Mind the Gap - Uncovering the London Underground
My close friend Mecca Ibrahim has just got a book deal to write a fun guide to the London Underground - Mind the Gap and I'm helping her write and research that, so look out for the book based on a lot of the fun goings on you'll find in this site. Expect eccentrics, cracking characters, myths, madness, buskers, mystery, conundrums, delays, unbelievable announcements and everything you would expect from the real London Underground but with more laughs. (it's coming out in Autumn 2004). She's promised to share her royalties with me!

A novel about the tube called (Underground by Tobias Hill got quite a lot of PR. The tube is portrayed as a refuge for ragged people on the edges of society. Its alcoves are the grounds of a murderer and a strange tunnel dwelling girl called Alice. Here's what a reviewer from Amazon.co.uk had to say about it

"Tobias Hill makes the move to full-length novel with Underground and instantly establishes himself as one of Britain's most exciting young novelists. Hill uses London's hidden history to explore London's hidden present and ...does it through the eyes of an outsider. Hill may stuff his book with tubespotter detail about London's fascinating subterranean network--its hidden passages, makeshift dwellings, locked and forgotten stations--but, far from being just another feelgood novel for city commuters and Time Out addicts, Underground is a rich, multi-layered novel that reaches far beyond the end of the Northern line."

The book was launched at Aldwych station (which doesn't actually exist anymore and is used to hold private parties - see my tube celebs page for more info).

Now onto a more modern hero - Christopher Ross. He wrote the brilliant book Tunnel Visions. Ross was previously a lawyer, oriental carpet smuggler and Japanese soap actor, and took a job as a station assistant for 16 months on the London Underground. The book is a collection of his thoughts and musings whilst working there. He observes the commuters, sings with a busking act, witnesses a man emerge from a train tunnel after being told at the previous station that it would be quicker to walk. He learns why green grapes, are more deadly than banana skins, though not as lethal as suicidal "one-unders" (or "track pizza", to use a "lovely" piece of New York Slang). There's more stories about passengers travelling with strange companions an ugly, baby turns out to be a monkey, and a dog on a lead a domesticated fox.

The Daily Telegraph said it was: "The best book about the London Underground since the knockabout picaresque of John Healey's Streets above us . . . Tunnel Visions succeeds on several levels; as information; as a collection of anecdotes; as Zen lectures. It is also very funny . . . a parable of our times."

And this wouldn't be an online review of a book without a word from an Amazon reviewer

"I simply can't understand how anyone might think this book is a disappointment. I couldn't put it down. It is moving, funny, and Christopher Ross is clearly a very interesting - if slightly eccentric - man who appears to see things in a fresh and distinct way. So different from the usual "philosophy" books which merely rehash old ideas we've heard a million times round the dinner table. We want more books like this please. And if he's ever in Cornwall he's more than welcome to come and share his insights with us down here. We may not have an Underground, but his ideas are just as relevant for us as they are for Londoners."

I got in touch with Ross's publishers (4th Estate) and got to interview Christopher Ross. Check out my interview here and there's more reviews of the book on that page too.

Onto another modern day hero - Simon James. There's an interview with Simon on this site and he's a remarkably talented photographer who has just published a book of photographs (called 'Mind the Gap') of those strange stations on the tube which thousands of regular travellers miss - the end of the tube lines. (Not to strange to me as I travel to Richmond every day and also regularly go to Ealing Broadway). The pictures of these tube stations do make an interesting study of the "buddleia-strewn hinterlands at the edges of London". The Evening Standard used to interview celebs and ask them if they'd ever been to the end of a tube line - so the subject does seem to have an enigmatic mystery to it (try telling me that when I'm cursing delays at Richmond station). To read my interview with him - click here.

And another tube author Keith Lowe who wrote a really fun novel about the tube - Tunnel Vision. The central character Andy is about to get married and makes a drunken bet which threatens to ruin everything. His task is to travel to every tube station on the system in a single day. As part of the challenge his passport, his honeymoon tickets and his credit cards have been hidden in various places along the way - he has just 20 hours to find them all and complete his journey or the wedding is off. I was lucky enough to get Keith Lowe to agree to an interview. Check it out here. You'll also be able to read Chapter 1 from the book too.

If you want a really interesting and entertaining fictional book about life on the Underground check out King Solomon's Carpet by crime writer Ruth Rendell's alter ego, Barbara Vine. I read it last Xmas and it's a cracker!!! It has all the hallmarks of Vine - weirdness, suspense, ordinary characters doing extraordinary things and she's put a huge amount of research into it. I was hooked from beginning to end.

FAMOUS NOVELISTS TAKE ON THE TUBE
By Richard Mitchell

That great and wise literary gentleman, Robert Louis Stevenson, once wrote that it was better to travel hopefully than to arrive. His brother George spitefully then invented railways in general and the London Underground in particular to prove he was wrong on both counts.

