A hundred bucks for a comic book? Who drew the pictues, Michaelmelangelo?
Judge : Homer Simpson, I find you guilty. Homer : Your Honor, I'd like that last remark stricken from the record.
No, the only monster here is the evil gambling demon that has infested your mother. I call him 'GAMBLOR' and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws.
You suck-didly-uck, Flanders.
Aah!, hey get off my sugar. Bad bees, bad. Ooh! Ooh! Oh! they are defending themselves somehow.
Scooby Doo can doo doo but Jimmy Carter is smarter.
Ah, so thats what's been wrong with the little fella. He misses casual sex.
Marge, we had a deal. Your sisters don't come here after six, and I stop eating your lipstick.
Ned, you so crazy.
"Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So use it. And send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay! Eternal happiness is just a dollar away." *** Homer's auto-dialer message ***
Oh Lord, protect this rocket house and all who dwell within the rocket house.
Oh, Lisa, this isn't real. It's just how you might look if you were a cartoon character.
If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.
They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumb-ass army guy.
See you in hell candy boys!!!
Homer's brain
: Uh, oh. It's time you told Marge your secret. Homer : Marge
, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom. Marge :
Oh, my gosh! Homer's Brain : No, the other secret. Homer :
Marge, I never passed high school. Marge : That still doesn't
explain why you ate my soap. Wait, maybe it does.
Kids, if he (Grandpa) starts acting weird, lead him down into the basement.
Lisa : Who will police the police? Homer : I dunna know. Coast Guard?
Marge : But, Homer! You're a Nuclear Technician. Homer : Marge! Icksnay on the Uclearnay EchnicianTay. Marge : What did you say? Homer : I don't know. I flunked Latin, too. [Homer explaining that he never passed Science 101].
Then you start to cry like a sissy. When he turns away disgustedly ... That's the time to kick some back.
"When I was seventeen I drank some very good beer I drank some very good beer I purchased With a fake ID My name was Brian McGee I stayed up listening to Queen When I was seventeen"
Whoooa, that's hot. There isn't a man alive who wouldn't get turned on by that. Well, goodbye! [serenaded by country/western singer Lureen].
Alright Brain ... Its all up to you.
I'm hitting the road. Maybe I'll drop you a line some day from wherever I wind up in this crazy old world.
Homer : No TV and no beer make Homer something, something. Marge : Go crazy? Homer : DON'T MIND IF I DO! WHARGHLULULU WHUR LALULUBRGLUBLU HAHUHAHU WOODWOOD HALULAOGH! Marge : AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Wiggum : Ha! And to think, those idiot environmentalists were protesting this landfill! Homer : Solid waste! I could kiss you! MWUA! eugh! MWUA! ooh! MWUA! aah! MWUA! ooh! I think this one's pizza! [After Homer & Cheif Wiggum drive off a cliff and their impending death is stopped by the car landing in a huge pile of rubbish ...]
Homer : How much does this job pay? Lenny
: Nothing. Homer : D'oh! Lenny : Unless you're crooked.
Homer : Woohoo!
I got this scar in the strike of '88.
Where's my Burrito? Where's my Burrito?
Lisa : Do you think you can get the dental plan back? Homer : Well, that depends on who's a better negotiator. Mr. Burns or Me! Bart : Dad! I'll trade you this delicious doorstop for your crummy old danish. Homer : Done and done! Heh Heh Heh! Homer : D'OH!
Homer : Ooooh! Punch! Lisa : Eeugh! Dad! This is BLOOD! Homer : Correction, FREE blood!
Lisa : You must drive this stake right through his heart. Homer : Take that vile FIEND! [Homer plunges stake into body, repeatedly hammering] Lisa : Ah ... Dad, that's his crotch. Homer : Ho Ho Ho, Sorry!
The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else ...
Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.
Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh.
Marge : I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for. I think they're criminals. Homer : A job's a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal.
No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.
