<Intro Voice>
Grey, in a valiant effort to prevent Tom Cruise from recruiting Bruce Campbell into the Scientologists has offered up himself, Beige, Blackbird and Quentin Tarantino for Scientologist entry along with Bruce.
It makes more sense if you don't say it out loud.
I wasn't invited.
And now, somewhere in Kansas . . .
<End Intro Voice>
Why are we in Kansas?
The verbal portion of the exam will be held after your written exam results have been collated. And you're going to be docked ten points for questioning the validity of Kansas.
What? No!
Grey, what's that about?
I was afraid of this. This whole exercise is aggravating my little known need to succeed in all exams and tests.
You have a need to succeed at all exams and tests?
I said it was little known.
We could still run away.
Why is Tarantino smiling?
I don't want to know.
Remember, do everything you can to throw the test.
Have you seen these questions? How do you throw a test with these questions?
Okay, quiet down. You're to answer all questions to the best of your ability with the appropriate pencil.
And which pencil would that be?
That's part of the test. Pick the right one from in front of you. If you're Scientologist material you'll get it right.
All I've got in front of me is pens!
Me too.
That's just an excuse. Your exam begins . . . now!
Right, name.
Age.
Shoe size.
Favourite underwear?
How gay are you not? What?
Total net worth? Uh oh.
Do you wear socks?
Number of movies you have participated in?
Number of movies you have starred in?
Is this an exam or a questionnaire?
Silence!
Walrus. What?
Number of higher planes of being you have achieved?
Number of times you've beaten up Ted Turner. I guess thwacking should count.
Is Madonna evil?
Is Madonna Evil Incarnate?
Is Madonna Evil Incarnate and should not be allowed near the hallowed soul of Oprah?
Number of midgets you have run over.
Have you ever been baptised by a Tunisian minister in a wading pool of Dr Pepper? Well, not Tunisian . . .
Were a Holy War to engulf the world tomorrow, whose side would you be on?
Number of Oscar nominations.
Which has better beaches, Saturn, Triton or Neptune?
Which is more evil, abortion, tax collecting, calling a married man with a slight height disadvantage to his young, fertile wife a stumpy homosexual or not giving everything you can to Scientology? That has to be a trick question.
Who has been the worst served talented actor in history, A: Orson Wells, B: Denzel Washington or C: John Travolta? Travolta!!!!
I don't care how correct your answers are, please don't shout them out for the unworthy to use.
If train A leaves Chicago at 2pm on Tuesday and travels at sixty five miles per hour and train B leaves Boston at 3.30pm on Wednesday and train C leaves Miami at 5pm on Wednesday how cool is Tom Cruise's hair? A: Transindental, B: Hypercool, C: Something to be preserved for all humanity to ponder upon in the vain attempt to achieve higher knowledge which it will ultimately fail because they're just human or D: Better than Mel Gibson's.
Which of the following is not visible from orbit: The Great Wall of China, Donald Trump's baldness, Jenna Elfman's talent or a random tick bungee jumping from a French Poodle's tail? You're kidding?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if Ethan Slurpee was playing the woodchuck and he had assistance from his brother Earl?
Do you take no for an answer?
Are the Rolling Stones not in fact aging rock stars but in fact evil immortals bent on the spiritual destruction of humanity? I didn't think the questions would be this hard!
How many ways are there to stop the vile march of rap music? I feel like I'm doing someone's job for them.
Do you support General Zod: yes, no, pie?
Do you like me?
John Travolta or Tom Cruise?
John Travolta or cheese? For what? Food, company, intelligent conversation . . . Never mind, cheese it is.
What is the chemical formula for Yominium Sulfide?
How do you feel?
42. Awah, I can't believe they slipped that one in there!
Toast or crumpets?
Zog. Zog?
Oatmeal of scrambled eggs?
How many War of the Worlds films are there going to be?
Would you be spokesman for iPods, Canadian Whiskey, Mexican bacon or Xbox? A: Depends on how much the Japanese pay, B: Depends on what the Chinese say, C: iPods, D: What does the Scientologists council tell me?
Okay, time, have you all finished?
Not quite.
Maybe.
I can't tell.
No, yes, sure, no, never, dammit no you can't make me, I'll die first! Here.
Just take it away.
I'll be back later with your results. Unless you prefer to enter the Scientologists by invite alone.
Wouldn't that mean only Bruce gets in?
Maybe.
Just mark the tests. How do you guys think you did?
I did a test.
And now from the nonvegetative portion of the group.
I don't know. Was that a test?
I believe it may have been a mental obstacle course. Or a brainwashing technique.
I'm with Beige, that was not cool.
Well, just calm down. If we're this confused we can't possibly have passed any test.
Grey, it's Scientology.
Crap.
<Intro Voice>
And so Grey and the gang nervously await to see if they can progress to the next phase of Scientologist testing, desperately hoping they won't.
And I'm not so annoyed about not being invited now.
<End Intro Voice>