Mood:  bright

  10 years now I've been free of a being with my ex wife. To the present I'm still very happy about it. She sometimes carried lots of heavy chips on her shoulder over people or things that made her upset. The largest downside is that our kids aren't able to realize a cohesive family. The ex used her self righteous vindictive nature to get as much money out of my pockets as she could. Still, the peace of mind having her away from me is a reward that any money can't beat. I gave her plenty of chances to work together to be friends. To get along like 2 amicable adults should. Always her self righteousness wouldn't allow it. I would welcome a day for our kids that would see me and the ex be friends. I'm not holding my breath over it. We both have enjoyed walking out in our post divorce suns.

Mood:  a-ok

Hello again,

   In my previous entry I talk about my hip surgery. While I was in the hospital my ex was considerate enough to drive my kids out to see me. The ex chose to stay outside the room ( more below ). My kids, my former sister in law, my niece and my former mother in law all wished me well in emails through the hospital.

   I called my former mother in law to thank her for her nice email. In our conversation she mentioned forgiveness as an important part of her life. Was she dropping a hint? If so was it a reference to me to forgive her daughter? Was it a reference for her daughter and I to both forgive each other? Was it a general reference?

   Marriage had been so so. Initially the affection and care were important. We had our good times and our bad times. About 4 years in, we had some strong  disagreements occasionally. I remember once that we our opinions were very far apart though now I don't remember the issue. Sometimes we were so far apart that I would go longer than a week choosing not to talk to her at all, the silent treatment. Instead of seething inside myself, acting belicose, being very anxious, I felt it was logical to just put off talking about the issue. The ex didn't like that. Several times I asked that we bring in a neutral party to help mediate our issue. I always chose her mom. She was level headed. Once both my ex's mom and sister came over. The mediation started. My ex got so upset, on being told she was wrong, she went and locked herself in the bedroom. It took a while for her mom and sister to coax her out.

  Time went by. We have 3 beautiful daughters. Our 3rd daughter was a preemie. My ex and I went through what I thought was the most difficult time of our lives praying and hoping our new daughter would survive. Today she is a spunky typical teenage girl. Thank God.

  In our marriage it can be said I was no angel. It may also be said the ex was no angel either. Understand what I write is my point of view. I'm sure if you read a synopsis of our later marriage written by my ex, the content would be strongly different. I admiit I had a bad habit. A habit both my ex and I shared for 17 years together. My ex didn't like my mom. Both my ex and my mom were bull headed. My brother was somewhat of a rogue element that caused trouble for both the ex and I.

  My ex was a person who deeply resented being trifled with. It was her nature to not give anyone a chance to mess with her. Those that did cross her learned her fury was boundless until she got satisfaction. I usually trusted people initially. Sometimes I got screwed. There are some bad people out there. To me the anxiety of pushing back wasn't worth it. Many times I told the ex I compared her to Darth Vader and the dark side while I was a Luke Skywalker using the wholesome force.

  One summer we went to the St. Louis Arch with the kids. We had a collapsible umbrella stroller for our youngest girl. We couldn't take the stroller up to the top so we left it below. When we got down the stroller was gone. My ex was furious. She ripped into the Federal Parks Dept. employees. Eventually she was told she would be mailed a reimbursement check. Our youngest could not have weighed more than 15 pounds at the time. It was a distance back to the car. To me, carrying our youngest and not getting into an argument about the stroller was a far less anxious situaion than any harsh words. We bought another stroller soon. 10 years later I still have it. I put a label on it. "Spirit of St.Louis".

  Eventually the ex got into a group of online role playing game folks. She became luke warm with me. Online she came to know one particular fellow. They eventually started talking on the phone when I was not around. I call this cheating. She did not. When my ex and I had different opinions, she would assert herself insisting she was correct regardless of my opinion thereof. Her new friend became someone with whom she could rest her tired email shoulder on. 

  The ex approached me stating she wanted a divorce. She threatened to make the divorce hard on me if I didn't go about it the way she saw fit. It was obvious she had thought through all the steps well in advance. We went with the same lawyer for both of us. I did decide to let her know that she herself was definitely not an angel by far. We had terse arguments. I remember the family going to the library. I picked out books on the effects of divorce on children. Every book said divorce would be bad on kids. The ex said it was worse for the children to see their mother unhappy. Seemed vain to me . I wasn't going to appease her without having my opinion. The ex and I went went to counseling. She stated her points about me. I stated my points about her.  Not long after the ex decided to proceed with the divorce. I was sad for the kids but insideI felt relief.

  Eventually it all went down. We separated and were divorced 5 months later. The lead up was bitter. Directly after we seemed to somewhat get along. Not long before separation her and I went for a walk. She seemed to want to get me to say that the problem was all me and not her. Foolishly I told her this may be true. Within a couple of weeks I saw the error in this. I should have come back and told her this when I realized it.

