Pick-up lines (I know I know, they're not EXACTLY jokes, but some are soo stupid they deserve to be)
Blondes
MUCH MUCH MORE
Hey all: lets start with some good Yo Mamma jokes
"Yo mamma is soo FAT, that when she stepped on the scale, it read TO BE CONTINUED"
"Yo mamma is so NASTY that she put ice down her pants just to keep her crabs fresh"
"Yo mamma is so STUPID that she got fired from the M&M factory, for throwing out all the W's"
"Yo mamma is so FAT, the last time she say 90210, was on the scale"
"Yo mamma is soooo FAT when she jumped into the sky, she got STUCK!"
"Yo mamma is so poor, that for Christmas, instead of getting coal, you got a piece of paper with the word: COAL, written on it"
Take a deep breath, throw away that notebook, cause these have no use... yes yes, they're called PICK-UP LINES
Hey baby, you might not be the best looking girl here, but thats only one light switch away
Did you just fart? Cause you Blew me away!
Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
I'm Drunk.
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
AND NOW some BLONDE JOKES
A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, Santa Clause, and the Easter Bunny. Which one doesn't fit?
Answer: The Dumb Blonde, all the rest are make believe.
Three Blondes are walking in the woods, and come upon a pair of tracks. The 1st thinks its a Deer, the 2nd thinks its a Moose, and the 3rd thinks its from a Bear. They are still arguing when the Train hits em.
how many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Answer: None, they screw in hot tubs
A blonde, a Brunette, and a Red-head are driving through the desert; when suddenly their car breaks down. They each take something that they may need later, as they walk the brunette asks the red-head "Why did u take a bag of sandwiches? the red head replies "Cause if we get hungry, we'll have something to eat." she asks the brunette "And why did you bring water?" the brunette says "Cause if we get thirsty, we'll have something to drink." Then they both turn to the Blonde and at the same time they asked "Why did you bring the CAR DOOR!?!" the blonde replies "Well d'uh, if it gets hot, I can just roll down the window!"
Why are blondes burried in Y shaped coffins?
Answer: Because whenever they get layed on their backs their legs automatically open.
What do blonds call hair dye?
Answer: Artificial intelligence
What do you call a smart blonde?
Answer: A golden retriever.
what do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells
Answer: pregnant
A blond goes to an electronics shop as says: "Sir, I"d like to buy that TV over there"
Salesguy: "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
Now the blonde really wants the tv, so goes home, paints her hair brown, goes back to the store and says: "Sir, I"d like to buy that TV over there" Again, the salesguy says: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." The blonde, really disappointed then says: "Alright, I'll accept the fact you don't sell to blondes, but you have to tell me, I went through all the trouble of painting my hair brown, and you still know I'm a blonde... How do you know that?" Salesperson: "Because we sell microwaves not Tv's"
The Blondes are trapped on a Island, and they find a Genie in a Bottle. Each one is given one wish. The 1st one says "I wish I was smart enough to get off this island". So the Genie grants her wish, turns her into a red head and she swims off. The 2nd one says, " I want to be smarter than her, and also get off the Island," so the Genie turns her into a Brunnete, and she builds a boat an rows off. The 3rd one says " I want to smarter than both of them!" So the Genie turns her into a Man and she takes the bridge.
How many Dumb blonde jokes are there?
Answer: Just this one, all the rest are true.
Finally here are some Other Jokes
An alien walks into a bar and orders a beer after a couple drinks he turn to the guy next to him and pokes him and says "ZZAP!" the man "says don't do that" and so a couple drinks later the alien does it again so the man says "if you do that again i will pull down your pants" so after even more drinks the alien does it again and as the man said he grows and pulls the aliens pants down. the man notices the alien has no genitals so he says "how do aliens have sex?" the alien smiles and pokes him and says "ZZAP!"
Whay do they call it PMS? answer: Becaase "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken
"VODOO DICK": A man was going on a buisness trip for a week, so he went to an exotic store, to find someting that will occupy his wife until she gets back (She was a horny woman). So he looked around saw some dildos, blow up dolls, nothing seemed to look good enough. So he went up to the clerk and asked if he had any ideas. the Clerk showed him a box and said "This is not for sale, but it may do the trick." he opened the box, and there was a dildo. The man says "I don't want a dildo... I want a miracl." the clerk told him just to watch. He said "Vodoo Dick, Key hole" he pointed to the door at the entrance to the store, The dick then floated up, and hoovered over to the keyhole, and began to screw the door, after a minute, the door began to crack, so the clerk said "Vodoo dick back in the box."
