"Stands," corrected Sanzo.
"...this small black chicken which _stands_ in front of us. This chicken right here. Is Toturi -the recently deceased Emperor-'s fifth heir?"
"That is what I am trying to suggest yes," replied Sanzo calmly.
"Alright, first of all 'Sanzo' if that is your real name, what are you doing here? I thought you died years ago."
"Oh I did," replied Sanzo happily, "but I was so vital to the Empire that I was reincarnated. I'm now Sanzo the soul of Sanzo."
"A-hem." Miyako interrupted "if I recall correctly, the only thing you did of any note was try to kill the Emperor, that hardly sounds vital to the Empire."
"But I failed," countered soul of Sanzo, swelling with pride. "That means I saved his life. In a way."
"Check him for Gold bugs!" Yelled Miyako, leaping over and pinning Sanzo to the ground.
"What a second, why have you got that blue glow all around you?" I exclaimed.
"Oh that, no reason, I mean, I'm radioactive, that's why." Sanzo suggested shiftily.
"You're a spirit aren't you?" Accused Miyako, applying more pressure to Sanzo's throat.
"Yes yes alright, no need to tell everyone in the Empire," choked Sanzo, finally managing to weasel his way out of Miyako's grip and taking cover behind a table. "We spirits aren't too popular at the moment. That's why I agreed to stay here and look after Toturi's fifth heir."
"Right," I said, trying to bring things back to order. "How about you start explaining about this chicken."
"Well," began Sanzo, taking a seat and motioning us to do the same. "It all began many years ago. Me, Toku, Garou and Agetoki were just out of High School when we..."
# # # #
four months before the funeral
Toturi, the Emperor of Rokugan, and his wife Kaede (who just happens to be the oracle of the void) are relaxing in the imperial chambers after a long days Emperoring.
"Say, umm Kaede," began Toturi nervously, trying to catch her attention.
"Hmmmm?" returned the Empress, bringing herself back from the contemplation of infinity.
"I was just thinking, you know, to myself. Wouldn't it be funny if, just hypothetically, I had like umm, another kid that you didn't know about," Toturi managed to stammer, before breaking out in nervous laughter, "we could all have a laugh at something like that couldn't we? Hypothetically"
Kaede looked at Toturi with eyes that bespoke the power of an elemental dragon, eyes that had seen things no mortal has seen, let alone comprehended. "No Toturi, I don't think that would be very funny at all."
"Of course not, of course not," effused the Son of Heaven, "I was just, um, checking."
"Are you perhaps referring to Kaneka?" Kaede suggested.
"Who? Oh! Right, Kaneka, yeah, ummm I mean that's right Kaneka, that's my only bastard son, of course. He's umm yes..." Toturi trailed off into an uncomfortable silence.
"Maybe I should go and talk to him." Suggested Toturi, more to break the silence than anything else.
"Whatever." Replied Kaede, who had just about had enough of such puny mortals as her husband.
# # # #
"...and then I killed the ninja's, slung Agetoki and Turi -both severely wounded- over my shoulders and carried them to safety." Concluded Sanzo with an expansive gesture.
"That story -apart from not making any sense whatsoever- had nothing to do with Toturi having a fifth heir, let alone a fifth heir that is a chicken." I pointed out.
"Hmmmm," considered Sanzo. "I suppose so, well, what happened was Garou accidentally -that guy was always getting me into trouble- accidentally turned Toturi into a chicken..."
Miyako interrupted. "What exactly do you mean when you say that Toturi was a chicken? Toturi was no coward."
It was Sanzo's turn to look puzzled. "You mean Toku never told you about that? About all our great adventures?"
"No."
"I think you'd better go and talk to your father."
# # # #
A few days before the funeral
The Sword and Ogre is a small bar in an out of the way part of Ryoko Owari. It was getting near closing time and it had been a quiet day, the only occupant being the bartender and the dark samurai who had just entered.
"What'll it be, stranger?" Asked the bartender.
"Oh, I don't drink any more, at least not since I died." Replied the stranger. "I'm just killing time till my appointment."
"Yeah, a death can change a man." Agreed the bartender. He lived after all, not too far from the Great wall.
"You know, you look a lot like the Emperor," continued the bartender.
"I am the... I mean, I am very similar to Toturi, except I have this mustache." Replied the stranger, pointing to the fake mustache loosely attached to his upper lip.
"Hmmmm," replied the bartender. If you run a pub in the Scorpion lands for long enough you learn to not get too curious. "Sure you wont have a drink?" He asked.
"Definitely not." Replied the stranger firmly.
# # # #
10 minutes later
"AND IF ONE JADE BOTTLE... SHOULD AKSHIDENTRY FALL.....(A pause for calculations)...THERE'LL BE SHIX JADE BOTTLES...ummmm... where wash I?" Asked the now completely smashed stranger.
"I think you were just deciding to leave." Hinted the bartender, busily moping spilled sake from off the counter.
"No! more drink, more drink. You don't unnerstand me barkeep. No one unnerstandsh me. My wife ish a...ish a magic thingee, she don't unnerstan' me, got four kids, five kids if you count the chicken, they don't unnershtan' me." Sobbed the inebriated Emperor.
"I got a son like that," condoled the bartender, "he was offered a most prestigious position -the new Scorpion Clan Martyr, but would he take it? No. An embarrassment to the whole family he was."
"No, you don unnershatn, you she, I wash a chicken, an there wash thish other chicken an she wash a beautiful chicken and I... what wash I saying?"
"You were just saying you were about to leave." The good thing about drunks is that they don't notice if you use the same joke twice.