  One day we were having lunch together. She told me her "friend" and her had fallen in love and he was moving to town. I knew right then I had been played. If it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, it must be a duck. Deep with resentment over being played, I pulled away. That was the end of anything left good between us.

  After that we talked but never as friends. She isolated me from her family when she could. Eventually the "friend" moved to town and they started living together. They got married. Anytime I had a different opinion on how the kids should be raised. She never entertained my opinion at all. Instead she became very self righteous to the point of absurdity. I was with my daughters 9 days each month. The ex was the prime caregiver. The ex soon was raising our kids to be not see both of us parents as equals but as the ex's side against me. 

  Over the years the ex has done and said to me some very mean things. The ex and her hubby started writing online blogs in which they said incredibly mean things about me and my friends. The ex stated that she had freedom of speech behind her. She would not consider refraining from writing what she wanted. Her hubby wrote extremely mean things. I once years back wrote him an email accusing him of being instrumental in the break up of our marriage. The ex always spoke or wrote in his defense. I don't think he has stood up for himself once the entire time I have known of him.

  I told the ex that freedom of choice is also part of freedom of speech.  Her and I went back and forth for at least 2 years about the nasty blogs. I told her repeatedly that if it didn't stop, we would never again have a chance to be friends. One day she said she was through talking about it. I asked her if we could mediate. She said no. This time there was no one to coax her out of the bedroom with logic. I knew this was it. There was now to be no friendship forever. I left the mediation card on the table. There are at lest 2 issues beyond the blog thing that are also make or break for me. We will never get that far without the blog issue being resolved somehow. She blew me off.

  I know my daughters are acutely aware of their mom's mean vindictive side. I told myself I would never be anything but strong in standing up to their mother.  There was no context, no status quo anywhere for the ex to be the correct one in our situation. We were supposed to work things out like 2 adults, not that she is right, me wrong.The daughters and I do well. I don't think they are tainted anymore by their mom's opinion of me.

  Okay, back to the 2nd paragraph in this entry. What is to be made of the forgiveness reference? Each Christmas I hope that the ex will see the folly of remaining with the opinion that being able to write something mean about people is more of a value than being friends with them. I'm pretty sure her want is that I would see she is right and it would all blow over.

  Time will tell. Thanks for taking the time to read,

TBB

Mood:  not sure

      I've had a hip problem for quite a while. Almost 8 years ago I fell 10 feet from a stone wall landing on my feet. I compacted my knees, hips and ankles. More than 2 years ago, I started having waves of pain in my right upper leg. This year I came to have a constant dull pain in my right hip when I walked. I went to my general doctor. He had me go see an orthopedic specialist.

      I saw the specialist and was diagnosed with Osteoarthritis. My hip socket would keep wearing down until it became bone on bone. Without treatment I would eventually be bound to a wheelchair, unable to work, collecting some sort of monetary assistance far less than what I earn as an active telecom tech. I would lose my home. The worst is I would be cut short on my ability to spend time with my kids and my very sweet girlfriend. I had to make a decision.

     To correct my hip, I was told I needed it replaced with a metal hip. This would be quite a change. I really had no choice. I made plans. I got my insurance in line. I arranged with my work place. I did my best to see that my resources were in line for the down time.

      Here's where I tell you about the sweetest Lady I've ever known. All through my planning she was prepared to support my needs. She would drive me, see to my home care. Be there when I needed her. A guy couldn't ask for a better soulmate.

      I scheduled my surgery. I was told there were risk. I could get a blood clot in my lungs during surgery and never wake up. I would have to forever watch how I positioned myself when squatting or sitting so my new hip would not pop out of it's socket. Infections always find metal in the body before they attach to tissue. Now if I ever had a chance of internal of semi internal infections from a colonoscopy or teeth cleaning, or more, I would have to start anti-biotic medicine to prevent infections. The least is, I might be a centimeter or 2 short in 1 leg.

      The surgery was done. Before the surgery I took precautions to prevent hospital infections. I did a lot of reading. A week after the procedure I already have less pain than before. A nurse come by to check on me. She takes blood samples to check my level of blood thinning. I had to take medicine to prevent the blood clotting. She checks my incision and my vital signs. A physical therapist comes by to see I do exercises to get me back to walking correctly. He tells me what to do and not to do to prevent my new hip from popping out.

      My sweet Lady keeps on me to do all the things I have been advised to do. She is the best. I can't say enough about this Lady I love. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would be there for her. She is wonderful.

     The home health crew tell me I am on the way to a quick healing. In 4 weeks I should be back to work. I won't be able to put myself in certain physical postures to do my work. Over time my telecom job has shifted more from the physical to the mental. Not so much pulling wires as thinking, using logical progression, doing programming. While I am recovering at home, I am providing remote assistance to my work place. It is good to be needed.

     More in my next entry.