The man was shocked, "I'll take it, he put 100 dollars on the table" the Clerk said "Im sry its not for sale. he offered $200, still the clerk declined. So after the man offered $500 dollars, the clerk gave in, and told him the istructions. So the man went home and told the wife "To work it, all you need to do is say "Vodoo dick, Pussy" and it'll occupy you very well." So he went off on his trip. About 2 days later, the wife began to think who she could call, for some pleasure, then remeber the "Vodoo dick" and decided to give it a try. So she said "Vodoo dick, Pussy." and it started screwing her. after about three great Orgy's she tried to pull it out. but it wouldn't budge. so whe threw her clothes on, ands drove to the hospital, as she drove she had frequent Orgy's, and would swevre all over the road. Soon qa cop pulled her over, and asked to see her liscense. She told her about the Vodoo dick. and the Officer replied "Vodoo dick my Ass!"
Heres a true list: 10 things in golf that sound dirrty: 1) look at the size of his putter 2) oh dang, my shafts bent! 3) you really wacked the hell out of that sucker 4) after 18 holes I can barely walk 5) my hands are so sweaty I cant get a grip 6) lift your head and spread your legs 7) you have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired just turn your back and drop it 9) hold up. i've got to wash my balls 10)damn, I missed the hole again!
What's the difference between a brown baby and a black baby?
Answer: About 10 minutes in the Microwave!
Q: Why are black guys eyes red after sex? A: From the pepper spray
Q: What's the definition of the word "Confusion"?
A: Father's day in Harlem.
Q: What did God say when he saw the first black person?
A: Ooops, I burnt one!
Q: What's the definition of black foreplay?
A: Don't scream or I'll kill you.
A zebra dies and goes to heaven and asks St. Peter "am I white with black stripes? Or Black with white stripes?" St Peter didn't know, and sent the Zebra to god. the Zebra once again asks "am I white with black stripes? Or Black with white stripes?" And God says "You are what you are" The Zebra goes back to St. Peter and says :Im confused God told me 'you are what you are'" St. Peter tells the Zebra "you are White, with Black stripes" the Zebra asked how he knew. And st. Peter says "if you were black with white stripes God would have said 'you is what you is'"
One evening, in a a Scottish Pub, a scottish man was sitting drinking his beer. When a beautiful lady walks in, the man can't help but stare. the lady asks would you like to know my name? the man goes, "Yes how on earth did you know?" she replied "By the twinkle in your eye." Later she asks "would you like to go take a walk?" he asked once again "How could you tell?" she said "By the twinkle in your eye" then as they walked she asked "would you like to kiss me?" the man replied "Yes, how'd you tell?" the lady answered "I could tell by the twinkle in your eye. Then she asked "Would you like to go screw in that ally?" The man asked "How could you tell, by the twinkle in my eye?" the woman quickly answered "No, by the tilt in your kilt!"
I was walking out of a store when I noticed a Cop writing a ticket, I pleaded with him not to do it, he said nothing and kept writing. So I called him a "Nazi" and he went around back and wrote a ticket for my deflating tire. So I started swearing at him, so he wrote a ticket for my language towards him. The more I yelled the more tickets he wrote. Until finally he ran out of tickets and left. I smiled and when to my car parked behind the massly ticketed double parked car.
Now for a Totally NEW Direction
I give comments/thoughts on random stuff
Wow heres a random thought(however, this is not my own thought) "How come when you laugh, while drinking Grape Juice.... it comes out your nose?"
The "Black Sheep" of the family... everyone has one in their family, you can't avoid them, they're EVERY WHERE. They take you down with them too.
Whats the deal with Bees and Wasps, they seem to be everywhere, they hoover over everything, u can't leave ur soda out without a bee flying in it. Some how they all need to die.
Though I do believe its nice not dealing with Misqutios, Bats eat them, I love bats for that reason. so all we need is something to come and take out the massive amount of flys. We could use a lot of frogs, then get something to get rid of all the frogs.
That danged Permanent Record... all it is, is BLACKMAIL. The only reason its there, is because, the administration wants you to be good... once your outta high school, it disappears!
If there's Handicap parking for normal everyday places, is there Non-Handicap Parking near the front entrance at the Special Olympics?
