Téa: *exchange worried glances*
A VERY UGLY RARE HUNTER: They are NOT for eating.
Tristan and Téa: *sigh with relief*
A VERY UGLY RARE HUNTER WITH ROTTEN TEETH: What about their legs? They don’t need those. Ooh… they look tasty! *walks toward Tristan and Téa*
Tristan and Téa: O.O!!!!
A VERY UGLY RARE HUNTER: Get back!
A VERY UGLY RARE HUNTER WITH ROTTEN TEETH: Just a mouthful?
A VERY UGLY RARE HUNTER: *kills the other Rare Hunter* Looks like meat’s back on the menu boys! *the other Rare Hunters roar and leap onto their fallen comrade. Guts and dismantled body parts fly everywhere*
Makoré: Look! It’s raining Rare Hunter gibs!
Téa: *face turns several shades of green*
Tristan: Let’s get out of here! *crawls away with Téa, because their hands are bound with rope. Suddenly, Tristan is caught by the ankle by a Rare Hunter*
A VERY UGLY RARE HUNTER WITH GREASY HAIR: *grins evilly* Go on, call for help. Scream! No one’s gonna save you now.
*at that very moment, Pegasus and his team of man-slaves came running onto the field in the form of a faster-than-light conga line! They barrel over the Rare Hunter, giving Tristan and Téa time to escape. They run as Pegasus and his conga line of d00m speeds over many unsuspecting Rare Hunters*
Tristan: *runs, but suddenly is faced by Pegasus reaching out to put him in the conga line* Noooooo!!!
*the scene changes to Yami, Bakura, and Mokuba in a grassy field. They spot Rex and the riders of Rohan galloping past*
Yami: Riders of Rohan! What news from the Mark?
*the riders circle Yami, Bakura, and Mokuba. They run over Bakura, who squeaks loudly, but no one seems to notice. The riders enclose Yami and Mokuba in a tight-nit circle and point their plastic spears down at them. Rex jumps off of his horse (Bandit Keith), and looks at Yami*
Rex: What the hell are YOU doing here?
Mokuba: *holds up his script* We’re supposed to be here, stupid!
Rex: *growls and glares at Mokuba* I would cut off your head, child, if it stood but a little higher from the ground.
Bakura: *jumps up, covered in footprints and attempts to load a dart into his bow* You would die before- *is cut off by Mokuba suddenly knocking Rex over and beating him to the ground*
Yami: *sighs* … *walks over and picks up Mokuba, who is still flailing around in mid-air. He looks back at Rex, who is dusting himself off* My name is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. *holds up Mokuba* This is Gimli, son of Gloin and over there is Legolas the British pansy.
Naomi: Hey!
Yami: *gives Naomi a look* What now?!
Naomi: Did you ever wonder why they do that “son of” title? And why did they leave off Legolas’ title?! *hugs Bakura*
Bakura: *gasps* Naomi… I… can’t… breathe…
Yami: No, I didn’t wonder about that. I don’t really care. Can we get back to the movie now?
Naomi: … yeah. Sure. *drops Bakura, who’s face was slowly turning blue*
Yami: *looks to Rex* We’re tracking a pack of Uruk-Hai across the plains. They have captured two of our friends.
Rex: Er… funny thing Aragorn. The Uruks have been destroyed.
Yami: By what?!
Rex: A conga line of Pegasus and his man-slaves. Your friends were either trampled or taken with them. *claps his hands* Oi, Sugarlumps!
Bandit Keith: F*ck you!
Rex: This is one of my stronger steeds. Take him with you. *turns to his riders* We ride north! *they depart*
*and so, with the help of “Sugarlumps”, Yami, Mokuba, and Bakura ride off to the trampled camp site*
Bandit Keith: *pants* You guys must weigh a frikkin’ TON! *falls over and passes out*
Mokuba: *looks around* Yeah… a conga line definitely went through here.
Yami: Aaaaarg!!! *kicks something, which turns out to be a large rock* F*CK!!!!!!! MY TOE!!!!
Bakura: *mumbles something that should be an Elvish prayer, but as we know, Bakura doesn’t know Elvish too well. So your guess is as good as mine*
Yami: *sits in the grass and suddenly looks around* … a hobbit lay here... and the other… they crawled… their hands were bound… their bonds were cut… *gets up* Their tracks lead away from the conga line into... *looks up* Fangorn Forest.
Mokuba: Fangorn? What madness drew them there?
End of Chapter One!
AN- Wow, that was a LONG chapter! My apologies if this chapter wasn’t “up to Crayon Vision humor par”. It’s kinda hard to make fun of TTT because it’s such a serious movie o_o; Oh well, I WILL do it! *action pose* Anyway, what dangers await in the Forest of Fangorn? When do we meet Gandalf the Gay? (wait… do we want to? o_o;) Read to find out in the next chapter of Lord of the Millenium Items: The Two Pyramids!