Homer : Well, I really should discuss this with my wife. Salesman : [scoffs] Your wife? [cracks an imaginary whip] Homer : What, you think I'm going to buy a $20,000 truck just because you make that noise? Salesman: [does it again] [and again] [and again] Homer : [on his knees] I'll take it!
Marge : Homer's a very complicated man. Homer : [smashing a plate over his head] WRONG!
Ohhhh, my ox testicle has ants on it.
I'll have you know I wandered off from the tour.
Give me some peace of mind or I'll mop the floor with you.
We played Dungeons & Dragons for three hours! Then I was slain by an elf.
Stop pummling
me! Its really painful.
How could you do this to me, Moe? This bar was going under and it was the drink I invented that saved it! If there was any justice, my face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise.
American donuts. Glazed, powdered, and raspberry-filled. Now, how's that for freedom of choice?
Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday? I mean, isn't God everywhere?
I may just quit my job at the plant to become a full-time stock market guy.
Why did this have to happen now, during prime time, when TV's brightest stars come out to shine?
Homer : But Marge! I was a political prisoner! Marge : How were you a political prisoner? Homer : I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?
Old man : Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse. Homer
: Ooo, that's bad. Old man : But it comes with a free serving
of frozen yogurt! Homer : That's good! Old man : The frozen yogurt is also cursed. Homer : That's bad. Old man
: But it comes with your choice of toppings! Homer : That's good! Old man : The toppings contain potassium benzoate ...
Homer : (confused look) Old man : That's bad. Homer : Can I go now?
You know, Marge, mud is nothing more than wet dirt!
Marge : Homer, did you call the audience
'Chicken'? Homer : No! I swear on this bible! Marge : That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Homer : Mmmm ... fuzzy.
Homer (looking up at the living room ceiling) : God, why do you mock me? Marge : That's not God, that's a waffle that Bart threw on the ceiling. Homer : Lord, I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but ... (munch munch munch) Mmmm
... Sacrelicious!
Homer : Mmmmm ... 64 slices of American cheese. 64 (munch munch munch) ... 63 (munch munch munch) (cut to much later) Homer : 2 ... (munch munch munch) ... 1 (munch munch munch) Marge : Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese? Homer : I think I'm blind.
Lisa (reading invitation) : "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB." Bart : What's that extra B for? Homer : That's a typo.
Apu : Howdy, neighbor! May I spray you with the hose in a playful fashion? Homer : Uhhh ... spray the boy.
Mulder
: All right, Homer. We want you to re-create your every move the night you saw this alien. Homer : Well, the evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon. Scully : Mr. Simpson, it's a felony
to lie to the F.B.I. Homer : We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. You happy?
Keep up the roughhousing, boy. Without a strong male presence you could go sissy any moment! Oh, these stubborn grass stains!
If you were 17, we'd be RICH now! But noooooooo. You had to be 10!
Oh Marge, anyone can miss Canada ... all tucked away down there.
Kent Brockman : An oil ship has just sunk at BabySeal Beach. Lisa : Oh No!! Homer : Dont worry hunny, theres much more oil where that came from.
I don't know ... two dollars? And it only transports matter?
Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students - jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time!
Oh, I'm going to lose my job just 'cause I'm dangerously unqualified!
Show 'em what American butts are made of, Son! [Bart is about to take a booting in Australia].
Homer : Oooh, Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions! I'm great at these! Ask me if something smells funny in here, Boy. Bart : Does something smell funny in here?
Homer : I don't think so ... STUPID! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha!
Marge : Homey, do you want pork chops? Homer : No, I want roast beef ... YOU CLOD! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha!
Stay where you are! Or I'll boot your Prime Minister! [Homer takes Australia's Prime Minister hostage with a giant boot].
Rats
! I almost had him eating dog food!
They let me sign checks
with a stamp, Marge! With a stamp!
How was Jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees? and build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? *chair breaks* D'OH!!!