"No, I wan' more drink... gimme some of that shtuff." Said Toturi pointing to large red sake bottle held in a cabinet all of its own.
"Sorry buddy, you can't have that, nobody can drink that stuff. I just keep it here for show."
"Gimme!" Commanded the Emperor of Rokugan.
"Look pal, that's 'Big Red Oni' brand sake, noone can drink that stuff and live."
"I can handle anything." Declared Toturi confidently.
# # # #
The journey to the Monkey lands was again a silent one, but I'm almost sure that this time Miyako was just deep in thought. I bet she'd already forgotten about that whole 'ruining her chances to become Emerald Champion and disgracing her family's name' thing. Pretty sure anyway.
Needless to say I decided to play it smooth.
"You know Miyako, I really like you and everything but I'm not sure if I'm ready for you to introduce me to your Father."
"Shut up Uso, this isn't about you, it's about him." She replied, gesturing towards the chicken which sat complacently in its cage. A cage which I had the great honour of protecting.
"Right right, 'the Chicken'. Gotcha."
# # # # #
Scorpion Clan Champion, Bayushi Yojiro just happened to drop in on the Sword and Ogre, having just finished his yearly tour of Ryoko Owari, accompanied by Imperial Magistrate Bayushi Suneku. Upon entering, Yojiro surveyed the room. It was right on closing time and there was no-one else in the room except for the bartender and the figure slumped over the bar that he was trying to wake up through application of sharp jabs to the kidneys.
"Is there a problem here?" Asked Yojiro, striding purposefully across the room.
"Ummm, not at all my Lord. I was simply trying to wake up this drunkard." Replied the bartender, bowing profusely.
"Allow me, I dealt with enough drunkards in my magistrate days." Yojiro explained, motioning for Suneku to roll over the inebriated stranger.
"Sir! He's not drunk......He's dead!" Gasped Suneku, letting the corpse fall out of his arms and onto the ground.
"Hmmmm, it would appear so," murmured Yojiro, bending over to remove the fake mustache from the dead man's face. "What's more, he's the Emperor."
The bartender gasped and took a step back, then, not sure on the etiquette for dealing with a dead emperor, hastily bowed.
"Not another one!" Moaned Suneku. "Are we going to get purged again, sir?"
"There may be a way around it," mused Yojiro, running his fingers through his beard.
"But this will be, like, the third one in a row we'll get blamed for. I don't want to go back to the burning sands!" Suneku began to sob quietly to himself.
"Stop crying Suneku," commanded Yojiro, standing up and heading for the door, "and pick up the body, we've got work to do."
# # # #
General Toku was delighted to see his daughter again. However for me introductions are always a bit awkward due it a certain fact that takes up a large part of my life story.
"So what clan were you from Uso?" Toku asked. The dreaded question.
So I told him.
Miyako, who already knew burst out laughing again. Her father only said, "gosh, that is interesting." I guess he's heard a lot of strange things in his days.
"Anyway," I said, giving the still cackling Miyako a pointed look. "We're wondering if you could tell us about this chicken." So saying I held out the caged chicken.
"Ah Toturi Niwatori, it looks like Sanzo's been taking good care of you." Smiled Toku, tickling the chicken under its beak. "I suppose I'd better explain about how Toturi got turned into a chicken, you see, Toturi had a bit of a drinking problem -I understand he's over it now- and Toshimoko asked me and Garou to take him somewhere to sober up..."
# # # #
One day before the funeral
"..and then I finally managed to beat back the Oni hordes and recover the body." Concluded Yojiro.
"More oni than on the day of thunder?" Repeated Kaede doubtfully.
"I'm sure of it." Answered Yojiro confidently.
"And you after they killed my husband you fought them off single-handedly?"
"Well, Bayushi Suneku was with me," conceded the Scorpion champion. "But he was killed...by the oni...of course."
"You say Toturi was cut down by a giant red oni?"
The Scorpion Champion nodded.
"There don't seem to be any sword marks on the body." Observed the Empress.
"Well, yes. Not even an Oni would, um, dare to ah, injure the body of the son of heaven." Yojiro suggested, not quite managing to meet Kaede's eyes.
"Hmmm," pondered Kaede. "Just one more thing." "Yes my lady?"
"Why does he have that stupid grin on his face?"
# # # #
"...and that's how Toturi's fifth heir was born." Concluded Toku.
"So let me get this straight," I tried. "You accidentally turned Toturi _the Emperor_ into a chicken, then lost him."
Toku nodded happily.
"Then while he was lost he met another chicken, resulting in _this_ chicken." I held up the imperial cage.
"That's right." Grinned Toku.
"What do you want us to do father? Why did you send me to get him?" Asked Miyako.
"Toturi entrusted Niwatori to me and Sanzo, saying that we should look after him. Now that Toturi is dead I think its only fair that Niwatori be given a shot at becoming the new Emperor."
"So what do you want us to do?"
"Well, ummm, you know. Help him do whatever it is that Winds are meant to do. Political manipulations and such-like."
"But he's a _chicken_!" I pointed out.
"I'm sure you'll do very well," beamed Toku. "Now if you'll excuse me I have to go and hide, I heard a rumor that Matsu Hataki is heading this way, and for some reason he always comes and beats me up." So saying, Toku stood up and climbed through a small door I hadn't noticed before, the sign above it said 'ancestral hidey-hole of the Monkey clan.
I turned to Miyako and gave her my most winning of smiles. "Looks like its just you and me now."
"And the chicken." She returned with a glare.
"Ah yes, and the chicken, I suppose we'd better head to Kyuden Miya."