No BUTTS about it.
Written by Jessie.Warning: *shrug.* All I gotta say that this was HEAVILY inspired by Homestarrunner.com. Kudos to El Brothers Chaps! Consider this a tribute. Oh, and this fic is also just a rough draft. I just put it up for the hell of it. A better, longer, and more detailed version should appear soon.
-- Jessie.
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“Okay you guys! I have the greatest plan... in the world!" Jessie said, to her surrounding group of friends, Allie, Naomi, and Makore. "It's gonna be hilarious!"
"Really?" Allie said.
“Yeah! Look, here’s my plan…” Jessie said. “I get a Blue Eyes…” Pause. “Get ‘em drunk…” Pause. “and fill ‘em full o’ knives! Eh? How’s ‘bout that?” She looked around the room. Everyone else looked at each other.
“Nah.” Makore shook his head in doubt. Allie and Naomi nodded in agreement with him.
“Alright. Well, I have another plan. And this time… it’s even better… IN EVERY WAY!” Jessie roars and pulls out a large box of crayons.
Then suddenly, the most crappiest music in the world began to play. It was happy, yet demented. The screen goes white. Then suddenly an extremely crappy looking crayon vision Jessie steps onto the screen. Then in a narrator like voice, Jessie said her plan… and the crayon vision did as followed.
“My plan…” She began. “Is to glue Joey’s hands…” she paused. “ TO HIS BUTT!” Then suddenly a crappy crayon vision Joey appeared next to the crayon vision Jessie, he was looking very pissed off and his hands were indeed glued to his butt. "With Fixodent!"
“Wait a minute…. what?” Naomi interrupted. “Why would you want to do that?”
“ I’m getting to that.” Jessie said. “Anyway, as I was saying. My plan to do this, is very simple indeed…” Jessie’s voice trailed off. She explained the whole plan using nothing but crayons. Which she was very good at, and then the next day… she executed the plan.
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“Hey Joey, wanna play a game?” Jessie smiled mischievously.
“Alright. I’m up for a challenge! What’s the game?” Joey said.
“150 questions!” Jessie squeaked.
“I’ve never heard of it, but I have a feelin’ that I don’t wanna know.” Joey looked at Jessie suspiciously.
“Oh! It’s just where I ask you several simple questions at rapid fire and see if you can answer them all. Okay? Ready? GO!”
“W-wait!”
Then for about fifteen minutes, Jessie asked Joey about 90 or so different questions, and all of them at high speeds. By the time she was done, Joey was extremely hyped up. Answering so many questions at such a speed would cause one’s mind to operate without much thought. This which was something that Jessie was relying on. Quickly, she pulled a large bucket full of Fixodent from behind her (how it got there is beyond me) and held it out.
“QUICK! PUT YOUR HANDS IN THIS BUCKET!” She shouted really fast. And Joey reacted just as she had planned. Without thinking, Joey plunged his hands right into the bucket of sticky pink goo.
“OKAY!”
“NOW PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR BUTT!”
And like that, Joey... well... put his hands on his butt. To put it frankly. It took a moment, but Joey finally noticed what had just happened.
“What the hell...” Joey looked behind him and choked. He tried to move his hands, unfortunately, he couldn’t. They were now firmly stuck to his buttocks. He turned around to find Jessie so he could kick her in the face for making him do that... but she was now running away.
“HARDY HAR HAR HARR!” Jessie laughed in a fake pirate laughter as she frolicked away.
“Come back here you---!” Joey then leaned backwards slightly and began to run after her. (A note to those who have played Final Fantasy VIII: You know how Zell runs? Try to imagine Joey doing that.) The chase went on for quite some time. After ten minutes of running and self-repeating backgrounds, Jessie began to wonder if it was more important; how fast you were running, or how long you could run. She was slowly beginning to tire out.
“Ah ha!” Once again Jessie’s brilliants mind kicked in. She stopped and stood to the side with her foot out. Joey was about to run past her, but he tripped over her outstretched foot and landed on the ground in a very uncomfortable position. Jessie blew a raspberry and ran away.
For about an hour, Joey sat helplessly there, his hands still on his butt. Then suddenly Allie and Naomi walked in his direction, they were chatting away until they noticed him
“Joey, why are you grabbing your butt? That’s kinda weird.” Allie said.
“I can’t help it!” Joey grumbled, trying to pull his hands off.
“Okay, that’s really weird.” Naomi shivered. They both walked away.
“Wait! Come back!”
Then, wouldn’t you know it, Makore began to walk Joey’s way. He stopped and looked at Joey with an expression of utmost disgust.
“Grabbin’ your butt! That’s not very lady-like!” He said.
“I’m not a lady!” Joey said irritably.
“Oh.” Makore said. “Whatever.” Then he walked away.
“Argh. Damnit. This is so stupid! Why wont anybody help me!” Joey complained. “I swear, I’m gonna kill Jessie for this.”
“Oh! Hello, Joey.” Said Jessie, who had just so happened to be there at the time. “Uncontrollably grabbing your butt I see!” She snickered and giggled between words. “Well, I’ll just... let you carry on then!” She roared with laughter as she walked away, leaving poor Joey behind.
END.