As a result, to get back at George and his steam locomotive, Robert immediately began an entire new literary genre, in which the underground features strongly.

In the first draft of his epic Treasure Island, Long John Silver is revealed as having lost his leg while on an escalator at Oxford Street station while under the influence of Rum. Young Jim hides from the conspirators not in an apple barrel, but behind the chocolate machine on Blackfriars (eastbound District). Blind Pugh asks for change for something to eat on the Central.

This has prompted many fine writers to use the London Underground a source for their lesser known works:

Lewis Carrol
Alice and her adventures on the underground

"...Alice thought it quite strange that people actually paid money to get on the train every day and be tormented in this way, but as she looked around at the other people in the carriage, she realised that they were all quite strange too. there was a young lady not much older than herself, who had small silver rings through her eyebrows, nose and lips. She also had such a large number of studs through her ears that they looked in danger of fraying.

"I sha'n't stare her," thought Alice. "Although she does look very curious. I wonder at the danger to passers by when she blows her nose, to say nothing of scepticemia."

She craned her neck to avoid eye contact as all the passengers were doing, and the saw something even more extraordinary.

"My goodness!" cried Alice, rising from her seat. "there is a gentlemen talking loudly about his political opinions, But there is nobody there. The target of his discourse seems quite invisible."

"Hush my dear," said her companion. "It is the Old Nutter, who has Nobody as a friend. Would it surprise you to know that there is one on every train of this wonderful underground railway".

"Really," queried Alice, "and does his invisible friend travel with him every where he goes?"

"Yes, my dear. Wherever he goes, Nobody wants to sit next to him."

Lord of the Circle Line
J.R.R.R. Tolkien

"What has it got in its Pocketeses, precious" said a horrible syrupy voice from the shadow.

"A one day travelcard, and a really special magic ring. Makes you invisible, it does."

"A travelcard, my precious, just what Gollum wants, a tourist with a travelcard"

And from out of the dark shadows emerged Gollum. He had spent so long in the deep dark tunnels that he had become like a pale, twisted root full of evil etc. etc.

300 pages and several stupid poems later

... but it was not a ring-wraith - it was a creature of fable that few have seen and fewer still believe in - a transport policeman.

"Cripes, the filth" gasped Gollum, dropping the travelcard, and having away on his toes, which like him were pale, twisted long and full of evil etc etc

Great Destinations
by
Charles Dickens
(Note: Mr Dickens was paid by the word)

And so, after each and every one of the minutes that make up a full three quarters of one hour had gone, one by one, never to be seen again, along as it were the great dim platform and onto the rails and down the tunnel to the next station, whispering in the darkness, Plip looked up and was rewarded with the sight of a distant light, an advancing luminance that spoke a message of hope, advancing - oh so slowly - to where he stood, a small sapling in a busy forest, and yet a forest that twitched and moved as one, stirring at the faint light.

It was a train; and at this time of night it was more than a train; it was a means of escape, a safe path back to the warm hearth of Mrs. Collywobble, away from the miasma of the city, a bright convivial, bouncing, hyperbolic, pneumatically braked, electrically motivated phenomenon, a voice in the wilderness, a benign Charon with a pleasure-steamer upon the river Styx, a friend in a world filled with strangers.

And it was only as the train reached the station platform he read the words spelled out in letter of golden light on the brute metal face of the train. A simple statement, less than a sentence, less than a phrase. Three words only that were to dash his hopes in a fraction of a moment - Not In Service.

The famous five -
mind the doors

"Alroit, alroit" said the fat red faced ticket inspector. "You'm be travellin beout tickuts, and no mistake. I'ull tellee what oimbe going to dee..."

"Oh Dick", sobbed George with a tear in her little eye "What is this horrid goblin-thing talking about? I can't understand a word it's saying.

"Its all right George", replied Dick. "It's working class, that's all. The ruffian wants a £10 penalty fare from each of us. Well he is jolly well not going to get it!" and he clenched his fists in a manly way.

"Look here," he said. "You jolly well go and bother your own kind. We are following some spies."

"Yes just take this shilling and be off with you," chimed in John, fishing about in the pocket of his shorts. "and take my advice and don't spend it all on drink or tobacco"

"Woof" said Timmy the dog....

A rejected stanza from
Metroland Revisited
by John Betjeman

Crimson train and sun dipped station
Giggling girls in summer clothes
Cotton and dirndl, gloves from Woolworths
Pinstriped bank clerk picks his nose
Frottage on the crowded carriage,
Gross indecency on the trailing car
Fast to Evesham, talk of marriage,
Thoughts of what beasts all men are

Around the circle line in 80 minutes
by Jules Verne

Phineas Fogg, and his trusted companion Passepartout have embarked on another wager - the gentlemen at the club wagering that it is impossible to ... oh work it out for yousrelf...

