Supreme Court OK's Gay Funerals
by Ryan Carey

In a historic 5-4 decision by the Supreme Court yesterday, gay funerals will now be permitted in the United States. This comes as a huge relief to gay 84 year old Michael Garrester of Albany, New York, who has recently been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. Friends of Garrester were among the biggest activists for this decision, making frequent trips down to Washington DC and writing many letters on his behalf. We talked to Michael’s best friend, Jason Alexander (not the same man who played George on Seinfeld) about what they would have done upon Garrester’s death if the Supreme Court had not ruled in their favor. Jason told us that they were prepared to take his body to the Husdon River, put it on a raft, and set it on fire as it floated away. I pointed out that they probably would have been caught, since after all those letters and protests, the authorities would probably come knocking at his door when they saw a gay funeral pyre floating downstream near New York City; and that they could probably do time in prison for such a stunt. To that Jason replied, “Eh, prison wouldn’t be that bad.”

But now that the Supreme Court is allowing gay funerals, what does this mean for gay rights in the big picture? Some say that this decision will pave the way for other gay privileges. The Supreme Court is scheduled to rule on the legality of gay gambling this fall, as well as gay cactus farming and gays in the department of transportation. While experts say that their chances are good for these issues, it will be a much harder battle for gay gun ownership, gay boat licensing, and gay firework sales. We will be sure to report with all results in the ongoing civil-rights battle. Since the American justice system was created to ensure everybody their basic freedoms, this columnist is sure that liberty and equal rights will prevail.