Whats the big deal with your parents say "Stop... your Embarrassing yourself" Obviously if we were embarrassing ourselves, we'd stop. D'uh
Heres an UPDATED idea (11-03-03): Here's a topic on the minds of many people @ my school: Whats the deal with MALE LIBRARIANS, expectially the nasty looking, gross smelling, Fat--Big Male boobed, NO purpose male Librarians... and then when ever they get name called they feel it is in there best interest to give that person a referal. Also they DEMAND an apology when they are trying to give that student a suspension... Mmmmhmm... sounds to me he needs a kick in the ass, and booted out the door.... I think there are laws against Child-molsters in a school.
Which brings us to the next topic: Teachers you can't believe are STILL around. I mean, aren't they either: 1)Too old to keep function in their classroom. 2)They think they have power over a "Studyhall-like-class" when really they... DON'T! 3)They think they're cool, but (if ur a teacher.... listen VERY CLOSELY) Actually, they aren't... the specific teacher I speak of... CRIED, wehn her class was cancelled, cause it didn't have any purpose.... so they stuck her in a study hall and she thinks she still has power. SHE DOESN'T, she need a kick in the ass, and get the hell outta this school.
YAY for new thoughts.... And now Instant Messenger Quotes!
By the way if u see %n that stands for what every your screen name may be, if u don't understand, well, too bad for you
"If I lived at the Zoo, I'd be an Angry Penguin"
"The Village called and said they were looking for %n. They're missing their Idiot."
"Me fail English, that's unpossible"
Error 420 : We're sorry but the user you are trying to access is too stoned and drunk to answer your IM at this time. Please try again later and maybe he/she will have run out of weed and alcohol by then and will be able to answer your IM
"Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll.... Errrr... maybe just Porn, Caffine, and crappy Punk Rock"
If Im going to have IM quotes, I think I'll have some other quotes, from other places on here: QUOTES
"Weensie : Listen, this is a serious situation. I mean, I'm kicked out of school. I don't know what I'm gonna do, man. My mom's gonna kill me.
Mitch : C'mon, she's not gonna kill you.
Weensie : Yes she is. See, I'm the first one to go to college in my family and when I left she said, "Weensie, if you screw this up, I'll kill you!" She showed me the knife! " OLD SCHOOL
"Im not as think, as you drunk I am" Homer J. Simpson(the Simpsons)
"The zoolander house for kids who can't read good. how are they supposed to read when they can't fit in the building " Zoolander
"For Serious!?!" Zoolander
"Mitch : Sorry, your seatbelt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do?
Cab Driver : I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You're in the backseat. " OLD SCHOOL
"Droz: Okay want some advice? Tom:Well Yeah... Droz:Haere's all you need to know. Classes: nothing before eleven. Beer: it's your best friend, you drink a lot of it. Women: you're a freshman, so its pretty much out of the question. Will you have a car? Tom: No. Droz: someone on your hall will. Find them and make friends with them on the first day. Anything else?" PCU
"Mitch : ...all of these fucking people!
Beanie : Whoa! Whoa! Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him, and you can say "Fuck, shit, bitch."
Frank : Cock. Balls. " OLD SCHOOL
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld .
"HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Shh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv'.
RANDOM: Ni! " Monty Python: The Holy Grail
"Crowd: We're not gonna protest!(begin to chant and protest)" PCU
"Tom: Milkbones?
Droz: Spring break I filled his suitcase with dog biscuits coming back from Jamaca.
Tom: Huh?
Droz: Drug-sniffing dogs went ape-shit." PCU
"Beanie : Didn't we lock you in a dumpster?
Gordon Pritchard : I got out. " OLD SCHOOL
"OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DOO
I'VE GOT A PERFECT PUZZLE FOR YOU
OOMPA LOOMPA, DOOMPADAH DEE
IF YOU ARE WISE YOU'LL LISTEN ME
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU GUZZLE DOWN SWEETS
EATING AS MUCH AS AN ELEPHANT EATS
WHAT ARE YOU AT GETTING TERRIBLY FAT
WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL COME OF THAT
I DON'T LIKE THE LOOK OF IT
OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DAH
IF YOU'RE NOT GREEDY YOU WILL GO FAR
YOU WILL LIVE IN HAPPINESS TOO
LIKE THE OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DO
DOOMPADEE DOO" Charlie and the Chocoalte Factory
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
-- Charlie Chaplin (not funny, But I like it ne ways)
If you would like, you may feel free to Email me at jeffrey_comment@yahoo.com about concerns(plz don't give me your list of concerns), opinions, Comments, and Ideas!
