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“Welcome to miscomprehensions,” a man in a brown tweed suit, said trying to fix his hideous co mover, “I’m your host Lou Leaveter. Tonight my guests are Henry Kissinger, Alan Greenspan, and the ghost of Jimmy Stewart clinging to his character George Baily. Our discussion tonight should prove to be very exciting seeing as it’s about The Lion King. Mr. Greenspan here has a theory that simba is a creature of true evil and that Scar, who is portrayed as a villain was totally innocent.”
The shaky voice of Jimmy Stewart had entered the conversation now, “I feel Scar is evil. I’ve seen that damned cartoon 20 times,” as brandy sloshed in and out of his glass, “did you hear the music played when he was on screen, it was evil. Now that little monkey with the red bum he’s the hero.”
“Oh this looks heated.” Stated our captain obvious of a mediator as he pleaded with the audience for a laugh.
“Now Mr. Stewart,” said Alan as he was interrupted.
“Call me Mr. Baily!”
“You can’t be serious Jim…”
“George is my name you capitalist pig!” “Fine George! The film editor clearly is depicting Scar as evil because of the music, arrangement of shots, and clearly even color.”
“Even Color,” Lou stated as if he were interested in more than his bellow average paycheck.
“Blah-hum-bah-glah.” Spat Henry Kissinger.
“What?”
“Just ignore him,” Alan shot back trying to gain more camera time, “Do any of you know how he that scar?”
“No, I don’t Mr. Greenspan,” said Lou as he thought about how many illegal immigrants he had smuggled in the country.
The shaky voice reentered the conversation, “It was a bar fight I bet.”
“Wrong George. He gained that sinister looking mark as a cub when Moufasa attacked him over something as menial as a child plaything.”
“Where are your sources devil man?” Stated the ghost as he devoured more brandy.
“Well Gentleman we are here to talk not fight.”
“Can it Lou,” shouted Alan, “my sources are deleted scenes on the collectors edition DVD, the prequel in re-production, and my interviews with Elton John.”
“Those are fine sources,” Jimmy Stewart said sarcastically.
“Anyways the happy music Simba had in his scenes aided him in looking good. Lets look at the story as we go on. He’s born and happy. Then time goes on and the damn punk goes into a graveyard he is told not to go in plus he drags and innocent girl with him. Then he’s rescued.”
Inaudible noises echoed out of Henry’s mouth. “So what? Is that what your asking Kissinger? Scar tried to help the kid. Lets fast forward to the death of Moufasa. Now what kind of music plays? Dark dismal music. When scar reaches out to grab his brothers’ hand his brother falls. That’s not his fault. Then the little punk runs away. He’s kidnapped by a stupid warthog and an even stupider prairie dog.”
“Well the didn’t kidnap him. They took him in and offered him a home. They gave him food and love...,” said Stewart before he was interrupted.
“Love is not force feeding your captives bugs. Look the basically trained the kid to be a killer. Not that they had to, it was in him. They hoped him up on drugs too, and that was why he was able to talk to his dead daddy.”
That unique quiver in Jimmys’ voice came rushing back with his opinion. “I like those scenes where Simba talks to his dad. The clouds move and shift about.”
“Fine have your opinion, but that nice girl Nala wasn’t aloud hers.”
“Well now what do you mean?” asked Jimmy Stewart
“He date raped her. During that whole,” putting up his fingers as quotation marks, “can you feel the love tonight crap,” he lowered his arms, “he slipped her a roffie. Isn’t that evil?”
“Why yes, yes it is,” agreed Lou, “What do you think Mr. Baily?” he spoke in a patronizing tone. Jimmy Stewart sat in his chair with drool running down the side of his face. His challis of brandy was half empty. He appeared as if he had died again. “Mr. Baily?” Lou asked while trying to shake him awake.
A fire was lit under him it looked like, Jimmy Stewart sprang back to life, “Clarence, Clarence. Where are you buddy. I’m gonna,” he said between hiccups, “ring you a bell till I sees some wings on ya.”
“Mr. Baily,” shouted Lou.
“Here’s momma dollar and poppa dollar. They’re gonna make me some b-e-a-utiful babies.”
“Now settle down Mr. Baily.” Stated Lou as he hit the large red panic button to summon the séance woman. Her job was to come down and reorientate the soul ghostly figure. “We’ll be back after these commercial messages.”
“What makes Evil ? Simba vs. Scar.” Echoed the announcers voice in a cool techno effect. “And were back,” said Lou with a lack of technological power driving his voice.
“Back to what I was saying,” said Alan, “then Simba in his truest form of evil decides he will wage war against King Scar. This is despicable because not only is he comminting treason, but he will also trash his 401k plan. So now this right wing militant punk is running in to blast up the homes of others. Simba didn’t deserve to win that fight, he didn’t deserve the trown.”
“Well that concludes our program thank you and good night.”