"This is intolerable," thundered Fogg. " One station away from St James Park, and already a red light is preventing our progress."

Passepartout lit a Gauloise, in flagrant breach of the regulations and inhaled deeply. Le Governer, he concluded was like all Englishmen, quite mad. In his beloved Metro, in his beloved Paris, the trains, they run on time, nest ce pas?

"Passepartout, we shall get out and walk!"

"But Monsuier! The volts in the rails! and les amperes!" Good French words, he noted. As a Frenchman, he had a duty to use them to remind everyone of les superorite de la francais scientifique. Still, he knew that his master was not a man to change his mind, so stubbing out his sophisticated cigarette francais on the dull upholstery, he stood and began levering open the doors

A final thought from the works of Lao Tze
(An inspector on the Piccadilly Line)

The longest journey does not start with a single step. It starts with the purchase of a ticket for the London Underground.

(c) Richard Mitchell, 2001
First published on www.anothersun.co.uk.

Brill....If this has inspired you, why not drop me an email with your own take on famous authors writing about our great Underground system. Or indeed add them to the guestbook.

Also if you like Richard's work you might like to check out a book of Parodies of the great 'Poems on the Underground' series. It's called Poems Not on the Underground edited by a person who calls themself "Straphanger".

The real Poems on the Underground were launched in 1986 and are now an established part of every London tube-traveller's experience. The Poems On The Underground project has proved a hugely successful attempt to introduce poetry into the city's public spaces (ie the ad space above people's heads on the tube) and has since been taken up by many of the world's major cities (I've seen them in Toronto) as well as many smaller ones.

If the London Underground can have their own "Poems on the Underground" series so can this site. Let's kick off with a very dark poem from Gerald Vinten who donated this to my guestbook

POEM : UNDERGROUND INSPECTION.

From black invisibility to distant light speck,
broadening into headlamp fury,
hurtling tube train explodes through the vaginal opening,
grazing platform as it minds not the gap,
reluctantly halting as doors slide open,
passengers tumbling out and in.

Through closing doors,
two last-minute suited projectiles lurch,
Woosh, the air parts,
the spectral presences menace,
the uniform hats go on,
the cavalry has arrived,
parallel advancing relentlessly,
faces redden,
tickets emerge reluctantly,
scrutiny for accept or reject,
potential passport to future tranquillity.

Unconscientious objectors extradited to platform edge,
isolated as for firing squad,
rejected from the womb that bore them,
doors close and others open not,
last seen in futile argument,
rationalising fraudsters,
with frustrated decibel defence,
ticketless anti-heroes,
surfing the net for free,
dodging fares in vain,
unwillingly subsidised by the ticketed,
now mounting the escalator that leads to final judgement.

Professor Gerald Vinten

From darkness to lightness with a poem from Lynn Peters.

UNDERGROUND BLUES

He was moments too late and the train pulled out.
It started to move as his hand was about
To grasp at the door - but he was too slow -
The tube will not wait as he surely would know.
His face hid his anger, regret and pain
But his mouth formed the words of a simple refrain:
"All my life I have missed the boat
And now I have missed the train."

Lynn Peters is a novelist, scriptwriter and journalist. Her poems appeared for over 10 years in Cosmopolitan magazine in the UK, USA and Australia. Currently her work can be heard every Wednesday at 11.15pm on Radio 4's Little Big Woman Show which she co-wrote with actress Llewella Gideon.

For more on the effects of missing a tube train check out the film Sliding Doors!

Not strictly a poem but a version of the Lord's Prayer from Russ originally from New Zealand but now in London

Our Tube, which art in Harlesden,
Harrow be thy destination,
Thy northbound come, on Platform One,
In Ealing as it is in Hampstead.
Give us this day our monthly Travelcard,
and forgive us our fare evasions as we forgive them that stand on the left
on the escalator.
And lead us not on to the District Line, but deliver us from signal
failures,
Change here for the kingdom, the power and the Victoria Line,
(Waiting) Forever and ever,
Mind The Gap.

A tube poem by Peter Kenny. "One under" is the phrase used to describe someone who has just jumped in front of a train.

ONE UNDER

At 5 o’clock a red fox barked in your garden
Then in your bathroom the black umbra slid over

Thick-lidded, your insomniac eyes ignored dawn
And you pissed because it seemed to be an action.

You left home early, with your hair tidily combed
And a heron flew into your suburbia

Grey, faintly prehistoric between the rooftops
You wondered why it had abandoned the river.