Stupid poetic justice!
And here I am using my own lungs like a fool! In the nursing home after seeing Lucky hooked up to a respirator.
I'm 239 and I'm feelin' fine! Look! I'm using
the original notches that came with my belt!
Keep looking shocked and move slowly towards the cake.
New York is a hell hole! You know how I feel about hell holes!
Marge, you're not gonna believe this, but I'm stuck between two vending machines.
Suppose we've chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we're just making him madder and madder.
Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.
Curse you, magic beans!
A cool ball gathers no gutters.
Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own.
Lisa : Here's a good job at the fireworks factory. Homer : Those perfectionists, forget it. Lisa : How about this, a supervising technician at the toxic waste dump. Homer : I'm no supervising technician, I'm a technical supervisor. Marge : There there, Homer. You'll find a job. You've caused plenty of industrial accidents,
and you've always bounced back.
TV Announcer : Loaf-time, the cable network for the unemployed, will be back with more tips
on how to win the lottery right after this. Duff Beer commercial : Unemployed? Out of work? Sober? You sat around the house all day, but now it's Duff time! Duff, the beer that makes the days fly by! Homer : Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
Homer : Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed councilmen
, boys and girls, retired people with nothing better to do. Danger comes in many, many forms, from the dinosaurs that tormented our caveman ancestors, to the ... Councilman : Simpson! Get to the point. Homer : I think we should put a stop sign on D Street and Twelfth. The other ... Councilman :
All in favor [unanimously with the other councilmen] Aye. Approved, Meeting adjourned.
Homer : But come on, we all know this is small potatoes. There's a danger in this town that is bigger than all the Dips put together. Lisa : What, Dad?
Homer : I'm talking about THAT! [points at the SNPP]
Marge : You mean your going to pick on your old bosses? Lisa :
Wow! Bart : Gee, Dad's a hero. Homer : What'd say, son?
Bart : Nothing. Homer : That's ok, I'll just assume you said what I thought I heard you say.
Burns : Hear me out Simpson! I don't want you to come back as a technical supervisor,
or supervising technician, or whatever the hell you used to be.
I want you to be in charge of safety here at the plant. Homer
: Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more
accidents around here than any other employee, [leaning forward]
including a few doozies no one every found out about.
Homer's brain : Me in charge of safety? This place could blow sky-high. Naah, I'll concentrate on my work now. Hey, this guy's desk sure is big. I can't let Marge support the family! This guy's got the cleanest shirt I've ever seen. What should I ...
Burns : Simpson! Time's up. Homer : What the hay, I'll take the job.
Burns : You mean you're willing to give up a good job and a raise, just for your principles? Homer : Hmmmm,
you put it that way it does sound a little far-fetched, but that's the lug your looking at ... and I vow to continue spending
every free minute I have crusading for safety. Of course, I'd have a lot less of those free minutes if you gave me the job.
Burns : You're not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.
Friends, you have come to depend on me as your safety watchdog. So you won't scrape yourself, or stub your toes, or blow yourselves up. But you can't depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us, and I'm going to have to live without your respect and awe. The only reason I'm telling you is, I'm going to be leaving you ... But don't worry, I've just been appointed the new
Safety Inspector at this very plant, and a big fat raise!
Will you open the window, Lisa? The police have daddy's finger prints on file.
Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you out.
I pity those poor fools on the highway. Gas, brake, honk. Gas, brake, honk. Honk, honk, punch. Gas, gas, gas.
Hey, Miss doesn't find me attractive sexually anymore,
I just tripled my productivity.
Come to think of it, the guy who sold me this thing said that it would bring grave misfortune. I just thought he was being colorful.
Going bowling. Not back, avenge deaths.
Can't talk. Robbed. Go Hell.
Stupid bug! You go squish now!
Oh, I wish, I wish, I hadn't killed that fish.
I feel like a kid in some kind of store.
