One-liners
- I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
- The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
- If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all...unless it's a REALLY good crack that'll get everyone else to laugh at them.
- It's always darkest before dawn...so if you're going to steal the neighbors newspaper, that's the time to do it.
- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
- It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown...and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
- I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.
- Always take the time to smell the roses...and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.
- When I'm feeling down I like to whistle...it makes my neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Follow your dreams. Except for the ones where you're in school in your underwear.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation...
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- TV ads show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a bloodstained T-shirt, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
- Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
- If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- Denial ain’t just a river in Africa.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.