The station was still, and the grey-faced ticket man
Had trouble with his ticket dispenser

Then on the platform the black umbra slid over
And you stepped towards the chasm

The train was always going to arrive, but when it did
You understood there would be more people

For there are six billion people in the world
And they have all been seen by someone, if not you.

Peter Kenny is editor of the arts ezine www.anothersun.co.uk

Just had another underground poem from Andrew James Conway:

There are times when the faces
of people and places
grow silent in the sound
of unspoken spaces
And the screaming rushing blinding races
of chases toward an eternal oasis
suddenly stop
and begin once again.

Any more poems are welcome in the guestbook.

And now a book review from Richard who also signed my guestbook:

"I first visited London as a teenager in 1962, and fell in love with the Tube on my first journey on the Central Line from Holland Park to Tottenham Court Road. I soon went to live there for 11 years, and the Tube became a very important part of my life. In fact, I rarely had any idea where places were in relation to each other, only in relation to the nearest Tube station, found from the A to Z. I still visit London every few years, but now I walk as well, having learned how to use the Tube in moderation (which is just as well, given today's prices - it was CHEAP in the sixties).

For all you Tube lovers, I highly recommend Ruth Rendell's book "King Solomon's Carpet" (or Barbara Vine's, I can never remember which name she uses for each book). It's one of her dark mystery stories, but the difference is she's managed to make the Tube into a vital character in the story."
Richard, Vancouver

Thanks Richard, that book was written by her with her Barbara Vine name and yes it is an excellent book with the tube playing a very strong "character". I read it over Xmas and I highly highly recommend it to anyone who wants a brilliant novel completely about the tube, as it gets well more than a passing mention.

King Solomon's Carpet through amazon.co.uk

(out of stock at Amazon.com, but you can read the reviews)

She also wrote another book "Gallowglass" through amazon.co.uk

(unfortunately it's out of stock at Amazon.com - but you can still read the reviews)about some slightly unbalanced character who was going to jump under a tube and is saved by a very enigmatic character who then proceeds to involve the original character in a kidnapping. I think Barbara/Ruth has a bit of a tube fixation if you ask me.

And there's also "The Man in the Brown Suit" by Agatha Christie. Here's a synopsis from Amazon.co.uk

"Pretty, young Anne came to London for adventure. She found it immediately - on the platform of Hyde Park Corner tube station, where a thin man, reeking of mothballs, lost his balance and was electrocuted on the rails. The Scotland Yard verdict was accidental death. But Anne was not satisfied."

You can also find the book on Amazon.com

Also check out the new section on my tube celebs page about "Neverwhere" a brill novel by Neil Gaiman which was made into a BBC TV series and now looks like it's going to be a Jim Henson film. It's all about a strange underworld in London populated by characters named after tube stations!!!! For other books about travelling on the tube see my page "Literary Lines".

BUYING BOOKS AT TUBE STATIONS

As if banging machines to get out chocolate wasn't enough we're now going to find ourselves tormented with the prospect of bashing a machine to get a book out of it!!!

"The sons of two of Britain's most aristocratic families, the Guinnesses and the Waughs, are launching a system for dispensing short stories on the London Underground. Alexander Waugh, the grandson of the novelist Evelyn Waugh, and Ned Iveagh, the Guinness heir, will introduce their prototype dispensers to selected stations on the Tube this month (Jan 2001) before expanding the enterprise across the British rail system. The stories, published by Travelman, are printed on one sheet of paper and fold up like a map."

"The first machines were installed last month on South Kensington station in West London, each book costing £1. The scheme will be formally launched on 15 January 2001.....The original idea for handy travel literature can be traced back to the turn of the last century when Rudyard Kipling introduced reading sheets to Indian Railways. Iveagh and Waugh have picked their moment well. The delays on British Rail mean commuters will need to buy more than one. The stories are between 7,000 and 12,000 words and will take only around 40 minutes to read.

For the full story check out The Observer newspaper.

Home page
Share your views, comments and questions here

and find out what others are saying about my site!!! If you want to look through my old guestbook please click here

Music on the Underground
My page about buskers and other music on the tube.

Tubespotting or Celebs on the tube
Have you seen any celebrities on the tube? And find out about a new film about travelling on the tube. Also a great feature about crumple free clothes, so you can look like a celebrity while riding the tube.

Advertising on the London Underground
Another page of my site - find out about advertisers try to sell us their wares on the tube.

Animals on the Underground
Learn about the amazing tube travelling pigeons and find out what Anthea Turner has in common with a whole lot of mice.

Literature on the Tubes
The tube itself has featured in many books and poems over the year. Learn about them on this page.

novel 253
Brilliant site. It's a web-novel written by each passenger on a tube. Each of their thoughts is 253 words long (hence the title) and you can travel around the whole train at your leisure, getting inside the heads of the passengers and the driver. Ever wished you could do that on the tube?