Oh, Marge don't you know kids today? Bad means good and shake your booty means wiggle your butt.
For the last week its been my life long dream to be an inventor.
Do you like Pina Colonics & getting caught in the rain?
Hey, I know you, we were in the same pyramid scheme.
We're not going to sign anything unless it's a contract.
Wait a minute Barney, you have to be sober to fly, I mean, it's not like driving.
Hi, this is Jerry Maguire, show me the message. Show me the message! [Homer's answering machine].
See boy, the real money is in bootlegging, not your childish vandalism.
Someone : Mr. Simpson, are you wearing a paper bag? Homer : I have misplaced my pants.
Hehehehe
. Look at this country - U-R-gay. Hehehehe.
Feeling stupid?
!? I am.
I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy, unlike motherhood. But I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world ...
except for some Mag Wheels, that would be sweet.
Professor
: And there will be a study session after class. Homer : Do we have to go? Professor : No. Homer : Then kiss my curvy butt GOOOOD-BYE!
Smithers : Next question. There's a problem with the reactor. What do you do? Homer : There's a problem with teh reactor?! [Homer stands up]. Homer : WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!! [runs out of room screaming].
Homer : Hey
Apu, why aren't you in church? Apu : Oh, but I am. See, I have a shrine to my god, Ganesha, in the employee lounge.
Homer : Hi Ganesha. Want a peanut? Apu : Please do not offer my god a peanut.
I said I was sorry ... Sorry you're such jerks!. [to mobsters].
We're number one! We're number one! In your face Space Coyote!
Homer : No! You can't shoot me! I'm not Krusty! I'm Homer Simpson! Mobster : The same Homer Simpson that drove through the wall of our nightclub? Homer : Uh, I mean, my real name is Barney Grumble. Mobster : The same
Barney Grumble that keeps taking pictures of my sister?
Homer : Uh, actually, I'm, think Krusty think, Joe Vallachi!
Mobster : The same Joe Vallachi who squealed to the Senate Committee on organized crime? Homer : Benedict Arnold!
Mobster : The same Benedict Arnold who planned to surrender West Point to the British? Homer : D'OH!
Ovulate, damn you!!
Homer : So which kid is your favorite? Is it Bart?
Marge : No. Homer : So you're a Lisa fan, eh? Marge : No.
Homer : Well it can't possible be the baby. What's she done for anybody?
Marge : Come on Homer, aren't you excited to see Japan? Homer : Aw, if I wanted to see Japanese people I could just go to the zoo. Marge : HOMER! Homer : What? Takashi works there ... He's in my book club.
Chief Wiggum
: I'm getting complaints that this game is crooked. I'd hate to shut it down, so maybe we can reach a little agreement. (extends out hand) Bart : Dad, I think he wants ... Homer : Not right now, Bart. Daddy's talking to a policeman! Chief Wiggum
: Let me put it this way ... I'm looking for my friend Bill. Do you have any Bills in here? Homer : He's Bart! Chief Wiggum
: Now listen to me and watch carefully as I wink. I'm looking for Mr. Bribe wink. Do you have a bribe? wink wink. Homer :
This is a ring-toss game! Chief Wiggum : That's it, I'm taking it down.
Homer : Help! Carnies have taken over our house! Chief Wiggum : Well well, look who it is! It's Mr. No Bribe! Well, let's just sit here and wait for detective LikeIGiveADamn. Homer : OK. Lisa : Dad, I think he ...
Homer : Not right now, Lisa. Daddy's waiting for the detective.
Homer : Oh, no!! This can't be happening! What the hell are we gonna do with 10000 angel ashtrays?? Bart : I could take up smoking. Homer : You damn well better.
Bart :
Just so you dont hear any rumors, im being endighted for fraud in Australia. Homer : Well thats no reason to block the TV.
Marge : Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? Homer : Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge : Earl Warren was never a stripper. Homer : Oh, now who's being naive
Stupid sexy Flanders ...
