Ozzy: (To Kelly) Everytime I mention the vagina doctor, you get this little smirk on your face. What have you been up to?
Ozzy: I'll get a pig's head from the butcher's. That'll fuck him up.
Sharon: You're going to have to dye her pink because if he comes back and sees that dog......
Ozzy: I hate these fucking stretch bastards junk pimp mobiles!
Ozzy: Ever since Kelly was born she has what we call a 'wobbler'. It's kind of like a freak-out. Blaaaahhhhh! Waaaaa! -- Over nothing!! She's had a wobbler every day since she's being living. So when you say 'what causes...', it's Kelly!
Ozzy: What do you want me to do with my gun Sharon? Put it under my bed?
Sharon: Whatever you want to do with it.
Ozzy: I'll put it under my bed! (Runs off like an excited five year old.)
Ozzy: Turn that thing off, its driving me mad!!
Kelly: Jack, stop telling people you're Ozzy Osbourne's son to get into places, you're a fucking loser!
Dill(the weird Houseguest): I was always the middle, little kid!!! Well, actually. (thinks) I was the LAST kid.
Ozzy: See ya Tamara!
Sharon: He's got an army haircut, cocaine on his fucking chest, and a knife in his pocket! (About Jack)
Kelly: It tastes like Fizzy Piss, but I'll have some.
Melinda: I'd like a glass of fizzy piss please, I'd love some.
Ozzy: You don't need to hire a dog therapist, you just need to wake up at 7 am and open the fucking door!
Jack: I'm an ass-kicking fat kid.
Ozzy: I love you all. I love you more than life itself, but you're all fucking mad.
Ozzy: Well, its not that bad. I thought she was going to show me a picture of uhhhh...an eagle on her ass or something.
Sharon: Martha Stewart can lick my scrotum!......... Do I have a scrotum?
Kelly's Christina Aguilera impression: Jiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ingle, Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ells.
Kelly: You haven't done anything, its your fucking daughter. I just got a call --when I'm in Tiffany-- from some woman telling me how I should prepare my vagina for my gynecologist appointment tomorrow. She booked me a fucking gynecologist appointment!
Ozzy: All you have to do is say "Fuck Off" when the vagina doctor calls.
Ozzy: (To Kelly after he's become suspicious) You haven't been playing doctors and nurses have you?
**I've quoted a couple of lines from the gynecologist conversation, but you really have to watch the whole thing for yourself. It's the funniest five minutes of television I've ever seen.
Sharon (to the neighbors): We're very religious. So, um, you can catch us before we go to church. Church service is at one, so if you can come at 12 it'd be perfect.
Ozzy: Its like Dr. Doolittle in this fucking house here.
Ozzy: No we won't -- no we won't break the law Sharon.
Television/remote man: We give them the controls and then the owner figures out on their own how to use it. That's how easy it is.
Ozzy: Weather in Afghanistan, 2000 degrees and cloudy. What the fuck am I doing? I'm stuck on the weather channel. AHHH!
Kelly: Your valet guy just farted in my car and it smells un-godly.
The two women who go walking: Its a beautiful neighborhood. Its a very peaceful neighborhood.
Sharon: Ozzy stop. Ozzy. Ozzy, no no no no no, here's the fruit! Ozzy, not the wood, you could be picked up for manslaughter!
Kelly: You're so fucking violent.
Ozzy and Jack: Shut up!
Ozzy: International rock star - gravy maker extraordinaire.
Ozzy: I think she's a fucking fruit loop. (About Tamara, the dog therapist).
Some guy: (singing) Dude looks like a lady...
Ozzy: Hey, what are you talking about...looks like a lady!
Ozzy: Don't drink. Don't take drugs.
Kelly: No I don't, no I don't do that.
Ozzy: And if you have, wear a condom.. (Note Kelly and Ozzy's facial expressions).
Sharon: Did anybody feed the dogs today?
Ozzy: I feel like I'm invisible.
Kelly: Oh, shutup!
Sharon: (In the limo) Look at the ceiling, its like Kelly's bedroom.
Ozzy: Oh, wonderful, we'll live here.
Sharon: Jack, how are you getting there?
Jack: We're walking.
Sharon: Jack, how are you getting there?
Jack: A bus.
Sharon: Who's driving?
Jack: A man with no legs.
Sharon: Well, all the other parents are here Jack! (After he tries to ditch her at the car when she drop him off for his trip).
Conan Obrien: How many crosses do you have there?
Ozzy: I need 'em. I need every one.
Sharon: (About Kelly's tatoo) Who did it?
Kelly: I'm not telling you.
Sharon: Why not?
Kelly: Because I know you're going to go down there and sue them.
