The Local News: No one is watching

"Today in New York a cop was shot... Also coming up, see how you could be a victim if you buy a rolex for $20 from a guy's suitcase at the southside seaport!"

            Here’s a message to all the local news programs on CBS, NBC, FOX, WPIX, ABC, UPN (is this even considered a channel anymore?), etc… “SHUT THE HELL UP!”

     No one wants to see your crappy hour long show on meaningless events that happen every single fucking day.  (If you live in the NJ/NY area you know what I’m talking about already.)  Guess what Esinsteins!?  Your 5 minute spotlights on major news stories, weather, sports, etc… are written on a 4^th grade level and flat out suck!  Ever hear of MSNBC, CNN, FOX News, ESPN, or the Weather Channel?  Yeah they cover everything that you do, but actually do a quality job doing it.  Oh yeah there’s this other thing called the internet, it’s pretty cool.  If you don’t have cable or the internet you should be worrying about other things than the local news.

     These brilliant stations have to come to realize that their local news programming (including shitty morning shows) is pure crap… But instead of having every network executive and news anchor take cyanide pills, they’ve attempted to appeal to the stupid people in the city (New York City in my case) who smell like my balls when I’m walking around on a hot day in Florida.  Basically what I’m talking about are those stupid little segments entitled, “Ask Asa!” “FOX 5 investigates” “Andy Rooney’s tits on TV” or whatever.  Wait! Stop the presses!  Someone was cheated, scammed, and/or ripped off in New York City!? Never!  Better send out the crew!  Don’t forget they will also try to spice up the program by having  some asshole fly around in a helicopter screaming about a fire, cop chase, or how fucking busy the George Washington Bridge is.  Also they’ll probably tell you if someone old died, if someone was shot, and/or if some medicine had an uncommon side effect in one person.

Since I haven’t posted a rant/article in a while (and yeah you have all been a real pain in the ass about it… If you don’t stop bothering me about this site I’m going to post all of your phone numbers on pornography message boards) I’m going to treat all of you to a cartoon on how a local news cast usually goes down! (coming soon, but I thought I’d post the article first… basically it’s just going to be an alteration of the main image on this page perhaps with some racial slurs or whatever)