The sea forgets all! Unlike those mean old mountains, I hate them so much.
Guy : Hello sir, do you like to laugh? Homer : Why yes, yes I do. Guy : Well
the you'd love our comedy festival, it's for a good cause.
Homer : A rest home for pirates?
Lisa : Alright, let's all pick from the chore hat. Homer : Come on bikini inspector.
Guy : This could increase your brain power, or possibly kill you. Homer : Increase my killing power eh?
Homer : I'm looking for something in an after dinner burrito. Apu : To pass the time, please enjoy this novelty pen. Homer : Why would I want to look at a pen wit ... oh no! Her clothes are coming off! Heh heh, you know who would like this? Men.
Marge : You know Homer, it's very easy to criticize. Homer : Fun too!
Homer : Don't worry son, I have total faith in you. Bart : Since when? Homer : Since your mother yelled at me.
Lisa : I'm an ugmo. Homer : Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear. Lisa : Father's have to say that little stuff. Homer : Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear? Grandpa : No. You're homely as a mule's butt. Homer : There. See?
Homer : I sure could go for a hot dog right about now. Marge : Homer! This is a funeral! Vendor : HOT DOGS! Homer : WOO HOO! Marge : Do you just follow my husband around everywhere? Vendor : Lady, he's putting my kids
through college.
Now I've had my head in an elephant, a hippo, and a giant sloth.
There is nothing wrong with a father kissing his son ... I think.
Sweet, sweet alcohol
... takes the pain away!
Announcer : Okay, the capital of North Dakota is named after what German ruler? Homer : HITLER!
Announcer : Okay, the colors of the Italian flag are Red, White, and what? Bart : Blue! Homer : Yellow! Bart : Orange, Red! Patty : Green! Homer : Black, White, Green! Contestant : Green! Homer : I was right!
Homer : Good morning Springfield! Good morning Mr. and Mrs.Wingfield! Mr.Wingfield : Why dont you get a haircut you hippy!
Homer : Yallow! Marge : Hello Homey, how's my big important executive? Homer : Oh Marge, every woman I interview
for the secretary job makes kissy faces at me! Karl : Hello Mr. Simpson, I'm ... Karl. Marge : He sounds good, hire him.
Karl : I want you to say to yourself ... I deserve this, I love it, I am natures greatest miracle. Go ahead, say it.
Homer : I ... I Karl : Trust me Homer Homer : I ...
Karl : Take a step and SAY IT! Homer : I ... deserve this.
Karl : Louder! Homer : I DESERVE THIS! Karl : Shout it! Homer : I AM NATURES GREATEST MIRACLE!!! Karl : I'll need three weeks vacation and moving expences ... Homer : YOU'VE GOT IT, BUDDY! Karl : Lets go shopping!
Singer : You are so beautiful, to meeeeeee! Marge : I love you Homer!
Homer : I love you Karl, uh ... Marge!
Bart : What happened, Dad? Did you screw up like the Beatles and say you were
bigger than Jesus? Homer : All the time! It was the title of our second album!
Patty and Selma's supervisor : Ladies, please don't tell me you're smoking in a government building, because that is precisely the kind of infraction that can cost a couple of sisters their promotion. (Patty and Selma don't know what to answer) Homer (to himself) : I'll never forgive myself
for this. (He grabs both the sisters' cigarettes Supervisor: Wait a minute! Those are yours, sir? Homer : Yes. I am in flavour country. Supervisor : Both of them? Homer : It's a big country.
Homer : My son, a genius!!? How does it happen
? Doctor : Well, genius, like intelligence, is usually the result of heredity and environment. (looks at Homer) Although in some cases, it's a total mystery.
It's not funny, and the one in my pants really hurts. [coat hangers stuck in shirt and pants].
Homer : I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again. Lisa : I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.
Bart : Aw, I'm going to miss the whole summer.
