I saw you, dear goblin, in a bar called d.b.a. in Manhattan on Tuesday, November 16th at approximately 7:30pm. I approached you when you were sitting at the bar and asked you if you were "Josie".

"No," you said. When I started to turn back to my grubby little corner, you added, "I don't think she's here yet."

"How would you know!" I demanded in a nasty tone. Dear goblin, you replied (in a kind and patient voice), "I've been here almost as long as you have and no one's come in."

"You don't even know her!" I shouted, as I scurried back like a grotesque rat with a two dollar haircut.

"But you don't know her, either," you called (quite brilliantly) after my skulking, retreating form, "and so we are both equally unqualified to recognize her."

I then waved my hands dismissively at you as if to suggest you were insane and refused to acknowledge you further, despite your good intentions. My question: Am I the biggest prick in New York?

Sincerely,
Maggot

Dear Maggot,

You have Company Here.

There is a new freelancer at my work. She asks questions I can't answer. She is interested in working here permanently. I try to answer her questions and shock myself with how jaded I sound. I try to explain that I, too, was gung ho about "improving" things when I came on board. But it is a small company, 10 years old, and highly resistant to change. It's just not worth wasting your breath to show someone how it could be better.

What should I say to her so she'll stop?

Signed,
Caroline Truffle

Dear Ms. Truffle,

Did you tell the freelancer to take the money and shut up?

Did you tell her improvement is for meeses, the plural of moose?

Did you say, "Young lady, this parTICular company has been around for ten, yes TEN, years and I have grave concerns concerning your ability to improve on so proven a formula"?

You should say, "Listen, bitch! I'm one bad-ass cunt with a mind like a steel clam and a body by God himself and I'm waiting for the stud of the decade to recognize me in my superior skin and swoop down on me in tears of joy and shower me with the LOVE and kisses I deserve you stinking piece of sentimental snatch! Until that happens I'm going to be your worst nightmare, you sappy whore! So take your cooing crap away from my fucking ears unless you want to be the first employee of this blessedly unFUCKINGimproved company to die of fast-shoe-in-fat-ass!"

Or something like that. Make her cry. In a nice way. Let me know how it works out.

You're giving me the horribles,

Goblin