An Open Letter to Eagles Fans from Archie McAdoo, Attorney at Large
Dear Eagles Fans,
Reputed to be a big eater myself, I've followed the Great Hoagie Controversy with interest. The Eagles's prez says the ban on outside food is a security measure. Skeptics respond that the Eagles organization's total control of in-stadium food concessions just might be the driving force behind the ban. "Exploding hoagies? Hah!" they taunt.
Having prayed and fasted upon the matter (well, no, not really)... I visualize the two sides of the argument like the two slabs of bread on the outside of a hoagie. Hey, I like the bread as much as the next hoagie-fan. But what makes or breaks a hoagie is the meat. So let's pull the meat out of this hoagie-hassle.
Start with the simple fact that a game of football is 60 minutes long. Throw in half-time plus all the interruptions for commercials, penalties, time-outs, incomplete passes, etc. And you end up with two, maybe two and half hours from kick-off to curtain. Fair enough? No? All right... McNabb gets blind-sided and can't be moved from the field. A crazed fan leaps the railing, dodges the cops and tackles a player. One of the officials collapses with a heart attack. Three hours, tops.
Second, tailgating... a euphemism for all the beer-drinking and serious eating that goes on before you fans ever hand over your tickets and enter the stadium. No matter whether its Sunday dinner at home prior to the drive down, brunch at Downey's on South Street before boarding the shuttle bus, or food and booze off of an actual tailgate of a pick-up or SUV in the lot... bottom line: How many of you actually begin the game on an empty stomach? I'm betting... heck, I'm giving odds, the number approaches zero.
Now, brace yourselves for number three... this one could hurt a little. Latest statistics reveal that something like 60 percent of adult Americans are overweight. And many of us fatties are in the "obese" category. If you are inclined to dispute such stats, just drop by an Old Country Buffet some Sunday, when you don't have a home game to get to, and take a gander at the clientele. Sorry, sports fans, but we have grown into a nation of fatties.
So... one plus two plus three. What does it all add up to? The math tells me that every Eagles fan should be capable of sitting on his or her well-packed buttocks and watching three hours of football without eating or drinking a darned thing.
Does that spike the Great Hoagie Controversy like Duce Staley spikes the football after entering the other guy's end zone? I say it does.
But, then, I'm just a cynical old lawyer. Pragmatic solutions are my bread and butter... my meat and potatoes... and yes, my occasional hoagie. For those of you who insist this is a matter of principle --- a new front opened up in the fight for Fatty Rights in the Land of the Fat and the Home of the Obese--- well, I can't wait to watch you hobbling past the guards and ticket takers, only to pull those bent and crushed hoagies out of your trouser legs and from under your skirts.
Bon Appetit!
Archie McAdoo