Homer : Don't worry, boy. When you get a job like me, you'll miss every summer.
Moe : Hey, Homer! Way to get Marge pregnant! Homer : This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley.
Homer : Fathering children is the best part of my day. I'd do anything for Bart and Lisa! Judge : And, er, Margaret? Homer : Who?
Bart : Buy me "Bonestorm" or go to Hell! Marge : Bart! Homer : Young man, in this house, we use a little word called
"please."
Marge : Oh, Homey, look at that watch. I've always wanted a watch like that.,br>Homer : Well, maybe someone will give you one for Christmas! (thinking) Now she'll really be surprised when she opens that ironing board cover!
Homer : And by the sacred parchment, I swear that if I reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters, may my stomach become bloated and my head be plucked of all but three hairs. Moe : Um, I think he should have to take a different oath.
Lisa : Don't you see? Getting what you want all the time will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless. Homer : Remove the girl. [Homer, the Great].
Homer on gays : They're embarrassing me. They're embarrassing America. They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce, and Lance, and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just, uh ... John : Queer? Homer : Yeah, and that's
another thing! I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!
Marge, you're my wife, I love you very much, but you're living in a world of make-believe! With flowers and bells and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats.
Homer : Yeah, sure, for you, a baby's all fun and games. For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings. Lisa : Doesn't Mom do that stuff Homer
: Yeah, but I have to hear about it.
Listen to me, Mister Big-Shot. If you're looking for the kind of employee that takes abuse, and never sticks up for himself, I'm your man! You can treat me like dirt, and I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream! And if you don't like it, I can change! [to Mr.Burns].
Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think I'll go on the retreat anyway.
Karl : Quit complaining, chrome-dome. Homer : D'oh! If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that!
Stop that. I love my wife and family. All I'm going to use this bed for is sleeping, eating, and maybe building a little
fort.
Homer : Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean, our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my French ... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did ... You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family? Marge and the kids : Amen!
Doh! That purple fruit thing! Where were you last night? [Homer scratching a lottery ticket].
What?! You doctors have been telling us to drink eight glasses of gravy a day.
Michael Jackson : This is Gary. He can multiply any two numbers in his head. Homer : Mmmm ... 5 x 9! Gary : 45
Homer : Wow!
You could say we make a groin-grabbingly good team!
Homer : Implied Lisa, or implode? Lisa : Mum, stop him!
But Marge, didn't you hear? (sobbing) They have no bananas.
Oooooh, a fresh batch of America Balls!
Oh, they got me with their legal mumbo-jumbo!
Homer : I love these lazy Saturdays ... Marge : But Homey, it's Wednesday today! Homer : Waah! Work!
We could have our own game; where people throw ducks at baloons and nothing's the way it seems ...
Rex Banner : (Outside the Springfield Planetarium) You're out there somewhere Beer Baron, and I'll find you ... Homer : (Faintly in the distance) No you wont! Rex Banner : (Suprised) Yes; I will. Homer : Wont!
Stupid gravity! [falling out of tree house].
Marge : Now Homer, you're over-stimulated, lets get some beer into you, and then it's straight off to bed. Homer : (Runs about frantically
, flapping his arms) Woo-hoo! - beer beer beer, bed bed bed!
Oh, I'm sick of doin' Japanese stuff! In jail, we had to be in this dumb Kabuki play about the forty-sevenRonin, and I wanted to be Yoshi, but they made me Ori." [Homer in Tokyo].
I punched Burns right in his 104-year-old face.
Ooh! A trillion-dollar bill! That's a spicy meatball!
So, what do like, Lisa? Via-ma-lin? Tuba-ma-ba? Obo-mo-boe?
Whoo-hoo! Cheap meat!
Sweet Merciful Crap!
They're DOGS and they're playing POKER!
Boy, those Germans have a word for everything!
You deserve all the finest things in the world and although I can give them to you, they will be repossessed and I will be hunted down like a dog.
