Party
Stewart and Sam have both gone to a party. I wasn't invited. I never am.

ramble epiphany ramble ramble
there's a state of existence that makes no sense. where you can truly realize everything as it should be at one point, but it doesn't exist at the next. i've felt that this week, and it's strange. but i do realise my importance and significance, and i can hold on to the fact that everything would be a lot worse without me.



you know, a few months back, i had an epiphany.

it all began with a well, let's call it vision. well, alright dream. well, dream advert. no, dream message would make more sense. dream interuption perhaps the more.

ok, it doesn't matter what you call it, it was a message from God. well, sort of. it lasted about 20 seconds, it basically cut in to my dream for those 20 seconds, briging me to a different situation, then causing me to return to the dream and what happened not to make any sense. not that dreams make any sense anyway.

anyway, it went quickly of a number of things very fast, and as you know, dreams fade pretty fast. this dream bit i remember cause it was in the state just before you wake, and because it interupted a dream, it stayed with me, although only one thing covered actually stayed with me, you could call it the important point God was trying to tell me.

this was in the summer, Monday after we broke up. about 3 weeks later i went to soul survivor. now, that's where you really do experience some Godly experiences. a bunch of people did. really changed their lives. however, nothing happened with me. the holy spirit didn't come upon me with great strength like it had the previous year.

for those who don't know this was my 3rd year, the first year two years ago i really watched what was going on, last year was the summer after my mum died and i really did have a couple of experiences, and i felt the pain. i also had the question last year of my purpose.

now, this year, on the last night i think it was, i didn't feel anything once again, but then i realized that the reason i didn't feel anything was because there was nothing left for me to feel. last year, God had giving me the smallest taste of heaven, followed by the pain and suffering i felt. this past year, i haven't really got that. i didn't know what i wanted, whether i wanted the pain or the pleasure. but this year i really understand what God did. what he did last year was the solution to my problems this year. the message he gave me was what he wanted me to do.

he basically told me to just talk to him more. now, i haven't really been keeping to it, but i'm a bit more comfortable with praying out loud in groups, and i'll get to the stage he wants me at.


so, back to the epiphany. so, i was sitting in the building i was on, and i realized everything. why God did what he did last year. the answeres to my questions. why he didn't give me this year something i thought i wanted but realised i didn't need it, God had already given me what i wanted. the big and little pictures made sense, and my understanding is at the highest it's ever been.

i come up with a number of crazy views on biblical things, but the core beliefs i don't argue with. i belief i have a deep understanding that is different from the norm because the norm is wrong. whether i am right is debatable, but what i see are the other possibilities.

i believe i have a gift of wisdom. some may argue with that but i do. i also have the gift of faith, and my faith is something i really do not lose, it is extremely strong, and i don't think a signed confession from god saying 'i am not God' would sway me.



Blog Bounce Back update, i really do think people need to understand the deeper meaning of the entry. to take it at face value you get a certain meaning, but the rambles hold a deeper meaning, and you need to understand the intent of them to get the meaning. they really are an expression, not a description.



you may be getting the feeling thius started of rambly, turned purposeful, then has now become rambly again. you would be right.


ah well.

woohoo!
i have a new pc!

woohoo!

Blog Bounce Back
This is a response to Sam's blog (he posted the entry twice!!!) which was in response to my blog. his two entries did have a couple of diffeent points though.

firstly, i don't lie when i say i'm ok. ok is simply i standard that is diferent for me then for others.

secondly, i don't hide my side for fear of getting hurt, in fact i don't hide it. it's there, just unnoticed as the other sides are more prominent and shield the side unless i express it specifically.

btw, nikki agrees with what sam says, although, i must disagree with both of you. that is because you do not see the whole chess game, just a certain perspective i have given.

will post more later, a new pc just arrived, so the next post i make may be of a new computer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's Going On
Wednesday was TYG Extra on Heaven. I led it. great positive feedback, it went really well. hopefully i can make next week's on Hell just as good.

Thursday had a meeting with Frankie about a future TYG Extra. went really well, got it all planned out. It's gonna be fun and good.

Today, Friday, is Miss George's funeral. my mum knew her quite well, they were good friends, and now they are in heaven together. not going, it's on right now, probably quite full, but it's in my mind.


that's what's going on at the moment. i'll put other stuff in my next entry.

