Started
from: Comedy Central
Finished from: HBO
Transcribed by: KdsInThHal@aol.com
and KITHFREAK@hotmail.com
Cast:
- Mark-
Doug Terrance (Dad)
- Scott-
Bauer
- Kevin-
Bauer's roommate, Kyle
- Dave-
Jean Terrance (Mom) / Owen
- Bruce-
Bobby Terrance (Kid)
- Woman-
Laura
- Man-
Lyle
[Family
eating a ham dinner at the dinner table]
Mark:
Mmmm, mm. Honey, this is a great ham steak! Just the way I like it,
nice and thick and fried.
Dave:
Thanks hun. Enjoying your ham steak yet, Bob?
Bruce:
Yeah I like it, it's really fucking good. Ooh, oops, I mean--fine ham
abounds, mom.
Dave:
"Well you know what I do to make it so, fa, fa, f fa fa - said
the 'F-word', seven pounds four ounces, now he says the 'F-word' at
the dinner table.
Mark:
Okay, you listen to me little guy. You don't curse under my roof, you
don't curse on my roof or in front of my wife, you got that?
Bruce:
Why dad, it's just a word! I can use my own words, and think my own
thoughts!
Mark:
Shut up Bobby.
Bruce:
Why, do you want this place to be like...Tiananmen Square? Well I'm
sorry dad, I won't live in your...microwave oven world any longer. You
people have carpet on your hearts!
Mark:
Sit down and shut up.
Bruce:
No dad-it's the truth-look at that ham. It's flavorful, it's juicy,
it's well prepared...it's the universal truth...that's F'IN' GOOD HAM,
DAD!
Mark:
Oh I get it, you think you're big enough to take on your old man, huh?
Bruce:
[hesitation...] ...Yes?
[Mark
punches Bruce]
Mark:
Aaaah, I'm in the garage! [he leaves]
Dave:
Well, your dad's in the garage, Bob. What do you have to say for
yourself?
Bruce:
I say, that I'm movin' out.
Dave:
Oh where would you go?
Bruce:
It's a big world, mom. [spins globe] There's lots of places. [points
finger at globe to stop and stops with his finger on the ocean]
Dave:
The ocean Bob?
[Bruce
leaves]
Dave:
But you don't know anyone in the ocean!
Bruce:
[sung] My parents try to put me down / just because fine ham
abounds....
They're
square, the world is round / gonna throw the dice and change my
town....
[spins
globe once again and finger stops at Toronto]
[spoken]
Toronto? Oh, Bauer's place!
[sung]
My parents try to put me down / just because fine ham abounds....
I'm
glad I'm in my youth / I can still taste the ham...of truth!
[ends
up at Bauer's apartment]
[Bruce
knocks and the door is partially open]
[Dave
answers the door]
Dave:
Hi.
Bruce:
Hello, Owen, my parents couldn't deal with the truth, so I had to
point out the hypocrisy of their lives.
Dave:
Oh, well, we're listening to records.
Bruce:
Oh, that sounds good too.
[Bruce
looks around the room at all of the people listening to records... he
sees Laura]
Bruce:
Laura.
[He
walks over to her and they start making-out. The music starts.
Everyone is making-out except Bauer, who's rolling joints, and Lyle,
who looks extremely out of place. Kevin enters spraying air freshener
on everything. He takes the needle off the record to speak.]
Kevin:
All right, everyone. [crowd moans] This is supposed to be a
get-together and not a party. Someone has to leave.
Scott:
Lyle.
Crowd:
Lyle!
[Lyle
gets up and heads for the door]
Bruce:
Sorry, man.
Laura:
Listen, Bobby, what, you know, happened?
Bruce:
I told my parents to... [guitar slash] to fuck off. [guitar slash]
Scott:
So, uh, Terrance, what are you gonna do now, man? Hop on a Harley and
drive west?
Bruce:
Something like that, Bauer, although I don't have access to a vehicle
as such. Although, I do have my hitchhiking thumb.
Crowd:
Oooo.
Bruce:
Who knows where I'll be this time tomorrow night, Laura. I could be
helpin' out a town in trouble. I could be in Chicago, eatin' bacon and
eggs with gangsters. I might even be dead.
Laura:
Sure.
Bruce:
Laura, this will be our last night together.
Laura:
Whatever.
Dave:
Everyone? This is truly a night to remember, so let's get really
drunk.
Scott:
Yeah.
Bruce:
But not so drunk that we can't remember.
[Dave
nods in agreement]
[The
night progresses. Lyle is seen waiting at the door in case someone
leaves. They are all sitting around and Bruce is barely coherent.
Scott throws a bottle cap and it hits him in the forehead.]
Bruce:
Close enough. [He starts downing his mug o' beer. He burps when he's
finished.]
Scott:
Hey, you're not lookin' so good, Terrance.
Laura:
[waving a slice of pizza in front of his face] Have more pizza.
[Bruce
starts with the dry heaves. Everyone watches. Kevin grabs the record
off of the turntable. Bruce is now trying to keep from spitting the
vomit]
Kevin:
Oh my God! Here, puke on this!
[Bruce
still trying to keep it in]
Dave:
No not that side, that's the good side. He can puke on this side,
though.
[Bruce
just spews barf everywhere. The crowd moans]
Scott:
Ah, geez, get it together.
Kevin:
Let's get him home.
Scott:
Yeah.
Bruce:
Okay, but I'm drunk and I can't drive.
[Scene
changes to Bruce driving home with Scott and Kevin also in the front
seat. The music starts again. Tires are squealing. Bruce leans out the
driver's window and pukes like it's coming out a garden hose. Then the
shot changes to Bruce playing the guitar and puking.]
[Scene
changes back to the kitchen in the Terrance residence. Scott and Kevin
are carrying Bruce in, Bruce is mumbling]
Scott:
Shhh, shhh, your parents are going to wake up. C'mon. Shhh.
Kevin:
Shhhh.
[The
light switch clicks on and Dave and Mark are standing there.]
Dave:
Bob?
Kevin:
We found him this way?
Scott:
Yeah, he showed up at our place drunk. [They drop Bruce to the floor.]
Good night.
[Scott
and Kevin exit. Dave kneels down next to Bruce lying on the linoleum.
Mark stands next to Dave]
Dave:
Booze! But no pills!?!
Bruce:
No.
Dave:
Good. `cuz were you aware that booze and pills do not mix, Bob?
Mark:
If I'm the air-traffic controller around here, he's grounded.
[Mark
storms off stage left. Bruce struggles but still can't get up.]
Bruce:
Mom?
Dave:
Yes, Bob?
Bruce:
It was fuckin' good ham.
Dave:
Yes I know, Bob. I know. [Dave leaves him on the floor, turns out the
lights, and exits left.]