I can't live the buttoned-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles!
Here lies ... Walt Whitman. Aaargh! Damn you Walt Whitman! I ... hate ... you ... Walt ... freaking ... Whitman, leaves of grass my ass!
Lisa : Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy? Homer :
Don't worry, sweetheart. If I'm wrong, I'll recant on my deathbed
.
Lisa : It is better to remain silent and be thought the fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Homer's
brain : Uh-oh what did that mean. Better say something or they'll
think you're stupid. Homer : Takes one to know one! Homer'
s Brain : Swish!
How can you say anything bad about TV, Marge? It gives so much and asks so little.
Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I'd read that book by that wheelchair guy.
Ah, the miracle mile, where value wears a neon sombrero and there's not a single church or library to offend the eye.
Marge : Homer, you dont' think what we're doing is wrong do you? Homer : Honey, i don't think anything i've ever done is wrong.
Bart : No offense Homer, your half-assed-under-parenting was a whole lot better than your half-assed-over-parenting Homer : Oooh! but I was using my whole ass.
I'm a lonely, insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun.
You know, some of these stories are pretty good. I never knew mice lived such interesting lives.
Bart : What religion are you? Homer :
You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity.
If something is hard then it is probably not worth doing.
Hutz : Mr. Simpson I was just going through your garbage and I couldn't help but overhearing that you need a babysitter! Since I'm a highly trained lawyer I'll charge you $200/hour. Homer : I'll give you six bucks and you can take 2 popsicles out of the fridge! Hutz : Three! Homer : No, Two!
Judge, I'll have those shoes ready by monday.
Hutz :Hutz is the name Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when wet. Homer : Ooh! Classy!
Oh ... Patterson was right! I'm crashing and burning! Crashing and burning! ... How could you spend 4.6 million dollars in a month? ... They let me sign checks with a stamp, Marge! A stamp! ... You know, Dad, there's a lesson in all this. Many cities have problems with garbage disposal, and it's time we realize you can't just ... Wait! Shut up! I just thought of something!
I need a name for my company, something that is cutting edge, like Cut Co, or Edge Com, or Inter-Slice ... How about Compuglobalhypermeganet
... The name's not important.
You don't happen to have a bathroom in there do you?
I guess we'll be going down together, I mean getting off together, I mean ... That's Ok, I'll
just press the button for the stimulator.
Oh Margie, you came and found me a turkey on my vacation away from workie.
Is "poo-poo head" one word or two?
Homer : But Marge you can't go out tommarow, it's Saturday, our special night.
Marge : What's so special about it? Homer : ... Oh! I don't know, a little show called Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
You broke a promise to your duaghter and that made her cry and then Maggie cried. Oh she's such a little trooper.
I have a problem, I am very tempted by another woman Someone : Well if it isn't Homer Simpson, I know lets conference you with Marge
Homer : WAHHH!!!
Oh! I wish I had my reaching broom.
You don't snuggle with Max Power, you strap yourself in and feel the G's.
Wannaseemynewchainsawandhockeymask!!!
... Waaaaaaaaa ... Oh right the Side Show Bob thing.
Ignore the boy, Lord.
I have feelings too - like 'My stomach hurts' or 'I'm going crazy!'
Oooh! ... so everything's wrapped up in a neat little package ... I was serious. Sorry if I sounded sarcastic.
Can't someone else do it?
Marge : You know, it's funny ... your father and my mother both seem very lonely. Homer : Tee hee hee hee hee! That is funny!
Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk ...
Note to self : stop doing anything.
Oh, why do they have to put all of this crud in my newspaper? 'World.' 'The Arts.' 'Religion.' Ah-ha! Here it is : 'Kickin' Back'.
You can't go this far and not go farther.
Homer : Wow, Marge, you really do understand me. See, I thought we weren't soulmates because ... Marge : ... we had a fight? Homer : Right, and we don't like the same things. It's like you're from Venus ...
