Welcome to my site of observational humor. As the title of the page may have you believe, I am an amateur comedian. I've always considered myself a pretty humorous person, although most of my comedic talents so far in my relatively young life has been devoted to lowbrow toilet humor and cheap puns. While most of my friends get a pretty good kick out of that stuff, I wanted something more. And that's when I studying the work of the great Jerry Seinfeld. Sure, I've always been a fan of his sitcom, but I never thought he would inspire me to do what he does best: to overanalyze every little tidbit of ordinary life down to is atomic level and extract its comedic juices until it cries for mercy.
And that's what I have done here for you. So enjoy, and Mr. Seinfeld, if you happen upon this page by accident one day while surfing for porn or after having sex with your wife (a lovely woman, by the way), know that this page is not a ripoff, but a tribute! And really, who can tell the difference anyway? As for those of you who are still reading this, enjoy!
Baseball
I've never been a fan of baseball. Don't get me wrong; I'm not one of those prissy guys who hate sports. Sports is as big a part of American culture as gambling, crime, soccer moms (ESPECIALLY THEM!), and hazing of uninitiated frat boys. But baseball is one of those sports that I just cannot understand. I mean, this is a sport where a crowd of 50,000 people sit outdoors in a 100,000 sq-foot stadium, only to watch a guy try to hit a ball no bigger than the size of an apple! Can't they at least make the bat a little wider, or the ball a little bigger?
And here's another thing about baseball. I was watching them announcing the Gold Glove winners for this season, and I started thinking: why do they call it the Gold Glove? I mean, how can a baseball player even catch a ball with a gold glove? Do you have any idea how much a gold glove would weigh? You would hardly be able to hold one up, let alone run with it and make a catch. I would think that a good fielder would receive the Aluminum Glove award, beceause as we all know, aluminum is light and strong at the same time.
Skim Milk
I don't enjoy skim milk. I personally cannot taste the difference between it and the regular milk, but every time I look at a carton of the skim stuff, I stare in disgust. Maybe it's the idea that with skim milk, you're basically paying the same amount of money for less product. I mean, that's what they do when they "skim" the milk, right? They take fat out and try to have you believe that you're still getting the same kind of deal that you get when you're buying regular milk. And worst of all, the dairy farmers make it seem like you're getting more from buying skim milk because it's supposed to be better for you. Well, I don't buy it! My nutritional status is my business, and nobody is going to deprive me of my milk ingredients as long as I'm in command of my body!
Haircuts
But if there is a bigger scam than skim milk, it's the haircut. Basically, when you get a haircut, you're paying somebody to remove parts of your body! Isn't that ridiculous? Would you pay a guy to chop your legs off? I think not!
And whenever I go to a barber shop, I'm always presented with a dilemma. Should I have the guy cut my hair as short as possible, or just give me a trim? On one hand, since you're paying the barber to take stuff from you anyway, it would be wise to minimize your losses and get just a trim. But on the other hand, since you're also paying for the time you spend on the barber chair, why not stay there for as long as possible and have him take out as much as he can? Needless to say, this decision has always caused me a lot of stress.
Old-time cartoons
Notice that old-time cartoons were a hell of a lot more violent than the new ones they're showing now? As recently as a few years ago, a kid could still easily find a quality Warner Brothers cartoon where Bugs Bunny would shoot Elmer Fudd with his own shotgun, where Wile E. Coyote would fall down a cliff four or five times every show, or where Daffy would swallow heavy explosives to try to upstage Bugs.
But what does a kid find on TV nowadays? Pokemon, Digimon, and various other "-mon" roaming the airwaves. Even superhero cartoons like Batman have been "childproofed", just in case some second grader still believes that violence in Merrie Melodies are realistic, I guess. If I were in charge, every cartoon approved for television must contain at least one act of ridiculous violence. Which, of course, is why I am not in charge.
Arabs and Turbans
What's the deal with Arabs and their turbans? Is there an actual reason why they're even used as an acceptable form of clothing? If you're living in the desert all your life, I would think that the absolute last thing you'd want to wear is a heavy cloth wrapped around your head. Seriously, I bet an average Arab must sweat a gallon a day from his head alone! What is motivating these people to go on torturing themselves like this?
Cats as Suicide Bombers
I think cats would make excellent suicide bombers/soldiers. Think about it. The one main downfall of using people as suicide bombers is that they can only attack once, right? Not with cats! They can attack 9 times before biting the dust. You can strap little machine guns to their paws and drop them from airplanes, and those little guys would rack up tens of kills before even hitting the ground. If George W. is reading this right now (and I suspect he is), he knows what to do!
McDonald's
What do you think the "Mc-" prefix stands for in McDonald's food? Does it mean "not-"? Cause that's what it seems like when I look at a McRib sandwich. I would like the people at McD's to just stop kidding themselves and just call their food what it is -- "McFood".
And what about those commercials where some people are eating at McDonald's, and all of a sudden Ronald McDonald pops up out of nowhere? Not once in my life have I ever seen Ronald McDonald at any of the locations where I've eaten. Not the real guy. Not even some guy wearing make-up to look like him. I mean, not only do these commercials show burgers that are twice as big as they are in real life, they're also duping people with phony Ronald McDonald appearances. Kind of makes me wonder why I used to actually look forward to grabbing a Big Mac.
ImitationIf imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then why do people sue for copyright infringement? Do they just not enjoy being flattered? I could just picture the prosecuting attorney now during one of these trials: "Your honor, today I aim to prove that my client has been unfairly flattered by one Mr. Thompson. How the defendent found it appropriate to commit an act of flattery is just a mockery of the moral foundations on which this great nation was built."
Infomercials
I love infomercials. They are the closest thing commoners have to having their own private freakshow at home. My favorites are the ones for hair-removal agents, because they always show this "before/after" guy who has facial hair on one side of his face and none on the other. This always amuses me. I really admire that guy. He must have a real healthy self-esteem if he can tolerate looking like Two-Face in front of a television audience. Of course, since nobody watches these shows anyway, I doubt the half-shaven guy is too worried about being "spotted" in public. "Hey, aren't you that guy in the Beard-Be-Gone infomercial?" "Why, yes! I didn't think anyone would notice me without my make-up on."
Being Heard
I love those peope who always say something like, "hey, you're gonna love this" or "want to hear a funny story?" when they want to start a conversation. I mean, do they do that because he actually has nothing interesting to say? And if so, why don't they just come up with more interesting stuff instead of fooling people into talking to them? Of course, the fact that they're trying to mislead you into stopping and talking to them demonstrates that they're at least trying. At least they're not saying something like, "Move along now. I got nothing interesting to say. Move along!"
Phone Sex Lines
I am proud to say that I have never called a 900 number in my life, but when the time comes that I do feel the urge to do so, I know I'm getting a great deal, since they always seem to charge 69 cents a minute. Do these phone sex companies realize that they're limiting the amount of money they can make by charging 69 cents? I mean, just because 69 is supposedly a provocative number doesn't mean they must use it in the price. And even if they do, can't they charge $6.90? Or $69.69? Maybe these companies could even designate a new erotic number, just so they can make a little more money. I could imagine the board of directors now, "Listen everyone, starting today, 450 will officially be an erotic number. Our profits took a dive last quarter, and this is the only solution."
All products, companies, people, etc., belong to whoever they belong to. Please don't sue me. Please!!!!!!! Also, ALL jokes listed on this page belong to ME, and only ME. If you can't spare the five minutes of work I devoted into coming up with this stuff, you probably don't deserve even these jokes anyway.