Our Take on MSN News' "10 Things Every Single Guy/Girl Must Have"
by Ryan P. Carey, D.D.S.

1. A top-notch coffee/espresso maker
Because girls today are clearly disgusted by your uncle's Mr. Coffee which has been sitting on your counter since Dallas went off the air. Naturally, you'll need "a $230 machine that’ll give Starbucks a run for its money" because when you're trying to get a late-night yawner so tweaked out of her mind that if she doesn't start humping you, she might just vommit... You'd best not give her that plain old freeze dried shit. That would show a lack of class.

2. A lamp in your bedroom
I don't think this has anything to do with being single... It has to do with self respect. Most ceiling fixtures are nothing short of suicide-inspiring, and if you don't have something with a warm glow, you certainly aren't going to be happy with your own life for very long, let alone the ladies.

3. Swiffer Sweeper + Swiffer Cloths + Swiffer Wet Cloths
MSN says, "For her, walking across your floor barefoot should not be an exercise in muck tolerance."
Shouldn't it, though? If a girl doesn't care about you enough to walk through something as painless (and quite frankly... comfortable) as muck...
...I'm just saying I think you can do better.

4. A comfortable couch
They advise, "play it safe and pick a neutral or muted color, then purchase a couple of pillows with stripes or a bold, masculine pattern to jazz it up and prove you aren’t your average lug when it comes to home décor. .."
Brilliant! Nothing clues a beautiful baby who's ready to party in to your smoldering, razor sharp heterosexuality quite like a bold masculine pattern which demostrates your prowess of home décor. Nice one...

5. Nice underwear
"The following selections will make her recoil: Tighty whities, underwear featuring cartoon characters..."
Yikes, that Tazmanian Devil will really make ya recoil! But nothing like the undergarment style which has been the standard in underwear for centuries on end... The nightmare inducing under-fiend known as tighty-whities, also known as 'shot-gun shorts' for their abilities to make nice domesticated girlies recoil harder than a double-barrelled shotgun. Get ready to hear, "I thought those were only in the cinemas and the 60s sitcoms!" One time my girlfriend saw a pair of my briefs (yes, which happened to be white) and she told me it was as if she didn't even know me. Stop living a lie... Get plain boxers with no cartoon characters. Either that, or draw mustaches on Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd, and tell the lady that they're French film characters.
What?

6. A key-ring that can fix, cut, and open anything.
"Sure, your power-tool collection is outstanding—but it'll do you no good sitting in your closet when your date's sunglasses come apart at the restaurant."
What kind of fantasy world are we living in here? Even if you kept power tools on your belt like some kind of Batman on PCP, I doubt anybody would be impressed when your date's sunglasses came apart at the restaurant and you tried to repair them with your cordless power-sander. Come to think of it, do single guys even own power tools? On top of that, is there anything nerdier than when some small mechanical dilemma occurs, and a guy rushes in with his key-chain cubscout knife to save the day? Get real..

7. $150+ jeans Obviously our good friends at MSN have never heard of a little struggling Mom and Pop store called K-Mart, where during clearance I can get a lifetime's worth of jeans for 6 dollars. Even still, anybody who would pay more than 15 dollars for denim ANYTHING (or as we like to call it here at the office, Denithing) should probably re-evaluate their fiscal budget. Let's face it... unless you're Donald Trump, dating has become unaffordable.

8. $200+ dress shoes
Hello??? What are we even talking about here? I don't want to offend anybody, but it should definitely seem obvious that any bachelors who read things like MSN News Tips on What Single Men Should Own probably don't even own shoes to begin with. MSN News has to start learning who their audience is, and if nobody's clued you in yet, let me be the first to alert you: Socks + Sandles = your readership.

9. 300-thread-count cotton sheets
"Skip the scratchy polyester blends and splurge on some 100-percent Egyptian cotton sheets"
Since when does Egyptian fabric spell out "I have a 10 inch dong?" Besides, even if girls haven't seen enough movies by now to know that things taken out of Egypt are usually cursed, I'm sure they'll get plenty suspicious when they come over and you give them the tour that sounds something like, "This is my Rottweiler, Doug... This is my Big Mouth Billy Bass, but we call him Sir Lancelot.. Oh and here are my Egyptian sheets, I use them for sleeping right now, but someday when I die they're gonna be burried with me along with kinoptic jars filled with my organs for use in the fucking afterlife..."