Marge : ... and you're from Mars. Homer : Oh, sure, give me the one with all the monsters.
For you see, marriage is a lot like an orange. First, you have the skin ... then the sweet, sweet innards ...
A gun isn't a weapon; it's a tool. Like a harpoon, or a hammer or a ... an alligator. You just need more education on this subject.
Well, do you remember the time when your cat snowball died? All we have to do is get another jazzman.
Clown College, phh, you can't eat that.
Homer : ... You could say he's barking up the wrong bush. Homer's Brain : That's it Homer, the cleverest thing you'll ever say and no-one was around to hear it.
When a fire starts to burn, There's a lesson you must learn, Something
... something ... then you'll see, You'll avoid catastrophe.
Public Service Announcement : The following is a public service announcement - beer can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum. Homer : Mmmm ... beer.
Congratulations! You all made the team! Except you, you, and you. Greg, I liked your hustle and your skill. that's why it was so hard to cut you.
Ned flanders : Homer, did you steal my air conditioner?
Homer : I know it looks bad flanders, but he who is without sin casts the first stone (homer gets hit with a rock) Rodd Flanders : I got him, Dad.
Homer : Lenny and Carl are never
around on Wednesday, and they never tell me where they are going
. It's like a conspiracy or something. Bart : A conspiracy, eh? Do you think they were involved in the Kennedy assassination in some way. Homer : I doooo ... now.
Loan Officer : We are gonna have to take your house if you don't pay your mortgage.
Homer : I'll take the numbers off my house. Loan Officer :
We'll look for the house with no numbers. Homer : I'll take the numbers off my neighbor's house. Loan Officer : We'll look
for the house next to the one with no numbers. Homer : D'oh!
Homer : I've always wondered if there was a god, and now I
know - there is, and it's me. Marge : You're not God, Homer.
Lisa : Remember dad, all glory is fleeting. Homer : So?
Lisa : Beware the Ides of March. Homer : No.
Oh, lousy neighbours, I wish I was deaf.
Ms. Krabappel : I believe that with persistent discipline, even the poorest student
can end up being, oh, say, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
Homer : Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. What great men he would join - John Marshall, Charles Evans Hughes, Warren Burgher ... Mmmm ... burger ....
Hang onto that hat, toyboy
, you might need it when it starts raining naked ladies.
Marge : Homer, are you ready ? Homer : Just gotta put my shoes
on. [Homer is in the lounge, wearing only underpants and playing
both cars on a Scalextric set].
Presidential advisor :
Mr. President, this welfare reform is nothing but a washed up ... [the chimp leaps shrieking from his chair and lands on the shoulders of the advisor, and starts raining blows down on his head]. Advisor : Aargh! get off me, Mr. president !
Homer : Heh-heh, that's what ya get for not 'hailing to the chimp'.
Kirk : I sleep in a racing car. Do you ? Homer :
I sleep in a big bed with my wife.
Homer's Voice :
"Greetings, friend. Do you wish to be as happy as me ? Well, you have got the power inside you right now. So use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay, eternal happiness is just a dollar away!"
Homer's Voice : "Hello, this is Homer Simpson, aka Happy Dude. The court has ordered me to call every person in town to apologise for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power!"
Lisa : Names aren't important, Bart. A rose by any other name is still a rose. Bart : Not if they were called stench-blossoms. Homer :
Or crapweeds. Marge : I sure would hate to get 12 crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd much rather have candy. Homer : Not if they were called scumdrops.
God : Don't worry, Homer. Nine out of ten religions fail in their first year.
Superintendent Chalmers : Prayer has no place in the public schools, just like facts have no place in organized religion.
Ned Flanders : Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
Marge Simpson : Dear God, this is Marge Simpson. If you stop this hurricane and save our family, we will be forever grateful and recommend you to all our friends.
HOMER SAYS 