Kelly: They make you, like, feed a tree before you feed yourself.
Ozzy: How the fuck you feed a tree?...What...you put a ham sandwich on the tree?
Ozzy: Who pissed!!? Who pissed on my fucking carpet!?! That bastard fucking dog man. I'm going to throw you in the pool! It's a fucking terrorist man! It's fucking part of Bin Laden's gang!
Sharon: What's the difference between Roy Rogers and Will Rogers?
Kelly: Yeah, that's what I was wondering!! Who the fuck is Will Rogers?
Melinda: Don't you want to see your dad?
Jack: I'll see it tonight....that's the Tonight Show.
Melinda: Oh, really?!?! Ah!! I didn't know!
Jack: Well, you are blonde.
Melinda: Fuck off.
Jack: Get a real job.
Kelly: (About her tatoo) Well, you're not going to say anything.
Ozzy: I have to.
Kelly: Dad! Please!
Kelly: (screaming) I don't care! Turn it off, I"m sleeping!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jack: No you're not.
Sharon: The virgin Mary speaks to me. She says you must go to Tiffany. And on the way, stop at Cartier.
Sharon: Kelly just called from the pet shop.
Ozzy: No! No! Forget it! No!
Sharon: Aren't you interested?
Ozzy: If it's a living thing, no.
Kelly: (to Ozzy carrying in her bags): It's all stuff for your bathroom.
Sharon to Ozzy: I haven't even been out anywhere to spend anything, I wish.
Ozzy: Don't get me wrong sweetheart, I adore Lola. She don't like me, she's trying to destroy me.
Sharon: What's right here? (Points to her pancreas or kidneys or something)
Kelly: Your vagina.
Sharon: No--Ugh! (Covers face) Oh my god, she said that word again. We should have named you Vagina Osbourne!
Ozzy: Bubbles! Oh come on Sharon! I'm fucking Ozzy Osbourne, I'm the Prince of fucking Darkness. Evil! Evil! What's fucking evil about a shitload of bubbles!?
Kelly: You don't go to someone's father, "I don't like the redness in your hair". It's fucking rude. I would never go to her father, "Oh, I don't like the baldness, maybe you should get a fucking tupee.".
Kelly: Stick, Mom. Not Dick.
Jack: Oh, you just stepped on the cats tail dude.
Sharon: I just got the school directory and started calling the mothers saying your kid gave my daughter pot, thinking one of them was going to say "oh yes, he did" because I didn't know who the fuck it was.
Jack: Mom! The cops! I"m gonna get nicked, I'm gonna get nicked!
Ozzy: I just won! (After putting quarters in his own slot machine).
Ozzy: Gimme the baby back, baby back, baby back.
Ozzy: Sharon. This looks very dangerous to me. This looks like I'm on tour for the next nine years.
Ozzy (hugging Sharon): Merry xmas.....(more mushy stuff).....now fuck off.
Ozzy cutting the ham: Always look on the bright side of life.......
Sharon: That was good! That hit the ceiling, and the vase, and the floor, that was really well done.
Ozzy: No, don't you start fucking singing, the fucking birds will die.
Ozzy: Well, then its not gum then, you lied to me!
Kelly: You haven't cooked for me since I was like 7 years old!
Sharon: Things are going to change baby.
Ozzy: Stop screaming!!
Sharon: Is he singing?
Kelly: You're not driving my car anymore Mum, I'm sorry.
Ozzy: I'm not picking up dog shit. I'm a rock star.
Kelly: Mom, I have something to tell you. My thong, is so far up my crack right now.
Ozzy: I like the smell of armits in the morning. It's like victory.
Ozzy: (Seeing Sharon put some burnt, black food in the sink) What the fuck is that Sharon?
Ozzy: We're the Osbournes. And I love it.
Thanks to Jen for submitting the following quotes:
Kelly: My teeth, my car, my vagina, my business.
Kelly: I don't really care what people think about my hair. It's my hair, so why should they care? Ooh, that rhymed.
Kelly: She's pissing in the bottle....just like she shit in Dad's bag of weed in Hawaii.
Kelly: Jack, you have like serious anger management issues.
Ozzy: He's up in his room planning his future.
Sharon: The only thing he's planning is his next wank; whether he's going to use his left hand or his right hand.
Thanks to Jen for submitting the following funny moments:
-The blonde freak girl at Ozzy's concert with white shit going all in her mouth.
-When Kelly falls in the hole, onto the sidewalk, and breaks her leg.
-Ozzy walking the dog drunk.
-Ozzy screaming "Sharon" more times then I can count.
-the family meeting.
-when the "vertically challenged" are driving Kelly around in the Golf cart.