MSN goes on to say, "anything that might keep her in bed longer is worth the expense, right?"
Well how about this: if you want to keep her in bed longer, how about you save your money by skipping the 300 thread count sheets and heading down to the book store to buy Cunnilingus for Frat Boys. What's that? Oh right you don't have any money because instead of getting a job, you're reading MSN news.

10. The Joy of Cooking
"Few things are sexier than a guy who can cook…"... One of them being a guy who also has the book, The Joy of Putting out Grease Fires, although let's be honest... The only home-care book she's likely to find at our place is The Joy of Ignoring Carbon Monoxide. BOOYAH!

oh and... 10 Things Every Single Girl Should Own

1. A fabulous photo of yourself
Does anybody else think it's unfair that the girl's list starts out with something that cannot be bought, but can only be aquired via her natural resourses? Basically what this item is saying is, "If you are a potentially attractive person, find evidence of it from years past and keep it around so that guys think that the photo is the real you. Unbelievable!

MSN goes on to say, "What he says: "Is that you?" What he means: "Daa-aamn, girl, you're hotter than I realized!"
WRONG!
What he really says: "Daa-aam, girl, you are so markedly less attractive in real life than you are in this photograph from god-knows when.
What he really means: "Daa-aam, it's too bad I'm too shallow of an individual to simply appreciate you for your Egyptian bedsheets..."

2. A pretty pair of heels
It's true! Because if there's one thing that gives guys a uncontrollable hard-on, it's an uncomfortable, complaining girl. Especially when followed up by hearing every female standup comic say, "You GUYS don't have to wear HEEELS!" Well you're right, which is one area of life where every girl can learn a lesson from every guy: We don't wear heels. Why? Because we don't have to. Take a look at any guy you know. Does he do ANYTHING that he doesn't have to do? Most of us don't even wear pants. To be perfectly honest, I wear shorts at least 10 months out of the year. I rarely wear pants. Why? Don't have to. And how often do you hear guys complaining? Only when they HAVE to do things. It's an essential behavorial difference between guys and girls which leaves guys far more relaxed most of the time, and girls far more pissed off pretty much constantly.

3. An Eminem CD
"What's one of the first places a guy peruses when he walks into a woman's home? Her music collection. Good for you if you have an extensive one. But if all he sees is a stack of girl bands, he's going to panic. Balance out your collection with one CD by Eminem and you have no idea how relieved he'll be. It shows you have an open mind and aren't easily offended..."
No... it shows that, as always, girls are willing to cover up reality and appear to be something their not with things like makeup, high heels, eminem CDs, old photos of yourself masquerading as attractive... All for what? A group of people who usually don't even wear pants... Get with it! I think I speak for a good number of guys out there when I say we would rather have girls appear more plain if it means less being pissed off all the time...

4. A great pickup line…and a way to blow 'em off
Once again, MSN News is reccomnending women 'own' things that really aren't a matter of property but rather a tip for social behavior... Sounds like someone ran out of ideas at around 7 or 8...

5. A six-pack of good bottled beer

Just cut the crap and get a case of Huricane Malt Liquor. Brace for the smooth taste, bitches!


6. Bathroom reading
Oh good! Because if there's one thing I look forward to, it's going to the house of the girl I'm dating to drop a duce so raucous that I actually require literature to take my mind off it.

7. A business card
"After the age of 18, it's no longer cute to scrawl your first name and phone number on a napkin and hand it to a man who wants to call you. A napkin he can lose. A card he'll file and keep." ...or lose.

8. Earplugs
"Ah, there's nothing sweeter than a man who wants to cuddle up with you in bed for a long night's sleep. Unless—SNZZGGHGHRRJJZZZ!—he snores so loudly you can't get any sleep." Can we agree as publishing community that trying to spell out the sound of a snore onomatopoeatically for the purpose of reminding you how annoying snoring can be is not only pointless and futile but clearly more annoying in itself than the actual sound of snoring...

9. A straight male friend on your speed-dial
Again, a great thing to own... Thomas Jefferson would be proud...

10. A condom
"Hey ladies, you know the drill by now." Of course... it's 4:30 in the morning and the guy you met at Shenaniganni's suddenly realizes he needs to get a pound of heroin across the Canadian border before noon... You don't really want anything to do with it, but earlier you made the desperation mistake of saying you like to swallow, so now it's crunch time. Make sure to eat some bread with a condom full of drugs, it'll help absorb the stomache acid and help reduce the risk of rupture. Because when you're smuggling heroin inside your digestive track, the last thing you want to run into along the way is that, "uh oh, my duodenum's acting up again" kind of feeling.

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