<Intro Voice>
We return now to Grey, his friends and Quentin Tarantino as they find out the results of their Scientologist testing from Tom Cruise.
For those of you waiting on the edge of your seats for the results: GET A LIFE!
And now, somewhere in a Scientologist bunker in an undisclosed location in California . . .
<End Intro Voice>
Good news, for some of you, I have your results.
Be still my beating heart.
I don't think any of us are going to like these.
Hit me. I'll go first, just give it to me, I can take it.
Grey, you . . .
Come on!
Sadly do not have what it takes to become a Scientologist.
Yes! Yes!
I'm afraid that when the mother ship arrives you will be left to suffer with the rest of the mere humans, condemned to suffer on this rocky orb while the rest of us are elevated to the position of higher beings. Of course I'm already a higher being than the rest of you so this is pretty much what it feels like anyway.
It feels good.
Sadly Blackbird you also cannot join us.
Oh dear, how sad. May I ask why not?
Because you're not actually a human being.
What?
Okay this is news.
Stunning news!
Cliffhanger news.
Not really, it turns out that according to our tests which are so accurate as to make testologists bleed Blackbird is white wear.
What?
A clothes washing machine in fact. Top loader, very economical, good with power but a bit of a problem with the filters.
I'm a washing machine?
Yeah, didn't you know? Wow, it's probably a good thing you came to us and found out now while there's still a chance to lead the life you're supposed to.
As a washing machine?
We can't help who we are, we must simply be.
I'm not taking lifestyle advices from you.
A celebrity who most definitely isn't gay with millions of dollars, influence, a beautiful young wife who proves he isn't gay, his choice of movies at the drop of a hat and a young daughter that proves he isn't gay?
Yea- Uh . . . Half of that's convincing the other half just . . .
Don't hold on to it, just don't.
Quentin?
It's my muffin!
Those muffins are free. You do have the material to be a Scientologist.
What, raving paranoia, delusions of grandeur and illusions of talent?
He's famous director and actor.
So what I said.
Cool, I'm in.
Yes, yes you are.
Man, I'm going to make this a club to feared!
I sense another Dusk till Dawn movie coming out soon.
And Beige.
Yes?
You have a marvellous opportunity. You are fit to be a Scientologist!
Do I have to?
To be anything less would be to deny fate, deny destiny, play tic tac toe with the Universe. Such is your potential that not becoming a Scientologist, specifically a member of our removal squads that eliminate pesky roadblocks to our movement like tax departments, governments unwilling to recognise our tax free status as a religion and psychologists who persist in doing horrible, horrible things like talk reason to our members, could possibly destroy the delicate ecological balance of Mars and turn it into a desert wasteland.
I will take the chance.
I can't let you.
I have a degree in psychology and Sigmund Freud was an uncle of mine.
Get the hell away or we'll lock you up on the deepest jungles of Jupiter.
Nice trick.
Thank you.
But Bruce. Bruce!
I don't like the sound of that gloating greeting.
Don't be afraid Bruce, a wonderful new world has opened up for you. It's called Scientology.
I'm a psychiatrist.
No you're not. You're an actor, a zombie hunter, the Avatar of Elvis, a qualified mechanic and heir to the Duchy of Wein. Because of your celebrity status we did a bit of checking.
Duchy of Wein?
It's a hot dog stand outside of Boise, Idaho. I really don't count it as much of anything.
Scientologists do! It's another aspect of you, another item that makes you ever so important to our goals of . . . ascension, yes, ascension to a higher plane of existence.
I thought there was a starship for that?
We're just making contingency plans.
But, I don't what to be a Scientologist!
Bruce, it is your destiny.
No! That's not possible!
Search your feelings, you know it to be true!
I can't join if I don't want you.
We already have the signed agreement.
That can't be my signature.
It is your signature!
Those bastards.
I don't want to be a Scientologist.
Not to worry Bruce, you'll be well taken care of. A movie every eighteen months, money, fame, fortune!
I have those.
But now they'll be glossy!
Guys, help. It's so tempting.
We could kill him.
I have the explosives ready.
No, there's a simpler way. Tom, what's the attitude towards feuds within the Scientologists?
Don't happen. We're all one nice, big, happy unified family. Not a nuclear family, not a dysfunctional family, not an inbred family because inbreeding is impossible where Scientologists are concerned.
Bruce, will you stand shoulder to shoulder with John Travolta?
John Travolta? What's he got to do with anything?
Travolta?
The guy who gave disco to the world, upsetting rock.
Travolta.
The Avatar of Disco who looks so much like the Avatar of Elvis he's tarring your good reputation.
TRAVOLTA!
Seems you might have a problem. Either you get rid of long-standing member John Travolta or you drug Bruce into such a state he could barley perform as a Fox News anchorman.
Or not let him in at all. Damn.
Thanks Grey.
Not a problem buddy.
Your victory is not complete, I still have Quentin Tarantino as the newest member of the Scientologists!
Yeah! I'm a Scientologist now! We're finally going to do that pet project of mine that I've always wanted to do but never had the all-star cast to pull off. Dusk till Kill Bill! It'll have vampires, kung-fu, guns, chainsaws, my new good friend Tom Cruise in the lead as the gun toting vampire priest prostitute with a heart of gold and a Jenna Elfman as the werewolf ninja assassin crime boss he loves!
That sounds ridiculous, you can't possibly get that off the ground.
Oh yeah, I'm a Scientologist now.
OH ZORB NO!
<Intro Voice>
And so Grey, Bruce, Beige and Blackbird hightail it off into the sunset, saddling a wailing Tom Cruise with a babbling Quentin Tarantino forever!
<End Intro Voice>