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Monday, October 13, 2003
Four Years Too Many: a Walk Down Memory Lane
Now, don't lie, even though that is your natural instinct. It's been four years too many for the IB class of 2004. No matter how intrinsically good a person you may be, (cough Pamela cough), there's at least one person in the program who you hate to the point that your eyeballs hurt to look at them. A pleasant class discussion erupts into screams of "SHUT UP" and "Mind ya biznez!" and shoving matches that aren't really jokes. So how did it get like this? We here at the Lachrymose have called in the experts to examine the situation.
In ninth grade, no one really knew each other. So you had to be pleasant, until the niches were defined. Then, the positions of class faggot, whore, and druggy began to fill up. This made it easier to make fun of people. Especially if no one knew your name yet. The annoying people were just that, annoyances and there was always the summer to try and forget about them.
And then the fall would come again, and you'd remember that people like Stephen and Stefanie exist. Too bad they didn't hook up, huh? I was so sure they would. In tenth grade the "bad kids" i.e. Matt and Daren were a nice distraction, becoming increasingly worse as they realized they'd never make it to the end of the four years. Making fun of them and talking about their hi jinks were enough for most people, so attention was drawn away from the quieter annoyances, such as John and Hazel. A few of those "bad kids" left that year, and the pressure was on. September 11th also kind of shut up the class for a while. For a few weeks, the students were just happy to be alive and there was a brief period of tears and harmony that was not to last. Plus, in tenth grade, the teachers, i.e. Ms. Carey and Mr. Restityo offered a wealth of hilarity that distracted the class from the cesspool they themselves were rotting in.
Luckily, in eleventh grade things with Matt and Daren got worse or, for the class moral, better. They were so easy to make fun of, and they knew that no one really liked them, so it was ok to brazen with hatred toward them. Students got too used to being so open last year;
So now all of the "bad kids" are gone. It's just all the other ones, who've hated each other from the beginning and now they have nowhere to look but themselves and each other. The teachers aren't so funny this year...just UNBELEIVABLY boring, so the screaming has begun and I predict that by the end of this year, the class will implode on itself, and a grudge match unlike any the world has ever seen will occur sometime between now and the exams. This is what the experts have to say when reviewing the history of said class. And damn it, I think they're right. I would say it's time to choose sides, but there aren't any. Everyone's alone, whether they know it or not. Here at the Lachrymose, we spare no one. This paper is only one of the manifestations of that bitterness. Enjoy! Oh, and as they say, great minds think alike. Let's just pretend that's one of the reasons for the hatred.
*****
Thursday, September 25, 2003
It's All About the Rebels with Attitude Problems
On Monday, the dreaded "Rebel" gang descended once more upon GHS, leaving destruction in their path. These rebels are suspected wanted criminals Clara and Stella. Experts at the scene of the vandalism say the "angry kitty" logos amongst the graffiti are a sure indicator that they have struck again.
"I should have known they were going to go nuts when I called Pokemon gay the other day," says classmate Bonaparte. "It's no where near as cool as Yu-Gi-O!" He muttered. The rebels also dotted the I's of "bitch" with hearts. Lisa Frank stickers peppered the crime scenes, which include the building ten bathroom among other of their favorite hangouts.
"They always come out smelling like pot or whatever," says classmate Reba. "I always thought they were bad news. I mean, really, the shirts say so!" New principal Jameson, whose favorite sports team is the Bucs, say they cannot prosecute based solely on shirts.
"If we did, the school would be empty. Why do those stupid kids wear those stupid shirts? Like those two that came to interview me the other day! Whew boy."
Suspicions run high, but until harder evidence is found, Stella and Clara will remain at large. Officials warn not to anger the Rebels. "I heard they eat the victims of their satanic rituals!" One frightened teacher reported. And judging by the pants, they are making room for more.
"Don't worry," reports friend Pike, "They're also ten percent angel."
*****
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