British Humor - lesbian funnies

lesbian & gynaecologist

A lesbian has to go to the gynaecologist. The doctor tells her to undress and put her legs up in the stirrups. After the examination, the doctor comments. " young lady you have the cleanest girl thingy of any I have examined in my entire career. The woman replies, " Well I should have, I have a woman cum in 7 days a week."

Woman & pharmacist

A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator. The pharmacist gestured with her index finger and said, "Cum this way." The woman replied, "If could cum that way, I wouldn't need a bloody vibrator."

Room Mates

Two lesbian girls find that they are room mates but neither knows of the others sexuality. After weeks and weeks of trying to figure a way to tell her room mate, Debbie walks over to Sue who is laying on her bed and says...."Sue, let me be frank...."
Sue immediately replies, "No, Debbie, please, let me be Frank".

Lesbian Golf

Sally and Jane were playing golf. On the tee off, Sally drove the ball left, Jane to the right.

Sally found her ball tucked in a patch of buttercups. Grabbing a club, she took a mighty swing at the ball. She hit a perfect shot but in the process hacked the heck out of the buttercups.

Suddenly, a woman appears out of nowhere. She stands in front of Sally and says, "I am Mother Nature and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, every time you eat butter, you will become violently sick." Then Mother Nature disappeared.

Sally, shaken by her experience, calls out to her partner. "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the girl thingy willows," came the reply.

Don't hit the ball!!! Don't hit the ball!!!" Sally screamed.

The Cowboy & the Lesbian

An old cowboy, dressed in a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar, sat down, and ordered a drink.

As he was sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences . . . so I reckon I am."

After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV. Everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left, and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Three lesbians died and went to heaven.

An angel asks the first one how many times she cheated on her lover. "Once", she answered.

The angel gave her the keys to a Ferrari to drive around heaven. The angel asked the second one how many times she cheated on her lover. "Three," she answered.

The angel gave her the keys to a Toyota to drive around heaven. The angel asked the third one how many times she cheated on her lover. "Eight times," she answered.

Shaking her head, the angel gave her the keys to aeccentric little car the 3 wheel reliant robin.

Later in the day, the three lesbians meet up again. The one who was given the Ferrari was crying her eyes out. "What's wrong," the other two asked. She answered, "I just saw my lover. She was riding a tricycle!"

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    The Gravy ladle

    Heather's mother had long been suspicious about her daughter's sexuality. After having dinner with Heather and her new roommate, Suzy, she was even more convinced. "I know what you must be thinking Mom," Heather said, reading the expression on her mother's face. "But I assure you Suzy and I are just roommates.

    About a week later, Suzy was looking for the silver gravy ladle. "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I haven't been able to find it. You don't suppose she took it do you?" "I doubt it," Heather said. "But I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

    Heather's letter read, " Dear Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you didn't. But, the fact remains that one has been missing since you were here for dinner."

    Several days later, Heather received a response from her Mom. it read, " Dear daughter, I'm not saying you DO sleep with Suzy and I'm not saying you DON'T. But, the fact remains that if Suzy was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now."

    Should you wash your pussy?

    Ms Givings explains how to care for a girl's best friend Do girl thingys really need to be bathed? Not always. In fact, most girl thingys only need to be bathed if they start to exude a foul smelling or harmful substance, or have a skin condition. I have never bathed my pussy. You can do a fine job of keeping your pussy clean with your tongue and fingers, and frequent bathing can actually dry it's skin and hair and cause more problems than it solves. But if you must do it, here's the proper way:

    Bathing pussy

    First, brush or comb your pussy thoroughly. Never wet a matted coat. Few modern short-haired girl thingys will have mats, but if any sticky substance such as hardened cream or chocolate is in the fur, carefully clip or comb it out before wetting. Wetting will only make such problems worse. Use a gentle, natural shampoo for your pussy. Avoid lanolin, deodorants, pesticides, or citrus fruits. All these things are irritating or toxic to girl thingys, or coat their fur. My partner personally likes some of the new products containing oatmeal, which taste really nice and leaves the skin of my pussy feeling really soft and clean.

    Have a pile of towels, and somewhere to sit while your partner or close friend holds your pussy. Use an empty shampoo bottle, and mix the shampoo with warm water, so when you apply it to your pussy it's warm, not cold. Cold liquids will make pussy flinch. Don't forget to lay a folded towel under your pussy's bottom to soak up any spills. This makes any pussy feel really secure. I like to have the water running before I begin washing my pussy. I let the towel get nice and warm and wet before sitting her down on it. Hold pussy firmly with your fingers grasping the fur if necessary. Then use a hand-held sprayer to gently wet her all over before finishing her off with a brisk rub down. If you find this over-excites your pussy you are washing her too often.

    T-shirts for women who take no crap

    1- I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

    2- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

    3- Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

    4- Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

    5- Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

    6- I'm multitalented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

    7- Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

    8- You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

    9- Don't piss me off - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

    10- Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares?

    11- I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

    12- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

    13- I hate everybody, and you're next.

    14- Please don't make me kill you.

    15- And your point is...

    16- I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

    17- All stressed out and no one to choke.

    18- I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

    19- How can I miss you if you won't go away?

    20- Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

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