Mood:  chillin'

   Sigh, another holiday season rolling through and not a hint of contrition from my not so nice ex. Each Xmas season I have a hope that she will come to see how mean she has been and continues to be. It seems in vain. Her kids know she's stubborn way beyond reasonable thinking. They accept that. I'm never going to give in to my ex's reasoning, I stand tall. My ex did serious damage not letting our kids know to respect both parents equally. Instead she went to teach them that because I didn't do as she wanted, I was wrong.

   One day the ex will realize her mistake and then it will be too far gone to recover,

   Happy Holidays.

TBB

Mood:  down

    Racist, westboro church, my ex. What do these things have in common? They use the first amendment to write, say and do bad things against others. There is no good exceuse to be hateful.

    My mom died this past Tuesday. Had it worked out, I would have given up talking to my mom in deference to staying married. I am SO happy that the marriage didn't work out. I would never have forgiven myself for my ex's vanity. Be thankful.

   Remember folks, don't choose to be friends with those who write or say bad things against you.

TBB

Mood:  not sure

     Hmmm? Could it be that the ex is trying to act nice? Until her and I re-open and get closure on issues there can be no burying the hatchet. Time hasn't healed anything. Time has just stretched the bad stuff out. Writing bad things about me and/or my friends on the web is just as valid today as it was when she pinced off the discussion over it. She chose freedom of speech and I chose freedom of choice. Now there are more things on the table which keep the chances of friendship further apart than ever.

    Remember, don't take up friendships with  people who would say or write bad things about you.

TBB

Mood:  bright

   Sigh, another holiday comes around. This time each year I hope the ex will make an effort to get past her bitter attitude. I hope she might accept working things out between us.

   At last check, the ex was saying freedom of speech is more important than trying to get along like adults. She is the only grown up I know who doesn’t act like an adult when reasoned with. There are more issues between us than just the bad things she writes.

   At one point I got the feeling that the ex thought I might see what she perceived as the error of my ways. No chance, time doesn’t make things better for anyone. With no communication the whole thing froze. If anything it is so bad now it may never be fixed.

   Sadly, the ex in her twisted logic, influenced her older daughters to come to believe the ex is correct in her assertions.

   The ex has shown my older daughters it’s okay to blow someone off. The ex has taught them that standing up for saying something bad about someone is better than the saying “if you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything”. Some life lesson huh. Even more so, it’s about their dad.

   I have never pulled back my offer to work together to lay issues between my ex and I to rest. If tomorrow she snapped over to goodness I would still accept fair mediation to fix things between us.

   The ex and I aren’t friends for sure. The ex would say that it’s me not being friends with her that is damage to our kids. The ex isn’t qualified to judge here. She broke up the family claiming the best thing was not to let her daughters see her not happy. The ex has views for sure.

   For the sake of our daughters and righteousness I hope the ex sees the bright side of getting along instead of the don’t let your guard down attitude she has.

   To her credit, things have been a lot less dramatic in my life since I unfriended the ex. I think all 3 daughters are acutely aware of their mom’s stubborn ways. I will continue to observe my freedom of speech by making my choice not to be friends.

Mood:  not sure

   Oh well, another year gone by. I was hoping the e-ex would let down her self righteous facade. No luck. I sometimes wish we can put everything on the table and work out our differences for the kids. United we stand, divided, you know.

Mood:  incredulous

   The not nice ex mentioned something in an email to the me the other day. She said something like I should "get over" my non friendship with her these past 6 years or so.

   Folks, I've said this before, don't hang with people who are mean to you. If the write mean things about you, if they create problems, if they bring you court issues, keep them out of your life as much as you can.

   My ex thinks she's always right. She can keep that thought. The past few years have been nicer because I DON'T talk to the ex as friends. I know I have more piece of mind that she is off my friends list.

   Long ago I tried to work for a resolution to the differences my ex and I have. She wanted no part of it. She was convinced she and she alone was correct. To get along we would have had to find a middle ground for both of us. Things have gotten worse between us since then. It looks like we will never fix things.

   Is this so bad? I think not. My 2 older kids have been impressed by their mom to believe she is correct. I believe in time they will understand. Not getting along keeps the tension and anxiety down.

Later,

TBB

Mood:  chillin'

   Friendship between 2 parties means that each person must be agreeable with the way the other person is.

   It seems my ex might think that she friendship means something else as well. It seems that despite me firmly not liking a lot about the way she is, that friendship is possible.

   This is wrong on her part. She has done and continues to do disrespectful things to me. There is no time when any status will change until something is formally worked out between us. She has her reasons. I still have all the reasons I had back when we started marriage counseling. I have more reasons now. There is no status quo, there is no context for being friends. We both have our reasons.

   Yet it seems she would think that it's all over, she is right and that's all there is to it. WRONG.

   Until a day when / if we work things out between us, there can't be friendship.