Mood:  a-ok

Hello again,

   In my previous entry I talk about my hip surgery. While I was in the hospital my ex was considerate enough to drive my kids out to see me. The ex chose to stay outside the room ( more below ). My kids, my former sister in law, my niece and my former mother in law all wished me well in emails through the hospital.

   I called my former mother in law to thank her for her nice email. In our conversation she mentioned forgiveness as an important part of her life. Was she dropping a hint? If so was it a reference to me to forgive her daughter? Was it a reference for her daughter and I to both forgive each other? Was it a general reference?

   Marriage had been so so. Initially the affection and care were important. We had our good times and our bad times. About 4 years in, we had some strong  disagreements occasionally. I remember once that we our opinions were very far apart though now I don't remember the issue. Sometimes we were so far apart that I would go longer than a week choosing not to talk to her at all, the silent treatment. Instead of seething inside myself, acting belicose, being very anxious, I felt it was logical to just put off talking about the issue. The ex didn't like that. Several times I asked that we bring in a neutral party to help mediate our issue. I always chose her mom. She was level headed. Once both my ex's mom and sister came over. The mediation started. My ex got so upset, on being told she was wrong, she went and locked herself in the bedroom. It took a while for her mom and sister to coax her out.

  Time went by. We have 3 beautiful daughters. Our 3rd daughter was a preemie. My ex and I went through what I thought was the most difficult time of our lives praying and hoping our new daughter would survive. Today she is a spunky typical teenage girl. Thank God.

  In our marriage it can be said I was no angel. It may also be said the ex was no angel either. Understand what I write is my point of view. I'm sure if you read a synopsis of our later marriage written by my ex, the content would be strongly different. I admiit I had a bad habit. A habit both my ex and I shared for 17 years together. My ex didn't like my mom. Both my ex and my mom were bull headed. My brother was somewhat of a rogue element that caused trouble for both the ex and I.

  My ex was a person who deeply resented being trifled with. It was her nature to not give anyone a chance to mess with her. Those that did cross her learned her fury was boundless until she got satisfaction. I usually trusted people initially. Sometimes I got screwed. There are some bad people out there. To me the anxiety of pushing back wasn't worth it. Many times I told the ex I compared her to Darth Vader and the dark side while I was a Luke Skywalker using the wholesome force.

  One summer we went to the St. Louis Arch with the kids. We had a collapsible umbrella stroller for our youngest girl. We couldn't take the stroller up to the top so we left it below. When we got down the stroller was gone. My ex was furious. She ripped into the Federal Parks Dept. employees. Eventually she was told she would be mailed a reimbursement check. Our youngest could not have weighed more than 15 pounds at the time. It was a distance back to the car. To me, carrying our youngest and not getting into an argument about the stroller was a far less anxious situaion than any harsh words. We bought another stroller soon. 10 years later I still have it. I put a label on it. "Spirit of St.Louis".

  Eventually the ex got into a group of online role playing game folks. She became luke warm with me. Online she came to know one particular fellow. They eventually started talking on the phone when I was not around. I call this cheating. She did not. When my ex and I had different opinions, she would assert herself insisting she was correct regardless of my opinion thereof. Her new friend became someone with whom she could rest her tired email shoulder on. 

  The ex approached me stating she wanted a divorce. She threatened to make the divorce hard on me if I didn't go about it the way she saw fit. It was obvious she had thought through all the steps well in advance. We went with the same lawyer for both of us. I did decide to let her know that she herself was definitely not an angel by far. We had terse arguments. I remember the family going to the library. I picked out books on the effects of divorce on children. Every book said divorce would be bad on kids. The ex said it was worse for the children to see their mother unhappy. Seemed vain to me . I wasn't going to appease her without having my opinion. The ex and I went went to counseling. She stated her points about me. I stated my points about her.  Not long after the ex decided to proceed with the divorce. I was sad for the kids but insideI felt relief.

  Eventually it all went down. We separated and were divorced 5 months later. The lead up was bitter. Directly after we seemed to somewhat get along. Not long before separation her and I went for a walk. She seemed to want to get me to say that the problem was all me and not her. Foolishly I told her this may be true. Within a couple of weeks I saw the error in this. I should have come back and told her this when I realized it.

  One day we were having lunch together. She told me her "friend" and her had fallen in love and he was moving to town. I knew right then I had been played. If it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, it must be a duck. Deep with resentment over being played, I pulled away. That was the end of anything left good between us.

  After that we talked but never as friends. She isolated me from her family when she could. Eventually the "friend" moved to town and they started living together. They got married. Anytime I had a different opinion on how the kids should be raised. She never entertained my opinion at all. Instead she became very self righteous to the point of absurdity. I was with my daughters 9 days each month. The ex was the prime caregiver. The ex soon was raising our kids to be not see both of us parents as equals but as the ex's side against me. 

  Over the years the ex has done and said to me some very mean things. The ex and her hubby started writing online blogs in which they said incredibly mean things about me and my friends. The ex stated that she had freedom of speech behind her. She would not consider refraining from writing what she wanted. Her hubby wrote extremely mean things. I once years back wrote him an email accusing him of being instrumental in the break up of our marriage. The ex always spoke or wrote in his defense. I don't think he has stood up for himself once the entire time I have known of him.

  I told the ex that freedom of choice is also part of freedom of speech.  Her and I went back and forth for at least 2 years about the nasty blogs. I told her repeatedly that if it didn't stop, we would never again have a chance to be friends. One day she said she was through talking about it. I asked her if we could mediate. She said no. This time there was no one to coax her out of the bedroom with logic. I knew this was it. There was now to be no friendship forever. I left the mediation card on the table. There are at lest 2 issues beyond the blog thing that are also make or break for me. We will never get that far without the blog issue being resolved somehow. She blew me off.

  I know my daughters are acutely aware of their mom's mean vindictive side. I told myself I would never be anything but strong in standing up to their mother.  There was no context, no status quo anywhere for the ex to be the correct one in our situation. We were supposed to work things out like 2 adults, not that she is right, me wrong.The daughters and I do well. I don't think they are tainted anymore by their mom's opinion of me.

  Okay, back to the 2nd paragraph in this entry. What is to be made of the forgiveness reference? Each Christmas I hope that the ex will see the folly of remaining with the opinion that being able to write something mean about people is more of a value than being friends with them. I'm pretty sure her want is that I would see she is right and it would all blow over.

  Time will tell. Thanks for taking the time to read,

TBB