Not a part of this world
made up with stewart. sort of. well, stew sorted things out, so things are cool.

sam's blog is interesting. well, his last entry was. well, sort of. no surprises so far, which is probably a good thing.

teacher passed away recently. stew and kath have said they going to ehr funeral. my mum knew her quite well. she taught me for 2 or 3 years. my dad is going to her funeral. i haven't decided. probably won't, since the funeral is gonna be packed to the brim. i don't like death. i don't like cancer. i don't like the macmillan unit either. well, i do like them, cause they are absolutely brilliant, but i don't like them because when people go there, they go there to die.

i don't think anyone really understands me. they don't understand me because they don't know the real me. they either see the one side, which is my fun side, the side i put on each day and i deserve an oscar for showing. or they see the more serious side, the christian side, the realistic side, the side where my knowledge, intelligence and wisdom comes from.

but to know me, they need to understand my creative side. some people know some parts of it, but people really don't know that side that buzzes about in my head. and then there's the other side. the side that really defines me. it's the side no-one sees, the side no-one realises is there, and the side i live with every day.


you know, i found it funny when stew mentioned how he wished nikki was allowed to go to parties like the one he had the other night, while i would be allowed to go, but am never invited.

i also find it funny when people react a certain way to comments of mine because of how humourous i am in nature, yet if said by someone else they have a totally different reaction.

i found it funny when sam questioned my wisdom and acted all holy about things because he has never asked or received any of my brilliant wisdom, then he is shocked at the realisation that he made a massive mistake, something i had been trying to point out to him from the beginning.

i found it funny how stew reacted to my comments, not talking to me for a long period of time, even attacking me with his blog, all because he didn't like what i said.

i found it funny when rating sense of humour in tyg extra for tyg top trumps cards that were never made, that people rated me, me how tells lots of jokes, me who laughs at lots of jokes, udnerstands different types of humour and finds lots of things funny, a 3, while charles, someone who doesn't get half the types of humour, is obsessed with a mildly funny movie thinking it is the funniest thing ever, and laughs in anticipaion of mildly funny joke, like a sound track being played at the wrong time, was rated a full 5. either people don't know me, or they are stupid. most likely a combination of both.

i'm an oddity. i care deeply about people, yet they don't ever show any care in return. i say show as i'm sure they do care, but if they don't show it, what use is it?

i'm here on this earth simply to prove the point that nice guys do finish last. but then, i'm sure people would debate that.


i really am not part of this world.

do you care?

does it matter?

are there any supporting characters in the story of my life?




this entry really has no end. it doesn't really have a beginning. it doesn't even really have a point. it's more of an echo.

*ECHO*

*Echo*

*echo*


Should i really end this entry here? Should i have ended it earlier? does what i've said make sense or not?

will anyone read this? probably. who? anyone i don't want to? anyone who doesn't understand?


i come to this blog, i read what other people read and think "i can't write that", the little things from the day, as my mind is always on the bigger picture. i'm always seeing the deeper meaning.

maybe that's why i just don't seem to fit. i'm not part of the art, i'm just looking at it. a spectator of life, not a player. can i be a player? do i want to be a player? is the life i see each day the type of game i want to play?


i can see one future of my life, which i like. i see another future, which is liveable. i don't see a third option, but there probably is one.





not a part of this world. perhaps this entry has gone on too long. perhaps not long enough.

either way, it was...




fun.


i'm just TSO.


i'm not a part of this world ...




yet

What is left to say?
Topic: The New Era
?

To Stew
1. in your other blog you said "Not even Sam knows my side of the story, and he's somehow forgiven me." because of that i sent a text saying i do forgive you, but the events still happened. forgive but not forget to sum up, yet you find this laughable.

2. "Simon, I haven't forgiven you for intruding like this and I'm not willing to talk to you for a while yet, otherwise I may end up loosing my temper and actually hurting you, its something I'm not willing to do." I would like to point out i haven't actually intruded, just written things in my blog. i haven't conveyed any of my opinions to anyone in person, and the only people i knew of who were reading my blog were you, who would be able to see my view of events, ad katherine, who makes up her own mind. i haven't been intrusive, just observative.

3. I hope what may be a problem is not a problem, and while you may have outrageous anger at me i am not an angry man. i have experience with my mum having cancer, and if you want to talk about anything or whatever, i am here for you. i have taken the previous entries from my blog from public viewing, since that is not an issue that needs to be focussed on at the present time, and also the fact that my blog seems to be getting passed on to people i didn't give it to myself.


Call me when you're ready to talk.

Simon

Phew!
Topic: The New Era
Helping people is hard work, but i helped someone called 'nomes' again today.

You know, i sit here in my chair and give people the greatest advice in the world. I don't know how I know what to say, i believe it is God given wisdom, and i do treasure it, because while it is hard work, it is my way of helping people.

Anyone can come to me for advice and i will give it. I will give myself to help you, as I care. But don't come to me unless you are willing to tell me everything, as I need to know all the facts to give you the right advice.

Giving advice is tiring. I am now worn out. But tomorrow, I will sit back in this chair, and do it all again. Why?

Because God Deserves It!


TSO

Ill
Topic: The New Era
I'm ill. Something cold related, been bothering my throat last couple of days, and I got stuff to do.

TSO